Man not moving in

[Lunettesloupes]

So I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years. We are both divorced (we were separated when we met, divorced now both finalised for more than a year). We have a lovely time together - do lots, enjoy company, stay over with each other several times per week.

He first made noises about moving in with me probably 2 years ago and I resisted as I like having my own place and I didn't want to rush into anything. Also I have children. Well the children are now going off to college/uni. About a year ago DP asked me if I would consider getting married. I'm in 2 minds but I said that if he asked me that I would say yes. TBH I thought he was kind of testing the water and pretty much asking me. He said 'there would have to be a proper proposal' which is not really my thing but probably would be his. So I said 'ok but don't do anything public or embarrassing'. He says 'no no would just be the two of us' so that's fine.

So we are a year on. I kept thinking for a while that he was going to ask me and I'd kind of talked myself into it (not cos I don't love him but it's a leap of faith given I've been married before). Then he says something again about moving in with me. I give this big speech about how I'm not moving in with him unless/until we have decided to get married; otherwise I'm quite content to keep things as they are. He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

So I decide to keep it at the previous level - separate houses - I like that set up - I always enjoy seeing him, we support each other and have fun together but he doesn't get under my feet and I have my independence and my own space.

Yesterday he tells me he's just going to make a phonecall. He's inside and I'm out so I don't hear it all but I do overhear him say 'I'll need to ask Lunettesloupes'. Then later he tells me that an old neighbour was on the phone (although DP phoned him) and his son has split up with his wife and is looking to rent somewhere local to my DP. He says what do I think? I say 'it depends if you want to share your house with this guy or not'. Then he says 'I think he would want the house to himself'. The guy works on the rigs so it's 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. I say 'why do they think you have a house to rent?' and he says 'I think they have got the wrong end of the stick' (because he's occasionally let the house on AirBNB and stayed at mine). It's made me feel cross - what makes a man think he has the right to move into my house? I've told him what it would take and he seems to be trying to find another way to move in. It's not sitting well with me as I've been manipulated before.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Perhaps it's AIBU...perhaps it's what should I do? Perhaps it's should I let this man go and find someone who wants to move in with him?

I over reacted in the sense that he wouldn’t have actually arranged anything without my agreement

But that wasn’t what you were reacting to. You were reacting to the fact that he wasn’t being straight with you.

I am clearly getting over invested in your thread. I too have an almost pathological need to call people out on not being open and honest.

Thank you polka I hate that too...it’s much worse that anything else he might have done. I am quite brave and honest if nothing else and I like that in others. I don’t mind being called out and criticised or found to be wrong but it upsets me to be lied to.

Swing is, erm, coming across as very invested in this hmm
Not, just totally seeing things from his point of view. I think OP wants things her way and her way only, but twist in a way to make it that he is the one being unreasonable.

The guy didn't arrange anything, didn't tell OP that he was moving in with her, but OP decided that through a quick phonecall, he had concocted a whole plan that involved going against her wishes, and yes, I do think the anger is not about this but about him not going ahead with asking OP to marry her.

I could be wrong of course and do hope OP can sort it out with him because I think it would be very sad to end a relationship when clearly love is there on both sides.

I’m reflecting on what you’re saying swing. You’re right I was hurt that he didn’t say anything after I discussed the moving in/marriage/happily keep things as they are because it was a big thing for me to even consider anything like that and I felt I wasn’t listened too. Not that it had to be my way, but that he didn’t join in a discussion. I can be talked around to things and willing to compromise but only if I’m involved in the discussion. He could have said ‘I see what you’re saying I never want to get married again’ or ‘ok well let’s keep things as they are’ or ‘I would prefer if we lived together say for a year with a view to getting married/engaged then’ or even ‘are you crazy - move in with me you nutter’ but he said nothing at all. Then this...so yes, it made me feel angry when I felt (rightly or wrongly or perhaps not completely but to an extent) that he was making, albeit tentative and early stage, arrangements to move in a lodger.

my problem with his behaviour is the ambiguity. he hints he wants to get married. hints he wants to move in. hints that his friend might want his house. hints bloody hints.

what that buys him is the ability to about turn and deny if he wants.

he's not actually committing to any view point or even discussing it.

you otoh have been very upfront and clear.

his 'i know' comment about marriage and then fucking off to bed was pretty grim. what was the point of that?

I was just coming by to mention the same as eddie, he knows you want a proposal, he sort of hints that he might be about to and then acts as if it's never even been discussed...

I think he's a passive aggressive conflict avoider and he's trying to keep the status quo until it benefits him. You are quite entitled to not want someone to move in unless you have a promise of/the actuality of marriage and the protection of your financial position.

Tell him that the moving in is not the core of the matter but that you really want marriage and you need to know clearly and in all honesty if he feels the same.

I get the instinct that he does but want to hear it directly from you rather than indirectly by saying you don't want him to move in.

If you are going to marry you indeed need to feel that you can be totally honest about your feelings without thinking that it makes you vulnerable.

He’s effectively shut me down tbh. I tried explaining my position and he’s pretty much gone away.

Let him go then. It would not be a good thing to live with someone who treats you like this, married or not.

no I’m not going to say anything else to him about it until/unless he comes to me to speak frankly himself. I’ve had enough hints and I’ve tried the direct approach several times. It’s exhausting and very confusing and I always seem to come out worse for it. I really don’t want to feel like this forever so no, I won’t be telling him I want to get married.

i don't get the sense that you want to marry him. sounds like you're happy living on your own.