DH overheard DM make nasty comment about DMiL

[Beeperbird]

I’m kinda wishing this week was over... its always like this in the run up to an event (this time it’s DS’s 2nd birthday party next weekend).
My mum lives far away so is travelling for the party, staying with us for a few nights. My MIL lives about 30 mins away from us, and invited us all (incl Mum) to lunch on the Saturday, the party is on the Sunday at ours which everyone will be at.
Now my mum doesn’t like my MIL - complete clash of characters. Always polite to her face but doesn’t like to spend time with her. DH is semi-aware of this.
When we were invited it caught me off guard and I couldn’t think of an excuse not to go (which, perhaps wrongly, I would normally do). So DH said yep we’ll come and I nodded away.
Fast forward to today - called my mum to tell her over the phone.
Her response : oh no, oh no, terrible. Aren’t we spending enough time on Sunday with that woman?
Problem is - she was on FaceTime as had just been talking to DS and DH was in the room.
I quickly said something along the lines of ‘oh come on Mum, it’ll be fun, it’s very nice of her to invite us’ and then said goodbye before she could make it worse.
DH is angry, said my mum is completely out of order. What can I do? Advice appreciated

And I think your MIL is insensitive. She sees you all much more often and has not ensured that your mum will not have one day with her grandchild/daughter without MIL in it too. I'd be a bit tired of that if I were your mum.

I agree with this

The OP said her DM was staying for 'a few' nights, so may be there for longer than the weekend. I see what you are saying about a day on her own with her GC but this may be happening anyway.

It is neither "insensitive" nor "controlling" to invite adults to lunch. Because they can always, you know, decline if they don't want to go.

No one who spoke that way about my mother would be stepping foot in my house, OP-not even my MiL. I can see why your dh is extremely pissed off.

It is neither "insensitive" nor "controlling" to invite adults to lunch. Because they can always, you know, decline if they don't want to go.

Unless of course you ask your son and then between the two of you decide the third person is coming, even when the son knows the third person won't be interested.

Then it's both insensitive and controlling.

But the son didn't know that she wouldn't be interested, let alone the MiL. So no, neither.

Always polite to her face but doesn’t like to spend time with her. DH is semi-aware of this

So actually yes, he did know this. And MIL didn't say, "why don't you ask OP's mum around for dinner Saturday and let me know" they arranged an event for another adult who had come specifically to see her family. Not her daughter's husband's mother.

I'm sure you'd be thrilled to have your days dictated to you, but most people would find it controlling.

Beeperbird, you really brought this all on yourself in a lot of ways, and you'd do well to check your own behaviour in the future.

Pay attention to a conversation and make appropriate plans.

Don't tell your mother every gory detail of issues you have with your MIL, if your mother is holding grudges on your behalf. It's a shitty thing to do to offload on your mum, and then you resolve your differences with your MIL, and then your mother is left feeling annoyed on your behalf as she lacks the positive interactions that you subsequently have with your MIL.

And I agree completely with Thymeout's perspective on how your husband must feel. He'd be rightfully slated if he and his mum had been doing the same thing about your mum.

No one who spoke that way about my mother would be stepping foot in my house,

Spoke what way??? She said “oh no” and “that woman”. Jesus!

Plus, adults can decline absolutely. Adults who have plans decided for them whether they want to or not, and then have it told to them after the fact, aren’t provided the opportunity to decline.

And apparently when they do decline, they’re monsters!

Actually it’s their problem. It’s your mums and MILs life. Don’t feel bad for someone else’s feelings. Tell your mum DH heard her. You don’t need to apologise - she said it.

I’ve been there though and learnt to compartmentalise and not take one orry and guilt about other people’s actions as my own.

Let your mum be the embarrassed one.

Adults can decline, absolutely, and I agree it isn't right that OP's mum was bounced into attending a lunch she didn't want to go to. I just don't agree the DH is out of order here. It sounds like his mum made a well-meaning but ill-judged gesture and OP's mum, wrongly assuming DH wouldn't hear, made a pretty unpleasant comment. And it was unpleasant, at least unnecessarily rude. I understand her frustration but she put OP in a needlessly difficult situation when all she had to do was say she'd rather be with her grandson that day. The trouble with Facetime is you have to be careful what you say as common sense should tell you there may be others around who can hear the conversation.

Your mil is trying to and your DH is allowing her to take over by having an event at hers on the Saturday. It’s a total power play and I think your mum knows it and was restrained in what she said

Have you spoken to your dh because really your mum was not wrong

I'd just leave them all to get on with it. The OP is not responsible for her mother's actions.

Just let it wash over you and dont get involved

Thanks for all the comments. Really different and interesting perspectives.
I’ve spoken to DH who has calmed down and doesn’t want me to tell my mum, I think he was surprised at what she said (he knew she hasn’t always been keen on spending time with his mum in the past but didn’t realise the ‘dislike’ aspect)
I’ve also spoken to my mum who said she was shocked at first but again has now thought about it and doesn’t want me to cancel.
In future I will be trying to pay much more attention to what’s going on so we don’t end up with the drama

Some many people here would be totally fine with being called "that woman".

Which is interesting.

People dont have to like other people but if there is no reason then there is no justification in doing down someone.

Without knowing your mil, it's hard to say whether she's just a hospitable and welcoming person or whether she's controlling and trying to muscle in on everything.

Your DM didn't say anything particularly bad. Even if she liked her and enjoyed spending teeth her, she's likely to be put out at having to spend the whole weekend with her instead of who she really travelled to see.