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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Became official he’s became ‘off’

77 replies

GFat32 · 01/06/2018 16:44

Hi all quick background-stbxh cheated and we broke up six months ago hiwever the marriage was over for two years

Started dating a guy around three months ago few hiccups with online dating apps at start but agreed that he would come off then focus on us see how that goes

Well last weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend he wanted to make things official. I said yes and we had a lovely night together and seen each other twice since. However his mood has been quite dry(ish) he admitted today that he has been grumpy this week and I asked him was it because we were officia was he having second thoughts etc he said no said he is just tired. But tbh his reaction has left me quite insecure now he also mentioned a few weeks ago about a family event that he might get a +1 for and if so would bring me it’s in a few weeks....but no mention of it again which is fine if he isn’t getting a +1 but I’m a bit annoyed he won’t acknowledge that.

Anyway I’ve been out of the start of gf/bf things for a long time...what is normal or not I feel so immature wondering constantly 🤔🤔

OP posts:
GFat32 · 02/06/2018 13:32

I’m very confused if he was more open I’d be happy to go on in this relationship but he just seems closed. I’m worried I’m over reacting it’s only 3 months dating and a week gf/bf so should I really expect constant contact think a drive and a walk will help

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 02/06/2018 13:37

It's not constant contact you want though is it? It's just good quality keeping in touch and keeping that spark alive and well. Things sound very one sided to me in all this and after only 3 months things should be as close to perfection t as it's possible to get.
I have 3 children and still managed to make plenty of time for contact with my ex without it impacting my children's time with me. It only takes a couple of minutes to send a nice message that's more than just "have a good day"
I hope a walk helps you see things for how they areThanks

MrsMozart · 02/06/2018 14:09

It's meant to be fun and happy and exciting.

I wouldn't be happy with that level of contact (or rather lack of it!) and I've been married to the bloke to twenty-odd years.

NordicNobody · 02/06/2018 14:34

I agree with LiteraryDevil, you're giving him all the power here. You're waiting for him to text you, waiting for him to make plans, trying to guess how interested he is. You need to start taking statements like this:

if he was more open I’d be happy to go on in this relationship but he just seems closed.

Which are all about him, and rephrasing them in your head as statements like like:

I'd like a relationship with someone emotionally open, and this man seems emotionally closed, therefore this relationship is not something I will be happy to go on with

Don't think:

*should I really expect constant contact?"

Think:

*At this stage in a relationship, in order to feel happy and connected, I expect constant contact, and it's not being given."

You're phrasing everything in terms of how you should best bend yourself in order to fit the relationship that's on offer. You need to start thinking about what YOU want and whether the relationship on offer fits YOUR needs. It doesn't matter if other people think your expectations for contact are too high, if that's the level of contact that you want then don't settle for less.

And for what it's worth I ALWAYS felt (and was accused of being) "needy" in relationships, always "over reacting" and "expecting too much" over things like this. I wasted months or years trying to dial it back and play it cool - basically trying to constantly guess their interest level and behave in a way that would best maintain it. And then after my last relationship I'd absolutely had enough. Like, sick to the back bloody teeth of trying to change myself to fit around someone else's crap. I made a big list of what I wanted from a relationship, the levels of contact and affection etc, and swore to not deviate from that list. And every date I went on I asked myself "is this person meeting MY expectations? Is this person behaving in a way that makes ME feel happy and confident?" And if the answer was no, off I went. No trying to change myself, no waiting for them to change, no compromise, no exceptions. And since I met my DP I have never once felt insecure or needy, because (shockingly) you don't behave in a needy way with someone who's actually meeting your needs! Seems blindingly obvious but it took me about 12 years to figure that one out.

I'm telling you, start making yourself and your needs the first priority in your life - it's a bloody revelation!

FireInTheMole · 02/06/2018 14:48

Not worth the wondering after 3 months.

teaandtoast · 02/06/2018 15:02

Wise words @NordicNobody

PolkaHots · 02/06/2018 20:02

I think Nordic’s post would sort about 90% of the problems you see on the relationships board. Grin

bluedabadeedabadoo · 02/06/2018 21:29

This sounds exactly like how I feel in my current relationship but for me it's been over a year!! I can't imagine it will get better! Maybe it's something different with you but for my bf I'm 99% sure it's fear of commitment. We have spoke about this again and again and about what I want but he seems to be backing off and keeping me at arms length. I still haven't met his family and he too invited me to an event as a plus one but then hasn't mentioned it since. It's not great for the self esteem is it 😞

BlessYourCottonSocks · 02/06/2018 21:36

Nordic has it absolutely right. The key to happiness in relationships is to decide, 'this is what I expect from a relationship' and if someone does not give it - off their own bat, with no nagging - then gracefully end the relationship.

It does not have to be this hard. Just smile and say, 'this isn't working for me, but you have a nice life' and move on. You will meet the right person and it will be great.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/06/2018 09:14

I think he may have got swept up in things and is now realising hes not ready. Maybe hes just messing you around or maybe hes realising this isnt what he wants but is aware he has been a bit of a twat. In anycase you dont have to sit around waiting for him to decide you know. It sounds like youve had to kind of push him into doing things he should want to do, deep down you know he isnt giving these things to you openly and thats why you are feeling insecure. Surely, if youre his gf and hes having a bad week its you he would want to see to cheer him up.
You can decide that this isnt working for you, you can decide you deserve someone who is excited to see you, not one you have to work so hard to get a 2 word text from. You can decide that you want someone who makes you feel sprcial not an insecure nuisance. You can make the decision that youre worth more, that you dont need his respect because you have your own and end it. You dont have to sit around waiting for him to decide to treat you correctly.
I would advise you simply say it isnt working for you, this is the honeymoon period its meant to be all hearts and flowers. Im all for taking it slow and steady but you in yourself know he isnt feeling this so why wait around for him to change his mind.
Divorce is horrible and you need to recover my advice would be to end this and work.on yourself. Get happy just being you and deal with your trust issues rather than hoping someone else will. I promise you after that has been done your bar will be so high you wont even look at anything other than a decent man. One who is worthy of your time and headspace.

MiniTheMinx · 03/06/2018 09:51

I get the impression that whenever a woman shares her anxieties and shows vulnerability to a man she has only just met that it is the beginning of the end.

Don't.

When you convey to a man what you need you do so in such a way that makes it clear: I expect this to happen, it's happened in past relationships, other men would provide, do, say, be whatever it is, and there is no question of me putting up with less from you. "You are what you do" and make it clear as day to him that if he doesn't put you first and treat you well that you don't have to and won't have to stick around.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2018 09:58

Personally I'd tell him I don't feel it's going well and end it.

No fuss...no drama.

GFat32 · 03/06/2018 11:12

There has been some wonderful advice here thank you all so much.

I text him last night told him if he wasn’t happy being official gf bf that was fine and he just needed to say...

His reply was that he doesn’t feel ready to be official he thought he was but he wasn’t. He was going to have a proper talk with me apparently about this.

So there we go standards have to be put highly and I need to go with my gut more often x

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 03/06/2018 11:29

So have you ended it? I hope so. He's an immature twat. So sorry you've wasted your time with him. It hurts more I think when we are all supposedly older and wiser and mature. I've not seen any evidence of men having matured when it comes to how they handle relationships though. I just hope I've met a bad bunch and there are decent guys out there.

NataliaOsipova · 03/06/2018 11:34

His reply was that he doesn’t feel ready to be official he thought he was but he wasn’t.

Is he 15???

ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/06/2018 11:58

From what you were saying i got the impression that may be the case. I kind of found myself in a similar situation recently (and no im not 15 lol) met someone, dated, he was pushing to be exclusive and i liked him so went along with it. Within days i knew i wasnt ready so tried to cool it. I spoke to him explained how i felt and cut contact.
Well done for raising it with him but with all due respect you were still leaving the comtrol with him. Rather than if you dont want to be with me thats ok next time try the way you are acting isnt what im looking for, i deserve better. So i wish you well but youre not for me, bye.

Sametimesameplace · 03/06/2018 12:07

I wouldn’t bother talking to him about it. Dont settle for something you don’t want. Walk away.

lonelyatchristmas · 03/06/2018 12:29

That sounds so like my relationship.. everything was going fantastically went on a brilliant weekend away.. got on great.. and since then he has made constant excuses as to not meet up.. he still texts saying he misses me and want to be with me but all on his terms.. if he wants contact then he'll contact if I contact he'll read message and not reply for a few hours or maybe not at all.. if I read his message and not reply straight away I get why did you read and not reply.. to say it hurts is an understatement as I swore I wouldn't let myself be pulled in again to get hurt and I've let it happen...

GFat32 · 03/06/2018 15:28

No there will be no meeting to discuss tbh I think he would have either ghosted me or silent treatment until I broke it off he has always said he doesn’t like emotional talks.

I just cannot understand what he got out of asking me
Then to do this not even a week later it does actually hurt

OP posts:
GFat32 · 03/06/2018 22:09

Argh he text me this evening calling me the pet name he has for me and I wrote back and said there was no need for anymore contact seeing as he dumped me with a laughing face and he wrote back not dumped a temporary setback Angry

OP posts:
unmumsyma · 03/06/2018 22:34

Has he been single long? How old is his little one? Maybe he’s still hung up on ex or not ready for it to be official yet? Have you met his family or anything? It’s very strange he wanted to be official then gone quiet on you like that.. must be a reason for it to be honest

LiteraryDevil1 · 03/06/2018 22:43

Oh ffs this is really making me cross now. Please read this:

http://clarewalkerconsultancy.com/warning-signs-how-to-spot-a-dominator/

This guy is a classic emotionally abusive bastard and you are dancing to his tune.

Is your relationship bar so low that you will accept this as good?

Despite everything everyone has said you are still clinging on to whatever pathetic breadcrumbs he throws your way. Please find your self respect and end this farce before he really hurts you Thanks

PolkaHots · 03/06/2018 23:11

Just tell him to fuck off for Christ’s sake.

LiteraryDevil1 · 03/06/2018 23:13

Polka glad it's not just me!

PrizeOik · 03/06/2018 23:17

This man really enjoys the sport of torturing women. He finds head games interesting and fun and likes to make women feel unstable, miserable and needy. It probably is a huge ego boost for him.

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