Gaslighting - is it intentional?

[AlwaysIroning]

Just discovered (via MN) the term gaslighting, my DH has been messing with my head for years, I had just put it down to his age + low IQ, but now starting to wonder if it's all a bit more sinister and manipulative. This is an example of what happened tonight (one of two incidents actually). Background: I was in a park carpark today, a young lady came into the carpark to find her car damaged by fire and what looked to be the charred remains of a vehicle next to her car.

Me: So that car that was damaged by fire in the car park today, I saw on Twitter that there was a massive car fire and the fire brigade came to put it out. I would have expected that the fire brigade would have taken the registration number of the lady’s car, passed it on to police so that they could inform her of what happened so she could inform her insurance company.
DH: Not necessarily, the reg plate was probably burned out.
Me: No it wasn’t, I saw it.
DH: But you said it was completely burned out.
Me: No, that was the other car, the car I’m talking about was next to it and damaged by the fire.
DH: But you were talking about the burned out car.
Me: No I wasn’t, I was talking about the damaged car.
DH: But you didn’t make that clear.
Me: I told you that there was nothing left of the burned out car, it’s the car that was damaged that I’m concerned about.
DH: You were talking about the burned out car.
Me: (increasingly frustrated but not raising my voice) No I wasn’t, my concern was with the woman who returned to her car to find it damaged by fire, if that happened to me I would expect that the fire brigade would have passed on details to the police so that they could contact me with all the information I need to inform my insurance company.
DH: Was there a crime committed?
Me: Well I don’t know what happened.
DH: But you said there was a crime committed.
Me: No I didn’t.
DH: You said the police should be involved therefore a crime was committed.
Me: No I didn’t, I said that the fire brigade could have informed the police so that the owner of the damaged vehicle was made aware and she could call her insurers with full details. That is what I would expect if I was the owner of the vehicle.
DH: If it was a shed that set on fire and damaged the vehicle, would you seek to sue the owner of the shed?
Me: Well, I would expect someone to inform me about the damage to my vehicle caused by a fire that wasn’t anything to do with me and if the fire brigade attended then I would expect them to inform the relevant authorities.
DH: You’re saying a crime has been committed, but what crime has been committed? You’re supposed to be a lawyer!
Me: I never said that. (Walks out of room calmly - no voice raised at any point)
DH: (Follows me out) You’re having a go at me, I’m agreeing with you, what’s your problem?
Me: No problem.
DH: Look, sorry if I’ve upset you, you’re overreacting, I was agreeing with you, I don’t see what your problem is.
Me: I’m fine. I was just trying to have a conversation with you.
DH: Well what are you having a go at me for then? I was trying to have a conversation with you too. I was agreeing with you and then you get all aggressive with me.

•NB AT NO POINT DID I GET AGGRESSIVE

Is he intentionally messing with my head or what?

Sounds like gaslighting to me. It's designed to make you feel incompetent and insane. It's a deliberate act. If not, he's being an argumentative arsewipe and it must be exhausting to live with.

Wow, all the responses, much appreciated, lots to digest. Some things have happened since my original post. Later on that night, not long after my post, DH came downstairs and had a go at me for not being in bed and for having had some wine. I told him (v calmly) I was anxious because of the previous 2 incidents with him that evening, plus I’d had a tearful voicemail message from my mum asking me to call her (she hasn’t called me for 2 years, so it made me really anxious and I didn’t know what to expect). He immediately reacted by going tilt and saying how dare I blame him and my mum for me being irresponsible and drinking wine and not getting enough sleep. I didn’t take the bait, I didn’t react.

We haven’t spoken since, except that tonight I went to drop my son off at his swimming club as per usual. DH had told me over a week ago he was going out tonight at 7pm, so I expected him to be gone by the time I got back at just after 7pm. DD is 12 and v responsible so ok to be on her own for a short time. I got back and the door was double locked - I got in and called up to DD, no response. I ran up to her bedroom and her phone was on her bed, her lights were on and her ipad was playing music so I was in a complete fucking panic! I called DH and asked if he knew where DD was and he said “Why?”. So I told him I’d got home and I knew he was going out at 7pm and she wasn’t there and her lights were on and her music was blaring and her phone was on her bed. He said “She’s here.” So I said “Where’s here?” And he said “Up the road. What’s the drama? Would you like to speak to her?” I said no, as long as she’s safe, I don’t want to drag her into our drama. Turns out (after speaking to DD once she was back) they’d gone for a walk and he didn’t go out as planned. Fucking fuming at his games.

He's very contemptuous of you isn't he? Marriages don't tend to be able to survive contempt.

He really really hates you.

What's that like as the background to your life?

It isn't games

It is repeated deliberate attacks on you.

Attacks not games.

How you aren't kicking his feckin' arse is beyond me.
He sounds like he truly hates you and just loves to wind you up.
Honestly... life is way toooo short for this kind of shit.
But well done for keeping it together.

Why can't you drink wine of an evening???
Very confused with that.

I have a friend exactly like this! Every time I tell some story or anecdote there is an endless amount of questioning and "but you said...". She is lovely so I've learned to just shrug my shoulders and say "I don't know, sorry". She is definitely not trying to gaslight me, she just questions everything ad infinitum.

Your DH doesn't sound like fun in general though.

It sounds like living with someone whose only objective in the relationship is to undermine and torment you. It will make you ill if you stay with him.

He must have deep seated envy and resentment towards you - festering away, manifesting in every little exchange. Ugh. Free yourself!

I had an XBF that would do this. Question and nitpick every little thing until I didn't know which way was up. In his case it was a power play, to make himself feel in control of every conversation.

But he was an all round dick too. It must be like living in the Monty Python sketch 'Is this the five minute argument, or do you want the full half hour?'

Personally I would have got about four sentences into the conversation then I would have ended it I don’t have much tolerance.

He's certainly something OP. I'd be recording every conversation from now on, on my phone, just for peace of mind

But even that would get tiring pretty quick!

Sorry, but he hates you and wants to be as nasty to you as possible.

It can't be good for you or your dd to live in this situation.

Oh my this takes me back. My exH used to pull crap like this. He disappeared with toddler DS1 at a country fair. He said he'd wait at the entrance to the craft tent with DS1 while I paid for a nameplate for DSs door. Took me an hour to find them - he'd turned his phone off.

He smirked when I caught up with him and I burst into tears. Apparently this was evidence of my fragile emotional state. Nob.

We're divorced now, he's in another country making some other poor woman miserable (eg took DCs on a a weeks holiday with his mate while she stayed home to "clean"). DCs and I couldn't be happier.

For the sake of your mental health you need to get out of this situation. Your DH is a utter nob too.

Yep my ex would pull shit like this too and then when I had any kind of legitimate feelings of upset or anger it was because I was 'crazy'.
I couldn't live like that again. It's hell.

Sounds like I guy I was with for 8 months. I genuinely feel sorry for the woman he cheated on me with. They have a kid together so she'll never really be rid when he does the same to her.

I called DH and asked if he knew where DD was and he said “Why?”

This is just a flashback to my life 2 years ago. He is deliberately trying to goad you.I didn't know what I was dealing with other than it was crazy making, exhausting and stressful.
The comment about making you ill is correct as you will be in a constant state of anxiety.

I suspect ex is covert NPD but I couldn't see it when we lived together as I lost all sense of normal.It's only when ex was out of the picture did I realise how bizarre his behaviour was.

This isn't about you (although it feels as if he hates you) it is about his emotions and his inability to express negative emotions healthily.Most of what he is saying will be projection.

His behaviour is very difficult to respond to, the situation with DD should have been
"She is with me", not "Why?".
"Why" puts him in a position of interrogator whereas a normal husband's response would be reassuring.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this as its truly awful, made worse because its so insidious and from the outside most people won't be aware.
Is your H different around others?

OP, I'll give you an alibi...

To provide a little more context - I lost my job a year or so ago, it was quite a traumatic event for me as I’d been at the company for 8 years, had really good relationships (including the head of department and all my direct managers during that time), all was well, then a new manager came in who instantly undermined me from day one and it got really horrible and I ended up going down the grievance route which ended in agreeing a severance. It really knocked me for six because I’ve always been a workaholic and given my all, so my confidence was shaken and I felt really betrayed and let down by all the people who knew me and with whom I'd built strong relationships with over the 8 years, particularly the head of department. So whilst I ended up with a decent severance payment, my confidence and outlook on the world was completely shot. I got depressed, I had no structure to my life, I’d always been the professional woman, I was the main breadwinner, and now I was unemployed and feeling hopeless. And that’s when DH’s vitriol started. When I most needed his support, he started to undermine and belittle me. He’d criticise me for every little thing. Which in turn made me feel more shit about myself, more depressed, less confident, so less confident about finding a new job. Before I lost my job we were ok, since then he’s been an absolute twat. FYI I’m not financially dependent on him, I’m still (just about) living on my severance, so that’s not an excuse for him. But I am running out of ££ to support myself, his kicks keep knocking me back into depression which makes it hard to find the confidence to look for work. And it obviously puts me in a not very great position to exit the relationship. The thought of being free from him is blissful, but without a job, without the funds - I feel completely trapped. Plus 2 kids - 16 & 12. I’m an educated, professional, independent woman and it makes me feel so sick that I find myself feeling completely trapped in a relationship with someone who hates me, yet no clear way out.

I keep saying to him, if you had a friend with a broken leg would you keep stamping on it and expect him to get better? That's the equivalent of what he's doing to me, my head, my MH, my confidence. But he just doesn't/won't/can't see it.

I was treated in a similar manner by my ex when I was out of work. I was actually his mother's carer at the time. After a traumatic separation I pulled myself together and now have a better job than I ever had in all the time I was with him. I am not drained by his never ending vitriol and I have been able to focus on my children and my career. It wasn't easy and initially I lacked confidence however after two promotions in 18 months I am back on track and have faith in myself.

Plenty of support on here to confirm that he has a problem. It's hateful behaviour whether it's to boost himself or to knock you down, you don't need it. Well done for not retaliating. I suggest that you focus on yourself and building up self confidence to get back in the workplace -on any level not necessarily your profession. That way your self esteem will grow and you will feel more able to leave, although I wouldn't give him much warning of this.

Sometimes the awareness and acceptance can themselves be a big help to recovering self-esteem.

When I realised my mother was a great big putting down machine, it got easier, helping me find the strength to get away. You can detach and observe, like you were watching him do this shit on some weird reality TV show.

When he starts, immediately think "What are you going to do now you weirdo? I'm remembering it all for Mumsnet. My god those women will have some rude names for you, you twat!"

That said, you already know how to get your self-esteem back: get a good job. You know the mechanics of how to do that. Get on and do it even if you feel scared and a bit shit. Just do it. Keep it a secret so he can't undermine it.

Maybe even spend a little bit of money on a couple of job applications support sessions with a coach if you are completely frozen and need support.

I keep saying to him, if you had a friend with a broken leg would you keep stamping on it and expect him to get better? That's the equivalent of what he's doing to me, my head, my MH, my confidence. But he just doesn't/won't/can't see it.

Can I use the same approach with you?

In the title of your OP you ask if he's doing this intentionally. Why does it matter whst his motivation is or if he even realises the impact he's having on you? The simple fact is he's treating you with absolutely vile contempt and your self-esteem is being ground down to zero. Stop worrying about the whys and wherefores. If a dog was biting you, you wouldn't stand there pondering why and continuing to let it maul you. You would give it a bloody good kick and run away as fast as your legs could carry you.

I am an avid reader of the relationships board but don’t often post but my God your DH has given me the rage. How you are living with his behaviour on a daily basis is a mystery to me.
There a thread on here by a poster whose DH has cheated & she is planning to leave. I suggest you read it & start doing the same . It is totally empowering. I am no good at links but it is called “My DH sent me a photo by mistake”.
Good luck