Friend had affair and husband has just found out.

[blueselephant]

My friend has been having an affair and her husband had just found all the evidence of it.

Her DH is close friends with mine and has been confiding in him, they are both shocked as no one suspected, the thing is she told me about it and I've kept it secret.

I'm so lost as to what to do, should I tell my DH that I knew? He will be devastated that I kept it from him, and I'm not sure what will happen between us, we are working different shifts this weekend so I can't come clean until we get chance to sit down and talk about it.

My friend has been having a crisis for a while now, drinking way too much, being very chaotic and I just wanted to support her, I've always said that she needs to finish the affair and sort her marriage out but she was adamant that she was happy.

There is so much anger with her DH and they have a DS and a DD who want to stay with Dad and don't want to talk to their Mum, which is totally understandable.

I don't know any details about the man she's had the affair with so don't know if they'll get together now, what a mess, I wish I'd said something so many times and now it's too late but should I come clean that I knew or just keep quiet?

You’ll have to tell your husband I meant ^

Well, just that to be honest, if someone shares something in confidence then they have their reasons for doing so and it's not for me to judge or decide what they choose to do or not do next
This. Very well put

People who spill secrets to others don't have my trust much longer.

When did your husband know though. Did he come and tell you that his friend was worried?

*I wouldn’t personally be complicit in someone’s adultery.

You’ll tell your DH because if he finds out you knew via is mate/wife and that you neither told him nor confessed when it call came out, it will erode the trust between you.

If I found out my DH had covered up his mate’s infidelity to my friend I’d be livid.*

I totally agree.

It's not covering up. Covering up implies providing alibis for her etc. Just knowing isn't the same thing. Also, it's not just a question of it being the husbsnds friend - the OP has a long friendship with the wife. The problem here is that this woman has selfishly put you in this position.
I'm not a fan of lying, but imo not telling him something initially, that wasn't his business anyway, isn't lying, but pretending now that you didn't know is and would put you on dodgy ground with your h.

It doesn’t imply albis at all, simply covering up the truth.

Say nothing.

If it comes out, say she swore you to secrecy and you just hoped it would all go away.

I wouldn't advise pretending to act shocked and innocent op,that's adding more deceit into the mix and that never ends well.Your husband would probably rather you were open and honest than lied to him.
Tell him the truth,that you had attempted to stop her from seeing this other man and hadn't said anything because
A,not your secret to tell
B,she had asked you not too(if she had)
C,you'd hoped it would end and you thought if you told him,he would suffer not knowing whether to tell his friend.

All you can do is be there and try to not take sides,very difficult to do as both sides will want you to be 'on their side's (too many sides!😁)sorry!
Good luck

People who spill secrets to others don't have my trust much longer

In this case you’d be an adulteress so your trust would be worthless.

You’d be ok with your husband covering up his mate’s infidelity to your friend? Jeopardising her sexual health?

Your time to talk was when you found out. Your silence has facilitated the affair.

I have been in this four-way situation, as one of the ignorant parties. It was left to me to inform the injured party (or not) when I was put in the picture. I explained what was happening, stated unconditional support for the person's decision and many years later, we are all still friends, except the OW, who has since remarried elsewhere very happily.

In this case you’d be an adulteress so your trust would be worthless.
You’d be ok with your husband covering up his mate’s infidelity to your friend
I wouldn't be happy if he was acting as an alibi or actively being involved. I would understand being aware and liking the friend but condeming the actions. Jeopardising her sexual health?
Making wild assertions here. That assumes everyone is having unprotected sex.

I have my marriage to my husband. I would not betray his confidence to me by sharing things witj friends. I am a friend to my friends. I do not betray their confidences to my husband.
We are married. We are not the same person. I would not be married to someone who felt entitled to hear my friends' secret and if my husband came home dishing dirt on his friends I would wonder what he was sharing about me outwards.

I'd tell him. I personally couldn't have something like that hanging over my head. And she might say you knew, it'll be worse the longer it goes on.

If it were me I'd probably have already told him before her dh found out.

I would not be married to someone who felt entitled to hear my friends' secret

Surely everyone can see there is a difference between spilling a friends secret and divulging information that is going to alter a marriage, this is not a secret this is pure deceit and should have been shared.

I would argue anything which is this huge (and that includes situations like a friend stopping contraception or a husband having a child they have not disclosed) needs to be shared to allow the partner the chance to end the relationship. You should have divulged this information when you first found out, please don't continue to be part of the deceit.

It's overly dramatic to say the OP is guilty of 'pure deceit'. No she isn't - the cheater is. OP is just someone caught between a rock and a hard place - it's not her responsibility to be telling people.
Besides, quite often, people shoot the messenger.

OP is just someone caught between a rock and a hard place - it's not her responsibility to be telling people.
Besides, quite often, people shoot the messenger.
I agree

That assumes everyone is having unprotected sex

Nope. Purely based on the fact that condoms are not 100% effective.

if my husband came home dishing dirt on his friends I would wonder what he was sharing about me outwards

The term ‘dishing the dirt’ in the context of adultery is so immature it’s hard to credit from an adult.

Bottom line is some people seem to value keeping a secret above integrity.

She’s not caught between a rock and a hard place she put herself there.

If she’d behaved with integrity at the start she wouldn’t have been in this position.

just because you married someone, does not mean you become the same person or become entitled to hear all your spouses friends secrets. This is actually gross. How disrespectful to your mates.
Have some fucking boundaries. I hope you tell all your friends to not talk to you about anything in confidence again

Dh and I have a couple friend. If dh knew the other dh was cheating and (1) kept the secret and (2) continued the friendship I would seriously question his judgement and feel he was complicit.

How disrespectful to your mates. Have some fucking boundaries.

I'm not sure I could be 'mates' with someone who had an affair so I guess that means I'm not a great friend but I could never be complicit in knowing about an affair and not tell their partner. No matter how good the friend was. I don't think I'm alone in that viewpoint or that it would be considered crossing some imaginary moral friend code boundaries .

Dh and I have a couple friend. If dh knew the other dh was cheating and (1) kept the secret and (2) continued the friendship I would seriously question his judgement and feel he was complicit.

I totally agree.

Me too.

Have some fucking boundaries

Have some fucking ethics and some discrimination. This is not any old ''secret', it's a deep betrayal of a man you know personally and well.

My boundaries are very clear: I do not accept cheating and I will not be complicit in it. I would be very unlikely to stay friends with a cheat.

The term ‘dishing the dirt’ in the context of adultery is so immature it’s hard to credit from an adult.
It was a general comment about sharing things said in confidence.

Bottom line is if my husband came home and was spilling information his friends shared in confidence (whatever it is) then it is dishing the dirt. He's a grown man and a separate entity from me. I trust that some things I say to him stay between us just as things my friends tell me do not get passed to DH. There are too many people (usually women) who seem to think that them betraying their friends' secrets is a sign of some virtuous partner and love feeling smug about how they 'could never keep anything from DP'. They tend to be the people kept at arms length when it counts.

A friend was in a similar situation with someone I don't know. Friend was aware of cheating (didn't know the DP). Her approach was 'I don't agree with you friend. You are making bad choices. I will not cover you. I will not sit and listen to you pine after your married man. I will be your friend and WHEN this inevitably goes up in flames i will continue to be your friend'.
Once it all came out, she had said (without disclosing details) that ultimately she was being a friend and sometimes people maoe shit decisions.

I have to say, I respect her for that. It's an awkward situation but that's life.