A self help thread for the basically nice (not two headed) but socially 'gawky' amongst us

[handlemecarefully]

I find it hard to make new friends - lacking a certain amount of social confidence. Once people get to know me they usually warm to me - but not that many people pursue it past those initial stages. Dh says that I am good company etc but seem aloof. God knows how I change that because it is unintentional.

Despite this I have a pretty good social life because my closest friend is really gregarious so I am invited to many things on her coat tails .....but it does seem to be entirely dependent upon her. Perish the thought she ever moves away or something!

However, starting to be really bothered by my lack of successful integration at the school gates. I compare myself to a friend who has a son who started Reception last September like me, and she is never short of people to chat to....it's hard to shrug off feelings of adequacy

So do you feel similarly? What's the secret do you think of easily getting to know people? Is it fear of rejection that holds you back? Of the people you know who are popular and widely well liked - what is it about them? Can this be emulated or do they have something innate?

Have you any concrete plans to change things?

I'm loosing the faith...I mentioned that I'd been proactive and organised a class night out next week...well on the flyer I put down my name and my friend's name (the school mum that I go running with) as contact points. I put her name down because she is more of a 'face' iyswim...

Anyway spoke to her today and at least half a dozen mums have spoken to her to say that they are interested...not one has contacted me about it. Ummmmmmm......

Yeah I guess you're right BHB, thanks

It's because they know her already, hmc, without a doubt. It's easier to doorstep or telephone someone you know already, because it saves you doing all the introductiony bits that always end up with, "Oh, can I speak to Ebenezer's mum, hi, I'm frogs, tadpole 2's mum, in Y3" which is a bit cringey whichever way you cut it. Not insurmountably so, but if you could avoid it by talking to someone you already know, you would. It's the fact they're interested in your idea that matters, then they'll get to know you, and then you'll be away.

Ok

Feeling better - thanks!

I've always been a shy person and at school only had a couple of good friends.
I do smile a lot but sometimes its because i'm very nervous and i remember at my first office job when i was 19yrs old, one older lady complained that i was always smilling!
To try to beat my shyness i've always gone for jobs that force me to meet people or talk to them.
I was a call center clerk for 14yrs and now after 5yrs not working whilst my dds were growing up i've started a new job doing Homecare, which means you get very intimate sometimes due to the nature of the work.
But put me in front of a large group of people and get me to make a speech i think i would faint on the spot!
At the school gates i've had to try hard to break into the cliques (small village school)and if any new parents turn up i try to be friendly with them and say hello.
My best friend i made whilst pregnant had to move to France for 3 yrs and she will be back home after Xmas 07 and i'm looking forward to it.
AB

Ripeberry - not being trite, but you sound like a very genuine person

Gawd, I'm going all fluffy!

I'm fundamentally quite a shy and anti-social person, but grew up in a family of social butterflies!

The thing that changed it for me was doing teaching/lecturing work. You get over the fear of talking to groups quite quickly, and then I realised that actually groups of people (and hence the individuals who make up the groups) are quite predictable in a pavlovian sort of way. You give the same lecture two years in a row, and the second time people will laugh in exactly the same places as they did the first time, and get confused about exactly the same issues. Once I'd realised that it became easier to play the audience, and the same tricks that work for a group work for individuals too.

You always get the odd wild card people who will carry on arguing a point long after the rest of the group are muttering at them to shut up and by the same token you will always get the odd person who will blank you when you give them a normal friendly approach. And of course there are people who are so up themselves that they feel you are beneath them. But they are all in the same category as the random loonies who come up and start shouting at you in Sainsbury's -- you just have to mentally roll your eyes and ignore.

On the whole, if you give people the outgoing and friendly routine, they will respond in kind, and the ones who don't you wouldn't want to be friends with in any case.

Think I shall return to this thread often and re-read it frequently to 'keep the faith' over the next few week as project 'Get out there and make it happen' unfolds!

Frogs - very useful analogy, if someone blanks a friendly approach from me I shall think of random looneys in Sainsburys - excellent

hmc, do you really want to have a more vivacious social life, or do you just think that you should? (Speaking as a fairly anti-social and very tactless character)

I don't remember starting this thread!! Or name-changing to HMC!

Seriously, how re-assuring to know I'm not alone.

I literally had to barge my way into a couple of friendships, and even now I feel like the "weakest link" in a particular gang. My crime? Not disclosing details of my sex life, not having had a braggable amount of lovers and generally, being labelled as "boring". It's not helped when the most gregarious member of the group who everyone loves, has more or less told me they don't like me. It's obvious too that they are often in contact with each other too, whereas I just get the round-robins. I honestly believe they'd be happy if I moved away and thus out of the group! Yep, sounds like a playground tale, doesn't it?!

Also as regards new friendships, I feel I have tried my hardest to be friendly, visiting people when house-bound, inviting to go out for coffee, come to mine for cuppa/playdate/dinner party. And how many invites do I get returned? Pretty much, zilch (bar one new-found lovely friend). Even my own brother took 2 years to return a dinner invite! Methinks maybe I try too hard.

DS1 started school a year after everyone else, and parental friendships were already formed. I tried smiling and saying hello to people. 1 or 2 didn't even reply! It was amazing how few people bothered to speak at first. However, Pollyanna-attitude that I have, I like to find something positive, so from this, I have learnt how to treat newcomers in all situations, and make sure, even though I'm not the best at small talk, to welcome them.

Not sure about the comments about "acting". Mmmm.. I can't stand the falseness of it. I'd much rather be friends with a miserable sod who was genuine!

I was never popular at school - again because I was too sensible. I'm therefore quite used to it, and as long as I am proud of my behaviour, bo**ocks to what anyone else thinks of it. I've also come to the conclusion that if people don't want to get to know me better, it's their loss, because contrary to what I'm probably leading you to believe, I'm actually a rather nice person. I am caring, I will help ANYONE if needed, I am punctual, reliable and totally and utterly trustworthy. So what if I haven't had sex in a flipping bunker?! Potential friends queue here!!!!

The one thing I love about Mumsnet is that people can't look at you and make snap judgements... and there's always someone who is happy to chat to you!

So sorry for the diatribe. Feel much better for it.

Wendy - you probably have a point, there.

HMC - if you feel awkward at school, try turning up at the last minute. Works a treat.

Oh cripes - can I just point out that I'm not Billy No-Mates, just Billy Few-Mates. But I go for quality over quantity and I am proud to have some fantastic pals. God bless 'em.

Do you think having sisters makes a difference? I think I have never really 'needed' female friends because I have my sisters.

I have no sisters (have just posted that on another thread, lol) - I wonder if that's why I am fairly crap at female relationships?

no siblings at all which i think made me worse not better! no idea how to relate to people alot of the time

S is right in that some of us don't 'do' lots of friends: I have a few close friends and a lot of acquaintances. I'm happy to put a lot of effort into the friendships that are important to me rather than being superficially friendly with lots of others. Then again, am also pretty shy with new people, so perhaps it's a bit of both.

Would def say make the effort in being nice and getting to know people, but don't fret too much if you don't end up with lots of best mates. You might end up making a couple of really good friends, which is much better anyway...

Am also worried a little about DS learning social skills, but then he's a really gregarious baby - DH and I don't knwo where he gets it from!

I dunno, I now have a very close relationship with my sister who is 16 years older than me, but being friends with someone who naturally has so much in common and loves you means that normal friendships don't seem all that reliable or caring. I suppose it depends on your expectations!

Addig myself to this thread - will read through this evening.

Just really raisin my hand to say "I am one of you!"

Can I join in...

(will tattoo HMC's point 3 on hand for future reference)

Can I join too?
I think that part of my problem is that I am reserved and not 'girly' enough e.g. as Smutti said, I don't discuss my sex life with other people, am not interested in celebrities or overly excited by shopping/style/etc.

I can do the friendly chatting at the school gate routine but nothing ever seems to develop beyond that initial superficiality.

GG - know where you are coming from, I am not a girly girl (never was), so lack the common currency that many women share..

Can I join in too? I don't like group situations. I end up kind of listening to a bit of this conversation and a bit of that conversation but never actually speaking to anyone. This happened to me at the last MN meet up that I went to and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up as I felt so awkward.

I have always felt a bit of a misfit. At school, my parents were both teachers there (and not the most popular ones either!) so most people gave me a body swerve, I assume because of this. I am not a girly girl and can't chat endlessly about hair and makeup and shoes the way that some women seem to be able to. Nobody seems to want to talk about the things that I am interested in and they think I am a bit of a wierdo!!

I do have a group of friends who I have known for around 15-17 years but they are now far flung all over the world. These are people who I met at college, or flat shared with so I had a chance to really get to know them over a long period of time. I don't see myself being in that situation again for years unless I return to the workplace which I don't plan to do until ds (and future sibs) is older. Also, I have stopped drinking, so at the rare social occasions that I attend, I don't have the alcohol helping with the inhibitions.

I am just glad to see that I'm not the only one!!