Partner left us, dont know what to do

[Changingoftheguard]

My partner of 8 years has left me and my 2 dc. He left about a week ago, I really cant remember, everything is such a blur. He told me he didn't love me in the same way as before.

I know in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit** at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him. That's inexcusable and if a man said that I feel I would be told to leave him, hes no good and doesn't respect me. In all honestly I know I have my issues.

We had 2 dc really close together, whilst on mat leave I went back into education, this was discussed between us and honestly I just wanted to make sure I have a career for my family but in the process I feel like I've lost my family. I was still nursing my youngest, expressing in the toilets, coming home to prepare tea, keeping on top of the house, washing clothes, I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

I barely got a sleep in and was crying out for support. I think and know as he told me he felt last in the pecking order and hated his life but he was my everything. He is such a good, loving, kind, decent man. I cant believe Ive lost him, I don't know how to go on. We agreed to sell the house, now hes thinking about keeping it on.

He cant bear to look at me and I'm dying inside every time I see him. I just keep thinking, why didn't we make a change knowing we were both so unhappy, I guess I didn't truly know how unhappy I was making him, wearing him down.

I have a good heart and when I had my children my priorities changed. I just don't know how we move forward, I change from feeling positive to feeling like I cant go on within a second. I'm so lost and confused.

How do I move on, I imagined us retiring and growing old together, our children growing up with parents who were together. I feel so uncertain and scared

There’s a reason he left - and it might have nothing to do with you. I suggest getting angry if that makes you feel stronger. Well, that’s what works for me.

I felt angry earlier but then felt like rubbish again and like Id let myself down, I don't know how to process it all.

Unless you were abusive with him, he should’ve reached out to you to try to fix things way before he put you in front of a closed door. That’s what a partner does. He has zero excuse for that.

That's exactly what hes done. Its like I don't even know who he is, my heart is shattered. The thing is we were still were intimate, especially considering we have 2 young dc, if he knew his feeling were changing why didn't he tell me, why was he still sleeping with me.

Hes always held his cards close to his chest but when it came to us and our family I thought we would concur anything, absolute fool

I'm sorry but the previous responses are doing the usual blame the man.

in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him

There's your answer.

I'd leave if my DH told me he didn't love me too.

was crying out for support
A lot of men don't get this. They need it spelt out.

why didn't we make a change knowing we were both so unhappy

People will take so much before they've had enough and I suspect you didn't think he'd leave...possibly because of the kids.

Sometimes you don't realise what you've got till it's gone.

It sounds like he's been beaten down from it.

Ask yourself this honestly? If your brother (hypothetically) had a GF who behaved as you've done...would you encourage him to stay in the relationship?

I should have never said and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

This is the thing, I sat him down and asked him for help, told him it was a struggle juggling everything, he promised he would start chipping in. I would come down in the morning with the kids and he'd hide the dirty washing or toys instead of just putting them away.

I always said I know how stressful work is so he had his sleep in, he had tea cooked for coming home, I encouraged him to go to visit his friends. I was so lonely. We moved to his area where I have no one, I just cant believe this is how it has ended.

There's so many what ifs but it is what it is. All communication has been lost, need to pull myself together and I know it will get better I just don't when.

When I mentioned the dirty clothes and things, hed laugh about it and say it wasn't a big deal, he does still say that. Maybe in the grand scheme of things they aren't a big deal but it helped me out! Silly things like that are a big help

Maybe we were just not compatible after all, I don't know.

I totally understand how a partner being unhelpful with children and household chores can be. It makes you feel very resentful towards them.

I've felt resentful in the past myself and I'm sure if I'd said some of the the things on my mind in relation to how I felt towards my DH, we probably wouldn't be together now.

I felt that so much of the primary care fell to me even though I also worked.

Communication is everything in these situations. I know that sounds obvious, but it's more about how you communicate. When you're angry about something it will reflect in how you communicate and in turn affect how the message is received.

It's really hard to do. Much of what I know now I didn't know when my DC were younger.

All I would say now is look after yourself in every sense of the word. Look after and enjoy your DC. Ensure that he spends a good amount of time with them in order to give you some time to yourself, so he can see how difficult it can be and also to have a good relationship with his DC.

Be the best version of yourself and look forwards.

If it were me I'dprobably write something like..

"Im sad/heartbroken it's come to this and wish we could have worked on us when we had the chance. I very much regret saying/doing xyz and I love you"

I have said that to him, hes well and truly checked out theres nothing I can do about it but its a struggle communicating.

I just hope it isn't always like this.

I honestly wouldn't make any big decisions right now, or beg him to come back. You've been given a chance to have a break from the relationship and honestly, that's a gift.

Your feelings will change s lot in the next couple of months. Please try to just ride things out. Wait to see how you feel in a few weeks.

My DH1 and I split up and I was in pieces for weeks, even though we'd been rowing non-stop and miserable for several years. I wasted months wishing he'd come back. As soon as I gave up hope, everything got better.

We never got back together (which will sound like your worst nightmare right now, I understand) but honestly I'm so happy that we didn't. I discovered I'd been unhappy with him in a million tiny ways, that had made me feel lost and alone and upset every day of our marriage.

Please just accept that you are strapped into an emotional rollercoaster now and will be for the next few weeks. Ride it out - don't react to any particular feeling, try to simply observe it all.

You'll finally land somewhere you never expected. Either back together with him or happily single.

You'll be ok. This is the hard bit.

As Churchill said: When you're going through Hell, keep going.

He told me he didn't love me in the same way as before
Look out for OW. There will be one somewhere lurking in the background.

Right now though, you need to get practical.
What's the situation with the house?
Is it mortgaged in both your names?
Can he afford to buy you out?
How much equity is in it.
If not then it will have to be sold.
Get a few estate agents round to value it for you.

Where do you want to live?
You've moved away. Do you have family and friends somewhere else that you could move back to for some support?

Do you know what he earns?
Have you agreed on what he should pay you in maintenance for the DC?
Think about access for DC.
He will need to do his fair share as their father.
Maybe 1 or 2 evenings a week and every other weekend?
Get a plan in place ASAP so you DC get into a rountine quickly.

Do you know what you are entitled to - if anything?
Child benefit, tax credits, housing, etc....
Look into that.

Get all important paperwork together.
Passports, birth certificates, account info, savings info, mortgage info.
You will need your marriage certificate to get a divorce.
Anything on him, i.e. wage slips, any assets i.e. cars, or bigger purchases.
Any holidays booked? If so look into cancelling or getting someone else to go with you.

Look at local solicitors in your area.
Some may offer a free half hour.
If they do, see as many as you can.
See which one you feel most comfortable with and take it from there.

There is a lot to keep your mind off of things in the short term.
But you will need some real life support.

for you at this totally shitty time!

That's exactly how Ive described what it is to him, I'm going through hell. I feel sad for the children, sad for making him sad, sad for everyone. Things like knowing we didn't even make it until the youngest was one. I know she wont remember and the children will be fine and are loved but it makes me sad.

He comes round when he can to still see the children and its hard, most of the time I leave when he arrives, its like the unsaid agreement but even that, I don't know if that's the right thing to do for the children.

I'm due back at work soon, only short term before I start full time education and I don't know how to function and face everything but I have been doing it and know I will continue to, everything is just a big mess.

Thanks for your kind words, like I said I know I have my faults, I never want anyone to speak badly of him as hes a good person and amazing dad, I just wish there had been communication before we got to this point, I tried but it was and is like pulling teeth.

The house has been valued, I don't know what to do. This is their home but practically I don't think we can stay, he said he'll pay for as long as we want and need but realistically that wont always be possible, what about when he meets someone or wants to get his own place again. The children will be older and it will be harder to uproot them. I don't think he will be able to afford it on his own either and even the thought of him staying, knowing this was our home cuts me up but I know its not just about me, its everyone.

I just don't know if any decision I'm making is the right one.

Ive asked him if there is anyone and hes categorically promised there isn't, I'm not 100% convinced though, I feel it in my heart there is.

I'm trying to be practical but its hard when I'm emotional, I don't know if the decisions I'm making are the right ones.

My family don't live in the area, its not too far but we were going to sell the house and I move back close to them, we use my family for childcare so it makes sense too but now hes said he might keep it. He cant afford to buy me out so spoke about getting a loan but I don't know what he wants. If he does that he'll be pretty skint, I know what he earns and it would be a struggle keeping the house & paying maintaince.

I said I would be totally fair with maintaince but we would need help off him.

Stop being so hard on yourself, you told him you did not love him on two occasions but your actions say different, and, we've all said nasty things to our partners, especially when exhausted and getting ZERO help of them with their OWN family; he checked out OP, by his unhelpfulness, unsupportiveness and blatant disregard for all you were doing.

You can't say he left because of a few nasty words; he left because he didn't want to try, he never even gave that a chance, I'd also suspect OW.

Crap dad btw, walking out with little effort.

You sound pretty amazing to me OP.

You need some legal advice regarding the house.
If he cannot afford to buy you out then you have sell.
You can be 'fair' with maintenance but make sure you get what he should be paying.
There is a calculator HERE
Don't let him off lightly.
There will be OW and then you can find your anger.
Have you put child access arrangements in place yet?
He doesn't just to get to walk away from all of this.
He has to do his fair share and pay his fair share.

Keep going out when he comes to see the children. He needs to know what it's like as a single dad.

There may well be someone else...but when a relationship is in a bad state its very normal to check out.

I will be straight because just blaming the other person isn't helpful and won't give you development and awareness for future relationships.

There was a recent thread in which the woman said she didn't love her DH...she was seeing another man and the marriage was in a bad state before that.

The majority said she should leave...no point being unhappy if she couldn't bear her husband touching her.

Now because it's your DP as the man leaving.... the view is it's all his fault...Nobody leaves because of a few nasty words.
Actually they do. Not everybody is the same.

Some women leave after one incident of violence...others take regular beatings and still stay.

Bottom line is that he left because he wasn't happy. If you had come on here saying you were not happy and your OH said he didn't love you...the responses would be LTB.

Objectivity is essential when it's comes to relationships. If you only ever see one point of view you'll end up eith the same results.

I am in no way saying it was all your fault.... but acknowledgement of your part will help in how to navigate future relationships.

Sandy, you honestly think a person would walk out on his wife and two small kids over nasty words; seem a bit OTT to me, obviously there's more to it. Don't really see the correlation between beatings and words said in anger/exhaustion etc.

I get he left due to not being happy but he still have a massive obligation to provide for his children and do his fair share of child rearing, too many men walk away and society shrugs; if a woman does it, my god she hears about it.

All the blame is on me, he blames me for it all and I feel guilty doing this to our family. I feel like hes always wanted the good life and now hes got it. Hes staying with family where he has washing done, tea cooked, no waking up through the night with the youngest.

He says hes sad but hes so cold towards me. He said its not the responsibility as he would stay in the house with the children and no me if that was possible.

He looked me in the eye and promised there was no one else, I even asked if someone had just gotten into his head, if he was chatting etc... & he promised. I asked him to tell me the truth so I can grieve in one go rather than find out later & go through more, everything comes out in the end, I asked him to give me that as he would want his daughters to be told the truth if heaven forbid they go through this and he swore there's no one.

Ive asked how he can just give up at the first hurdle, we have a life, house, children and that's why I have a niggle theres someone else or maybe you do just wake up one day and realise you don't love someone the same way you once did. I would have fought tooth and nail to make it work which he knows but its like he actually just simply doesn't care.

I cant pretend not to care. I just keep telling myself everything will work out in the end but I feel like I'll never meet anyone like him and he knows it to, hes previously said it himself.

It's not just the words...it's the whole situation. If you don't feel loved...then you're told you're not loved...that can change how you on turn feel and make you believe the words are true.

But people seem to be ignoring the OPs own words

I know in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him. That's inexcusable and if a man said that I feel I would be told to leave him, hes no good and doesn't respect me. In all honestly I know I have my issues.

At no point have I said he should not care for his children....but how else do you leave a relationship without walking away. Clearly custody needs to be sorted out as well as maintenance.

My reference to DV...was that a few nasty words are enough for SOME people to leave.

Others will take nasty words and more. We're all different.

If my DH said he didn't love me...I would be ending our marriage.

Your absolutely right, I genuinely don't just want to hear what will make me feel better. I need straight talking.

I just cannot get around my head around it, honestly we were so loving, everyone is flabbergasted, we were always so affectionate and it was genuine, well for me I know for sure it was. Its like it changed in a split second, I believe that if he knew things were changing he would have fought for it!

I don't understand how someone can just check out so quickly.

Yeah a lot of men who walk out blame the partner, makes it easier for them to walk away.

He's not some God OP, and you will meet someone else in the future, you are young and have plenty to offer; please stop taking all the blame, it does not sound like he even tried, in fact, it sounds like he is blaming you as an excuse to fuck off out of his responsibilities.

I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall, hed promise to help and wouldn't. He'd sleep in late on days off, if the children were going to families for childcare, he would drop them off hours before the agreed time so he could come home and do whatever it is he wanted to do.

I'm in no way justifying what I said, I honestly know its disgusting. I apologised from the bottom of my heart to him afterwards and explained I was feeling overwhelmed with everything and he's not doing his fair share. I cant even think it was money as I made sure I saved enough to cover half of the bills whilst I'm off plus the money we pay for childcare, I'm really not an unreasonable monster.

If my DH said he didn't love me...I would be ending our marriage.

Really, if it was said in anger/frustration/exhaustion - wow.

It's pretty obvious the OP does love him.

OP, sorry but it sounds to me like he wanted an excuse to check out; he was zero help with his own children and has thought nothing of just now walking away.

OP, look to actions, not words, his actions are pretty horrible.

I’m in the same position. There’s two facts I do know.
They don’t love us.
They don’t care enough to try.

Don’t let him crumble you with guilt like mine has done to me. Have some self respect and realise there is someone out there for you who will love you unconditionally. It’s not him.
Sorry to be blunt but everything always works out in the end and it will for you and your little family, without him.