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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lack of Empathy

94 replies

Ta77Blonde · 05/06/2018 11:10

I have been with this man for over 4 years and he has major signs of either narcissistic sociopath or a form of Asperger's. I am at the end of my wits trying to cope with his anger as he calls it, just the way he talks, or his lack of empathy when I get upset. He cannot see things from my perspective and I have tried baby steps in conversations to see if he can understand but I just do not know what to do next. Just when I think things are going well, another argument happens over absolutely nothing. Then when he upsets me, Im the one with the problem. His communication skills are absolutely terrible and I don't know how I can get through to him.. We have just moved in together and there are 3 kids involved. He has zero control over the level of his voice when we try to discuss things but it always always ends up me having to console him, even though hes the one that upset me. He says hes a man and for me to "get over it"... Im a very strong, independent woman and im not giving in to him. He has major insecurity issues always thinking im going to leave him.. I told him the only reason I would leave him was if he continued to treat me badly, not for anyone else. He hardly shows affection to me nor his 10 year old daughter, nor his 22 yr old son who lives separately. The only time I get any inking of emotion is when he mentally breaks me to the point of sincere heartfelt tears, begging him for any sign of emotion. Im not leaving him, ive tried and I just love him so that is not an option. I need some words of wisdom as I know there is no point in going to him as he doesn't have it in him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 26/06/2018 15:30

OK, update.

Im leaving. Wasn't my decision unfortunately. Hes wants me out because Im not a woman who loves cleaning for him! He actually has admitted that he is a male chauvinist pig and is proud of it. He says he was spoilt by his late wife before and that she loved cleaning and cooking for him and did it all for him! Now please correct me if Im wrong but I personally think that is the most ridiculous Stepford Wife thing I have ever heard! I keep the house spotless, I cook dinner and plan the menus for the family. But he wants his plate set before him every evening even though he gets home from work before me!!

Im am just mentally exhausted at the thoughts of the money needed and the upheaval at having to move again. I honestly thought this was the last time. I know I will benefit in the long run but right now, this is the last thing I want to be doing. Exhausted isn't the word. He kicked the bedroom door in last weekend because I said I missed my old home and thankfully the children are gone for the summer and weren't there. His daughter was! It all stemed from the Sat evening when we went for a walk, a walk that was for some reason at a holy place were people have memorials for their dead relatives! Surprise surprise his wife had one, that he, lol, knew nothing about! I didn't care, it really didn't effect me but I was quiet out of respect. He took this as me being cross! Why would I be? But anyway, that was the start of it. When we got back home I went straight to the bathroom and then lay on the bed as I had a sore stomach, which he knows I usually do. So he then thought I was annoyed so came storming into the room and roared what the f88K is wrong with you. I was so shocked and was obviously left very upset. So he slept downstairs and ignored me as usual. The next morning he ended up kicking in the bedroom door because I slammed it in his face to get him to leave me alone... So now, hes the one whos hurting and throwing me out!

I probably deserve it after being so bloody stupid for thinking he would stop with being so angry. Its probably the best thing to happen but right now Im devastated I have to move. Esp after giving up my former home for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 26/06/2018 15:35

All he had to do was come up to me and ask me was I ok....

3 little words and none of this would have happened.

He admitted he cant do that.

He cant ask "Are you ok?"

What sort of human is he. Most of the time Id say yeah! Its just the tiny thought, 3 words less than 10 seconds a week. But no.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 26/06/2018 15:55

I feel so sick.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 26/06/2018 22:21

OP I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but really l he was never going to come and ask if you were ok. That's not who he is. He will never be that man. He's shown his true colours and has turned out to be as bad as posters here suspected. He's an abuser. He will not change. This is undoubtedly for the best.

Also, there's no way he'll let you leave without a fuss. He's told you to leave to punish you but he doesn't expect you to. He will be full of (fake) regret and remorse but you MUST go.

onanotherday · 26/06/2018 23:12

OP ... I know how it is to live with a man like this... I wasted 20years and put his needs and feelings above mine and dcs. All your posts are focused on him.. his needs...his problems..etc. Take back the power and focus on you.. your dcs .. and maybe support for dsd.

You can't change him and waiting for that epiphany moment will have your life on hold forever.
Don't know if you are in the UK or elsewhere but woman's aid is a place to start.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 03/07/2018 10:53

I left and he went balastic
I want revenge for the treatment he has given me
I don't care if it takes months/years but I want revenge some way!

OP posts:

FelicityFelicitas · 03/07/2018 11:24

OP - honestly you need to talk to someone in real life. You willingly went into a relationship with this man knowing exactly who he was and how he treated you (an aggressive bully who treated you like dirt) - and now you are angry that he has turned out to be exactly what he’s always been. There is no revenge to be had here - you are an adult who had her eyes wide open. Live well and teach your children about relationships based on trust and respect - that can be your revenge. Believe me, in a few months you will be glad this has happened

Doyoumind · 04/07/2018 10:47

OP wanting revenge will do nothing to harm your ex and everything to harm you. That kind of emotion eats away at you and there is nothing positive that can come of it.

What you really must understand and accept is that nothing you can say or do will make him realise what he is or change him. Forget that.

What is positive is that you are rid of him and can move on with the rest of your life with the ability to spot red flags and not make similar mistakes in the future.

I agree you should seek some help to deal with the difficult emotions you are feeling.

lifebegins50 · 04/07/2018 11:10

Good for leaving...now focus on looking forward.

Be grateful you don't need to have ties with him.
Accept that whilst very painful you have learnt a lesson.I was naive to my ex and that was something I had to come to terms with.My nature is empathic but also too naive as I ignored some bad behaviour.

Celebrate getting out...you will rebuild your life and be happy but you may have trauma over the recent incidents so be kind to yourself.

Also he doesn't sound ASD but narcisstic which is usually the result of his childhood.Attachment disorders can also cause lack of eye contact which then causes arrested emotional development which is why you see the "little boy" because he has not emotionally developed.

In time you will pity him as he will destroy all good relationships in his life.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 05/07/2018 10:29

Im living with my sister, well staying with her and her family until I get sorted. I have contacted womens aid, cancelled my holiday (only a few days in a hotel down the country) to save the money and get a house / home sorted. My Father came with me last night to collect some things but a lot of my possessions are still at his, in fact everything I own, from garden furniture to cutlery to bedsheets etc. When my Father was there he was playing the poor me victim and I was the one doing him wrong! I am just relieved to be finally rid of that amount of negativity in my life. When his 10 year old daughter was telling me that what he was doing was Domestic Abuse that was it. I ran for the hills. Now Im homeless. But I feel better now. But I know that I will go through heartbreak and that's why I went to my family as this is the final straw.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 05/07/2018 11:04

Well done op. He is abusive, he really is. Don't try and think back because you could never have convinced him or gotten him to understand. Maybe just stay in touch with his daughter for her sake if she has noone else to confide in .

violetfeather · 05/07/2018 11:41

Well done op for getting out.
It's very likely he treated his dead wife exactly the same as he did you. A normal person wanting a normal relationship could never be happy with such a man.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 26/07/2018 09:54

Well, Im moving into a new home, less than a mile from my old home and I am absolutely over the moon. I couldn't have been any luckier. I have planned movers for next week when the ex is at work and I am going to completely disappear from his life as I told him I would if we ever broke up. I am getting my ole me back and even started new PT clients last night and I am delighted to be me again... Roll on moving in day! Im just worried that when the excitement of a new home and winter sets in that the heart break will be unbearable. I must be strong and stay away for good!

OP posts:

Sicario · 26/07/2018 10:13

Well done. The first step (getting out) is the hardest. Narcissists are dangerous, and you have been gaslighted. If you get any inkling of threatening behaviour, verbal or otherwise, report it to the police immediately. And do not believe for one moment that anything will change even if he gets down on his knees and begs you to come back. Narcissists need victims to control - it's their life blood. Cut off the oxygen supply. Do not engage with him at all except through official channels wherever possible. It will take a long time for you to recover from this and counselling may be helpful. Stay strong and good luck!

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 13/08/2018 16:29

The other night, I was sitting in my new home, happy and relieved to be gone from my ex when who the heck drove past! Him and his 10 year old daughter. It looked as if they didn't know the house was mine and I can safely park my car at the back, but he was most definitely looking for me. The area I moved to is out of his way and there is no way he needs to be on that road. The next day after being sent into a nervous wreck I made the decision I didn't want to go to and I reported him to the police. Thankfully I god a lovely Constable who was very nice to talk to and seemed to understand. She probably deals with this on a regular basis. I didn't want to be someone who has to go to the police but I did ask him to leave me alone, to stop harassing me and my family and if he did I would go to the police. They contacted him and gave him a warning as it was my first report against him. Please please please god may he stay away from me. What was he looking for??? I hope it scared the shit out of him... Once when we were stopped by the police he shit himself. Don't these bullies have a problem with authority! Please God!

OP posts:

Mousetolioness · 14/08/2018 11:55

I'm confused. 5 July post you said the 10 year old daughter told you that what he was doing was domestic abuse. My mind is boggling at those words coming from a 10 year old child. How would she know them?
And the police gave him a verbal warning on the basis of one sighting by you of them driving past?

I'm thinking for them to do that maybe he has serious form and so is known to them.

And I also wonder why a 10 year old child is allowed to grow up witnessing domestic abuse, presumably with each successive relationship. Why would social services allow that to continue?

Mousetolioness · 14/08/2018 12:04

Posted too soon. OP You were with him for 4 years. Have you contacted social services at all. I'd hate to think of a child being exposed to abusive behaviours without some intervention. Hopefully the police will contact SS if no-one else has thought to.

Original poster

Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 10:14

She told me when she was saying what her Father was doing, that she learned about it in school.

I was devastated that she recognised his behaviour from what she learned in school. But Im gone now, there is no one for him to abuse in front of her.

What should I do?

OP posts:

Bambi99 · 20/08/2018 10:33

He sounds like a narcassit, him turning it around on you and making it your fault so u have to take ownership and diffuse the situation is called gaslighting. I'm sorry but people don't change (unless they have a desire to themselves, which would have happened in the four years u been together). If you reside yourself to never leave him then I would suggest u come to terms with things how they are and reside yourself to a relationship like that or it will just make it emotionally more difficult for you xx

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