Partner left us, dont know what to do

[Changingoftheguard]

My partner of 8 years has left me and my 2 dc. He left about a week ago, I really cant remember, everything is such a blur. He told me he didn't love me in the same way as before.

I know in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit** at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him. That's inexcusable and if a man said that I feel I would be told to leave him, hes no good and doesn't respect me. In all honestly I know I have my issues.

We had 2 dc really close together, whilst on mat leave I went back into education, this was discussed between us and honestly I just wanted to make sure I have a career for my family but in the process I feel like I've lost my family. I was still nursing my youngest, expressing in the toilets, coming home to prepare tea, keeping on top of the house, washing clothes, I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

I barely got a sleep in and was crying out for support. I think and know as he told me he felt last in the pecking order and hated his life but he was my everything. He is such a good, loving, kind, decent man. I cant believe Ive lost him, I don't know how to go on. We agreed to sell the house, now hes thinking about keeping it on.

He cant bear to look at me and I'm dying inside every time I see him. I just keep thinking, why didn't we make a change knowing we were both so unhappy, I guess I didn't truly know how unhappy I was making him, wearing him down.

I have a good heart and when I had my children my priorities changed. I just don't know how we move forward, I change from feeling positive to feeling like I cant go on within a second. I'm so lost and confused.

How do I move on, I imagined us retiring and growing old together, our children growing up with parents who were together. I feel so uncertain and scared

I think your right, its just really hard admitting it. I feel like I'm sure most do in this situation, I thought we had something special.

I then start feeling angry. He always said he would never want or let our children move to the area that we are now going to have to. Hes done a complete U-turn, he says he has no choice which I suppose is true, I wont leave the children, he wont stay, there is no other choice and I wouldn't want to stay with someone because they felt pity.

I need to accept this is it. Its hard but I'm not going to get upset when he arrives later to see the children.

Thank you falling and sorry to hear your in the same position, its soul destroying. I know your right with the 2 points but its hard to accept, I know I will in time.

I wish you all the best I really do, I suppose its not the end of the world... Even though it feels like it.

I feel like I'll never meet anyone like him and he knows it to, hes previously said it himself
This is a huge red flag.
He's basically putting you down, tell you, you can't do any better than him.
A lot of abusers say things like this and it's not nice.

Thing is - it is the end of your world - as you know it now.
It's a lot to take in.
Lean on friends and family as much as you can now.

You need legal advice now. It'll help you make some decisions.

Are you married?

And please stop blaming yourself. You said some angry stuff, but you're not the one who walked away.

It is the end of our world as we knew it, we stuck with them through thick and thin and then one day they decide to leave and not come back.
But, it’s not the end of the world. It can’t be, because we both have beautiful DC who need us to be strong when their fathers are being so very weak.
When it rains it pours, but there’s always light at the end of it all. Always.
I’m still trying to accept, I’m extremely bitter at the moment but I hope this will pass as everyone keeps saying.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself

Adora if my DH said he didn't love me and his behaviour matched that, then I would believe he meant it and make plans to end things.

In this case her OH said he felt last in the pecking order...so for him...the words matched her actions.

he'd promise to help and wouldn't. He'd sleep in late on days off, if the children were going to families for childcare, he would drop them off hours before the agreed time so he could come home and do whatever it is he wanted to do.

This here is very likely the kind of thing that annoyed you and rightly so. He wasn't pulling his weight with the kids.

Him hiding would dirty clothes as Well! ..that behaviour would annoy anyone. In turn it would have affected how you interacted with him., because it's only natural.

The feeling that you're a single parent when you have a partner can make you very resentful. There were times I felt lumbered with my DC and it made me angry my life had changed much more than DHs after having kids... I've no doubt I wasn't very loving towards him at the time ...and I felt justified in not being loving...because of his lack of pulling his finger out....but from his perspective he right to say he wasn't happy...it can be a vicious circle.

OP - It takes 2 to work on a relationship. Children can put pressure on a relationship.

• You had 2 DC close together
• You were working pt
• You were studying.

You had an awful lot on your plate and that would test the best of relationships. I can only imagine how stressful it is/was.

So please understand that I'm not saying the relationship breakdown is all your fault. Not at all.

It's all your fault? Bullshit. Sounds like he did nothing in the house and with his kids. No wonder you said you didn't love him. My guess is he will soon introduce someone he 'just met'.

Adora if my DH said he didn't love me and his behaviour matched that, then I would believe he meant it and make plans to end things.

Fully agree but I do not believe the OP's actions did match her words, she said it out of sheer exhaustion, frustration and anger, because he has done FA to help raise his family.

Sorry but I'd challenge any decent woman raising two kids not to react to a man that was doing what he was doing; the poor woman was exhausted and no wonder; under that amount of strain, you'd be likely to say anything to hit back.

I'd find it hard to say I love you to a man that was this:

*I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

I barely got a sleep in and was crying out for support.*

Sandy, your advice is 100% spot on but not in this case; his actions are actually disgusting.

From reading your posts, l perceive 3 things

1. He wasn’t particularly helpful or supportive of you
2. Youhave idealised him into a wonderful person when he clearly isn’t even very nice.
3. He blames you, when in fact every thing is 50/50 andbehaviour from one person enables behaviour from another.

The not loving him thing if said in anger could be forgiven.

He sounds like an uncaring twat to me

I feel like what more did he want from me though? What more could I give? His meals were cooked, his washing clean, still contributing equally to the bills, keeping and struggling to keep on top of the house and college work, taking care of the children but still trying to keep our relationship strong, we were still intimate and I know that's not everything but we always said we loved each other, before bed, before he left for work etc...

I'm preparing for the day he comes back and says there is someone else, I feel so sad for the children.

I hope it gets better for you soon falling I'm sure that feeling is part of the process.

We are not marred; mortgage etc... Is in joint names. I've thought about it and think there's a strong possibility he will be able to afford the house on his own. Even that makes me feel sick, he will eventually have someone else with him in what was our home, knowing the children will be coming and mammy isn't there.

Some hours are better than others and this is a tough one. He's just so cold to me, doesn't say hello, doesn't acknowledge me, its like he cant even stand looking at me, I don't know who this person is and its awful

And he let you do all of that. Cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare, he stood there and let you do it.

Remind me why you want such an entitled selfish, uncaring man with you.

He wanted to be the centre of attention, too, because he's the Big I Am. What a selfish wanker!

Just think, now he'll have to look after his own kids and cook his own fucking dinner.

I've honestly always tried being fair, just wanted some help now and again, to be a team, I always said we need to be a team, all of us.

I guess we both have own interpretation of things, I'm feeling a bit better now, the joys of emotions, sure it wont last but whilst it does I'm going to have a cup of tea and biscuits then have a long soak in a bubble bath now the children are sleeping.

You have idealised him into a wonderful person

Totally agree with this.

You say this OP....

He is such a good, loving, kind, decent man

Explain how a kind, loving decent man left you to do all the childcare and chores...in spite of you crying out for help.

I still think better communication would have helped. I've learned that cries for help aren't picked up on by many men. It's easier for them to ignore.

Does he have a good relationship the DC?
Does he know their likes and dislikes?

Focus on you and your children.... things will get better.

It does seem like the natural conclusion to a relationship.

The children adore him, he doesn't know the ins and outs of what their into at the moment as I'm the one who spends most of the time with them so that's totally understandable.

I think I've been trying to kid myself that it would all work out in the end, maybe time apart would do us both good but he told me in the beginning, in his own words that its over, there's no going back and I need to accept that.

I've been thinking if he comes around and sees I'm not this monster, I'm the person he fell in love with, only life has changed, as it does, then there is hope but I need to accept his words. If I cant accept his words then I'm lying to myself, he doesn't say things he doesn't mean, hes said this plenty of times himself.

Its hard processing it all but its getting easier, the days are long but I need to start making a plan.

Children would adore satan if he was their dad, still does not make him a good parent.

OP, it's raw, you feel rejected, your feelings are valid, you will get better and when you do you will look back and see things differently; you will see his flaws, a man that has deserted you and his children; without even trying; sorry but I'd suspect he's already with someone else.

You need to find your anger, find out your rights and keep contact only about the kids; do not let him shirk any more of his responsibilities, esp financial to his children; other than that I'd not miss him; he's pretty much shown you what an absolute shite person he actually is.

You will get there, just get support from friends and family to help you through; do not keep the door open for him; show him you respect yourself.

OP, as weird as it seems, this all becomes MUCH easier to handle when you give up all hope of a reconciliation.

Have a huge cry, face the (horrible) facts, mope and wail all weekend. Watch heartbreaking movies, eat ice-cream, wallow in the total hideousness or splitting up.

Then on Monday, start making a plan. Doesn't have to be the most perfect plan ever created, it just has to be a small step towards your new life.

Its just really really hard to accept. I don't know if I should be making big decisions until the dust settles. Part of me thinks I need to wait until I'm thinking clearly, another part is thinking I need to get things moving.

I think I might give it a few days, enjoy the bank holiday with the little ones and go from there. I am feeling stronger though, I will not beg or plead, I will be civil, dignified and get through this.

All the blame is on me, he blames me for it all

That's not fair. It takes 2 people to break a relationship. You asked him for help and support; he fell far short of what he should have been doing as a parent and as a partner.

I know it hurts like hell at the moment, but it will get better, I promise.

Don't make any big decisions right now. Just cuddle your little ones, and enjoy the bank holiday. Be kind to yourself. You did not cause this, he just wasn't the person you thought he was (or wanted him to be). And that is definitely definitely NOT your fault.

I will not beg or plead, I will be civil, dignified and get through this

I agree. Never beg or plead.

Animosity won't enable a good coparent relationship either and the children will be the ones who suffer at the end of the day.

That's why I don't think anger is particularly productive.

Relationship breakdowns can be complex and we can always look back with the benefit of hindsight on how it could have been different.

Leave him to the kids on his own when he comes over. Don't start any conversation with him. Look great and go out. Even if you've nowhere to go...go and have a coffee...relax and read a magazine while you're there...or to pick up stuff from the supermarket and have a browse around. Don't let him see you moping around or looking like your life is on hold.

Try and get a visiting routine with fixed dates... discuss overnights. You need to have a break and time to yourself and he needs to understand what parenting is about.... you've done the lion's share of it... which is where the resentment kicked in.

I'm so sorry you wound up here, OP, it's a shitty place to be. I'm nearly 4 months down the line and struggling. Like you, I'm living with the nagging thought that it's all my fault (which is not true but it's hard to knock this idea out of my head).
Please keep posting.

I think if my DW had ever said she didn't love me I would be deeply hurt, even if it was said in frustraton and anger, but I think I'd be able to get over it. If, however, she said it twice I'd probable find it far harder if not impossible, as the old phrase goes "Many a true word spoken in anger."

Whether or not it was true it is emotionally abusive and I doubt I would feel inclined to hang around an see how much worse it's going to get.

Its never one sided, they both have a level of culpability, what the OP needs to do now is accept the situation, adapt and move on. Its not going to be easy but there is nothing to be gained from dwelling on fault and how things could have been if both of them had behaved differently.

Absolutely, it was cruel and hurtful. I cant make excuses for my behaviour.

Hindsight is definitely 20/20 but the truth is, if our hearts had been in the relationship and if it was meant to be, we would have made it work. The more time we spend apart is making me question if even I wanted it as much as I thought.

I thought he was the love of my life, my soulmate but now I'm not so sure. If that were the case we would have worked together and not sat back watching the other one struggle whilst repeatedly asking for support.

We have been really quite civil with each other but there are so many other decisions I have to eventually think about and discuss. Still have to take each day as they happen I guess.

We have quite a few family events coming up but said family members don't know whats happening and I don't thinks its my place to tell them and hes saying its no one else's business but I think it could be awkward playing happy families when we are quite clearly not.

I feel stuck in limbo