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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH overheard DM make nasty comment about DMiL

91 replies

Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 20:25

I’m kinda wishing this week was over... its always like this in the run up to an event (this time it’s DS’s 2nd birthday party next weekend).
My mum lives far away so is travelling for the party, staying with us for a few nights. My MIL lives about 30 mins away from us, and invited us all (incl Mum) to lunch on the Saturday, the party is on the Sunday at ours which everyone will be at.
Now my mum doesn’t like my MIL - complete clash of characters. Always polite to her face but doesn’t like to spend time with her. DH is semi-aware of this.
When we were invited it caught me off guard and I couldn’t think of an excuse not to go (which, perhaps wrongly, I would normally do). So DH said yep we’ll come and I nodded away.
Fast forward to today - called my mum to tell her over the phone.
Her response : oh no, oh no, terrible. Aren’t we spending enough time on Sunday with that woman?
Problem is - she was on FaceTime as had just been talking to DS and DH was in the room.
I quickly said something along the lines of ‘oh come on Mum, it’ll be fun, it’s very nice of her to invite us’ and then said goodbye before she could make it worse.
DH is angry, said my mum is completely out of order. What can I do? Advice appreciated

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 01/06/2018 20:28

Stop lying to your DH to start and tell your DM to apologise. If she's polite to DMIL's face then she also needs to be polite behind her back.

LivingMyBestLife · 01/06/2018 20:31

Could your DM come down to yours after the lunch instead? She's been incredibly rude to someone she must see once in a blue moon and if I was your DH, I wouldn't be keen on her staying in my house tbh!

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 20:36

I guess you’re right, I didn’t think of it as lying before - just trying to keep family tension low by keeping them apart (not hard as they don’t see each other that often, maybe once every 6 months, perhaps a bit more now we have DS)

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/06/2018 20:37

You need to tell your mum that your dh overheard her comment and is upset by it, and that you would like her to apologise to him. He deserves your support.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 20:38

livingmybestlife Yeah that’s what I’m worried about (he’s just headed out so can’t talk to him about it)

She doesn’t know yet that she was overheard... I just quickly ended the conversation with her

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 01/06/2018 20:39

I can understand wanting to keep the peace but by not letting your DH in on that you are lying to him & letting him believe everything is hunky dory. If she sees her twice a year she can pull up her big girl pants and be polite to his (your) family.

AmazingPostVoices · 01/06/2018 20:40

You need to tell your Mum your DH overheard her so she can apologise and politely go to lunch like a grown up.

Gemini69 · 01/06/2018 20:41

what a shame your DH heard this.... does your Mum know he was in the room and heard her comments... She needs to apologise to your DH Flowers

Gemini69 · 01/06/2018 20:42

Sorry OP.. I realise now she doesn't know yet...

LineysSummerMonths · 01/06/2018 20:43

But WHY is your mum so hostile towards your MiL? It seems so unnecessary.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 01/06/2018 20:44

I would leave dm at your house while you go to lunch with mil. Tell mil she has a headache and tell dm you have uninvited her as you won't be part of her sham - nice to her face and a bitch behind her back. And she needs to apologise to your dh or she can go home.

HollyGibney · 01/06/2018 20:47

. If she's polite to DMIL's face then she also needs to be polite behind her back.

Nope. We can have a moan if we want to to our own family members. You can't police that. You have to make sure you're not overheard though and be ready to apologise profusely if you are.

Bobbiepin · 01/06/2018 20:48

@aprilshouldhavebeenmyname but that gets DM out of the lunch, which is what she wants. She needs to grow up and be more respectful.

SpectacularAardvark · 01/06/2018 20:52

If your DM lives far away, maybe she'd like to spend some time with you and your DS without your MIL there. Presumably MIL sees more of DS as she lives closer, seems fair enough to me.
Why should she like your MIL? As long as she is civil when they have to be together, there is no need for them to be best mates.
Your DH needs to grow up and recognise this, not everyone gets on, not the end of the world and your DM didn't say anything awful about her.

AnnaMagnani · 01/06/2018 20:55

Why do your DM and MIL have to get on? Why do they have to meet up and go to events together?

They clearly have nothing in common apart from that you got married and would otherwise have never met or chosen to spend time in each other's company.

I don't understand why your DM, a grown woman, can't be allowed to choose who she gets to spend her time with. And why your DH can't appreciate that not everyone in 2 families will instantly be in love with each other.

Can't your DM just send an apology that she can't make it because she's washing her hair or whatever and stop going to these meetups for evermore?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 01/06/2018 20:58

Dm will also miss dgd birthday if she is no longer welcome....

OneForTheRoadThen · 01/06/2018 20:59

What @AnnaMagnani said

BlueBalletDress · 01/06/2018 21:00

I don't think she said anything that awful, she didn't know your DH was in the room. How will she react when she finds out? I'd be mortified Blush

Also I imagine your Mum probably just wants to spend time with you as she doesn't get to see you often.

Findingdotty · 01/06/2018 21:00

Does your DM have any reason to be unkind about your DMIL? Has your DMIL been out of line or given your DM any specific problems? If so then perhaps this should be discussed with our DH so that he understands that she wasn't just being rude. However, I think if there is not any reason for her unkindness then you should be speaking quite sternly with your DM and tell her that it isn't on to be so rude and that your DH has heard and is also upset. Don't defend your DM if she is in the wrong.

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:04

If she's polite to DMIL's face then she also needs to be polite behind her back.

I don’t agree. She doesn’t have to like MIL. She’s allowed to dislike someone. She’s polite to her and that’s enough.

It’s unfortunate that DH heard but your mother didn’t know he was there!

I don’t know why your MIL is hosting a lunch the day before everyone is getting together for a party anyway.

Why can’t your mum just spend time with her daughter and grandchild?

Your DH is being a bit of a baby, IMO.

category12 · 01/06/2018 21:05

I don't think the DM should apologise to DH, I think that's a bit weird. She didn't say anything nasty about her - she just expressed not wanting to spend more time with her in what she thought was a private conversation with you.

"DH, Mum doesn't like your Mum much but she's civil to her."

rwalker · 01/06/2018 21:08

if someone was slagging my mum off if wouldn't want them in my house and struggle to be polite to them .How would you feel if it was the other way round would you welcome mil with open arms into your house.

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:09

And tbh I’d be fuming if my DH made my mum uncomfortable about this. Just in case he gets any ideas...

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:09

@rwalker she didn’t slag her off.

ArghWhoAreYou · 01/06/2018 21:11

Stop lying to your DH to start and tell your DM to apologise

But she doesn't like the woman, thought she was speaking in private. The Op's husband made plans for his MIL without asking her. Who the hell is he to do that?