DH's sister upset about him wanting to be a known donor

[lifeisarollercoasterbaby]

About 3 months ago some good friends of ours approached us to ask if DH would be a known donor for them, using IVF. We were very surprised by the request, but had several catch ups with them to understand how it would work and the implications, and after much debate decided it was the right thing to do - we both initially had concerns but they were answered and now we're both happy with the process and to go forward.
DH will not be 'dad', but will be a family friend that the child can ask questions of as they grow up, on the research they have done this is good for the child (has been confirmed to us by a child psychologist).
Recently they contacted us, saying that they'd got some advice and that we should inform DH's immediate family - essentially his mum and sister. Our friends said they were happy for his family to have contact with the potential child, but they wouldn't be considered 'grandma' or 'aunty' etc (same as the fact that DH isn't Dad).
So we told them, face to face, explaining why we'd come to the decision.
Enter - disaster!
DH's mum is calm but worried about the impact the potential future child will have on our family... fine, I can understand that - there is risk involved.
DH's sister is angry, hurt and very upset - mainly saying DH is abandoning the child and denying her the right to be an aunty to the child. She's accusing DH of being cold and unloving. She's saying she will love the potential child as much as she loves our own two children and will not accept that she can't see him/her on birthdays, christmas etc.
We've tried talking to her several times but she's now saying she can't sleep, it's affecting her work & life, we've upset her too greatly, we've caused a rift in the family, etc etc.
This has obviously upset DH (and me!) a lot as during her upset periods about this she has said some pretty nasty things about both of us and although she can be a handful, she's his sister and he doesn't want to cause her pain.
Now we had to have IVF and had to consider donor sperm for our treatment, which is maybe why we think about this differently to her. To us, family isn't necessarily genetic - it's so many factors that genes are only a small part of.
So now we're in a dilemma - do we put his sisters feelings first and say no to our friends (even though it feels like emotional blackmail) or do we go ahead and let her hopefully get over it in her own time...
Thoughts?

She is being utterly ridiculous and childish, this is nothing to do with her. It’s a choice made between you and your DH, and an honourable one at that. I love my siblings children but I don’t think I have some special right of access to them, and if my brother did this I’d be incredibly proud. It would be lovely to meet the child but I would accept the boundary’s as I would a friend’s child.

She it trying to emotionally blackmail you and I’d be really firm with her that if she continues this ridiculous behaviour I’d be reducing contact with my children as well, as she clearly has a warped idea of what rights she has toward other people’s children.

Don’t let this change your DHs mind - he wants to do this for his friends and it’s nothing to do with his Mum or sister. If they feel they can’t have a light touch friendly relationship with the child then they can have none whatsoever and never meet them.

I think I'd be asking if, in the future, she expects her brother to have the same level of input into her life. So, were she to have children and then wanted to move away she'd accept your husband vetoing this on the basis that he demands a close relationship with his nieces or nephews? Or she makes a decision on medical treatment for a child but he disagrees, he can kick up this sort of fuss? Or, she decides to terminate a pregnancy - you can shout, scream and employ emotional blackmail to make her change her mind?

She needs to understand that this is none of her business just as it is none of her business what you decide to do in your life. She was informed as a courtesy and not as an invitation to be part of the decision.

Would she have the same feelings if your husband were a blood donor? Demanding to see the recipient as they shared a link with her via your husband? I see this as not much difference to donating blood. He is donating cells, not a child. If a child results from this they will be raised apart from your family, much as in adoption. She would have no rights over a baby you chose to put up for adoption so why does she have rights here? I would stop pandering to her and explain that she has no rights over any decisions that you take and leave it there. Don't tell her whether you decide to proceed or not or whether a baby is conceived. None of her business, in my opinion.

It would seem that the advice your friends were given wasn't very helpful and has spectacularly backfired. DH needs to tell his friends that neither his DM or DSis are happy with the situation. DSis in particular would likely seek a relationship with their baby.
You've now also got to consider what SIL might tell your DC.

OK.... well she's being a total bitch now.
Just tell her that you've now pulled out as your friends can't deal with the level of stress she is bringing to the situation.
They will be going to a sperm bank to find a different donor.
And then carry on with your plans!
I honestly think that lying (ironically) is your best option now.

I would play her at her own game- put the whole responsibility for your friends' happiness on her shoulders and add in that it would really change how you both feel about her - and does she really want to risk potentially destroying the relationship with her brother and her 'real' nephews and nieces for this?

Sorry OP, but this whole situation makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, so much could go wrong.

Your SIL is behaving badly, but the child might react badly too when he becomes old enough to understand the situation. Is your DH prepared to provide siblings if asked?

DH just told me she’s been texting him this morning things like “In my opinion it’s the same as if you put DS2 up for adoption”, “why aren’t you putting our family first?”
He’s just so upset now (he’s quite a sensitive soul poor lad) and feels like whatever he does he’s gonna upset someone.
I’m thinking of writing his sis an email, explaining that I know she’s got her feelings but that she’s now really upsetting DH and she needs to respect our decision and the level of contact we agree with our friends, even if she doesn’t agree with it.

Our friends already have one adopted child, they now she really wants to at least try to get pregnant (which I completely understand). There is no expectation from the couple that DH provides another child and I believe them.
The potential child might react badly, that is a risk, however all our research has been that if us and the parents are open right from the start and talk about it & explain it honestly then it minimises this risk. The child grows up with this as the ‘norm’ rather than a surprise later on

So many problems could be avoided if they used an anonymous donor. Not sure why they wouldn't really.

Your MIL will be a lot more upset than she's letting on by the way.

I think you are really nice people who want to do this amazing thing for your friends. But it’s not a small thing. It already has caused so much hurt. It might seem ridiculous. And your in laws might be overstepping. But since they are part of your life, I would take heed of the hurt that you are inviting into your lives.

I think I would be having second thoughts about doing it. Yes SIL reaction seems over the top - it’s not remotely like having your existing child adopted ffs - but I would be too worried about how she is likely to behave in the future. And she may well not be the only person who reacts this way.

I have to agree that an anonymous donor would be so much easier.

I also have friends who were advised against known donors.

There’s no guarantee that the child being brought into this situation will not get hurt by it.

It's certainly a situation with lots of potential pitfalls. Everyone goes into parenting with the best of intentions but life doesn't always go to plan. You can't know how the child will feel about having a biological father who does not want to parent them, how can you know that they will accept this? What if the parents split up, there are financial disasters, etc etc, will your sensitive dh be happy to just sit back and watch the child suffer? What if the child looks just like dh, will he honestly be able to see this child as a casual acquaintance and nothing more? I haven't read the latest research on the impacts of known donors but I would be researching it very thoroughly yourselves, not just via your friends. Also, as a side note, having a child isn't something your dh should or shouldn't do to keep people happy.

I'm with Curly Wurly. Why on earth are you getting into this and setting yourself up for a load of upset in the future?? He will have another child full stop!! Also, this must be an unofficial arrangement and therefore he won't have any legal protection for claims in the future. What happens if the other couple break up , she ends up on benefit and she has to claim via CMS so he ends up with maintenance.

Please wake up to what you are getting into

I personally think there isn’t a risk that DH will want a closer relationship with this child

What if the child wants a closer relationship with your DH?

Also, given that they already have an adopted child, what about the effect on that child if the new child can see a biological relative but the older child cannot?
That's not really your issue to cope with but in a way, it is - because you could be on the sharp end of it with siblings being jealous.
The latter happens a good deal with adopted siblings anyway - even if they are adopted from the same family as sometimes one child can see grandparents but another cannot, or different birth fathers make a difference. So it's something that your friends will have to consider, and hopefully have done, but you need to think about it too.

im surprised you told everybody.
If you don't want to deal with people's opinions and bullshit about something, then best not to tell them. Im.not sure what the hell business it is anyway

So it’s fine that some posters have a different opinion to us, but please don’t think we’re idiots and doing this on a whim. it’s an official arrangement through a specific known donor scheme which gives DH all the same protection against child support etc that an anonmyous donor gets. DH ends up with no rights or responsibilities. Please don’t think we’ve entered into this lightly just because it sounds like a nice thing to do... we’re certainly not idiots. We’ve done months of research, spoken to lawyers, child psychologists, counsellors about this.

Those saying why don’t our friends do anonymous donation... well, that’s not really possible anymore as the child when they turn 18 has the opportunity to contact the donor. Imagine the heartache to the child then if the donor refuses any contact.
If DH anonymously donated I would always be thinking what if it’s that child, or that one, or that one. I personally agree with our friends that known donor is the best route for them.
The problem now is what do we do as although DH & I are happy with it, DHs sis and Mum are not.
DH would never volunteer to help our friends have this this child to keep our friends happy! However he has now got a choice - either go with what we originally decided to do, or upset his mum & sister.

We told them because our friends thought it was important that DHs immediate family knew. We expected some talking & different opinions - just not on this level. Their values are obviously very different from ours

I think you must be an absolutely lovely couple to be doing something so special for your friends.
To be asked in the first place and to be willing to give this gift says huge amounts about the character of you both.
That you have been so very careful in preparing for it makes me feel sure that it is the right option for your friends.

I’m well aware anonymous donors can be contacted by the child at 18. The men who donate sign up for that.

I personally agree with our friends that known donor is the best route for them

It may be best for them, but it’s already causing significant problems within DH’s family and the child is not even born yet. Your decision impacts his family too.

I don’t have anything to add about your SIL but I just wanted to say what a wonderful thing you are doing. You sound like you’ve really planned it out well with the prospective parents and that is an excellent indicator that this arrangement will be successful. I can see the benefit over an anonymous donor- the couple know your DH and like him so there’s no nasty surprises and wondering what their child’s biological father is like. To send a child out into the world at 16 to meet their bio father, a complete stranger, must be terrifying, with you the child will always know they came from a good place. Obviously there may be down sides which you have considered. If you can make those potential sacrifices it’s a shame that the SIL can’T make some small ones. If it were my brother i’d be proud to know our family had helped another. How sad that you might have to withhold the truth from his family when you are doing such a generous thing. Good luck to you all.

It may be best for them, but it’s already causing significant problems within DH’s family and the child is not even born yet. Your decision impacts his family too.

No, the SIL is causing significant problems within the family due to her unreasonable behaviour. I see no reason why that should any more pandered to than any other kind of selfish tantrum being thrown by one family member. This is her problem, and she doesn't get to dictate what other people do just by pouting the hardest and shouting the loudest.

It's difficult, times and technology have changed things a lot recently too. Even if you use 'anonymous' donor sperm, the child can obtain details of the donor when they are 18. Even if they couldn't, it is relatively simple to locate blood relatives via the various websites which exist now like 23andMe. My children recently discovered they have an aunt conceived due to my ex FIL being an 'anonymous' donor 35 years ago. It has certainly caused all sorts of tensions within the family already, as no one knew he'd been a donor many years ago (was after he divorced ex MIL).

Yes, the sister here is being crazy - the child will legally be no relation at all to your family or her. But what's to stop the child themselves joining a website and searching for relatives, then wanting a relationship with her 'auntie', when she's older?

Donation is a bit of a can of worms these days. I think if everyone concerned is happy with the arrangement, the child is told the facts in an age appropriate fashion as they grow up, and no one changes their mind about levels of involvement and so on, that is brilliant. But you need to make sure that everyone is happy with it before proceeding. Obviously telling his sister wasn't wise, but she may well have found out in the future anyway as per our family's example.

You say that your DH would never volunteer to do this just to keep his friends happy. Not sure why he wants to do it then, apart from his friend's happiness what other possible motive could he have?