Husband playing games? Midlife crisis?

[All69]

Hi all,

I’m really a struggling at the mo with my husband, he had a night out a while back and I was told he had been caught kissing a girl he works with. I confronted him with it and he said he was so drunk he can’t remeber but he was so sorry, wasn’t meant to happen and he was totally in love with me! I decided to forgive him as it was just a kiss and move on.
Fast forward few weeks later and I have found out they have been messaging each other, this girl has called herself his bit on the side!! He says nothing happened and he not sure what he wants in life anymore, he really loves me but he’s just not sure. He says he feels empty and a weekend at home with me and the kids just doesn’t fulfill him anymore.
He can have days where he’s fine but then other days he says he needs space and I’m smothering him, I possibly am over the top at the mo as I don’t want to lose him as I love him so much!
Our sex life is back on track but he also says I have neglected him over the last 6 months.......something he never mentioned or implied until I found the messages. He also seems to be struggling with our kids reaching teenage years and no longer needing us there with them all the time, surely we want them to be independent tho!

I don’t know what to do for the best, this isn’t like him at all......he’s acting totally out of character but then when his mood isn’t low he’s back to the man I love. Any advice? Many thanks 🙏🏻

He is having an affair with that woman.

Ahhh.... the re-writing of history.
They all say they haven't been happy for a while - it's usually around 6 months as well!!!!
He's had his head turned.
You are now 'hysterical bonding' and trying to win this 'PRIZE'
His ego is currently being stroked by 2 women.
How nice for him.

Please STOP doing the 'pick me' dance.
It's not endearing at all and puts the man off totally.
You will come across as needy and that will push him away more.

Please find some self respect.
He's seeing another woman.
You need to kick him out and do it today.
He needs to understand the loss of you and his DC.
He won't feel that while you are running around after him.

It will be hard initially.
But please get him out of your space so you can really think about this.
You are in shock right now and not thinking straight.
Do you have a non-judgey friend who you can confide in?
Someone who won't judge if you work things through?

Basically, right now, he's a liar and a cheat.
Do you really want someone like that????

It sounds like a midlife crisis. It's so common and there is such a fixed script that it's almost laughable - life not fulfilling any more, wife 'neglecting' him (usually means she's not fawning enough), someone younger catches their eye. Lots of people start to face their mortality and feel a bit wobbly but that's no excuse for having affairs and making your wife feel like shit.

If you're willing to give him a chance I'd say to him that either he sorts his head out asap or he can get lost. And no more bits on the side.

No he’s just been talking to her, nothing has gone on and when I’ve asked her she has totally denied any of it!

I’m scared if I kick him out I will lose him for good?!?

What she said ⬆️

From what you have said it seems fairly obvious that he is having an affair. He's struggling with guilt hence moods and trying to turn tables. You need to confront head on.

hellsbells Nailed it !

I have confronted him and he said he’s been an arse and he’s no interest in this girl at all, only yesterday morning he told me how sexy I was but then last night said I was smothering him and pushing him a way!

What hellsbellsmelons wrote.

He needs to experience loss and I would have no compunction about kicking him out now. You need time and space away from him. Doing the pick me dance as you have done is going to do you no favours at all in the long run.

Read chumplady's website too.

I know, I have been a total mug but I am just terrified of losing him. I never thought I would be in this situation, he has shown no signs at all until the night of the kiss.

Are you listening to advice op?

Please follow steps as above and come back and let us know how you got on.

Actually you telling him he needs to leave to find his space is the best thing you can do.

Pack a bag for him so he knows you mean business.

Say: I believe I may be smothering you so in that case it's best you leave rather than be disrespectful to me.

Either way he is having an emotional affair which many people feel is far worse than just dick in/ out.

Keep calm, cold, unemotional and NEVER needy, clingy, hysterical, angry as that just massages his dick/ego.

If he wants you in his life from now on he has to be respectful, loving, caring, trustworthy and honest.

NEVER have it so he decides.

Regain the power.

All on your terms or nothing.

Your mindset is " he is lucky to have me" and repeat.

I know that’s what I need to do but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know he loves me, I just think he’s going through a total dick time at the mo and he’s even said himself he’s been a complete arse! We have had the whole separating discussion but then he decided he loves me and always will, just needs to sort his head out, maybe I do need to tell him to leave for a while. His mood seems to be fine when he’s kept busy, its when he stops he’s seems to hit a low!

My dc is also awaiting surgery at the mo for a genetic condition which has came from Husbands side of the family, I think this is connected to that and he’s trying to either hide or be pushed away from it!

This is horrendous, I never thought it would feel like this. I can’t eat without retching and as for sleep.....couple of hours at best!

This affair is all on and about him and has nothing to do with you as a person.

Do not keep handing over your power to him. He should be more terrified of losing you; not the other way around. He is really not worthy of you.

Exactly what Fluffyrobin says!!

You say you’re terrified of losing him but it’s your idea of him - a person who cares about you deeply - not the reality of him. Life is too short to put up with somebody selfish and hurtful, he’s messing with your emotions and laying blame.

Just wanting to sort his head out = having his cake and eating it!

I need to be stronger I know that and I do think he is scared of losing me. If I were to send a text without a kiss on the end, he will panic and question why? Same as when I was texting a friend last night he was wondering who it was.

I have days were I’m absolutely fine and then days where I want to curl up and cry for hours away from the world.

I have been going through this for the last 3 months. EXACT same speech. Suspicions of OW but no proof yet - although he has been travelling to a certain city for work a lot and he made it clear to me he is very popular there with "attractive and interesting people". His head is somewhere else, OP. He thinks if he were free he could do better/have a more exciting life. Call it MLC, call it what you want.

I think that’s what it is he thinks the grass would be greener, he also says he could be gone 6 hours and realise he’s made a mistake but why should I have to keep dealing with the up and down emotions......I am on the verge on a breakdown trying to look after everyone. He’s also said the kids won’t even notice he has gone, ermmmm....of course they will!!

Brace yourself for the push and pull (I want you/I'm not sure/I wanna be here/I don't feel this is the life I want). He will get cold one day and come back when you push him away. Hold your hand one day, tell you he can't touch you the next. This has been my life. It's exhausting and soul destroying.

Oh yes, distancing from the kids! My DH also said our DC will be just fine without him.

This is how predictable it is, what they do. And it 99% always ends the same - if not affair, at least someone definitely caught his eye enough to get him to wonder "what if..."

Which is already cruel and disrespectful to the commitment he has made to you and your family.

Yep, that’s what’s it’s like here......I feel like everything’s on and then bam he’s off again, one minute he’s cuddling into me and then the next I’m always in his face! I think that’s why I’m finding it so hard, he’s acting normal again today. He says we just keep going round in circles talking about this OW and the messages but I don’t think he understands the pain he has caused. I normally ring him in a morning but I’m not doing it today, he can ring me and I’m not gonna be as available to him as he thinks I am. I can bring myself to kick him
out but I won’t be at his beck and call.

I’ve been there OP many years ago but only found evidence that he had at minimum a very severe infatuation 18 months ago. Some guys seem to think just because they haven’t stuck their dick in someone that ‘nothing happened’ . In my case he had sat for months writing longing songs about this person and massive overtexting, yet still says how much longer does he have to wear a hair shirt. If I had been ‘lucky’ enough to find out at the time he would have been out whilst I decided how I felt etc. Don’t for goodness sake ‘smother’ , be quite hard about it and say you both clearly need some space at the moment

ALL69 cool it with him. I know it's hard, but be cold and don't TELL him how much damage he has done, SHOW HIM through your behaviour. Don't be sad or upset, just be cold and occupied with your own stuff.
Men hate talking about stuff - you will just irritate and push him away, do not open big discussions anymore.

Act independent. Make him wonder what's going on with you. Don't be too inquisitive with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I was distant with him yesterday and he kept asking why I was being weird. He knew I was struggling with food so he went out and got a Lasanga for tea, which he doesn’t really like but it’s my favourite. He does things like that and I know I love him but then he pushes me back away. My heart is breaking 😢

And all this ‘what are you looking at, who are you texting’ etc is because he knows he’s been a twat and ‘was’ texting people he shouldn’t , even if only emotionally involved. My DH did the same