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Original poster

Became official he’s became ‘off’

77 replies

GFat32 · 01/06/2018 16:44

Hi all quick background-stbxh cheated and we broke up six months ago hiwever the marriage was over for two years

Started dating a guy around three months ago few hiccups with online dating apps at start but agreed that he would come off then focus on us see how that goes

Well last weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend he wanted to make things official. I said yes and we had a lovely night together and seen each other twice since. However his mood has been quite dry(ish) he admitted today that he has been grumpy this week and I asked him was it because we were officia was he having second thoughts etc he said no said he is just tired. But tbh his reaction has left me quite insecure now he also mentioned a few weeks ago about a family event that he might get a +1 for and if so would bring me it’s in a few weeks....but no mention of it again which is fine if he isn’t getting a +1 but I’m a bit annoyed he won’t acknowledge that.

Anyway I’ve been out of the start of gf/bf things for a long time...what is normal or not I feel so immature wondering constantly 🤔🤔

OP posts:
MaudlinMews · 01/06/2018 17:01

Can you expand on the dating app hiccups and the dry mood? We need more information. Whats his situation? Single, separated or divorced? Kids?

Original poster
GFat32 · 01/06/2018 18:20

He is single never married one Dd

So when we were dating he was still using a ‘swipe’ dating site not meeting up with anyone’s he said it was more a habit

I told him it was those apps or dating me and he deleted them then a few weeks later he has now wanted to make it official with us.

This week if I send a nice message he will then send a jokey/sarcastic one in reply and I’m kinda thinking if we’ve just started being official it would be nice to get the odd ‘nice’ message

OP posts:
NordicNobody · 02/06/2018 00:37

I’m kinda thinking if we’ve just started being official it would be nice to get the odd ‘nice’ message

I'm kinda thinking that at every point in your relationship you should be getting exclusively 'nice' messages! Sounds to me like being fairly freshly out of a shit marriage your bar for good behaviour is still pretty low. I'm not saying you should ditch him, I'm just saying that you should have a really hard think before moving forwards about the minimum level of kindness and affection you want from a relationship, triple that, and then set that as your new bar. Stick to it like glue and if he doesn't meet your bar, move on. You don't need to settle for scraps of niceness. If he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated that isn't a sign that you need to lower your expectations, it's a sign that you're about to swap one crappy relationship for another.

VanGoghsDog · 02/06/2018 00:44

It shouldn't be this hard.

PolkaHots · 02/06/2018 00:47

No, this is not normal.

Three months in he should be desperate for you to be his plus one so he can show you off to his family and friends.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 07:22

Thanks ladies for this advice I think it’s what I have needed to hear. He had his DD last night so I sent him a message saying to have a nice night he replied thanks but no ‘you have a nice night too’ I could see he was online all night but he didn’t contact me
Again until I got a ‘goodnight’ Message. I just don’t see why he asked to be official if he wasn’t arsed Angry

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 02/06/2018 07:52

Pull back a little, GF. No need to go straight back on the dating apps, but invest a little less headspace in 'what's he doing, why's he doing it'. Get on with your life, put a bit of space between you and him, see if he steps forward or pulls back himself. It's only been a few weeks.

MaudlinMews · 02/06/2018 09:18

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open but wants you all to himself. One rule for him and another fir you.

yetmorecrap · 02/06/2018 10:03

I honestly think some people get hooked on these apps and get almost like ‘withdrawal’ symptoms when they are actually ‘with’ someone.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 10:04

I thought I was reading way to into things and being overly cautious but I do think it’s a case of keeping his options open

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 02/06/2018 10:38

I've only recently come across the term 'breadcrumbing' and wonder if this is what he is doing? An ex of mine did this, seemed to know how to do just enough to keep me hoping - and the difference between messages/behaviour from him and from my lovely husband is enormous. Kind messages and showing you care...is not hard if you truly do care and are truly a decent person.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 11:08

I just can’t understand him he asked me I didn’t pressure him into the label. Yet I’m
The one now feeling shit. I know if I pull him on it he’ll say he’s just tired or busy with DD but he’s blatantly sitting online obviously texting others but not bothering to even send me a good morning text

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 02/06/2018 11:57

He's got you waiting for titbits. It really shouldn't be this hard. Affection doesn't cost anything.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 12:02

It’s just so hurtful why people want to draw someone in then drop them when suits. He was also very aware of my trust issues and told me that he would help me
Through them..:Hmm

OP posts:
TheGreatestHo · 02/06/2018 12:04

I’m more worried about the swipe app becoming a habit :/ that’s an age old line these days

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 12:16

I was just concerned I was over reacting about how he’s been getting on and being to sensitive but I’m glad I’m not

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 02/06/2018 12:32

My ex did this. Always told me he was tired and busy but could see he was actively online. Then I was being over sensitive and reading into things. He'd read messages then not reply for hours. In the early days unless on a phone meeting or driving (worked from home) he'd always reply within a few mins or straight after reading it. He'd message when he woke up but that soon stopped after a couple of months. I also have trust issues. With the help of MN I finally saw him for the abusive arse he was. Dump him is my honest advice as he'll only get worse.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 12:48

He is flat out on snapchat this morning adding to his story not sending me any...then I text him saying to enjoy breakfast with his dad and I got a ‘have a good day’ text in reply 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 02/06/2018 12:53

I'm going to say to you what others said to me:
"When a man first shows you who he is, listen."

Listen to his actions not his words . He's showing you you are not that important to him. You'll be told you're clingy and needy next.

Write a list of all the positives and negatives of this relationship and see what that tells you. Include everything. I thought my ex was wonderful and what I'd been waiting for for all my adult life. When I did that list I had about 50 negative things on it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/06/2018 12:56

I think you need to review your expectations for dating. No way would I be telling someone I'd only known a couple of months to choose me over the apps. I'd expect him to make that decision as a no-brainer, and if he was struggling there, I'd go off him and would back off a lot.

Mind you, I wouldn't be asking someone I hardly know to help with trust issues... I think you've got to work through those yourself. Sure, I've had moments of wondering what my new man was thinking, if he's been quiet for a day, but I don't share those with him more than in a "what have you been doing today?" at the end of the day.

I think the feeling of insecurity is something you should pay attention to. It's a signal to draw back, put a bit of space between you.

Don't fall into the trap of expecting to tell him how he should behave. You told him about coming off dating apps; don't now tell him he should be being nicer to you.

If it starts off like this, it's unlikely to get better. You want to be giddy with happiness, three months in.

LadyintheRadiator · 02/06/2018 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiteraryDevil1 · 02/06/2018 13:04

I also think it's good to take time out for yourself after your marriage ends as even if it's been over years there's still a lot of feelings and thoughts to work through. You need time to heal and to enjoy being on your own and having no one you need to compromise for. Enjoy the "selfish" time you couldn't have in your marriage.

Original poster
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 13:05

I didn’t ask him to help he said it to me when we were talking about trust. I’m not gonna pull him on his quietness the past few days as it gets me nowhere he will have an excuse. We are meant to be seeing each other tomorrow at some stage but I will wait to see if he asks to see me I’m not gonna ask then I will ask him face to face is this what he wants or do I just tell him first!

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 02/06/2018 13:07

That's one place you are going wrong right there. Don't wait for him to make plans, tell you what's happening etc. He doesn't get to say jump and you say how high. Seriously, make that list today and have a good think then tell him tomorrow this isn't going to work for you and wish him all the best.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/06/2018 13:16

Think about what you want. Do you think it's time to walk away?

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