A self help thread for the basically nice (not two headed) but socially 'gawky' amongst us

[handlemecarefully]

I find it hard to make new friends - lacking a certain amount of social confidence. Once people get to know me they usually warm to me - but not that many people pursue it past those initial stages. Dh says that I am good company etc but seem aloof. God knows how I change that because it is unintentional.

Despite this I have a pretty good social life because my closest friend is really gregarious so I am invited to many things on her coat tails .....but it does seem to be entirely dependent upon her. Perish the thought she ever moves away or something!

However, starting to be really bothered by my lack of successful integration at the school gates. I compare myself to a friend who has a son who started Reception last September like me, and she is never short of people to chat to....it's hard to shrug off feelings of adequacy

So do you feel similarly? What's the secret do you think of easily getting to know people? Is it fear of rejection that holds you back? Of the people you know who are popular and widely well liked - what is it about them? Can this be emulated or do they have something innate?

Have you any concrete plans to change things?

Mmm this is me too - though I do sometimes think that it's not just that I seem aloof, but that I am aloof - ie I don't actually feel like chatting to all and sundry and I run away!

I am lucky to have some very lovely and dear friends, some nearby, some far away - and I really treasure time on my own and with just DP and DS - so I don't try to make a lot of new friends quickly - and I have learned that if I do, it often goes to pot. In the past I've attracted needy people who actually want looking after but in my naivety I've thought "wow, I've hit it off with them right away" only to realise a few months down the line that I want to shake them off. My truest and best friendships have really grown over a long time and not always been the people I'd have first been drawn to.

On top of that, school/nursery gates seems to be the toughest environment of all for the shy and awkward. It seems to bring out the more competitive, defensive, pack-mentality side of people so it's very hard to negotiate. I think making new friends elsewhere, or at least away from the actual school gates, is more fruitful.

snowleopard - it is a tough environment. Nevertheless I'd like to give it a go. But yes, I should also look in other environments for 'friend making potential'

A question, would this be trying too hard:

To invite all the girls in reception (and their mum's hopefully) to a sort of open house lunch at mine during half term? It's a small school so only 6 girls in total including my dd

That's 6 girls in Reception in total (Whole school is circa 100 pupils)

hmc, can I just ditto the smile thing. I'm not the most confident person in the world but smile and say hello to everyone at the school gate (even the bitches!!) and everyone comments on how happy and cheerful I always am and as a result, I always have someone to chat to at the school gates. Its called acting . Seriously though, I believe v strongly in the power of positive thinking and think it helps you to a) always see and project the best in yourself and b) look for the positive in others.

re asking 6 girls round, what a good idea! I would only be confident enough to do this if at least 1 good friend agreed to come and hold my hand and lend some girly support. But a fab thing to do nevertheless

i have been living in my town for 3, almost 4 years and don't have a single proper friend

i moved here for college, was in a very small class and didn't click with many, just the one lad who turned a bit stalkerish later on.

when i finished college i was pregnant and have never found any mom friends that i click with, the only time i worked here i was a mom already and working in a bar so couldn't go out with my collegues every weekend and was therefore never made any real friends there either.

my name is PinkTulips and i am a sad loner in need of social skills

I know how you feel HMC - I know I definitely think too much about what other people think of me (and tend to presume that they won't like me)... am also a bit paranoid that people are nice to my face but aren't really interested in me... which is all very negative really so I can see where I am going wrong.

I think though that often people don't have room in their lives for more people to socialise with, so just because they don't take things further doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you. I am a bit guilty of that too - I go through phases of wanting to 'hibernate' and not see anyone.

I decided a while ago that I need to give people the benefit of the doubt, and not assume that people will consider me strange for whatever reason. It's a hard switch to make in your brain though.

I think if your aim is to make friends then 6 adults and 6 children is probably too many .. not forgetting as its half-term you'll probably also have siblings .. I think with that many you will end up not being able to chat because you'll be too busy

keep it simple

invite 2 or 3 children .. actually not 2 because then you end up with 3 kids which is generally a bad playdate idea

or invite all 6 girls to meet up in the park with a picnic that everyone brings themselves .. yes that'd work better ..

a super-basic tip: remember their names, their dh's names and their dc's names. so simple, but effective. probably not so applicable to the school gate as you know the children already.

i find it hard to make friends, not because i'm antisocial, but because there are so few people i'd like to be friends with god, that does make me out to be a bitch...! but i seem to 'click' with very few people, so i end up with a handful of close friends, and lots and lots of aquaintances who i guess i could loosely call friends.

warthog, that sounds like me! i need to really click with someone to be friends with them, have loads of aquantainces but none of them click.

twoticky

Pinktulips and tatties - lets stand united (rallying call) we will make this happen for us.

Good plan Twig - takes the pressure off to arrange a picnic lunch in the park meet up for the Reception girls.

yes, i must try harder at this stuff or dd is going to be as much a social misfit as me (am convinced part of my difficulty lies in the fact that my mom is deeply antisocial and never liked having friends)

What a reassuring thread. I thought I was the biggest no-mates loser in the world, but really there's lots of us!

My parents were just the same PinkTulips!

ZacharyQ - probably lots of people who feel similarly but it just isn't the done thing to admit to it usually is it?

This is the one aspect of Motherhood I'm not looking forward to. I'm terrible at making friends with women because it always seems like everyone's in cliques already and I don't want to intrude. Plus all the mother types I know seem so organised, mature and successful, and I laugh at fart jokes and have a messy house and wonky hair. I can't compete so I don't try!

My way of making friends is to show vulnerability by telling a funny or embarassing story, in the hopes of disarming them. It works on some women but some probably think I'm a loser because of it. I suppose it's one way of working out who the snooty folk are! But then I only have two good female friends so I'm probably doing something wrong...

i can be very social. i don't get nervous. but i rarely very very rarely initiate anything which could lead to friendship. when i do or when i accept an offer leading to such , i usually find i have made a very wise choice. I have the nicest nicest friends.

glad i'm not alone pinktulips! sometimes i despair that there isn't anyone else out there that i click with (other than dh). my sister still has friends from when she was FOUR!

see when i was four i lived in holland.

I was born in holland, then we lived in germany, then holland again, then germany again, then dublin then cork. it was 3 years of living in cork before i even bothered trying to make friends as i was convinced we'd move again!

it took me about 8 years to find people i clicked with there so might have a few years here to go yet!

Go for it Pyscho - steal yourself and ask her around for a coffee. I'm almost certain she'll say yes.

Psychobabble I will email you