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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH overheard DM make nasty comment about DMiL

91 replies

Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 20:25

I’m kinda wishing this week was over... its always like this in the run up to an event (this time it’s DS’s 2nd birthday party next weekend).
My mum lives far away so is travelling for the party, staying with us for a few nights. My MIL lives about 30 mins away from us, and invited us all (incl Mum) to lunch on the Saturday, the party is on the Sunday at ours which everyone will be at.
Now my mum doesn’t like my MIL - complete clash of characters. Always polite to her face but doesn’t like to spend time with her. DH is semi-aware of this.
When we were invited it caught me off guard and I couldn’t think of an excuse not to go (which, perhaps wrongly, I would normally do). So DH said yep we’ll come and I nodded away.
Fast forward to today - called my mum to tell her over the phone.
Her response : oh no, oh no, terrible. Aren’t we spending enough time on Sunday with that woman?
Problem is - she was on FaceTime as had just been talking to DS and DH was in the room.
I quickly said something along the lines of ‘oh come on Mum, it’ll be fun, it’s very nice of her to invite us’ and then said goodbye before she could make it worse.
DH is angry, said my mum is completely out of order. What can I do? Advice appreciated

OP posts:
pallisers · 01/06/2018 22:39

Does your MIL really think your mum travelled from far away to see ... her? Why would she be offended if you just tell her you've been thinking it over and maybe dh could pop by for lunch while you do something with your mum? Most people would understand that if you don't see someone very close to you that often you might want a bit of time with them when they arrive.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/06/2018 22:41

She dragged OP into it by making it known to her that she doesn't like MiL in the first place.

My son has no idea that I don't like his MiL and I intend to keep it that way. I avoid her company when possible and am friendly to her when we do meet.

OP has been lying to her husband to hide her mother's dislike of his mother. Why make a child's life difficult by putting him or her in that position?

MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:44

She’s not in a position, or if she is, it was totally avoidable.

“I’m not sure how well they get on so let’s not force them together.”

Done and dusted! Problem solved.

greenlynx · 01/06/2018 22:46

I also wouldn't tell DM that your DH heard her comment. It will put all of you in very awkward position.

Audreyhelp · 01/06/2018 22:52

I think you should cancel your mother in law I would be really pissed of if I was your mum. She wants to see her grandchild not spend all the weekend with people she doesn’t like.

welshmist · 01/06/2018 22:56

As a MIL who is not close to DIL mum, your mum will just have to suck it up. Family events happen, she will just have to attend graciously. We live closer and I am careful not to step on toes in that direction I am well aware that it is hard for her.

MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:57

She is attending the family even graciously. Confused

Thymeout · 01/06/2018 23:02

if I were your DH, what would worry me is that your DM felt able to make such a remark about his DM to you, because it suggests that you've not shut down criticism of your MIL in the past. I'd be imagining the two of you having bitchy conversations about her and thinking that you felt the same way about his mother.

I'd be upset about that, and I guess you would be, too, if he'd let his DM say something nasty about your mother without some objection.

Of course in-laws don't have to be bosom buddies, but it's disloyal and unkind to your DH to discuss them negatively with your own family.

fabulous01 · 01/06/2018 23:02

I am with your DM. She was talking to you, she thought it was private and so what if she doesn’t like her.
To be honest I wouldn’t have agreed to spend the time with in laws when it could be special time for your DM

Neolara · 01/06/2018 23:06

I think your mil inviting you all to lunch on the Saturday before a party the following day demonstrates a slightly odd lack of social awareness. One the one hand it's a generous act, but surely she should understand that if your mum lives far away and visits infrequently, she will want to spend her time with her dc and dgc. I'm not surprised your mum was pissed off. If I was her, I would be too.

wotsittoyou · 01/06/2018 23:14

Your mum is entitled to dislike whoever she dislikes. Can you imagine if we all went around pretending ALL of the time to have feelings we didn't? What an awful, weird and isolating world it would be. She doesn't owe anybody an apology.

Can't you stay with your mum and ds while your dh goes to his mum's? Wouldn't everybody have a better time that way?

pallisers · 02/06/2018 00:43

Family events happen, she will just have to attend graciously.
She is. On Sunday for the child's birthday. Now she discovers on the only other day she has with her daughter she will have to attend yet another "family" event with MIL.

And whats with the comments about dm being bitchy. She didn't exactly slate the woman's character or looks or relationships. She just indicated she didn't like her (which is actually ok - it is ok for a woman not to like everyone - we are so conditioned to think this is unacceptable) and thought the idea of spending all 2 days of her time with her daughter and grandchild with her too was terrible.

It actually is a terrible idea.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/06/2018 01:09

Yeah I feel sorry for your DM, forced to spend time with someone she doesn’t like without even asking her if it was ok. I’d be pissed off to go all that way and then have to make polite conversation with someone I don’t like.

chickenpox100 · 02/06/2018 13:34

I really think you should cancel the lunch, explaining to MIL that you should have thought about it better and realised that your mum deserved a bit of time with your full attention and you realise you should have checked with your mum before committing to anything. I think your mum might apologise to your DH off her own bat if she realises you're making her a priority on one day of her visit.

chickenpox100 · 02/06/2018 13:35

And you could explain to your DH doesn't really feel that way about his mum but she was just so disappointed about having no time together that she spoke without thinking.

Bluetrews25 · 02/06/2018 14:29

I'd be busy all day saturday at home getting ready for the party, wouldn't you be, OP ?

GriswaldFamilyStaycation · 02/06/2018 14:57

"Sorry MIL thiking about it we can't make lunch as I forgot I promised my mum we'd spend some time with just the three of us. DH will drop by though!"

There is literally 0 reason for your mum to go and spend time with something who has nothing to do with her.

AnnaMagnani · 02/06/2018 17:09

Surely the family event is the child's birthday, which the DM is attending graciously.

The lunch is a made up thing which depending upon your point of view is a kind and wonderful gesture by the MIL, or an annoying thing which muscles in on precious time the DM would otherwise have been spending alone with her daughter and GC, which she doesn't get to do often.

Personally I tend to the latter and think too much time has been spent trying to make everyone play nicely together.

SeaCabbage · 02/06/2018 17:20

Is your DH completely unaware of how self=-centred his mother is? Maybe he needs to realise that not everyone can put up with her.

I think you should cancel the lunch. Tell the truth. Your mother would like to have a quiet day at home with you. That's fair enough and I would feel really sorry for her if she had travelled all that way and had to spend time with a pain in the neck.

Maelstrop · 02/06/2018 17:36

Tbh, I see your dm’s point. Why can’t she just spend time with you and the dc? Why does she have to spend time with your mil?

Branleuse · 02/06/2018 17:58

this is the risk when you put someone on speakerphone/facetime without them knowing.

Goldmonday · 02/06/2018 18:16

Don't go to the lunch it's completely unnecessary, tell your H he can go if he wants but you are going to spend the day with your mum. Also tell him to man up and realise that not everyone has to adore his mother.

The whole situation could have been avoided if you had just said at the start "no sorry I have plans with mum on Saturday we don't get to see her much etc etc" which you would have been well within your rights to do.

I also don't think your DM is at fault for expressing an honest opinion to you (which she at least thought was) in private.

happypoobum · 02/06/2018 18:22

OK. Firstly, you need to put your cards on the table with DH and tell him there is a personality clash here and DM doesn't like DMIL.

Let's be honest, it won't exactly be a shock now will it?

Then, say you have agreed with Dm that you will spend the Saturday with her. If he wants to see DMIL that day, no problem, you can spend a nice day with your mum and DC.

I am not sure if I would tell DM that DH heard, it depends on how you think she would handle it. I wouldn't really give a shit.

Hernameisdeborah · 02/06/2018 20:51

I see your DH's side in this, if I heard my MIL refer to my mum as "that woman" and sigh about how terrible it would be to have lunch with her after she'd invited us all, I would be angry and hurt too. Your mum doesn't have to like the idea but there are better ways of saying so. She could have said she would rather not go to the lunch and wanted more alone time with her grandson without being rude. It sounds like you and your DH need a good talk about the situation, now that he knows what your mum thinks of his, sort out how you will both organise family occasions in future to make them as pleasant and harmonious as possible for all involved, and agree to keep these occasions where everyone is together to an absolute minimum. Hopefully your DH will calm down soon but I understand if he feels some initial shock and hurt.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/06/2018 20:59

Your dm has put you in an awful position. I have been there.
My dm was visiting when mil turned up unannounced with cakes galore. My dm actually walked out and went home.
25 miles by bus.
Not fair she made me feel stuck in the middle.
A dgc added to the mix is bloody awful.

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