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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH overheard DM make nasty comment about DMiL

91 replies

Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 20:25

I’m kinda wishing this week was over... its always like this in the run up to an event (this time it’s DS’s 2nd birthday party next weekend).
My mum lives far away so is travelling for the party, staying with us for a few nights. My MIL lives about 30 mins away from us, and invited us all (incl Mum) to lunch on the Saturday, the party is on the Sunday at ours which everyone will be at.
Now my mum doesn’t like my MIL - complete clash of characters. Always polite to her face but doesn’t like to spend time with her. DH is semi-aware of this.
When we were invited it caught me off guard and I couldn’t think of an excuse not to go (which, perhaps wrongly, I would normally do). So DH said yep we’ll come and I nodded away.
Fast forward to today - called my mum to tell her over the phone.
Her response : oh no, oh no, terrible. Aren’t we spending enough time on Sunday with that woman?
Problem is - she was on FaceTime as had just been talking to DS and DH was in the room.
I quickly said something along the lines of ‘oh come on Mum, it’ll be fun, it’s very nice of her to invite us’ and then said goodbye before she could make it worse.
DH is angry, said my mum is completely out of order. What can I do? Advice appreciated

OP posts:
ArghWhoAreYou · 01/06/2018 21:13

If she's polite to DMIL's face then she also needs to be polite behind her back.

This is so weird. It's like saying you must be an arsehole to everyone you don't like. Being an adult means being polite to people you don't like. Not being polite about everyone all the time.

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:14

And YY to your DH deciding how your mum spends her time!

corythatwas · 01/06/2018 21:14

otoh yes, we can blow off steam to family members

otoh it shows little consideration for the OP (unless, I suppose, she also hates her MIL and wants to indulge in rants against her)

to her the MIL is not just some random "that woman", but her dh's (presumably) beloved mother and her son's grandmother

there is at least potentially the possibility of conflict of loyalty here

how would she have reacted if it had been the OPs dh being overheard saying "why do we have to have that woman over to stay"- because allowed to blow off steam and all that

imho you should choose which family members you blow off steam to

RafikiIsTheBest · 01/06/2018 21:15

If my mum said something like that I'd be furious. MIL and I have had issues in the past but they were our issues, not for my DM to get involved in. If she has a problem with my MIL she can moan all she likes, but so someone else. It's not really on that she is complaining to you in such a blunt way, especially with your DS in earshot, yes he's only little but it's amazing just how much they can take in and at what age will she stop saying these things around him?

I think you need to have a word with her. Fine for her to say she'd rather not as she's spending Sunday with your ILs and it will be too much for her, not okay to say 'that women' when talking about your MIL (IMO).

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:18

Who says she’s getting involved in anything? Who says ds was still in the room?

This is bizarre!

She is capable, I’m sure, of disliking someone off her own bat. It doesn’t need to be anything to do with OP! Confused

crispysausagerolls · 01/06/2018 21:24

category12

Agree

AcrossthePond55 · 01/06/2018 21:42

I don't particularly care for my son's MiL but I would never say anything to him about it! As far as I know he gets along fine with her and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause problems. Plus my DiL is lovely and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

Your mum can dislike whomever she chooses, but she is wrong to drag you into it.

MadMags · 01/06/2018 21:48

Except she didn’t actually drag her into it!

It was announced to her that she was going for lunch whether she wanted to or not.

Mother replied with “oh no, is Sunday not enough blah blah”. How is that dragging OP into?

It’s very rude to make plans for someone without even asking them!

Doofenschmirtz · 01/06/2018 21:57

I think you were both wrong to accept an invitation on your DM's behalf. It would have been better to have said that you would let her know later.

She didn't know that your DH was listening in on what she thought was a private conversation with her DD.

What is it that you think she should apologise for? Not liking MIL or for mentioning it in a call to you?

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 21:59

I've had my issues with my MIL, but I do consider her my family too and like her (most of the time!). My MIL is quite self-centered and rarely talks or asks about anyone but herself, I've just learned to accept it as who she is, but my mum can't stand it... it really winds her up. Mum is also very good at holding grudges on my behalf (even if I've forgiven and made up with someone a long time ago!)
Mum is also jealous of my MIL being so close to us (she's admitted this before) and so I think part of it was shock that she was going to have to see someone she's not particularly keen on and will have to 'share' DS with on both weekend days.
In an ideal world both me and DH would love them to get along but I know that's not going to happen.

They both want to come to some family events (anything centered around DS for a start), and that's fair enough but means that my mum has to be civil to MIL, and that she can't avoid her.

DS had already gone to bed when the comment was said, I don't think she would say anything negative about my MIL in front of him.

I think DH just thought it'd be nice for everyone to have lunch together (he is so laid back it doesn't occur to him) and to be fair I didn't pipe up with any objections when the lunch was suggested.

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:02

Well I think you both have been a bit mean. Your mum should get some time with ds.

And MIL should just let your mum have the time that she gets herself with ds.

nibblingandbiting · 01/06/2018 22:07

I don't understand what your mum has done wrong. Big deal she doesn't like your mil, she doesn't have to. A lot of dils' don't even like their partner's mums. She was told about the lunch and made a comment about that. Was she supposed to fake happiness about this? If so why?

I don't think she has anything to apologise for. What is the rationale behind that? Some people we like, others we dont. some we tolerate because of the rare meeting, and we grin and bear it.

I don't think it will do any good either for her to know that he overheard. He must also realise that some people don't like each other and that this is perfectly fine as long as when they do meet they are civil and it sounds like your dm is.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 22:13

Normally I wouldn't have accepted the invitation on her behalf, I would have made some excuse knowing my mum didn't want to go. This time it caught me off guard as MIL had already asked if we were doing anything (we said we didn't have plans) and I wasn't really concentrating on the conversation.

OP posts:
chickenpox100 · 01/06/2018 22:18

I'd be just like your mum - disappointed at not getting one day to myself with you all. Although she shouldn't have said it, it wasn't very kind of you to allow her weekend to be filled up with someone you know she can't stand when she's probably so looking forward to seeing you and baby. There's only so much a person can stand and be saintly about it.

chickenpox100 · 01/06/2018 22:19

And it does seem very controlling for your MIL to tie you up both days. Doesn't she realise she's meant to step back and let the far away grandparents have their special time on the rare occasions they're around? Maybe she does realise...

MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:19

But it’s just bad manners OP, regardless of how your mum feels about her.

And I just think you’re all being unfair. Let the woman have a day with her grandchild for gods sake!

Justmuddlingalong · 01/06/2018 22:20

If your DM doesn't get to spend as much time with you and your immediate family as your MIL, added to the fact they don't get on, she may feel MIL is monopolising her visit. Perfectly understandable reaction IMO, but just unfortunate DH heard.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 22:21

I have been going up to see her more as I'm not working, and she does come down to see us a lot more since having DS. It's prob between 3-5 days every month / month and a half recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 22:23

I didn't even think of it being linked to MIL being controlling (although that is one of the things my mum has said about her before)

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:24

The lunch is completely unnecessary. Surely you can see that?

Why don’t you cancel it and just spend the day with your mum?

Your DH is being a bit of a dick. And you (sorry!)

greenlynx · 01/06/2018 22:26

It's nice that your MIL invited you all for a lunch but .... It looks for me that MIL can't bear a thought that she will see her DGS on Sunday whereas your DM will see him also on Saturday hence the invite. Your DM became upset and snapped just a tiny little bit as she hoped to spend this Saturday with you. Your DH should understand this.

AnnaMagnani · 01/06/2018 22:26

The number of people whose ILs get along is probably quite small.

There was a thread where someone asked about this not long ago and loads of people posted saying their sets of parents hadn't even met, or met once at the wedding and never again.

Both sets making friends and going to joint events regularly was definitely the minority!

Your DM lives further away. It's logical that when she visits, she wants the visit to be all about her spending time with you and her GCs, not interrupted by MIL. MIL lives close by and gets lots of short visits and so likely doesn't mind having DM share, as she has so many visits anyway. Their needs are not the same.

I'd try to wean them off both wanting to come to the one birthday day or whatever it is, and set them up individually with things that are best for each of them.

pallisers · 01/06/2018 22:29

Your mum didn't know your dh could hear (and the idea that being polite in public must mean you are polite in private could lead to the downfall of western civilisation as people's heads explode from the effort) so really don't see she has much to apologise for. Not everyone likes everyone else.

And I think your MIL is insensitive. She sees you all much more often and has not ensured that your mum will not have one day with her grandchild/daughter without MIL in it too. I'd be a bit tired of that if I were your mum.

Wouldn't you just say to MIL, you know thinking it over while lunch is a lovely idea and so kind of you - but we'll all be together on sunday and I'd love to spend a bit of time with mum on Saturday as I don't see her that often.

And some people's reactions are so dramatic - like this:

I would leave dm at your house while you go to lunch with mil. Tell mil she has a headache and tell dm you have uninvited her as you won't be part of her sham - nice to her face and a bitch behind her back. And she needs to apologise to your dh or she can go home.

Literally punish dm like a naughty child for daring to express to her own daughter that she'd prefer not to go to lunch with another adult she doesn't like.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 01/06/2018 22:30

MadMags
I get what you're saying, and I honestly made a mistake (you didn't have to call me a dick for me to get that!) and that's why I posted on here to get different perspectives on this.

I should have made an excuse / said no in the first place and now I'm trying to deal with it!
Either way someone is going to be put out - my Mum (for having to go), my DH & MIL (if I make up some excuse and cancel).

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/06/2018 22:36

Sorry, I was being a bit tongue in cheek! But I do think your DH is a bit of one!

I would just say to MIL that DM is only arriving at X time so on thinking it through more, you’re just going to see her at the party.