Husband playing games? Midlife crisis?

[All69]

Hi all,

I’m really a struggling at the mo with my husband, he had a night out a while back and I was told he had been caught kissing a girl he works with. I confronted him with it and he said he was so drunk he can’t remeber but he was so sorry, wasn’t meant to happen and he was totally in love with me! I decided to forgive him as it was just a kiss and move on.
Fast forward few weeks later and I have found out they have been messaging each other, this girl has called herself his bit on the side!! He says nothing happened and he not sure what he wants in life anymore, he really loves me but he’s just not sure. He says he feels empty and a weekend at home with me and the kids just doesn’t fulfill him anymore.
He can have days where he’s fine but then other days he says he needs space and I’m smothering him, I possibly am over the top at the mo as I don’t want to lose him as I love him so much!
Our sex life is back on track but he also says I have neglected him over the last 6 months.......something he never mentioned or implied until I found the messages. He also seems to be struggling with our kids reaching teenage years and no longer needing us there with them all the time, surely we want them to be independent tho!

I don’t know what to do for the best, this isn’t like him at all......he’s acting totally out of character but then when his mood isn’t low he’s back to the man I love. Any advice? Many thanks 🙏🏻

He’s definitely having an affair. He’s stringing you both along til he gets the best deal xx
Sorry but that’s what I believe xx

when I’ve asked her she has totally denied any of it!

No surprise there.

Maybe he needs to go for counselling and talk through whatever is bothering him.

I wrote this reply on another thread where the OP was saying her DH didn't know what he wanted so have copied it here and edited a bit but hope it might help:

Sorry you are going through this. It happened to me a few years ago - DH and I had a rough few years with debts, mental health issues etc and we just stopped communicating and having sex. Several times I told him to leave because I just wanted a reaction out of him and for him to say he loved me. One day he said he wasn't sure what he wanted - but he said he did love and desire me but just wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. I was devastated but told him to leave - he went to stay at his mum's and I told the (then younger) DCs he was on a business trip. He said whatever happened he would still love me and want me as a friend - I told him no chance, it was all or nothing and he needed to sort his head out, there would be none of this friends business. He said he may not communicate with me but not to worry he would text the DCs. The week before he left we had amazing sex and communicated so well I wondered why he was still going. I suspected someone else but he said no.

When he was away he would text me and send me funny videos (normally he wouldn't even communicate with me during the day) but I was very non committal and half the time didn't answer. I kept myself busy and acted as if I was a single mum because as far as I was concerned, I may well be so I needed to get used to it. After a week he texted saying he missed me and knew what he wanted - to come home. He realized what he had and didn't want to lose it. As a pp said, I became high value as I didn't beg or question, I just became grey rock. I gave him another week to be sure, tbh some of my feelings and trust had gone by that time and I wasn't even sure if he was what I wanted! But...he came home and seriously it was the best thing that could have happened. Our relationship is totally different now and we really talk about stuff before things become a problem.

I can never be sure if his head was turned...never found any proof but what I am saying is you need to act as if you are on your own and get used to it - he will either come back or he won't but you are a) moving on if you need to, b) working out what YOU want and c) showing him that you are not going to take his crap. I sincerely hope he comes back but in the meantime you must be strong.

I know your situation is different but the main advice is to get tough with him and make him see you as high value - if you're available to him all the time it's too easy. Tell him to move out for a while and then you can really work out what you want. Doesn't mean he'll run to the other woman - if he wants to do that he will be doing it anyway. Might make him realise what he could lose.

Sorry the middle 3 paragraphs are what I posted on the other thread, first and last are to you now.

No advice ...but going through the same , we are currently in a moody quiet period with a lot of 'who are you texting/where are you going' catch him looking at me oddly too ...I am trying to just carry on and ignore it , whilst trying to get my head around the idea there's most likely someone else and still be a mother to 4DC (one in GCSE hell at moment ) work and function ...it's exhausting

All69 I swear I'm not messing with you, I'm almost in tears now. I turned cold with him and suddenly he was all "Shall I make us dinner tonight?" and he made salad with my favourite stinky cheese, which he absolutely hates. Textbook.
Here is why: he hasn't decided what he wants yet, so he needs to pull you back when he feels you're slipping away. He is still deciding between you and another life/or another woman. You don't get to decide. He's got the power now. So when you pull a bit of power to your side, he softens you up. He knows the buttons to push to keep you confused.
Read this, you will cry and laugh at the same time, this is our life now: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

It’s bloody awful, I am on the verge of tears all the time and all I want is to hold him close and get some comfort but then I’m being weak by doing that? Urgh!!! I so wish this wasn’t even happening!

OP if he really loved you in the way he should you wouldn’t be persuading yourself and thinking up particular examples to prove it.
You’d get home and feel comfortable you’re in this relationship. Other op are right when they say reject him and that will send him in a spin. If it doesn’t you have your answer. Nothing to lose then. And don’t play the pick me dance. It’s ridiculous and just helping his ego that sends him off to the ow in the first place. You’ll be looked upon as pathetic and you will be the sidelined woman. Stand strong and he won’t know what to do.
Even if you plan to stay with him don’t stand for this shit. Find things that occupy and improve your life away from him until you find you probably could get on without him.

I am going through this too.

Please can someone tell me what is the classic script for MLC?

My dh is not sure what he wants out of life.
Doesn’t think we work.
Has lots of observations about how different we are.
Extremely critical of me.
We’ve had two joint counselling which were just dire and did not help. Had a few solo sessions which I did find helpful.

I don’t think there is another woman involved. Absolutely no reference to anyone etc and no efforts being made that I am noticing.

Stuck in limbo though. Is this MLC?

Why are you terrified of losing someone who treats you like this? Surely it's more terrifying to be treated like that by the man who is meant to love you forsaking all others?

You need to take back control though.
You've been given plenty of advice on how to do that.

As for the eating.
Liquid type things worked well for me.
Sugary tea - ice lollies - you could try smoothies or soups.

It's shit but please don't be a walk over - you will regret it later down the line.

fanjolina I posted the link to the script a few posts before yours

I know I need to take back control and I’m determined to try today, I will be cold and distant and not be the normal loving wife he has every day! It’s just so hard when I know this isn’t his character and there are days when he will be fine. Also he will not back down he is very very stubborn and I find it hard to believe he will even worry about losing me, he very rarely backs down from an arguement!

I know what you’re saying when you say this is not in his character - I felt like my real husband had been kidnapped and there was an imposter living in his place when he was having an affair. This is them, though, just showing a very selfish, self-obsessed side to them. He wants it all his own way - two women on a string and him not having to make a choice.

I know you are saying that you don’t want to leave, or you don’t want him to leave, but the message you’re giving him right now is that he can treat you anyway he wants and you’ll still put up with it. Is living the way you are right now better than not living with him at all?

He is not considering you. I think you need to start thinking about how you can take care of yourself and your kids, because your DH has other priorities - himself.

But All69 - if the only way to keep him next to you is being in fear all the time, if his connection to you is so fragile, what's the point? Think long term. Will you ever sleep safely without worrying he will do this to you again? That you will stay with him a few more years and he will still leave?

I know, I’m gonna look after myself now......gonna do hair and face and have a wander into town to try and get some head space. Will probably also wind him up lol as I normally just crack on with housework on a day off.......might have to put few pics on snap chat to keep him guessing where i am! He needs to realise that I won’t be here for him if he can’t treat me right.......thank you all, you’re right....he needs a wake up call!!

I meant to add...I’m so sorry thst you’re going through this. I’m sure it feels like your world has been turned upside down. It is so hard :(

You don’t have to make any snap decisions but it doesn’t hurt to start thinking about what you don’t want, what you want, what you are prepared to put up with etc.

I know that it’s going to be tough, hard work and take a long time as my emotions are all over the place, I think I know what I want but then I don’t want to make it easy for him either. It’s definetly over with this over woman and nothing went on so it’s the trust we need to sort out! It wouldn’t be so bad if his head wasn’t all over the place which makes me feel even worse! I think he actually dislikes himself for what he has done and is struggling to come to terms with the damage caused. He also know he’s has lost respect from those around him that know what has been going on.

Your heart is breaking OP but you came on here for advise and have been given very good advise.
Straighten your backbone(I mean that in the nicest way)and get on with taking said advice.
Sitting around feeling (justifiably)sad and broken hearted is going to resolve nothing and won't make you feel any better.
You CAN do this!
Let us know how you get on

Thanks to all for your advice, I’m smiling again now.....I will not be sitting around moping and feeling sorry for myself. If he does lose me then he’s lost a good thing so it’s him that’s gonna lose out in the end!

All I see is game playing here.

Running about getting your hair done and playing games with snap chat pictures is going to make this whole situation worse rather than better. Texting without kisses? Come on.

It's not a midlife crisis. He IS having an affair, and this OW has already referred to herself as his bit on the side. They are laughing at you OP!

Whats worse is he is far from remorseful by filling you with total shit like "ive been an arse" Really? Is that it? He says you're going round in circles? What a fucking nerve.

Hellsbells got everything on the nose.

You were told of a kiss in public, but may well not know all the relevant information about this affair or any past infidelity. Seems likely that he’s done this before!

Best chance of staying married - if that’s what you want - would be to ask him to leave, in the first instance, for several weeks while you consider your options.

I’m not sure they are laughing at me.....anymore! They have both been absolute knobs but I believe he has now been honest with me at least. She hasn’t, she’s denied all knowledge of it! I think he is overthinking my actions now and judging them on his own secretive ways! I also feel like I’m making excuses for him all the time, oh he’s tired or he’s just feeling low! He doesn’t seem to realise I have feelings too......or if he does, then they don’t count! If I pull away from him then he pulls me back......maybe I just need to be stronger and not be pulled back! I’ve had no more tears today tho and I’m happy with myself......at one point I considered the doctors for anti depressants but don’t want to go down that route.

I am currently in the mindset that I'm not going to make it easy for him to leave , I'm not going to 'throw him out' so he can be the victim and I'm the bad guy ..he needs to have the bollocks to say "I want out "
Had a whole weekend of him being SuperDad ...bike rides, long chats and taking them out shopping .(all minus me of course ) ....DCs most confused !

He is or indeed had an affair with this girl from work, is that not bad enough, this is not love, he's hedging his bets, showing you zero respect and being down right cruel, take your power back, otherwise he will continue to take the utter piss.

Get rid of him, your mental health will improve dramatically; whether you love him or not, tolerating this shit treatment is not right.