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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of Empathy

94 replies

Ta77Blonde · 05/06/2018 11:10

I have been with this man for over 4 years and he has major signs of either narcissistic sociopath or a form of Asperger's. I am at the end of my wits trying to cope with his anger as he calls it, just the way he talks, or his lack of empathy when I get upset. He cannot see things from my perspective and I have tried baby steps in conversations to see if he can understand but I just do not know what to do next. Just when I think things are going well, another argument happens over absolutely nothing. Then when he upsets me, Im the one with the problem. His communication skills are absolutely terrible and I don't know how I can get through to him.. We have just moved in together and there are 3 kids involved. He has zero control over the level of his voice when we try to discuss things but it always always ends up me having to console him, even though hes the one that upset me. He says hes a man and for me to "get over it"... Im a very strong, independent woman and im not giving in to him. He has major insecurity issues always thinking im going to leave him.. I told him the only reason I would leave him was if he continued to treat me badly, not for anyone else. He hardly shows affection to me nor his 10 year old daughter, nor his 22 yr old son who lives separately. The only time I get any inking of emotion is when he mentally breaks me to the point of sincere heartfelt tears, begging him for any sign of emotion. Im not leaving him, ive tried and I just love him so that is not an option. I need some words of wisdom as I know there is no point in going to him as he doesn't have it in him.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 06/06/2018 12:23

He’s been training you and you’ve been a good pupil. The only reason things blow over is because you’ve complied.

As you’ve said, you’ve the one that’s given up everything for this relationship, you’re the one bending to him always.

another20 · 06/06/2018 12:24

I can't see that you "like to see things from every perspective" at all.

You have repeatedly insisted on excusing his c**tishness to you on YOUR SOLE opinion that he is ASD - whilst ignoring the NUMEROUS people here with more direct personal experience of ASD (and insight into abuse) than you who offer an alternative view.

Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 12:28

I wish it was easy to walk away. I truly do. Financially to be honest Im not able to at the moment.

OP posts:
another20 · 06/06/2018 12:32

I wish it was easy to walk away. I truly do. Financially to be honest Im not able to at the moment.

You cant afford not to love - your DCs have endured enough even if you haven't.

Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 12:42

The only blessing is that my children are with their Father July and August and most weekends. When there is an argument I keep it away from them at all costs, but since we moved in, they have witnessed 1 or 2. I always have kept the peace and try my upmost to keep they out of it. Unfortunately he talks to his 10 year old daughter as if she is an adult and treats her like an adult. This breaks my heart. He rants to her when he is in a mood. She should never have to hear the things he tells her. Im there to try to protect her also. To try and keep her a little girl for as long as possible.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 06/06/2018 12:45

Obviously I don’t know you but my mother used me as an excuse advice to why she didn’t leave. Ultimately having been separated from my dad for over 10 years she finally admitted that she didn’t leave sooner as she wasn’t ready to.

Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 12:46

I definitely feel like the head of the family, to protect the children from real life. I initiate conversations at the dinner table, such as high points and low points of the day, to share amongst us, family time. Trips together and "normality". He isn't bad most of the time, he finds it difficult to communicate with everyone. My 2 boys obviously hate when arguments happen as myself and their Father never did, they hate him and cant see his reasoning. But they also get on with him as when he is "normal" its "normal"!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 12:47

Joysmum, I cant leave his daughter. How could I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 12:48

I kiss her goodnight, I hug her, I tuck her in, I talk about makeup, she loves our girly days etc I give her attention when he isn't capable. Shes 10 years old.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/06/2018 12:50

you can tell his daughter that you will always be there for her. If he's always angry with her maybe he would let her stay with you sometimes

Whatiwishfor · 06/06/2018 12:51

Dont be me!! married for 12 years two young children and my husband declairs he doesnt want to be solely with me any more. I was totally and utterly devistated, it was later on pointed out to me that his behaviour was emotionally and financially abusive, i received legal aid because of it. 18 months on iv realised what a cruel, selfish and unkind man he is, he has done some truly nasty things.

I also thought i was a strong independent woman, but i realised that i was co dependent on him. He had no real interest in me and our beautiful children. Your emotions for him do not match his behaviour. Know what you need to do, for yourself and your children. Forget how you feel and get in practical mode. This is no life for you or more importantly for your children, leave him.

Original poster
Ta77Blonde · 06/06/2018 13:04

Whatiwishfor, Im so sorry to hear your story, I thank you for your message and I really hope you are much happier now. I can empathise with you being devastated when you were told he didn't want you anymore. I guess that is a massive fear for everyone.

How are you feeling now you are away from him? Do you miss him at all, even though he treated you badly?

OP posts:
Whatiwishfor · 06/06/2018 18:11

Blonde
Its odd i still feel as if he has some emotional hold over me, not that i would ever want him back. I have also unfortunately seen what a piss poor parent he is. But most of all i totally see what an utter bully he is. He is not a roll model for our children and is unable to put them first.
I have a fantastic solicitor and i mean fantastic.. I have had to contact her pretty much every week his behaviour has been so so bad. He uses the children against me and there is a degree of emotional abuse from him towards the children. This breaks my heart.
I wish i had more self respect and valued my own life and needs more as i wouldnt have had someone walk all over me for so long.

BonsaiBear · 06/06/2018 18:38

The more time you spend trying to figure him out and how to deal with him the less energy you have for examining why you've changed your entire life for an abuser. One your previous children hate.

BonsaiBear · 06/06/2018 18:38

*precious

another20 · 06/06/2018 20:16

His DD has survived fine for the last 10 years before you “recently moved in” - so no need to over play your role here.

If you have serious concerns about his parenting contact SS.

It’s not good enough that you expose your children to his anger. Did you know that children witnessing domestic abuse (which is going on here) is considered child abuse and you are complicit in this with respect to your children (and his) if you choose to stay.

LordNibbler · 06/06/2018 21:59

another20 is completely correct. You have chosen to move in with an abusive man, with your children. You seem more worried about losing him than your children being damaged by this. If you aren't going to protect them, then put them in care or let them live with their father full time for Gods sake. Because you are totally enthralled by this man and you just seem to make excuses for him and his disgusting abusive behaviour...and you are no better allowing your children to live like this. You are allowing your children to be damaged. I speak from the perspective of someone whose mother did the same thing as you, thinking she could fix an abusive and violent man. She didn't fix him, but what she did do was allow her children to be broken and not even notice. You make me angry, your behaviour is selfish. You should be putting your children first instead of this vile excuse of a man.

ByeMF · 06/06/2018 22:28

Your 'belief' that he may have ASD is really offensive and shows you know nothing about the disorder. My son has asd I have friends with ASD. What they all have vin common is their honesty.

Your partner is an abusive cunt and for whatever reason, you moved your kids in with him. For your children's sake, leave. It's not ok to expose them to this.

another20 · 06/06/2018 22:54

Branluece @ 12:11 said "The fact that youve got kids that have to witness this means that youre neglecting their wellbeing in favour of your own fanny.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself and get some help - there is some sort of obsession / magical thinking / limerence going on here.

Thinks its you that has no empathy - for your own children.

Dragongirl10 · 06/06/2018 23:16

OP what do YOU want for your life? All your [posts are about HIM and HIS problems and HIS behaviour.

Why don't you start focussing on what you want out of life, because this is so dreadful l cannot believe you have really chosen it and want to stay.

heachybed · 08/06/2018 04:17

narc and asd are different.

my eldest has asd and is a perfect loving empathetic partner to his wife.

i know someone who is the other description and its definitely not asd.

PrizeOik · 08/06/2018 04:54

I see a man who is like a little boy, who cant communicate and uses anger to vent.

Wow he sounds incredibly attractive when you put it like that

Hmm

You spend this whole thread describing a really annoying and repellent person op. So he's thick, can't have a conversation, gets angry, is needy and massively jealous...?

Get it together ffs. You're a mother. Your children need you. Why have you moved in with a manchild? Why are you wasting your precious one and only life, and your children's only childhood, on someone this pathetic?

Cambionome · 08/06/2018 07:17

Exactly what Oik said!

workinprogressmum · 08/06/2018 15:22

I feel like I'm where you are OP. I've always suspected my DH to have some level of Asperger's (took his exams early, doesn't understand sarcasm, fixates on one topic, not empathetic, dislikes touch apart from me / DS). He's been struggling with dealing with his emotions effectively. To the point that I've said "if you don't sort this I'm leaving at the end of this year". We're going to do counseling together and separately. He's currently stropped off upstairs because he shouted at DS about not completing a puzzle then shouted at me because I said he was overreacting Hmm. He's told me that he wasn't shouting (raising your voice = shouting to me). So I understand the unapologetic / not empathetic thing you're talking about. I know it's hard when you love someone but maybe getting some support from women's aid wouldn't be the worst idea.

another20 · 08/06/2018 19:29

OP does he behave in this vile way outside of the family home with his colleagues, neighbours, friends, wider family etc?

If he does then it might well be worth investigating some sort of pathological / psychiatric disorder - if he reserves it for behind close doors or is abuse as he is able to control it, select his targets and dish it out as he feels fit.