Partner left us, dont know what to do

[Changingoftheguard]

My partner of 8 years has left me and my 2 dc. He left about a week ago, I really cant remember, everything is such a blur. He told me he didn't love me in the same way as before.

I know in my hearts of hearts I'm massively to blame, I can be hard work, I can be a total bit** at times, I told him in 2 disagreements I didn't love him. That's inexcusable and if a man said that I feel I would be told to leave him, hes no good and doesn't respect me. In all honestly I know I have my issues.

We had 2 dc really close together, whilst on mat leave I went back into education, this was discussed between us and honestly I just wanted to make sure I have a career for my family but in the process I feel like I've lost my family. I was still nursing my youngest, expressing in the toilets, coming home to prepare tea, keeping on top of the house, washing clothes, I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

I barely got a sleep in and was crying out for support. I think and know as he told me he felt last in the pecking order and hated his life but he was my everything. He is such a good, loving, kind, decent man. I cant believe Ive lost him, I don't know how to go on. We agreed to sell the house, now hes thinking about keeping it on.

He cant bear to look at me and I'm dying inside every time I see him. I just keep thinking, why didn't we make a change knowing we were both so unhappy, I guess I didn't truly know how unhappy I was making him, wearing him down.

I have a good heart and when I had my children my priorities changed. I just don't know how we move forward, I change from feeling positive to feeling like I cant go on within a second. I'm so lost and confused.

How do I move on, I imagined us retiring and growing old together, our children growing up with parents who were together. I feel so uncertain and scared

Honestly, the more you post about him the less like a decent person he sounds like.

Have you read anything about the mental load? You should.

He sounds very immature and I would be very very tempted to fuck off on my own for a week and see how he copes.

You tell who you want to tell. He left. He can’t censor you.

The more I mull things over and look back, the more disdain I feel.

I don't want to be a nasty person its not in my usual nature but hes just expecting to come and go as he pleases, I feel like I'm being made a fool of whilst hes off doing what he pleases.

Ive made a few plans, nothing too exciting and nothing to interrupt anyones work/life routine but just to get out for a bit and let him take responsibility. Its not to make his life difficult but its something hes going to have to get used to, we all are.

Get the diary out, give him some days, show him where the frozen breast milk is and leave him to it.

He sounds like a horrible man child.

You sound young, and driven and caring. You’ve made mistakes. He’s absconded from the relationship and when it got tough he pulled the plug. He’s not decent. He’s a child. Decent men don’t need to be asked to “help” they just do it. It’s callled being an adult.

When my Dd was 9m old, and if I were returning to work and studying I would NOT be expected to cook and clean as well. It would be fairly shared and probably DH picking up the slack to give me the breaks I needed to fulfill my studying.

He’s a jerk. No wonder you said you didn’t love him.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/amp19940179/women-mental-housework/

The reason he doesn't want to tell family members is because he knows he's behaved poorly.

You'll find in time that you cope better with it all without another child to look after.

Ive found the house definitely easier to keep on top of! Id much rather have had our family as one over a (relatively) clean, tidy house but its not just that it is. Its everything, just the everyday running of life.

Ive read that article and I was definitely feeling resentful but, and I know Ive already said it, I had tried talking to him and every time I was told I was point scoring which I explained isn't the case, I'm just trying to put things into perspective for us both. I wasn't looking for an argument I just wanted to talk so we could both appreciate each others pov.

The more I write and think about it, I think I was fighting a losing battle :-(

People are going to find out eventually and I cant pretend everything is ok, its been hard enough. I know people will see its not all my fault, I know I contributed massively but I dont think it was all me. Theres been times his family have called in and asked why he hasn't done this and that when he'd been saying he would do if for ages and I always cut him slack, Id give him a kick up the bum but wasn't breathing down his neck constantly.

Its still makes me sad thinking this is how it ended but I cant change that, I've been through worse so I know time will help heal and I am young still so have plenty to look forward to with my children, career and enjoying life. Its not going in the direction I thought it would but I'm starting to accept that's ok, slowly but getting there.

That's not to say if I was any older I wouldn't have anything to look forward to but I can appreciate it might be harder the older you get

OP you sound quite insightful. I agree that he doesn't want to tell people because he knows it will reflect badly on him. The sooner you tell people IRL the sooner you can access support from people who care about you. You don't have your family unit anymore and I see that is breaking your heart but you will have to draw the world in and expand your family with people who do love you. Your future is your own.

Your future is your own.

^ THIS.

Stop playing fiddle to his tune - he is still controlling the situation. If you want to tell people in real life, tell them! As the post above said, that way you can access support from friends and family who do love you.

I think part of me also thinks its makes it more real when people do know but I feel stuck. A family member of his visited yesterday and we chatted as you do, I felt like I was lying to her. I just wanted to tell her.

I don't know why I do but I cant help thinking he wouldn't like it if I did and I don't want to upset him, I know that sound so pathetic. I feel like I'm being a fool and if I was on the outside looking in I would be asking myself what the hell are you doing??

I still love him, I think I still love him, today is one of "those days". The thought of never holding him close again, knowing someone is going to take the place I had in his heart. Its so hard sometimes.

Hi Changing if it helps, remember some of your original post.

I was still nursing my youngest, expressing in the toilets, coming home to prepare tea, keeping on top of the house, washing clothes, I was and am exhausted. Getting up at the crack of dawn and doing it all again.

You really want to go back this? He did not support you, did not help you. He did and DOES NOT deserve you pining over him.

It's OK, it's really days and you're having a wobble but you will get over this. I really think you should tell someone in real life to make it 'real' - if you can't cope with telling family yet, at least confide in a friend?

*early days not really days!

I know and I try to remember this but sometimes emotions take over.

We were chatting the other day and he mentioned how hiding dirty clothes etc... Wasn't a big deal as he would have sorted it eventually. Part of me thought exactly and this is why things would never change and another part of me thinks well maybe he is right, if he would do it eventually (whether he actually would or not), then its not a big deal?

Have I been expecting too much?

Its like now I don't want to make contact unless its necessary as it hurts but I need to contact as I'm trying to arrange childcare. I cant just cut off and I think this is how my life is going to be.

I don't want him to think I cant stop contacting and part of me thinks I should leave it to him as its both our responsibility but if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done and that's not fair on the children and those who look after the little ones. We all need to know whats what.

You've been expecting too little. He's selfish and lazy. He let you carry the load. There's definitely someone else. That's why he's being cagey and not wanting you to tell people. He sounds like a shit partner who's trying to hang all the responsibility on you. Tell everyone - P has decided to end our relationship and he doesn't want to try and work it out. Say how you feel. Take support. It's up to you what you tell people. Not him. He's called time on the relationship. He needs to feel some consequences. One day you will look back and wonder why on earth you put up with him. You might not be able to imagine it now, but it will definitely come.

I’m really sorry OP. You sound amazing.

Firstly - don’t agree to anything. You’re all over the place with guilt whilst he is as cool as cucumber pawning you off with “I would . . . If only”. Empty, impossible ultimatums.

Stay in the house and don’t change anything of what you have planned other than arranging practicals as a single parent.

Get his help on a practical level. He doesn’t want you in the house but would look after the kids? Great. Every Saturday afternoon, he comes over and you go out to have a break, study at a cafe , meet a friend for coffee

Focus your attitude: you have to go through a dark tunnel on your own. Use that time for getting your head straight, getting the three of you into new routine and happy. You don’t know what’s at the other end and speculating is not going to help because the journey will change you.

Read “the essence of the thing” by Madeline St John. I found it very helpful after a breakup.

Think of it as a temporary time to get yourself better. It will be harder in many ways alone with the kids but you will also find some parts easier.

Try and smile at something everyday

I'm so frustrated with myself for feeling this way, I was starting to feel strong!

I just don't understand how someone's feelings can change like that, he promised me, he looked me in the eye and promised, promised there was no one else. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of it. Even if the roles were reversed and I fell out of love with him, I would truly still treat him with respect, I wouldn't behave the way he is. He is the father of my children and I will always treat him with respect and kindness, he will always be their father and I have to remember that, in every action I take now I have to remember that.

I know everyone is different but surely everyone has that thing inside them that makes them have empathy, I don't want pity I want him to treat me with respect and be honest. He's making everything so confusing by saying not to tell anyone.

I feel like its going to turn out as expected, 2 months down the line, hes with someones hes "just met". Maybe I'm overthinking things but I have to prepare myself for it and its bloody hard.

And yes. Stop apologizing and feeling guilty. You didn’t quit on the relationship. He did

He called quits. That’s not a feeling it’s a fact. You should be able to tell people if you want to

Start thinking of his role as a co-worker in the parenting job.

He should pull his weight. Contact him with practicals.

He is using your own emotion and guilt to make you doubt yourself, stay quiet and not call him out on his responsibilities.

Have I been expecting too much?

Sounds to me like you've been expecting far far too little.

Thank you so much Das, I will definitely take a look, anything to keep me busy.

This is what I mean though, I feel guilty asking him, as though he feels I'm punishing him or trying to make his life hard which isn't the case, yeah of course I want him to chip in, he walked away from the relationship but hes not walking away from the children and his responsibilities. I just don't know where to draw the line because I'm so confused.

I have already decided that when he comes tomorrow evening, I'm going out and going swimming, I've been saying for a while that I want to and I'm going to. I shouldn't feel guilty, he has his free time so I'm allowed some too.

I'm sorry you wound up here as well, OP.

When you said you didn't love him, did you mean it? If you did, then to be honest you need to move on, as you will never be happy with him. If you didn't mean it, you need to address this as it will bugger up other relationships in the future. As a few other people have said, there is no way I would tolerate a partner saying he didn't love me; it's a deal-breaker.

It nearly always takes two to make a deal - or break it. For what it's worth, I agree with @HarmlessChap

I'm so confused.

I agree too, it was awful what I said, I'm honestly not a nasty person, he knows I have a good heart. I was looking after everyone else and no one was making sure I was ok. I know that's to be expected when you have children but when Id asked for help on soooo many occasions I just snapped.

I cant change what I said, I didn't act like I didn't love him. I told him at the beginning of all this I will regret saying that for the rest of my.

In all seriousness what more could I do, genuinely? So I know in future, what could I have done differently?

Well you whom said there was someone else were right.

I cannot believe it. I honestly genuinely thought he would never do this to me but today I received a message from the other woman.

Dirty bast**d came back to me and she wasn’t happy.

I’m utterly heartbroken, I’ve been such a fool believing his lies. It’s so hard because I still love him

OP - was he dating someone while you were broken up?
Or was that the reason he initially left?

Op, I am so sorry but it just confirms he is not worthy of you. How prophetic was your statement

I asked him to tell me the truth so I can grieve in one go rather than find out later & go through more, everything comes out in the end