A self help thread for the basically nice (not two headed) but socially 'gawky' amongst us

[handlemecarefully]

I find it hard to make new friends - lacking a certain amount of social confidence. Once people get to know me they usually warm to me - but not that many people pursue it past those initial stages. Dh says that I am good company etc but seem aloof. God knows how I change that because it is unintentional.

Despite this I have a pretty good social life because my closest friend is really gregarious so I am invited to many things on her coat tails .....but it does seem to be entirely dependent upon her. Perish the thought she ever moves away or something!

However, starting to be really bothered by my lack of successful integration at the school gates. I compare myself to a friend who has a son who started Reception last September like me, and she is never short of people to chat to....it's hard to shrug off feelings of adequacy

So do you feel similarly? What's the secret do you think of easily getting to know people? Is it fear of rejection that holds you back? Of the people you know who are popular and widely well liked - what is it about them? Can this be emulated or do they have something innate?

Have you any concrete plans to change things?

To kick things off - the 'proactive' thing I have done is organise a class night out at a restaurant next week. There is interest and it looks as if people will go....but I am starting to worry that I still be on the periphery even as the 'organiser'

I honestly think that some people smile a lot more, and this makes them popular. I too have a coat tails friend, if she moves away I intend to follow her.

Try plastering a smile on your face and wearing a bit of l;ippy so people notice you are smiling. I need to take my own advice.

How's this

Seriously though that is a good point.

I've kind of given up, I suppose. I find the early stages easy - I can meet new people and am fine - it's teh next stage I can't do - so end up sitting quietly not knowing what to do next. It is easier if you organise things though - I do find able to tell people what to do (ncely!) it's the social chat I can't do.

Faking it has worked for me.

You fake confidence and act like you are the most confident person in the world and 99% of the time people treat you like that. As a result your confidence grows and it becomes easier and easier.

Also one mantra I always keep in mind when feeling particularly anxious - no one is thinking about you as much as they think you are. They've got other things to think about.
Ok might not sound very comforting but it helps me.

look people in the eyes and smile at them

say hello, ask how they are, offer a compliment, mention something about their children, mention something about your child, ask their advice on something, when the time seems right suggest a coffee (your house or local cafe)

in any relationship someone has to make the first move

some people have faces that put me off approaching them .. it might be shyness but not looking at me, looking down at the ground, not smiling are all closed signals

a cheery smile is always a sign that a hello will be appreciated

some people however really are bitches .. you need to avoid them

i think you have to be a sponge for information

if you are chatting to someone at the school gates, you have to remember they said they were getting their kitchen redecorated, or their car had broken down, or little jonny had chicken pox, so the next time you see them you can then ask about said topic

haggisaggis - No, don't give up!

Yep, that does make sense Armadillo

also

tell someone you like their shoes

works every time

You will be on the periphery if you let yourself be..
which would be you..
let everyone else sit down and then take the random left over seats next to the coats..?
OR when everyones doing that shuffle round the table saying 'oh where are we all sitting etc...' you say cheerily.. 'well I'M THERE.. (Meaning the most social, prominent position at the table) - sit wherever you like!'
if you can't do this, make sure your bag/coat scarf is already on the chair, or get there ewarly and simply sit on it!

arrange playdates .. big one to making friends .. invite the parent along too .. wait till 5 or 6 and open a bottle of wine

relax and enjoy it

some people really are interesting others are fairly boring .. try to think of some things that you have in common .. kids always a good starting point

I am extremely social

however I don't do big groups well

I appreciate this about me .. and am happy to have 1 - 4 parents round at the same time .. as time goes on I make it more 1 on 1s

making coffee and cakes ..also big skill

god YES Twig - my neighbour did that when she moved next door - sat in her garden with a HUGE glass of wine and shouted "yoohoo! fancy a glass?"

did that make sense?

basically I feel I missed the first term of DS's school through illness .. and when I started doing school drop-off there were already some well-defined social groups

luckily people were very kind and asked me about illnesses .. gave me a chance to mention that I had much to catch up on and invite people round .. I did it in their groups so that they were happy chatting .. and then I started finding things out and then gradually reduced the groups till I saw people one at a time or 2 or so

can't think of anything else at the minute

Twig - I have that closed up body language...you're dead right, it must be off putting.

Nailpolish - that's simple but brilliant!

Pyschobabble - you and me both. I don't want my dc's to be hampered by lack of social skills and want to show them the way iyswim. Also fear rejection so even though I am really quite friendly with one of the mum's from school something stops me from taking it further than going running together, sharing lifts etc (just assume that she has more important things to do with her time and other people to see)

So thus far:

1. Plaster big open smile on face, make eye contact, try to appear open and welcoming

2. Memorise little bits of detail about people's lives so that you can ask them about when you next see them

3. Don't agonise too much with thoughts about what other people think of you..they are far too busy with their own lives to be analysing everything you say and do

4. Go out and make it happen (escape's point about bagging a good seat)

number 3 is spot on

Twig - so you invite them around in their established social groups. And they invariably said 'yes'? Were any of the sniffy and disinterested?

Try to catch yourself in negative thought patterns: eg, you say 'hello' to Popular Mum. Popular Mum doesn't appear hugely enthusiastic. You think 'Popular Mum thinks I'm a big loser'. In fact, Popular Mum's budgie has just died and she's wondering whether she has a box of the correct dimensions for burying it. Instead of leaping to conclusions about how no-one wants to be your mate, try thinking of all the other, more constructive reasons that someone might have for being a bit preoccupied, and be prepared to try again next time as though nothing had happened.

(I also need to take my own advice. DS2 is starting school in September and I'm dreading the school gates already.)

If I recall it sometimes took a while to settle a date

sometimes when people are sniffy I assume they're embarrassed so I make sure they know I'm genuine by asking again

also you need to get your when to invite sorted out 'free any night next week?' is a good one .. close enough but not too close

Neutronstar and Twig - basically it's about positive thinking. I would do precisely as Neutronstar said - assume Popular mum thinks I'm a loser. I like that Twig - not being crushed and having the balls to issue a 2nd invite

Positive thinking is something you have to practice, IME. Treat it as homework. Every time you're at the school gates, give yourself a 'task' of having a conversation with at least one person (and not just 'hello'). It will be awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. I took this approach when we moved to a new area: instead of taking my newspaper to the playgroup and reading it through the session (as I used to do), I forced myself to smile at people and start conversations. It does work, honest - give it a couple of months and you'll see the difference. Well done to you for organising the night out.

Neutronstar - I'll do that! (better than arriving early at School to secure a parking space, and then skulking down in my seat with a good book until precisely 1 minute before chucking out time)

Haggis and Psychobabble - you up for trying to put some of this into practice and 'reporting back'?