Partner left us, dont know what to do

[Changingoftheguard]

My partner of 8 years has left me and my 2 dc. He left about a week ago, I really cant remember, everything is such a blur. He told me he didn't love me in the same way as before.

I know in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit** at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him. That's inexcusable and if a man said that I feel I would be told to leave him, hes no good and doesn't respect me. In all honestly I know I have my issues.

We had 2 dc really close together, whilst on mat leave I went back into education, this was discussed between us and honestly I just wanted to make sure I have a career for my family but in the process I feel like I've lost my family. I was still nursing my youngest, expressing in the toilets, coming home to prepare tea, keeping on top of the house, washing clothes, I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

I barely got a sleep in and was crying out for support. I think and know as he told me he felt last in the pecking order and hated his life but he was my everything. He is such a good, loving, kind, decent man. I cant believe Ive lost him, I don't know how to go on. We agreed to sell the house, now hes thinking about keeping it on.

He cant bear to look at me and I'm dying inside every time I see him. I just keep thinking, why didn't we make a change knowing we were both so unhappy, I guess I didn't truly know how unhappy I was making him, wearing him down.

I have a good heart and when I had my children my priorities changed. I just don't know how we move forward, I change from feeling positive to feeling like I cant go on within a second. I'm so lost and confused.

How do I move on, I imagined us retiring and growing old together, our children growing up with parents who were together. I feel so uncertain and scared

@MMmomDD whilst we were broken up, apparently. I don’t believe a word he says though.

OP - it’s hard to tell from your short post what is actually going on.

In my book - if he left because he was having doubts about the relationship - then he was free to date whoever.
If after that, he realised that he’s made a mistake - and he wanted to try again - why not....

Don’t know if you had a specific conversation about whether there was dating while you weren’t together....
And even if there was - I can see how the party already feeling bad for leaving would not be forthcoming with that info....

But main point is - I do think it’s different whether it was an affair before he left, or his ‘looking around’ phase after.

Since she wrote to you - why not ask her?

There nearly always is when a man leaves .....

At least now you've some closure - it wasn't you

@lifebegins50 😢 I’ve said this to him. He said he just didn’t want to hurt me more at the time.

I can’t beliee he looked me in the eye and swore there was no one. People were telling me it’s likely there was another woman, no man just leaves his partner and dc but after speaking to him I was adamant there wasn’t.

I honestly can’t believe how textbook his story is. All I’ve done is cry and scream.

I'm confused.

You say he has left you and your two children. But they are his children too?

And then you go on to say that he is seeing the children whenever he can.

So which is it? Has he up and left the children, or has he just left you?

Is op Rancakeroyal now?

So sorry he had someone all along

Wow you really have put this entitled manchild on a pedestal haven't you. Of course it's all your fault, that makes it easier for cowards to do act cowardly.

The truth is he wasn't a great H and tine will tell if he's a great father but you will cling to the 'good man' line to avoid the devastating reality, that he wasn't all that.

Get through the next couple of weeks one day at a time and remember that this 'good man' has and will never take responsibility for his actions and when convenient, will throw you under the bus. He isn't and never was your best friend because a best friend would never let a friend knowingly struggle and he did.

Hopefully the anger will surface and the pedestal you put him on will break.

He is a coward and didn't want to lose his nice guy image .
It will be painful but you will recover.

Do you have family?

@MMmomDD

We broke up, i suppose you could say it was inevitable. He wasn’t really helping with the dc and I was struggling.

Apparently he got with her a week after we split. I said they must have obviously been chatting beforehand, his response is they were, just not “like that”.

I had a feeling there was someone and he swore, he promised there wasn’t. He’s now saying he lied as he didn’t want to cause me anymore pain.

There’s a lot more to it but basically one night we started talking like we hadn’t in a long time. A lot came out on both sides, we both cried until early hours.

He said it was at that point he realised he’d made a huge mistake. He tried to end it with her but she wasn’t having any of it (I’ve seen messages which show this).

The thing that hurts is, we agreed to try start again, small steps but I’ve found out he slept with her during this time. He’s saying he had to go back as she threatened to kill herself.

He said he was so caught up in the lies, he told her he didn’t want her and she said she would tell me. He said he slept with her because he thought and hoped she would just get sick of him and just go.

She continued to threaten him and last night she did it. She sent the message.

@bigchris sorry yeah namechanged. I’ve wrote seeking advice on so many things lately.

People please advise I’m so confused

OP - it’s hard to know what went on in your relationship. Clearly things weren’t right at some point.
And so he left.
I don’t know - but it’s entirely possible that he left because things were bad, and you did tell him you didn’t love him.
If he left FOR her - he’d have moved in with her, i presume, and there won’t be the back/forth...

I get it that this new info makes it hard - but - I presume - it was a highly confusing time and hard for all involved....

For what it’s worth - it does seem like there is still something that the two of you have, that can be saved.
But - I do think you’ll need to go to couselling and really talk. Not only about what went on recently, but also about your relationship and all the issues before.

Things were bad, really bad. I can’t blame him for being with her at the beginning but it’s the continuous lies and the fact he slept with her when we were trying to make a go.

She told me he was living with her, I don’t think he was actually living there, in fact I’m almost certain. I think he spent some time there for sure and this is what he’s saying.

She had been so vindictive in the message, I haven’t replied though, I don’t have the energy. She’s really tried cutting deep. I can kind of understand, she’s wanting to hurt him as much as she’s can and I can’t really blame her.

As far as she’s concerned she was taken for a ride. He said he told her he didn’t want a relationship but man has she tried to hurt me.

Look - there are many reasons why you can be angry and hurt...
And same for him - he will forever remember you saying you don’t love him...

You can call it a day. Any time.
Today, tomorrow, in the future.

Or you can try to rebuild.

What would you like to do?

I love him. I want to keep the family together and work through this. I just don’t know if deep down I can.

I feel so much betrayal. The lies, the image of them. It hurts so much but I love him just as much

I feel like a fool for even considering it but we still love each other. He said it was the biggest mistake and regret of his life. We have dc together.

At the moment I’m just to heartbroken

Sandy, you honestly think a person would walk out on his wife and two small kids over nasty words; seem a bit OTT to me, obviously there's more to it

According to my ex, he stopped loving me because l told him l didn't find him attractive as he now weighed 22 stone.

It affected him so much that was why he left for OW 8 years later....

@Rancakeroyal

Take a breath.
And take it a day at a time.

It’s your life and you are not a fool.
Many people deal with affairs discovered during marriage, and manage to rebuild.
And some - don’t.

But it doesn’t matter what others think - only what you want to do.

I do think you need to talk to someone. Individually and as a couple.

OP I wanted to post. It's not all your fault. A partnership takes 2. He's walked out and not bothered. I'm fed up of men who just can't be arsed. At least you have some space to yourself now and might be able to feel more relaxed and happier