Friend had affair and husband has just found out.

[blueselephant]

My friend has been having an affair and her husband had just found all the evidence of it.

Her DH is close friends with mine and has been confiding in him, they are both shocked as no one suspected, the thing is she told me about it and I've kept it secret.

I'm so lost as to what to do, should I tell my DH that I knew? He will be devastated that I kept it from him, and I'm not sure what will happen between us, we are working different shifts this weekend so I can't come clean until we get chance to sit down and talk about it.

My friend has been having a crisis for a while now, drinking way too much, being very chaotic and I just wanted to support her, I've always said that she needs to finish the affair and sort her marriage out but she was adamant that she was happy.

There is so much anger with her DH and they have a DS and a DD who want to stay with Dad and don't want to talk to their Mum, which is totally understandable.

I don't know any details about the man she's had the affair with so don't know if they'll get together now, what a mess, I wish I'd said something so many times and now it's too late but should I come clean that I knew or just keep quiet?

I think that if you are the sort of person who can't be told things without your husband knowing them then be clear about that to your friends so that they don't confide in you.

Regardless though, if you didn't mind not telling your husband before, OP, then you have no business doing it now. The only difference is that the game is up and the fat is in the fire. Does this mean that you will not now support your friend, even though nothing has materially changed? I'm guessing that she will need your support still, if not more than ever now? Tricky.

Don't say anything.

I really don't think you should tell all friends secrets to your husband or viceversa.

Well I'm sure he'll ask " did you know". And at that point you need to say "yes".
Because he needs to see that you can both respect a confidence AND be honest.
If your DH is upset that you didn't tell him then so be it. You didn't need him to share the burden of the someone else's secret.

But the OPs OH has been hoodwinked to an extent too.

Her DH is close friends with mine and has been confiding in him, they are both shocked as no one suspected

So OPs OH has been having lots of discussions with this man, who possibly has felt that his marriage is flailing, in need of support.
And maybe given ideas of how to rekindle things between the two.

In his ignorance may have suggested weekends away, romantic meals out, listening more, looking at his own behaviour etc, been a friend and trying to help.
All the while not knowing that this woman is shagging someone else.

And what's more his wife ( the OP ) knew about it.

When ( and not if) he finds out the OP knew but didn't tell him he will be pissed off.
And rightly so,

I agree with Samphire. I don't think it's bad you didn't tell your OH so far but I would tell him now. You can truthfully tell him that you were trying to persuade her to end it and come clean, and you didn't want to tell him or you were putting him in a horrible position.

He might be upset to begin with but if he's reasonable he'll understand that, and it will avoid you being in the position where you are having to cover it up forever. At some point he will likely ask you whether you knew/suspected anything and you don't want to have to tell a lie (or, at least, I wouldn't).

I'm sorry your friend put you in such a horrible position. She shouldn't have told you, knowing the position it would put you in, but I guess she was in a mess and didn't think about it.

Other people knew about my ex’s affair, including my brother in law. Other people also knew and didn’t tell me. My brother in law later confessed he knew about the affair and that he told his wife, both of them said it put a tremendous strain on their marriage about whether to tell me or not.

Eventually I found out myself and they told me they knew. Personally I didn’t hold it against them for not telling me, but everyone’s different I guess.

Just another example of how cheaters and cheating affect so many people with their selfish entitlement.

You can’t be blamed for the mess she’s created whatever you decide to do.

If your DH finds out that she had confided in you, tell your DH the truth:
The truth being that she confided in you. i.e in confidence. And painful as that confidence was you felt bound to keep her confidentiality, whilst urging her to end the affair and sort things out in a proper manner with her DH.

Do't pro-actively 'come clean' - respecting someone's confidence is just that. But don't lie about what you knew, didn't know etc. He doesn't deserve to be lied to any ore than anyone else in this sorry tale.

Take pride in your integrity in keeping a confidence.

would your dh not be ok with you keeping your friends confidence?

Keeping secret about an affair is not " keeping a confidence".

It is being complicit in a dirty little lie.

If the Op doesn't tell her DH then it could come back to seriously bite her in the arse.

Keep schtum.

I'd agree, mainly, speakout. I have told a good friend about her DPs hideously convoluted affairs.

But OP said she didn't know any details and was still in the trying to persuade her to come clean stage. I knew for a good 6 months, trying to persaude him to come clean.

Sometimes real life quandaries are more complicated, less black and white than an internet forum makes them seem to the uninvolved!

I agree with the poster about the fact that she told you in confidence. And if pushed, that is what you tell ypur DH.

I know many secrets, not all about infidelity obviously, that would cause issues if people's other halves knew. My take on it is that life is long ( hopefully) and people make mistakes. Also that my relationship with my friend's is separate from my DH's relationship with them.

I must be old fashioned.

I don't keep dirty little secrets like that for other people.

By doing so you are implicated in the deception.

Your dh might be surprised you knew and didn't say but he shouldn't be angry.

You are allowed to keep a confidence for a friend, you discouraged her. Also it would have been an awful position for dh if he knew and has to tell his friend.

Tell your dh now, at some point it will come out you know and that's awkward. But you had good reason not to tell him earlier.

I’d have to tell my DH. It’s one thing keeping your friends confidence and I think you were right to do so, it’s another to now pretend you didn’t know.

I don't think that's necessarily true, Speakout. That seems a very black/white way of looking at the world.

Blue in your shoes I would now tell my DH that I knew, and would say it's been horrible knowing and didn't want him to have to carry the knowledge that you've had to carry. You've done nothing wrong here. You respected her confidence and you urged her to do the right thing.

What a horrible situation.

Say you suspected something, but didn't want to worry anyone, or something like that.

speakout that's nice dear!

But maybe a tad intransigent!

If you'd told your h earlier, you'd have been betraying your friend's confidence and also putting your husband in the same awful position that you've been put in. He would have had to betray your trust and tell his friend or keep it secret too. You would both be caught between a rock and a hard place and your h should be grateful to you that you kept him out of it and protected him from having to make tough choices.

The real pita here is your friend - she has made this your problem and dumped you right in the middle of her shitstorm by making you complicit and effectively forcing you to bring it into your own marriage. I'd be bowing out of that friendship unless her h is an abusive arse!

If your dh doesn't understand what a hard position you were in, he is being a dick. You should tell him that you knew and that you were actively discouraging it, but he has no right to expect you to betray confidences.

I must admit I'm bemused why you didn't tell your DH if you think he'll view your silence and secrecy as a betrayal. Your loyalty should have been to your DH before your cheating friend. If you'd been open, there wouldn't have been the potential for this to harm your relationship.

iwanna- If you'd told your h earlier, you'd have been betraying your friend's confidence and also putting your husband in the same awful position that you've been put in. He would have had to betray your trust and tell his friend or keep it secret too.

But my relationship with my OH is more important than the relationship with my friends.
And ultimately that's the decision-

Which is more important?

I would tell your DH that she had told you in confidence and that you had told her she needed to end it and speak to her DH. You felt she had put you in a very difficult position but telling him sooner would have put your DH in an even worse one as you would have had to tell him to keep it secret.

I dont care if some randomer thinks im part of the deception.
I still know how to keep a secret.

I would say nothing now. If you were going to tell your dh the time has now passed. If he discusses it with you tell him you think your friend is a fool and it is really bad she has done this. Look as if you are sympathetic to your dh friend and shocked about his wife affair. Tell your dh you value your marriage and would not do this to him. It will all blow over in time. Your dh and his male friend may not think you should be supportive of your friend. If you support her you will have to be discrete to avoid upsetting your dh.