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Relationships

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Original poster

Man not moving in

136 replies

Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 10:29

So I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years. We are both divorced (we were separated when we met, divorced now both finalised for more than a year). We have a lovely time together - do lots, enjoy company, stay over with each other several times per week.

He first made noises about moving in with me probably 2 years ago and I resisted as I like having my own place and I didn't want to rush into anything. Also I have children. Well the children are now going off to college/uni. About a year ago DP asked me if I would consider getting married. I'm in 2 minds but I said that if he asked me that I would say yes. TBH I thought he was kind of testing the water and pretty much asking me. He said 'there would have to be a proper proposal' which is not really my thing but probably would be his. So I said 'ok but don't do anything public or embarrassing'. He says 'no no would just be the two of us' so that's fine.

So we are a year on. I kept thinking for a while that he was going to ask me and I'd kind of talked myself into it (not cos I don't love him but it's a leap of faith given I've been married before). Then he says something again about moving in with me. I give this big speech about how I'm not moving in with him unless/until we have decided to get married; otherwise I'm quite content to keep things as they are. He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

So I decide to keep it at the previous level - separate houses - I like that set up - I always enjoy seeing him, we support each other and have fun together but he doesn't get under my feet and I have my independence and my own space.

Yesterday he tells me he's just going to make a phonecall. He's inside and I'm out so I don't hear it all but I do overhear him say 'I'll need to ask Lunettesloupes'. Then later he tells me that an old neighbour was on the phone (although DP phoned him) and his son has split up with his wife and is looking to rent somewhere local to my DP. He says what do I think? I say 'it depends if you want to share your house with this guy or not'. Then he says 'I think he would want the house to himself'. The guy works on the rigs so it's 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. I say 'why do they think you have a house to rent?' and he says 'I think they have got the wrong end of the stick' (because he's occasionally let the house on AirBNB and stayed at mine). It's made me feel cross - what makes a man think he has the right to move into my house? I've told him what it would take and he seems to be trying to find another way to move in. It's not sitting well with me as I've been manipulated before.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Perhaps it's AIBU...perhaps it's what should I do? Perhaps it's should I let this man go and find someone who wants to move in with him?

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 23/05/2018 08:20

I am not hearing any trust or open conversation here. Just suspicion and mistrust and assumption. What if you’ve got this wrong, OP?

After divorce, live-apart relationships can be great. But they can also provide an illusion of partnership which feels safer where people don’t have both feet in the relationship, emotionally.

Marriage and cohabiting is a risk. Love is a risk. There is no way around it. It sounds as though neither of you are going to risk it.

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 08:49

It's a pity that you are likely both very much in love and wanting to commit somehow but your insecurities and pride are taking you in the opposite direction.

Commitment is scary but it sounds like you've reached the point where you'll either to take the plunge or move on.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/05/2018 08:50

This is why I asked whether he was passive. I think he wants to move in with you but he knows you are ambivalent. Rather than come out and say 'let's talk about what happens if we move in together' he's trying to engineer a situation where you say 'oh, I suppose you'd better move in with me then, can't see you out on the streets can we, ha ha!'

So he's trying to put the onus on you to make the decision. He cannot talk about it. He just can't.

It's a set up. You just need to know how to deal with it now.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 10:24

Ok so he’s texted me saying that he doesn’t disrespect me or take the relationship for granted. I’ve acknowledged that and apologised for backing him into a corner and for jumping to conclusions. I’ve said again I felt tricked and I’d rather have an open convo about pros, cons or moving in together and whether that might suit him, me, both, neither. Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:

AuntyElle · 23/05/2018 10:37

He does sound manipulative. And certainly not straight-forward. I don’t know why you’ve had a hard time on here, OP, as you sound very matter of fact and clear about what you want and are prepared to do.

Going back a bit, what on earth was this about?
He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

??? And that after he has already checked you’d say yes if he asked you to marry him. And then never did? That seems cowardly and so passive agressive. And lacking in respect for you.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 16:47

Yes the position now is that he is saying that he's been resigned to not living with me for some time and I've been clear about that. I was completely confrontational and repeatedly challenged his replies. He says he's entitled to disagree with me and was right to do so. He's got no hidden agenda and has only ever been loving and supportive.

I feel so bad about this - do I get over myself or is this a red flag that I can never raise any objection to anything?

OP posts:

PolkaHots · 23/05/2018 16:49

Of course you challenged his replies, he wasn’t being straight with you!

Well of this is the only time this has happened I’m not sure I would call it a red flag, but I would proceed with caution.

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 16:51

You've got a man who loves you and who makes you happy, so put it behind you. He's made it clear now, he is fine not moving in with you.

The question now is how you feel about it. Are you ok with the relationship staying as it is, or do you deep inside wish you were married to him and therefore upset that he has opted for the status quo rather than making the move to ask you to marry him?

If the first, then all is fine, no need to bring this up again. If the former, you need to think about it and how you are going to let him know that what you really want is to be married to him.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 16:52

AuntieElle that's how I feel - I feel like he dangled the marriage thing in front of me, encouraged me to agree in all sorts of ways (romantic songs, meaningful horoscopes, hints, discussion about the future etc) and then he's pulled it away and meanwhile tried to slide in to living in my house. The whole thing is such a head-fuck.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 16:55

SoT - I'm a way off wishing for marriage now. It's a year since he brought that up...and months since I brought it up again. I'm wondering now if I can stay with a man who lies and denies his way out of conflict and who is happy to let me take all the blame.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 17:03

Personally, if my partner had given me the ultimatum of marry me or forget moving in together, however much I loved him, I would have taken that same option because in my views, it's a very controlling, inflexible demand.

We all interpret things differently, but maybe he felt about it the way I would have however much he would very much like to marry you.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 17:14

It wasn’t an ultimatum I just said that I would only want to move in together if and when we decided to get married. He was the one who brought up marriage in the first place.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 17:33

But it IS an ultimatum. What's the difference between saying 'I would only move with you when we decide to get married' and 'I won't move with you unless we decide to get married'?

You can word it as you want but the message remains the same: you are not prepared to move in with him unless marriage comes with it.

It is your right to feel this way, but you can't be resentful of him for opting for status quo if he himself doesn't want to decide to marry unless you have lived together for some time.

What it sounds like is you growing resentful of him because he is not going along with your wishes, even though doing so would mean going against his.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 18:24

No, what I don’t like is when we have agreed to not live together he starts making arrangements with someone that involve him moving in with me.

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 23/05/2018 18:55

But he said it was a misunderstanding. He didn’t ask to move in. He has apologised. And now you are back home stewing on it and feeling resentful. All very hard work. What’s needed is to clear the air and an honest conversation about what each of you DOES want. Surely? Or am I missing something?

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 20:32

He actually hasn’t apologised - he still denies it or any responsibility. He accepted my apology for over-reacting. I feel now that I probably did over-react, however I don’t regret standing my ground in relation to who lives in my house.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 20:39

So you confronted him, he explained, you apologised for over reacting and you are both clear that you're on the same page and that you don't want him to move in and has no plan on doing so. So surely all is good and you can resume your relationship?

Yet it sounds like all is not well from your perspective and you seem angry which leads me to think that what you'd hope is that he admitted he had started to think seriously of moving in with and therefore was ready to consider marriage and you are disappointed that it wasn't his intention.

It really does sound like you are both being stubborn and playing games.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 20:41

No not that. I was annoyed that he started to organise someone to move into his house and therefore my house without consulting me and the clearly and obviously lied about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 20:44

I feel that although he clearly did rely on a ‘deny everything’ defence, I over reacted in the sense that he wouldn’t have actually arranged anything without my agreement.

OP posts:

AuntyElle · 23/05/2018 20:51

fwiw, Lunette, I get why you’re upset and reevaluating the relationship.
If you’d posted just that weird lead up to a non-proposal on here, people would be saying that it was awful behaviour on his part and a big red flag. But now some PPs are suggesting you’re controlling, seemingly for knowing what you want and being keen not to be manipulated into a situation you don’t want?

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 21:07

Thank you very much auntieElle. My RL friend who has been away on hols and knows the full story and both of us is advising me to tell him
to do one.

OP posts:

TemptressofWaikiki · 23/05/2018 21:09

Think you're instincts were right though OP. He comes across as manipulative in his behaviour. He has the potential makings of a cock lodger.

AuntyElle · 23/05/2018 21:09

Also, I don’t see how you ‘backed him into a corner’? He acted oddly and seemed to be clumsily attempting a sideways route to get something you have expressly said you didn’t want. You called him out on that. If he panicked and lied that is his responsibility, not yours.
Swing is, erm, coming across as very invested in this .

HipsterAssassin · 23/05/2018 21:15

Are you and he not talking? What’s the current situation? When are you seeing him? Are you thinking of telling him to do one? Do you think he is after someone to do the domestic drudge etc?

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 23/05/2018 21:50

He’s effectively shut me down tbh. I tried explaining my position and he’s pretty much gone away.

OP posts:

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