A self help thread for the basically nice (not two headed) but socially 'gawky' amongst us

[handlemecarefully]

I find it hard to make new friends - lacking a certain amount of social confidence. Once people get to know me they usually warm to me - but not that many people pursue it past those initial stages. Dh says that I am good company etc but seem aloof. God knows how I change that because it is unintentional.

Despite this I have a pretty good social life because my closest friend is really gregarious so I am invited to many things on her coat tails .....but it does seem to be entirely dependent upon her. Perish the thought she ever moves away or something!

However, starting to be really bothered by my lack of successful integration at the school gates. I compare myself to a friend who has a son who started Reception last September like me, and she is never short of people to chat to....it's hard to shrug off feelings of adequacy

So do you feel similarly? What's the secret do you think of easily getting to know people? Is it fear of rejection that holds you back? Of the people you know who are popular and widely well liked - what is it about them? Can this be emulated or do they have something innate?

Have you any concrete plans to change things?

I'll join too please. Problem is that people see me as very confident but like mawbroon I really struggle when there's a group that's got different conversations going on. I just seem to sit there in the middle. I seem to be able to do the extrovert bit to get things going then just can't sustain it and feel on the edge of things.

And I've just had to re-type this answer because I typed it out once and then deleted it because I thought no, it's not interesting, shut up - and then realised what I'd done - I struggle to share a conversation here as well !

Good thread, wonder how many of us actually appear really gregarious to other mums at the school gate?

BTW, PMSL at Naily's comment about admiring shoes - this is a farming area, they are as likely to turn up in wellies or hobnail boots as anything else! Quite a few crocs though, so we can always compare those.....

I went to a MN meet-up but didn't enjoy it: there was a fair amount of in-jokes which meant nothing to a newbie and cackling over double entendre. I didn't find anyone to click with.

I'm also no good at group dynamics, I prefer a one-to-one or two-couples situation.

I also find it hard to talk to other mums about their babies. My DS (19 months) is so easy as he sleeps all night, eats whatever I give him*, doesn't tantrum (seriously, he doesn't) and is generally very laid back in nature. When other Mums mention lack of sleep, tantrums etc, I just never know what to say without appearing boastful about how easy my ds is or judgmental about their parenting methods. I am neither of these, but I am paranoid about coming over this way. It's probably all in my head of course...... but bang, there goes another topic of conversation that I don't feel at ease with.

*Apart from just now as he is sick, but that's a whole other thread.

HMC - can I just say "thank you" for starting this? I think we're all agreed, we feel better now, just knowing we're not alone in our sentiments. I've been getting down about this for a while (mainly over the lack of invites - though I do appreciate a lot of that, is just because people are so busy in their own lives - esp WAHMs), and just sharing my thoughts has lifted quite a weight off me! Thanks so much. x

TricityBendix - don't shut up! I for one am happy to hear all sorts of view points - and yours is indeed an interesting one, as I have always assumed that confident people are the ones who feel most at-ease. I suppose, underneath the surface of an awful lot of gregarious people, lies a thick layer of insecurity which they are clever at hiding?

Another thought - some of you have hit the nail on the head, with the feminine stuff. I'm not very girly. Didn't Eddie Izzard once say he felt like a lesbian in a man's body? Well, I suppose you could say, I feel the opposite! Oh cripes, that wasn't meant to sound as bad as it perhaps did?!

I just mean that I sometimes find it easier to chat to blokes - who usually only have one face, as opposed to many women! I also feel that they are less likely to be judging the fact that I have a bad hair-every-day, and don't wear designer stuff.

Must admit though, have just grown my nails, and have quite enjoyed getting some girly nail advice from one of my pals - it is a strange feeling! Watch out, I'll be having a girls' night in before you know it!

Agree that sometimes easier to talk to blokes - seem ot be able to talk about politics and other non-personal stuff more easily.

Mawbroon - you say "of course our next child is bound to be a complete insomniac, coliky, tantruming nightmare but I'll enjoy DS for now". A bit of self deprecation always breaks the ice I find.

And to everyone who has trouble making friends I would echo Twigs advice and add that you should be consistent. There is a lovely mum at my dd's school who seemed distant and we spoke and she joined in a few nights out but then will sit on her own at a soft play party miles away from the tables reserved for the party. I feel like I don't know whether to say come and sit with us or whether she wants her space?

You beat me to it, Smutti!
I was just about to post in response to Mawbroon's comments about 'boasting' about her baby. Men are quite happy to boast about the size of their paypacket or car. Women cannot stand other women 'boasting' about their good fortune and think that they are 'getting above themselves'. I'll bet that a fair few of us on this thread have comfy lives and are therefore excluded from The Sisterhood because we do not have much to moan about (and therefore elict 'bonding' sympathy).

Smutti it's the fella in the cellar you see. We all have one (I hope!). He's the little voice in the back of your head which mutters "you're crap, you are" just as you're trying to make conversation with someone. I can do the confident act, especially for work where there's a focus, but socially, the little bloke starts "what, so you think you're interesting now, do you? Think you've got something to say, do you?". And it can be tricky ignoring him because sometimes when I'm talking to people my mind is just blank. Absolutely nothing in there to say. Zilch. Apart from the little man muttering in a low voice "Your teeth are crooked and your clothes are from Primark. Pah!"

Awww Tricity. Don't know whether to laugh or cry!

My fella in the cellar was my bro when I was a teenager. Always telling me how useless I was. And his comments on my dancing when I was 9 have seriously given me a complex on the dance floor! We do get on now, but I think things like that can stick with you.

I don't so much have the problem of my mind going blank; in my case the ideas are there, I just don't have the confidence to shout them out. When I do utter and nobody takes on, I give up (because that stupid voice is telling me it's not worth listening to). MIL hardly ever acknowledges anything I say. In self defence, I now prefer to say nowt. she probably thinks I'm actually mute.

When I do get an attentive audience outside of close family, I find the words come out the wrong way round. I have an excellent way with written words but I'm verbally challenged! I think it's because my mind is working faster than I can talk and I tend to rush it.

Anyway, tell the little man to b**ger off from me!

Oh I frequently tell him to b*gger off! LOL, it's just that I'm sure we've all got our own little fella in the cellar undermining us. And I think I get some really good stuff from Primark....

Something someone said earlier struck a chord too, about possibly not being very sociable because actually you don't really like that group of people. I was always the odd one out at school, which is sad, but then, I can't say I've got a huge amount of respect for the vast majority of people I went to school with and am very glad I've moved on from that part of the world. Now, that might not be a good reflection on me, but I don't do the girly thing (as discussed below) and I find mindless materialism difficult to sustain an interest in. And I've got a really low phone bill which is no bad thing. I've got lovely friends, I just don't see the need to spend ages on the phone.

Does anyone else think too much?? I think so hard about what to say for the next bit of the conversation that I have problems replying to the first bit and people go away thinking I'm a complete moron

I am just starting to make friends at school - one I met because she is very loud and came to me, one is her friend, and the 3rd I always liked the look of (you know how sometimes you just get that feeling) and I ended up at a playgroup with her so we started talking then.

All 3 though have really been people talking to me.

I end up like Ross in Friends when he fancied someone... it just keeps going round "Say something... say anything... its been 5 mins since they asked the question say something!!!", then I get all flustered and never make eye contact again.

I start to relax with wine, but I'm told that's frowned upon on the school run

i have 2 close friends, but would love to be more sociable,

dd starts school in sept and i am dreading the school gates, my neighbours daughter already goes there, and the problem is we havent spoken for approx 2 years, but i am sure she is in with the mums at school, so i am dreading going there, as i hate the thought of others talking about me or her putting people off me....
i so wish i could rise above it and ozzzz confidence...

Right, so are any of us near each other so we could meet up in tiny groups and cringe and not say anything the whole time.
I am shortly moving to Edinburgh. Any takers?

Sorry, I'm in Cardiff. That would be funny though.

Couldn't be further apart Bournemouth!

oh gosh ..

look, the point of being social is to enjoy YOURSELF .. not to entertain others

Now of course you all feel some sense of responsibility for your children .. but honestly it is only in nursery and reception that their social lives are intertwined with yours (or seemingly so) after that they stand on their own friendships.

everybody has phases where they feel paranoid, unloved, unliked .. even the most sociable of us .. honestly we do

I don't know what to say really, I wonder why so many get to adulthood and still feel like they're shuffling their feet in the playground dirt

smile
be nice
and people are generally nice back
take a great leap of faith and arrange to see people in small groups
I don't believe large groupings / parties are a way to make friends, because you become torn (at least I do) in wanting to talk to different people and don't end up talking to anybody
be the personalities you truly are .. the personalities that shine through in your postings .. because honestly there is not one of you I wouldn't want to get to know better .. and isn't the way you post really who you are without any physical sign of embarrasment

here .. take that out with you (use sparingly, you might look a bit manic otherwise)

pmsl Twig!!!

I'm gonna have to be brave tomorrow - need to chat up one of the mums I nod and smile at occasionally to take DD in so I can run away before doors open

There are so many of us aren't there? Mawbroon, very of you moving to Edinburgh, I have had some very happy times there

yeah but twig, we can edit what we say here...

People edit???

Is that how I get in trouble???

but Jan .. I simply don't believe you have any social gawkeries

I spoke to you on the phone and if I recall it was me who was gawkily overly-chatty and you who was normal and yet I still see myself as sociable and have no issues making friends in RL

but then I'm the youngest of 4 girls so that might work with your theory

I could have written this thread - know lots and lots of people but not a close friends - have just been thinking how nice it would be to have lots of nice new friends (nothing wrong with old ones) - think this has been brought on by lack of social life due to hideous pg and now ds3 here feel life can start again. Have signed up to a few massage/postnatal things.

school gates are the worst - I speak to people and there are folk i think could be friends with but don't know what to say!

I live near Bath if anyone else feels the need to make new friends!

God - I feel like I've come out the closet!

better with men, don't really get on well with women check* verbal diorhea and/or constipation when engaged in conversation check* little man in my head telling me to shut my mouth before i embarress myself check* afraid to boast so stuck for words check*

i'm doomed aren't i?!

am in ireland so looks like i won't be making it to a meet-up either

thanks twiglett, that was a really lovely post. it's nice to know even the social butterfly types get these paranoid worries, makes me feel a bit normal!