Friend had affair and husband has just found out.

[blueselephant]

My friend has been having an affair and her husband had just found all the evidence of it.

Her DH is close friends with mine and has been confiding in him, they are both shocked as no one suspected, the thing is she told me about it and I've kept it secret.

I'm so lost as to what to do, should I tell my DH that I knew? He will be devastated that I kept it from him, and I'm not sure what will happen between us, we are working different shifts this weekend so I can't come clean until we get chance to sit down and talk about it.

My friend has been having a crisis for a while now, drinking way too much, being very chaotic and I just wanted to support her, I've always said that she needs to finish the affair and sort her marriage out but she was adamant that she was happy.

There is so much anger with her DH and they have a DS and a DD who want to stay with Dad and don't want to talk to their Mum, which is totally understandable.

I don't know any details about the man she's had the affair with so don't know if they'll get together now, what a mess, I wish I'd said something so many times and now it's too late but should I come clean that I knew or just keep quiet?

You say nothing. It's not your mess.

Don’t say a thing.

Aye.

Not your circus.

heck no.. say nothing... unless you believe she will say you knew..

or worse.. that you supported her decision to have an Affair

I agree with Falling and Cloudy wouldn't say anything. You didn't create the mess, it's their issue and not yours. Don't get dragged in as only they can sort it.

I don’t think you have to ‘come clean’ - you were supporting your friend even though she was in the wrong but that’s ok, it wasn’t your secret to tell and you have done nothing wrong.

I would tell my DH because I can’t lie to him but I know he wouldn’t be angry or tell her DH that I’d known, if I thought he would I’d be wary.

I would say nothing...and if your friend blurts out that you knew, then deny it ... dont let her affair cause issues for your marriage too...

But stay out of the whole thing...don't let on that you know anything, of they are discussing it in your presence, just act as shocked and disgusted as they are are...

Protect your own marriage, your friend made her own bed , let her lie in it...

Would your husband actually be "devastated" to learn that you knew about it.That seems a bit extreme. No offense intended, I just don't understand why he would be that upset.

That having been said, I would keep it under my hat and not say anything about it to him unless queried directly.

Thanks for your reply's! It's my DH that I feel like I should tell, I'm not going to tell her DH now, he knows a lot of what's gone on cos he's found the evidence but it's my DH that I want to come clean with but he will be so angry, he's seeing his friend absolutely devastated and I knew, it's so difficult.

Pilatesyank I know it seems extreme but he has grown up with his friend and had know my friend for 35 years, they have been together for a long time and he they are like brother and sister to my DH.

Going against the grain here but I think you need to tell your DH that you knew. If you make out you didn't know about the affair when you did then you are lying to your DH really, and if he finds out he will be really hurt.

I wouldn't tell him.
What's the point? If you weren't going to tell before, why tell now?

I'm not sure it's important to tell him unless he specifically asks. Then I can't see any problem that you haven't told him before. It wasn't your secret to pass on.

I think tell dh if you think he can handle it without turning his feelings about her cheating on to you. He might vent on you as you knew. He might not of course and realise what a horrible position your 'friend' put you in. She sounds very selfish and self absorbed. I would tell my dh.

I'd say you knew and had been encouraging her to end the affair. I think that's admirable and if she had listened would have stopped all this hurt from happening. Really there is nothing your dh knowing would have done to improve the situation. He would have either had to lie or tell and risk his friendship with his friend. You saved him that. He has no right to be upset with you. The only who can be upset is your friend's dh and the only person he can be upset with is her. Not your fault she told you. Put you in a really bad spot.

If your dh gets weird with you he really can fuck off. It's not his marriage, his marriage is fine and this wasn't actually any of his business.

I think you should tell your dh, because not telling him now would be lying. You kept her secret, and he should understand that. Telling him would not have made anything better or easier.

This is so hard for you OP.
Your friend has put you in this awful position - having to lie to your own DH to save her skin. Your marriage is more important to you than hers is, so bear that in mind whatever you do.

Since you have previously told your friend that she needed to finish the affair, you have done nothing wrong.

supersop60

The OP hasn't had to do anything. She made a decision.

Not your monkey, not your circus.

Tell your DH that you suspected but that you were not certain, so to avoid arriving at wrong conclusion you thought it best to say nothing.

OP if it was your friend's OH having the affair and your OH knew but kept it from you - how would you feel?

OH and I tend to share information like this.

That's how we are.

The issue would be that every time this comes up you will have to add to the lie. Forever!

You could tell your DH the truth, stress the fact that you were trying to persuade her to tell her DH and get it all sorted before it came out and hurt people.

Or you could stay quiet and hope she doesn't tell anyone she confided in you.

I know which I would do... my relationship with my DH is my priority and he would understand my reasons behind not telling him: i.e. not puttinghim in an equally difficult place, knowing something his friend didn't!

You have been a good friend to her, your DH should understand that.