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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband playing games? Midlife crisis?

76 replies

All69 · 04/06/2018 08:14

Hi all,

I’m really a struggling at the mo with my husband, he had a night out a while back and I was told he had been caught kissing a girl he works with. I confronted him with it and he said he was so drunk he can’t remeber but he was so sorry, wasn’t meant to happen and he was totally in love with me! I decided to forgive him as it was just a kiss and move on.
Fast forward few weeks later and I have found out they have been messaging each other, this girl has called herself his bit on the side!! He says nothing happened and he not sure what he wants in life anymore, he really loves me but he’s just not sure. He says he feels empty and a weekend at home with me and the kids just doesn’t fulfill him anymore.
He can have days where he’s fine but then other days he says he needs space and I’m smothering him, I possibly am over the top at the mo as I don’t want to lose him as I love him so much!
Our sex life is back on track but he also says I have neglected him over the last 6 months.......something he never mentioned or implied until I found the messages. He also seems to be struggling with our kids reaching teenage years and no longer needing us there with them all the time, surely we want them to be independent tho!

I don’t know what to do for the best, this isn’t like him at all......he’s acting totally out of character but then when his mood isn’t low he’s back to the man I love. Any advice? Many thanks 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
All69 · 04/06/2018 14:53

Think that’s why I don’t want to kick him out as I don’t want to be the bad guy, to be fair we’ve had some really good times since this has happened.....just every now and then his mood changes. I think the kids are confused but they haven’t seen or heard anything, I’ve kept it hidden from them. I don’t actually think he wants to go anywhere, I just feel like he is testing me to see how I react. I know if the situation was the other way round he would have told me to leave. I also think he struggles with the fact that I have said we can try to work through it as he made a passing comment about how I wouldn’t do anything like he does coz I’m perfect! I just keep telling myself that’s it’s only been talking and it would be totally different if he had actually slept with her!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2018 14:58

So you still believe the 'only a kiss' thing???
Wow - OK.
You said he’s has lost respect from those around him
With just being caught kissing someone!?
I know it's bad but the lose the respect of 'everyone' really would take more than this.
Has he given you access to his devices so you can check out his story?

winewellies · 04/06/2018 15:02

I suppose at least some, if not all of whats happened with this woman is out there ...I am still trying to find out if there is someone
Three missed calls and a whatsapp call on my work number (self employed.. number is on my website) from someone , no voicemail and no answer when I call back
Whatsapp pic is a blonde woman ...could of course be a potential customer or is it something else ?
The chase , the texts and the excitement of 'what could be' is the draw I think ....that's what stops them leaping , they want to keep that excitement going , it's good for the ego

Original poster
All69 · 04/06/2018 15:05

He has deleted everything that was on messenger but I have access to it all now, I did see a few messages from her and his friends have told him even messaging her was playing a dangerous game. I think that’s why they have lost respect for him as they never would have thought he could play around like that. They tried to tell him that being flattered after 16years with me isn’t enough to ruin everything. She did try to text him last week and said it wasn’t meant for him, it was an accident! Yeah right......like I believe that! But he did tell me and show me the texts.

OP posts:
Original poster
All69 · 04/06/2018 15:06

I feel your pain......at least I know about it and it’s been ended! He has said it was the flattery and he doesn’t even fancy her, he can’t totally explain his actions.......I’m hoping his honesty now means it is done!

OP posts:
AngstySpanksey · 04/06/2018 16:00

Please visit the website, Surviving Infidelity, OP. They have lots of resources that could help you and the forums are full of people who have been where you are. I don’t mean to sound harsh but It sounds like your husband is following the cheaters script and is not telling you the full truth. Hugs Flowers

Loopytiles · 04/06/2018 16:24

a PP’s suggestion that continuing the relationship requires men to make the active decision to leave ignores the fact that a lot of men stay - easiest by far of the options for them - and are still not committed or even faithful.

Loopytiles · 04/06/2018 16:26

As hellsbells explained, asking them to leave while you consider your options gets them to face the reality of losing you. If they then go to OW or act like you were the “bad guy” rather than reflecting on their actions and striving to make amends to you, that’s further evidence that their commitment to your marriage remains low.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/06/2018 16:27

I believe he has now been honest with me at least

Unfortunately this is exactly where the danger lies. From experience I can tell you that, at least in his mind, there's absolutely no reason to tell you the full truth at the moment; if he does he risks you chucking him out and if if you do chuck him out there'd have been no point in telling you anyway

All of which is why PPs are wise in saying that asking him to leave is, paradoxically, the only thing to do if you want to save your marriage ... in doing so you put the responsibility back on him where it belongs, if he wishes to mend things by finally being honest

Sausagerollers · 04/06/2018 16:54

Tell him that he needs to explain to your children that the reason things are a bit strained in the house at the moment is because he had intimate relations with another woman.

He's going to leave for a minimum of a month whilst you decide whether you can forgive him or not.

Make this situation REAL for him, make him realise what he has to lose. Then he will either come running back to you or enjoy being on his own and stay away; either way you'll know where you stand and not be in the constant limbo that you are now.

fluffyrobin · 04/06/2018 16:55

At the end of the day whether you believe him or not is beside the point isn't it?

You'll never really know.

What would worry me is how you say his friends have lost respect for him. That speaks volumes.

They told him not to. They are shocked at his behaviour.

Op wake up and smell the coffee.

You are coming across as naive and gullible and it sounds like everyone else knew but you were the last one to know.

Honestly, he has completely humiliated you!

You know he has been dishonest as has OW so of course they are going to try to encase you in fluffy make-believe again to make you feel better!

The sad thing is you just will never know the truth.

All you can do is try to put it behind you, swallow the hurt and humiliation and try not let any suspicious behaviour upset you if you want to continue being " happily married"

Original poster
All69 · 04/06/2018 19:15

thanks for all the advice everyone, much appreciated. I’m giving my marriage another shot on the basis he gives me full honesty from now on.....last chance saloon as I can’t do it again! I feel better for talking to him so hopefully he has listened and has now realised the cost of his mistakes!

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 04/06/2018 21:04

God I hate these threads so much because woman after woman say the same things about the same situations, get the same advice (which is usually ignored) and go round and round and round making excuses and asking why and trying to find a tiny speck of gold in the big pile of shit that is their OH.
My stbexh left me as he was having an affair (I didn't know about the affair) and it was horrendous as I was bereaved at the same time. I wish I'd had MN then as I would have had excellent advice and I like to think I'd have taken it. So many women can't be wrong can they?! OP please listen to what everyone is advising you and kick him out. I know first hand how scary it is to find yourself a single parent but I got through it and so do many, many others. And you know what? It's easier to a single parent than spend your life putting up with a cheating bastard who lies and manipulated and abuses your trust.

LiteraryDevil1 · 04/06/2018 21:12

Just seen your update and agree with a pp that you are gullible and naive. If you think he's going to be honest from me on then in the nicest possible way, you're an idiot. Please wake up and realise what he is doing and how you are enabling him to carry on the deceit.

fluffyrobin · 04/06/2018 21:22

It's not just the kiss though is it?

It's all the flirting, the secret messaging, the passion for each other that they couldn't control, the lusting, the fact that he has told her in a message you've neglect him and it's the first time you've heard about it.

You need to get back to being an unsuspecting, loving and supportive wifeykins as he didn't do anything wrong and his friends have lost respect for him for no reason...?

You've given him yet another chance and he's thinking phewww! Need to be more discreet next time!

All it's done is fuel his passion for the OW even more as it's like an addiction illicit lust.

RobotsandMermaids · 04/06/2018 21:28

Hope it all works out for you OP x

MonkeysAndPuzzles1 · 04/06/2018 21:54

Well he's cheated on you, not once but for a period of time and perhaps still. It was a minimum of a kiss and lovers messaging, perhaps more. He had an emotional affair and physical too.

Unfortunately keeping him is likely to lead to him staying and resenting you curtailing him fun and freedom or him leaving down the line for a more exciting life (in his eyes). I think you need to let him go, so you and he can decide what you really want in life. Keeping him 'trapped' isn't going to help.

callkiki · 04/06/2018 22:03

Mine denied anything other than a few messages he admitted to at first. Even when caught holding the OW's hand by his stepdaughter, tried to take the high road as they hadn't slept together....

While mine continued to deny , her husband found the Facebook messages going back 15 months of all the lovey dovey true love crap and we met up and compared stories. When I confronted my oh so faithful husband, he said and I quote "we're not sleeping together so it's not cheating, we have only been going on dates...."

I hope you don't find out more as time goes on but the push/pull is typical and mine even called me from the London Marathon to tell me his time he ran it in only 3 days after I found out and she was there with him :(

Mixed signals will keep happening unless you take control. No game playing or trying to win your own husband back. He is enjoying the drama of all this and the attention which is so much more exciting than the day to day routines.

Take time to decide what you want and if he's not willing to commit than you are trying to hold on to something that isn't real.

onanotherday · 04/06/2018 22:39

OPThanks
Many of us have been there ... did the hysterical bondingBlush Gave the second chance...and nothing changed ...in fact as most have said. It prolonged the torture..but maybe you to have to do this to get to the place we've all been in to accept it. Please come back if (when) he disappoints. But I can only add the effect on the dcs was so confusing and compounded the hurt. If I had my time again I would have thrown him out it might have made him have a reality check. Good luck

QuackPorridgeBacon · 04/06/2018 23:19

Only you know your relationship and no one can convince you on what to do. Don’t be a mug but hopefully all works out for you. I’d say it will probably be hard to ever trust fully if at all ever again.

Ellenisia · 05/06/2018 09:39

I am in exactly the same situation, winewellies. I have been enduring almost 10 months of this hell. It is hell, but I won’t be the one who throws the towel
and says “I want out”. Things are slowly getting easier, I am getting more detached and of course I’m getting my ducks in a row. But he has to have the bollocks to say he wants out.

So sorry you’re going through this, All69.I’ve tried everything- the pick me dance, the ice queen approach, the “I-will-set-your-balls-on-fire” approach- and nothing has worked in keeping my husband and the OW apart (no sex, but EA plus cuddling, peck kisses, etc... quite nauseating). In my opinion, your husband is still having an affair- perhaps not sexual, which is why he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. (like my husband...)

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 09:58

It doesn’t “take balls” for a cheater to leave: why would they do so when they can stay, and behave as they wish?

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 09:58

Ellensia, have you tried asking him to leave while you consider your options?

fluffyrobin · 05/06/2018 11:55

Why does one partner assume their other half can simply turn off their sexual attraction for a third party?!

Sexual attraction doesn't end just like that!

All you do is force the attraction into secrecy and that increases its potency!

What you can do though, is stop doing things for him like laundry, cooking and cleaning up for him.

It would be awful if he was staying with you for those perks while being able to save the romance for OW.

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 12:17

Eh? No one in a relationship needs to act on sexual attraction to OM or OW. And people who have done so and wish to remain with their primary partner cease or (if some contact is unavoidable) minimise contact.