Friend had affair and husband has just found out.

[blueselephant]

My friend has been having an affair and her husband had just found all the evidence of it.

Her DH is close friends with mine and has been confiding in him, they are both shocked as no one suspected, the thing is she told me about it and I've kept it secret.

I'm so lost as to what to do, should I tell my DH that I knew? He will be devastated that I kept it from him, and I'm not sure what will happen between us, we are working different shifts this weekend so I can't come clean until we get chance to sit down and talk about it.

My friend has been having a crisis for a while now, drinking way too much, being very chaotic and I just wanted to support her, I've always said that she needs to finish the affair and sort her marriage out but she was adamant that she was happy.

There is so much anger with her DH and they have a DS and a DD who want to stay with Dad and don't want to talk to their Mum, which is totally understandable.

I don't know any details about the man she's had the affair with so don't know if they'll get together now, what a mess, I wish I'd said something so many times and now it's too late but should I come clean that I knew or just keep quiet?

Your loyalty should have been to your DH before your cheating friend. If you'd been open, there wouldn't have been the potential for this to harm your relationship.

I agree.

I would expect my oh to fee like I’m lying to him if I listen to his upset on this without telling him, and he would be upset I hadn’t told him earlover. I’d feel the same way so the thing to do would be to get on the right path with my dh asap and tell him.

This sordid secret goes far beyond " keeping a confidence"

Sure friends tell me things that go no further.
That she has spent more on shoes than her husband thinks, about worries, concerns, her OH uses Viagra sometimes all stuff like that.

But having an affair is a different ball game.
It's a bomb waiting to go off.

And OP should have given this thought rather than adding to the deception.

Speakout it wasn't her mess, she didn't ask for it, if she'd tattled everyone would have had a go at her, it's a no win situation for OP.
Not her problem.
OP don't say a word.

KittenBeast

Telling her OH is not "tattling".

It's her husband FFS.

At least if he had known they could have decided how to handle it as a couple- and avoided a lot of wasted hours trying to counsel his friend.

OPs loyalties are misplaced.

Tell your DH in my opinion. Ultimately we can be friends with people and not like their choices.

You haven't encouraged the affair. You've not faciliated the affair.

You've made your feelings to your friend clear, but haven't betrayed her trust. Tell your DH you couldn't have told him without putting him in a worse situation than you were in (because he'd have to keep it from his friend).

Her decisions. Her mess.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

I would tell your DH that she had told you in confidence and that you had told her she needed to end it and speak to her DH. You felt she had put you in a very difficult position but telling him sooner would have put your DH in an even worse one as you would have had to tell him to keep it secret

This^

How long had you known - and how did your friend tell you? Is there any room for you saying that your friend had mentioned that she found someone attractive, but it was a bit ambiguous, and you didn't want to get involved. Nor involve your DH who may have ended up being the person telling his friend, which could have harmed their friendship.

Tell your DH you couldn't have told him without putting him in a worse situation than you were in (because he'd have to keep it from his friend).

But that should have been his choice to make.

Not the OPs.

Awful situation but personally, I would say what's shared in confidence is not yours to repeat...

...sounds like you gave good counsel to your friend and that's really all you could have done.

I would say what's shared in confidence is not yours to repeat...

How far does that extend?

branleuse I agree with you - also with springbluebells.

You can either keep a secret - or you can't. If you can't, then be upfront about that and not enjoying your role whilst crying 'foul' when it all goes tits up. Too many drama lovers out there.

Ok speakout, we get it, you like a gossip.

Not at all.

I keep confidences- but not prepared to cover up a ticking time bomb which could blow up at any point.

thats not really keeping a confidence then is it.

speakout
There is a difference between being aware of a secret and actively being involved correring something up.

A) Sally knows Tina is sleeping with Mark from accounts behind her husband's back. Sally thinks Tina is a bloody idiot who needs to get a grip ajd make better decisions and tells Tina her feelings on the matter. Sally keeps Tina's confidence as it's not her information to blab.

B) Sally knows Tina is sleeping with Mark from accounts behind her husband's back. When Tina is arranging a spa day with Mark, Sally covers for Tina by saying she's going with her for a girly day out. Sally acts as Tina's alibi and facilitates the affair.

The two are different.

as it's not her information to blab.

THis is not about "blabbing".

This is about being open with your husband,

I hardly see telling your husband something is "blabbing" or "gossiping"

@speakout Well, just that to be honest, if someone shares something in confidence then they have their reasons for doing so and it's not for me to judge or decide what they choose to do or not do next.

No don’t say anything to anybody, it will only cause problems for you anD your husband.

Information given in confidence isn't something that a spouse has a right to know. This information wasn't anything to do with the OP's husband, therefore telling him wasn't a question of loyalty to her husband since it isn't knowledge about his life being witheld in favour of the friend.
The OP advised her friend as best she could and in not sharing with her dh, he was also able to advise his own friend as best he could, without being in the awful position of knowing more about his friend's marriage than the friend himself.

Well, just that to be honest, if someone shares something in confidence then they have their reasons for doing so and it's not for me to judge or decide what they choose to do or not do next

This.

You need to protect your own marriage OP. I think you should not have kept this from your dh. Now that you did, you need to figure out the best way to look after your marriage. In my case, I’d confess.

You made the mistake of not telling your husband in the first place.

Just stop the lying now! You lied (by omission) preciously to protect your friend and keep the affair secret, what would be the point of continuing lying about it now? Just come clean, then at least your not doing some ridiculous faux shocked act around him whenever the subject comes up.

I wouldn’t personally be complicit in someone’s adultery.

You’ll tell your DH because if he finds out you knew via is mate/wife and that you neither told him nor confessed when it call came out, it will erode the trust between you.

If I found out my DH had covered up his mate’s infidelity to my friend I’d be livid.