Lack of Empathy

[Ta77Blonde]

I have been with this man for over 4 years and he has major signs of either narcissistic sociopath or a form of Asperger's. I am at the end of my wits trying to cope with his anger as he calls it, just the way he talks, or his lack of empathy when I get upset. He cannot see things from my perspective and I have tried baby steps in conversations to see if he can understand but I just do not know what to do next. Just when I think things are going well, another argument happens over absolutely nothing. Then when he upsets me, Im the one with the problem. His communication skills are absolutely terrible and I don't know how I can get through to him.. We have just moved in together and there are 3 kids involved. He has zero control over the level of his voice when we try to discuss things but it always always ends up me having to console him, even though hes the one that upset me. He says hes a man and for me to "get over it"... Im a very strong, independent woman and im not giving in to him. He has major insecurity issues always thinking im going to leave him.. I told him the only reason I would leave him was if he continued to treat me badly, not for anyone else. He hardly shows affection to me nor his 10 year old daughter, nor his 22 yr old son who lives separately. The only time I get any inking of emotion is when he mentally breaks me to the point of sincere heartfelt tears, begging him for any sign of emotion. Im not leaving him, ive tried and I just love him so that is not an option. I need some words of wisdom as I know there is no point in going to him as he doesn't have it in him.

Your updates make him sound even more like my ex. These are more like classic abuser traits than AS traits.

He'll let you plan to move out, hurting you as much as possible, and then be full of remorse and playing the victim, guilting you into staying and being even more submissive than before.

I am a strong independent woman. I tried to make my ex see sense. I pleaded with him. It was a waste of time. I didn't realise at the time I was in an abusive relationship. I just thought he had issues. It took someone else pointing it out to me to see it was abuse and it wasn't all my fault.

Do leave, and don't look back.

You're in love with the idea of something that isn't real.

I'm sorry you are upset OP, but this sounds like a horrible, exhausting, toxic relationship and you and your DC will be so much better off out of it.

Honestly!

Your worship of him sounds totally over the top (especially given how he treats you) and he treats you like shit, frankly.

Please move out and seek some counselling for yourself.

My life is upside down.

OP, speak to Women's Aid.

They understand this type of man completely and can help you to make sense of this all.

I really feel for you OP, it's terrible when you come to the realisation that the one you love isn't who you thought they were. I was in the same situation, and it took me 2 months to get up the courage to go. But I did and I'm better for it. This doesn't have to be your life, and as hard as it is to leave, staying will be much harder in the long run.
Contact women's aid , they are brilliant.

So sorry you're in this place. I have lived with a covert narcissist so I know how utterly exhausting it is. Do please look up Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding, as you might see things that resonate with you. Luckily for me, I wasn't trauma bonded so when everything got terminally shitty, I was able to cut my emotional ties with him.

If you're inherently a strong person (as you seem to be), you will survive this, but I know how much of a headfuck it is to start all over again.

Sending my love to you. You WILL get through it, like you say - you were independent before you met him, you're independent now, and you can be independent for as long as the future needs you to be. You'll thank yourself in a matter of months or years

Without the constant friction, you will be far less exhausted.

Im thinking here, revenge is a dessert best served cold. I have a plan in mind to completely disappear when I can get it organised.

I think it's usually better to find somebody that is what you want in a person to begin with, rather than find any old arsehole with a shitty personality and try and change them. He sounds intolerable

The reason I think hes on the spectrum is his lack of intellect in conversations other than the one topic he knows about, cars. He has zero interest in anything else, like sports or reading or even the news. He simply cannot have a conversation. His concentration level is about 3 lines each in a conversation then he either dismisses it altogether or loses the plot, which makes me think intelligence is lacking and anger is replacing it. When out to dinner with the family, he has to sit beside me, he gets agitated when he isn't next to me. Even one night I hailed a taxi home and he ate me because I sat in the front, rather in the back beside him.. I was just eager to get the taxi and get home. He acts like a spoilt child when hes angry. Now this isn't all the time. Im obviously stressing the bad times as I feel I cannot talk to him, and at this stage never talk to my friends/family anymore about him as I know it blows over. Hes massively insecure to the point he hates me going to work as there are men present! Jesus, I have zero interest in anyone else and am trying to change my way of thinking, instead of defending myself Im understanding that these are his problems, his insecurities, and his to get over. We have tried counselling but its just circles. He cant get over my past relationships, one in particular, a man I was truly in love with. Because hes not dead, like his wife, hes insanely jealous of him, thinking Im going to run away with him. But that was in the past and my life is different and Im no longer in love with that man but was at that time in my life. He cant comprehend this whatsoever but its ok that he loved his wife! I don't take that away from him. I just think its his lack of understanding, to what I believe is normal to the majority of the human race... To him, things are black and white and its his way or nothing. Now, on the rare occasion that he does show his emotion, he admits that I am a "good girl" (lol) and that he knows that he is wrong, but why then does he forget this more often than is necessary!

He also finds eye contact extremely difficult. He stares into space. I literally have to turn his head to look at me when Im talking to him.

My OH is ASD and none of these things ring true for him (well, only the endless conversations about cars).

People on the spectrum are as individual as those who are neurotypical, so you can't really diagnose using isolated things. He just sounds like a completely self-obsessed arse to me, OP.

OK... so you are putting a plan together to leave?
Please do so quickly.
Stop putting your DC in this god awful environment.
You have a choice. Your DC doesn't.
Get out of there.
I honestly cannot imagine what you LOVE about this vile abusive bully.
But each to their own.
Just get away with your DC and stop subjecting them to this!

Your DCs need their mother to focus her finite emotional energy on them. Their well-being should be your 100% priority.

They have already (I assume) suffered the trauma of one family breakdown and are especially vulnerable.

They have for the past 4 years watched their mother being subjugated and degraded and endured continued emotional neglect as she remains obsessed and fixated tap dancing to the tune of an abusive man.

Who gives a shit if he is ASD, NPD, a unicorn - he is an abusive c**t, you will never change him but will destroy your children in the process. What are they learning about how to conduct a relationship watching this toxic nonsense from the sidelines.

me and my dp "probably" have ASD and all 3 kids do and none of us are narcissistic arseholes. Its not a side effect of ASD. He may be like this in addition to ASD, but not because of it

What @another20 said ^^

Put your kids first. Your responsibility is towards THEM, noone else. You have to model healthy relationships or no relationships at all.

Be prepared for him 'backing down','forgiving you' and 'letting' you stay.
Now he's got you begging him again the 'Cat and Mouse' game begins'.
I don't know if you've heard of limerence but I think that this describes your feelings toward him rather than love.
Also, I don't for a minute think that he has ASD.

Branleuse, Im thinking he is angry because of his ASD?

If so is there any way to help?

He may be like this in addition to ASD, but not because of it
You've been told this and similar by others who live with or have ASD.
STOP making excuses for his vile behaviour.
This is HIM!

I see a man who is like a little boy, who cant communicate and uses anger to vent. Maybe Im totally delusional.

Yes - HELP YOUR DC!!!!
By getting them away from this abuser!
We really can't make it any clearer than that!

why would he be angry because of his ASD?
honestly you dont have to put up with his abusive crap just because youre into him. The fact that youve got kids that have to witness this means that youre neglecting their wellbeing in favour of your own fanny.
Honestly, please look at this objectively and critically about your own responsibility to your own children. You owe this to them

hellsbellsmelons - I hear you. Im obviously a person who thinks that they can fix this. I totally get what Im being told but like to see things from every perspective.