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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Became official he’s became ‘off’

77 replies

GFat32 · 01/06/2018 16:44

Hi all quick background-stbxh cheated and we broke up six months ago hiwever the marriage was over for two years

Started dating a guy around three months ago few hiccups with online dating apps at start but agreed that he would come off then focus on us see how that goes

Well last weekend he asked me to be his girlfriend he wanted to make things official. I said yes and we had a lovely night together and seen each other twice since. However his mood has been quite dry(ish) he admitted today that he has been grumpy this week and I asked him was it because we were officia was he having second thoughts etc he said no said he is just tired. But tbh his reaction has left me quite insecure now he also mentioned a few weeks ago about a family event that he might get a +1 for and if so would bring me it’s in a few weeks....but no mention of it again which is fine if he isn’t getting a +1 but I’m a bit annoyed he won’t acknowledge that.

Anyway I’ve been out of the start of gf/bf things for a long time...what is normal or not I feel so immature wondering constantly 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Oddcat · 03/06/2018 23:39

I think the minute you have to start analysing someone's behaviour , it's time to end it. My sister , as an example, has been married to a lovely man for 30 years and not once have we ever had to dissect his behaviour because he hasn't done anything that has been questionable, he's never left her wondering what he's up to or sent her mixed messages.

Original poster
GFat32 · 04/06/2018 00:16

Oh it is ended believe me!!! I will never ever see this man again.

He has been single over a year...no didn’t meet the parents. After our first date I actually told my friend there was something about him I couldn’t put my finger on but it was telling me ‘no’ about him. Then I convinced myself I was being weary because of my ex and mostly he seemed nice except for this niggle

Well that niggle was right my gut is so spot on I am always listening to it now x

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 04/06/2018 00:20

Good for you OP! Imma firm advocate of listening to your gut after ignoring mine so many times over the years.
You deserve much better Thanks

LiteraryDevil1 · 04/06/2018 00:21

I'm a. It's late, sorry!

Original poster
GFat32 · 04/06/2018 00:32

I replied to the temporary setback and said

‘I like you but I love me more so take your shit mind playing games and do them with someone else I don’t need or deserve them’

Number deleted and blocked dickhead

OP posts:
wagil · 04/06/2018 00:49

GF That's a rare and wonderful response from you. Star

VanGoghsDog · 04/06/2018 01:44

Well done GF!

Cawfee · 04/06/2018 06:17

Yay good for you!

DottyBlue2 · 04/06/2018 06:37

He sounds a bit like my ExH so well done for nipping this in the bud.

LiteraryDevil1 · 04/06/2018 07:37

Awesome! Well done!

NordicNobody · 04/06/2018 09:19

Fantastic reply!!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 04/06/2018 10:14

Well that definitely took the control back. Well done Gf. Now make sure you believe you deserve more. Going forward no second chances, if someone doesnt know that they want you dont give them the time to decide. I hope youre feeling ok, you should be very proud of yourself so showing strength and self respect.

Original poster
GFat32 · 04/06/2018 11:47

Ugh I do feel kinda shit now last night I felt quite powerful. Just can’t uunderstand what he got out of playing me like that

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 04/06/2018 14:31

GF well done on getting rid.

When you're not like they are it's impossible to understand why men want to screw with women like that. I've stopped trying to understand.

Women tend to make so many excuses for this dickish psycho behavior. I know I have!

PolkaHots · 04/06/2018 15:52

Maybe he wasn't playing you. Maybe he thought he wanted to make it official, but then it didn't feel right.

Either way, at least you know and can move on from this.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/06/2018 15:59

I think he liked what he was getting out of being with you, and was trying to ensure it continued, but he didn't want to give much back.

PickAChew · 04/06/2018 16:06

This one doesn't have legs. Don't have yourself always second guessing him. If it's crap now, it's never going to get any better.

Original poster
GFat32 · 04/06/2018 17:03

I would get it if after asking me I started demanding things but I didn’t we seen each other as often as when we were just dating.

I will never know onwards and upwards luckily he lives miles away so I won’t bump into him anytime soon

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 04/06/2018 17:24

I don't really get this 'being official' thing - you're just dating and it gradually moves on to meeting friends, then family - if none of that happens at a pace you're happy with, then have a chat about it.

But there really is no need to label it as 'official' or anything at all.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 04/06/2018 19:58

I disagree and think that there is a need to make things official. When this is is debatable but some people don't have any intention of a relationship developing into anything more serious and are happy for things to continue casually.

NordicNobody · 04/06/2018 20:39

Yeh, and then you end up 6 months down the line with the guy one person shagging someone else and saying "but we were never official..." I'd definitely want a clear statement after a few months that the relationship was exclusive.

I agree with everyone else OP, second guessing this guy will just give you a headache. It's probably more selfishness, thoughtlessness, and a general feeling of entitlement to do what he wants regardless of other's feelings, rather than active "playing" or manipulation, but that doesn't make it any better. You've done the right thing and you're thinking the right way. Onwards and upwards indeed 🙂

MiniTheMinx · 04/06/2018 21:05

I would suggest that him wanting to get out of "making it official" or exclusive is his way of saying "I want to keep my options open in case someone better comes along" he's either a deluded twat of a man who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it, or you simply aren't the right woman for him. Either way he said "your not good enough for me" but you were and you are too good for him because you can now see what a deluded self serving snake he is.......nothing wrong with your ability to pick through the pile and evaluate what's what.

As for having the "are we official chat" it does seem it is necessary these days. Otherwise men like this one are even more free to play games and string others along. Look how he reacted. Just imagine if this hadn't happened and six months in he was still looking about for something 'better'

VanGoghsDog · 04/06/2018 23:29

Exclusive - yes. I have that discussion after having sex a couple of times.

But 'official'? I don't understand why that word is used.

Mind you, I just dump the game layers anyway, which is probably why I'm single.

VanGoghsDog · 04/06/2018 23:30

*players, though layers works too!

Original poster
GFat32 · 04/06/2018 23:38

I was happy enough with the exclusive dating/sex he was the one that said about becoming official ‘gf bf’ which I what left me confused when he started acting off. I feel so much better tonight it would never have went anywhere anyway thinking back he has a lot of issues

OP posts: