Lack of Empathy

[Ta77Blonde]

I have been with this man for over 4 years and he has major signs of either narcissistic sociopath or a form of Asperger's. I am at the end of my wits trying to cope with his anger as he calls it, just the way he talks, or his lack of empathy when I get upset. He cannot see things from my perspective and I have tried baby steps in conversations to see if he can understand but I just do not know what to do next. Just when I think things are going well, another argument happens over absolutely nothing. Then when he upsets me, Im the one with the problem. His communication skills are absolutely terrible and I don't know how I can get through to him.. We have just moved in together and there are 3 kids involved. He has zero control over the level of his voice when we try to discuss things but it always always ends up me having to console him, even though hes the one that upset me. He says hes a man and for me to "get over it"... Im a very strong, independent woman and im not giving in to him. He has major insecurity issues always thinking im going to leave him.. I told him the only reason I would leave him was if he continued to treat me badly, not for anyone else. He hardly shows affection to me nor his 10 year old daughter, nor his 22 yr old son who lives separately. The only time I get any inking of emotion is when he mentally breaks me to the point of sincere heartfelt tears, begging him for any sign of emotion. Im not leaving him, ive tried and I just love him so that is not an option. I need some words of wisdom as I know there is no point in going to him as he doesn't have it in him.

You've already had 4 years of him, you really want more of the same from him?.

There is no such thing as "some form of Aspergers" and it just shows your own lack of knowledge re ASD generally. ASD as well does not automatically equal abuse and or abusive behaviour. It may be that he is not on any ASD spectrum whatsoever so you could be way off beam in that respect.

He is undoubtedly abusive and not just towards you either and may well have some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder.

Re your comment:-

"I'm not leaving him, i've tried and I just love him so that is not an option".

You do not have to hold yourself to such words and you can change your mind. What do you get out of this relationship now, what is still the pay off for you here?. Something is keeping you with this individual so what is it?.

You can never act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and its not your fault he is the ways he is. He does not want your support and you are woefully underqualified to help him, not that he wants your help anyway.

Would you really rather drag yourself and in turn these three children down with you into his pit?. That is what will happen to you and in turn them if you do not leave. Love is not enough and I am wondering as well if you are confusing that with codependency.

Lack of empathy is often associated with narcissistic types and if you are with one of those people you will really be chewed up and spat out via his idealise, devalue and discard relationship cycle. You have to be mentally broken before he expresses any emotion at all; he is a really dangerous person to be at all around. Why are you together at all, is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. How did you get here?.

Like many abusive men he has a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on such behaviours.

Abuse as well is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. You probably do think of yourself as a strong and independent woman and perhaps you are in the outside world. Behind closed doors with him you are putty in his hands. Some abusers also like such outwardly strong women because they see them as a further challenge to otherwise break them and take them down with them.

OP - given that you decided that leaving him isn’t an option, and recently (despite how crazy it sounds) decided to move in with this man that is totally mismatched with you on what he can express emotionally -
The only thing you can do to change it for you - is to change YOU.
Change your reactions and expectations of what you want from him.
Stop breaking down looking for empathy you KNOW he doesn’t have. Stop crying. Stop ...., etc.

He won’t change. You know it. But you decided you are staying - so you then need to change.

Sorry. No other words if wisdom.
Only that in a few years you’ll be very very unhappy and then ready to leave.
But you need to get there on your own.

He sounds exactly like my ex - unbelievably so.

I used to think perhaps he was on the spectrum, and then someone pointed out that people with ASD don't derive pleasure from the pain of people around them as a manipulator does. When I looked into I realised he was a narcissist.

My ex showed no empathy. He was totally wrapped up in himself. Everything had to be about him. No one else was allowed to talk, have a view, have emotions or hardships. He only wanted affection towards him. He would be abusive to me and then expect my emotional support because he felt bad about it.

Unfortunately he's still in my life as I had DC with him. The DC and getting out of that relationship were the only good things about it.

What do you love about him, OP?

Since we first met, he has been majorly insecure and I defended myself against him in every way. I fought fire with fire but now Im exhausted. Moving in, I thought would take away his insecurities but they are just the same, he doesn't even like me going to work because there are men there and I met previous partners in work! Like isn't it a high statistic that people meet in work. He condemns me for this but Im not giving in at all. I barely cry but recently Im so frustrated that I feel like Im banging my head against a brick wall.. He never ever apologises, he never is wrong and it always ends up as poor him in every way. I say Im strong, I am, I was living on my own, in my own house, my own wonderful community and surrounded by friends, all of which I left to show him how much I loved him, yet he has the audacity to say I never do anything for him! I show my love by being affectionate, loving, tactile etc, I know from seeing him with his daughter he has major issues showing her love, and definitely with his lack of any support emotionally to his son. When he was young, he was married and he worked in a job that took him away a lot, like most of his 25 years working was abroad. That's how his marriage survived. His wife died of cancer and I can only imagine how she coped with him being the way he is but I will never ask. I heard that he argued with her all the time too but I was willing to not listen to others but now I think I can see why the marriage lasted, he was never there. He is the type who never gives a straight answer to me when I ask, plead, what he wants me to do to show him love. Was leaving my life for him and moving into "her" house that I hate being in, not enough! No answer ever given so Im lost as to what he wants.

You cant change him. And you wont leave. So you have to put up with it. I guess the advice is how you can tolerate it. Spend more time alone and on hobbies, so hat other things can build your confidence and esteem, and you can have fun.
Eventually you'll feel motivated enough to leave.

He is abusive through and through and whatever you give will not be enough because he will keep on moving the goalposts.

Staying with him will only destroy you completely. You need to move back out. You cannot be with him because by doing so he will simply continue to drag you down with him into his pit.

You gave up a lot in your life for him and he is not worth it. Time to leave and rebuild your life before he really does destroy you and succeeds in dragging you down with him.

Zaphodstherhead, I know I love him because I have never had any interest in a single other man since the moment we met. I love his strength, his ideas of life are the same as mine, he gets up and does things without hesitation sometimes. I look at him and feel so much love but its like being kicked in the gut when an argument happens. When its just the two of us there is a lot of love but that is a rare occasion and I pine for those moments. I love his hair, his skin, his eyes, and when he isn't a ba5749d I cant get enough of him.

I need help in getting through the arguments that I know im not going to get the answer or empathy I want. Im willing to do this. I know after reading so much about his behaviour he is on the spectrum of Asperger's as he cant make eye contact. He cant comprehend certain behaviours of people on TV. He cant have a proper adult conversation about subjects other than things he knows about. He seems to substitute knowledge with anger.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, was either of your parents angry like this man this?. What's the attraction here?.

Why do you think this is all you really deserve from a relationship?.

Trying to rescue and or save this man will not work, what makes you at all think you can somehow make him a better person when he treated his ex wife the self same?. Their marriage only survived because they were not together.

I think you are also way off beam re AS and reading stuff around the subject does not also make you feel entitled to try and fix him as you still are doing. He is not your project and he is not yours to rescue and or save. You are ignoring who he really is for some idealised image in your head perhaps borne out of your own co-dependency issues and wanting to fix him. How can you help him anyway, you are too close and way too over invested to be of any real help to him. Not that he wants your help and support anyway. You were and remain an ideal target for him.

Does he know hes choosing me as a target and if so why?

I don't think hes intelligent enough for this or maybe Im completely naïve.

When he has admitted he was wrong, he says he doesn't mean to be bad to me. Hes so afraid of losing me.

Lol am I completely dumb.. Am I falling for shite?

TA77Blonde - that's not love, that's infatuation. And maybe a touch of Stockholm Syndrome. You don't love anything about him other than he does things and you like the way he looks.

He's a jealous neurotic control freak, and he's going to ruin your life, I'm afraid.

Actually to be honest, its not his looks, hes shorter than me and he has ground his teeth to stubs so definitely not for his looks. Its really difficult to describe but I do. I wish with everything in me that I didn't love him.. Infatuation doesn't last this long. Maybe I should read up on the Stockholm Syndrome for myself. I just thought that moving in would give him everything hes always wanted from me, to be there with him every night as I loved time on my own as my kids went to their Fathers 2 nights a week and I loved that independence.

Apologies in advance because this is very blunt but i think you need to wake up and hear it.

Does he know hes choosing me as a target

Of course he does, he's got you exactly where he wants you and you have fallen for being put there (like grooming really) because every so often he shows you a morsel of affection that you are so desperate for you are willing to overlook all the vile stuff he does.

and if so why?
Sorry to say so, but it's because you let him.
Other women will have told him to take his "insecurities" to a therapist and not to contact them again until he was cured. Maybe after seeing his true self, which you are seeing now, they've said not to ever contact them again.

What BlankTimes wrote. He saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

I think you were targeted by him amongst other things because you are perhaps codependent in relationships and to a narcissist (if he is such a personality type) that is an ideal target. You have allowed him into your life and its going to take a lot of willpower on your part to extricate him from that.

Im not co-dependent. I was single when we met.

Co-Dependency in a relationship
psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

"Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship."

No, honestly.

Im sick to the stomach. Im a fighter in life and Ive just asked him does he want me to move out after last nights argument over me talking about what happened in work yesterday. He just cant have an adult conversation, he was loud, rude and dismissive of my opinion in the conversation and ate me when I got quiet because he upset me.

He said yes he does.

Im absolutely devastated now and feel sick and dizzy.

How can he do this to me, after I have give up everything to be with him. He has no concept of what I have done uprooting my life and my childrens.

My god, reading your story was like reading about my childhood. My dad is an out and out narcissist, and he has never changed, never will. My mum enables him. The number of times I begged her to leave him was ridiculous, but she was blinded by him and worn down by the everything is your fault mantra. Have you looked at narcissistic personality disorders? That might help you to deal with him, but the key there is to not give them the drama they need.
I'm married to a man with ASD, and he's lovely, bit clueless emotionally, but not hurtful like that.

He never cared about you and the act he put on to draw and sucker you in was just that, an act. You were convenient and targeted by him to be used so.

Move out asap and rebuild your life without him in it. Consider also enrolling on Women's Aid Freedom Programme.

In response to your last post, I'm afraid he probably doesn't care to much about how you feel. He's feeding off making you feel like shit. It makes him feel powerful. Sorry for being so blunt.

OMG Im so devastated that I have to start all over again. Im absolutely exhausted.

You moved your children in with this man??