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Original poster

Man not moving in

136 replies

Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 10:29

So I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years. We are both divorced (we were separated when we met, divorced now both finalised for more than a year). We have a lovely time together - do lots, enjoy company, stay over with each other several times per week.

He first made noises about moving in with me probably 2 years ago and I resisted as I like having my own place and I didn't want to rush into anything. Also I have children. Well the children are now going off to college/uni. About a year ago DP asked me if I would consider getting married. I'm in 2 minds but I said that if he asked me that I would say yes. TBH I thought he was kind of testing the water and pretty much asking me. He said 'there would have to be a proper proposal' which is not really my thing but probably would be his. So I said 'ok but don't do anything public or embarrassing'. He says 'no no would just be the two of us' so that's fine.

So we are a year on. I kept thinking for a while that he was going to ask me and I'd kind of talked myself into it (not cos I don't love him but it's a leap of faith given I've been married before). Then he says something again about moving in with me. I give this big speech about how I'm not moving in with him unless/until we have decided to get married; otherwise I'm quite content to keep things as they are. He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

So I decide to keep it at the previous level - separate houses - I like that set up - I always enjoy seeing him, we support each other and have fun together but he doesn't get under my feet and I have my independence and my own space.

Yesterday he tells me he's just going to make a phonecall. He's inside and I'm out so I don't hear it all but I do overhear him say 'I'll need to ask Lunettesloupes'. Then later he tells me that an old neighbour was on the phone (although DP phoned him) and his son has split up with his wife and is looking to rent somewhere local to my DP. He says what do I think? I say 'it depends if you want to share your house with this guy or not'. Then he says 'I think he would want the house to himself'. The guy works on the rigs so it's 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. I say 'why do they think you have a house to rent?' and he says 'I think they have got the wrong end of the stick' (because he's occasionally let the house on AirBNB and stayed at mine). It's made me feel cross - what makes a man think he has the right to move into my house? I've told him what it would take and he seems to be trying to find another way to move in. It's not sitting well with me as I've been manipulated before.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Perhaps it's AIBU...perhaps it's what should I do? Perhaps it's should I let this man go and find someone who wants to move in with him?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 21/05/2018 16:43

Is it unreasonable to not live together or not live together until/unless marriage is on the cards?
TBH I think all the couples we know who live together are married...it's not unusual.

It's not unusual to not want to get married or to never want to live with a partner. All I was saying was that I think if you want to marry someone, I think it's better to know what they're like to live with first

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 16:49

I appreciate what you're saying, Trinity66 and it's sensible advice for someone who is asking 'should I live with my bf before getting married?'. However, it's not what I'm asking or something that I want. Come to think of it, DP has not suggested this as the reason he wants to move in either. Perhaps I might be more persuaded were this to be the case. I'm not a completely unreasonable person.

OP posts:
Buckingfrolicks · 21/05/2018 17:03

Would he be paying you rent if he moved in?

Luckyme2 · 21/05/2018 17:15

Unless he has super powers he can't move in by stealth. Tell him no. You're in control. If you want to marry him - propose.
If you don't want to marry him tell him you're happy with how things are now and he has to stay in his own house. Presumably in that scenario if he proposes you'll say no anyway (otherwise you'd propose yourself).
Either way don't be walked over. Your feelings count. You get to say whether you live with him or marry him

Adora10 · 21/05/2018 17:26

Is he trying to make money out of his property by staying with you and reaping the rent, sorry just not sure what he's actually after.

Sounds to me that him living in your own home would just be that, you'd be better buying a place together so start off as two equals rather than him being your lodger?

keepingbees · 21/05/2018 17:51

You make a point several times about enjoying your home and space, and how he doesn't get under your feet as it is.
Are you sure you would want to marry him and have him full time anyway? Everything else aside, would you want to give up that freedom and space? Because I sense you're almost putting emotional obstacles in the way to keep some control and independence. I say that in the nicest way and I don't think you are wrong in how you feel, that's just the impression I get.

HipsterAssassin · 21/05/2018 17:59

I get that sense, too, keepingbees

Have you thought about the need to keep control/put conditions in place and whether that is a defence mechanism erected after the hurt of your divorce (totally understandable, tbh I have the same thing going on), or whether you know in your heart-of-hearts you’re deep down just plain old sure you’re 100% happy keeping your own space?

I don’t really know which camp I’m in (probably a foot in each camp) so don’t blame you for not knowing.

SoapOnARoap · 21/05/2018 18:12

What’s the point in marriage here?

lifebegins50 · 21/05/2018 19:01

Remarriage is a financial risk, if you separated (and 2nd marriages have higher failure rates) then it will be splitting all assets, including savings and pensions.It will also cost you ££ to divorce.

I however think you need to focus on how you felt manipulated.Stick to your guns and watch out for any further manipulative approaches.

I think the marriage is a red herring and you have some unease about him that you can't yet articulate.

Gemini69 · 21/05/2018 19:55

I would tell him nicely that you prefer the way things are, and until things take an 'engaging/married' turn you prefer that they stay that way Flowers

Aussiebean · 21/05/2018 19:56

Everyone has different ideas of how they want a relationship to go. Marriage vspiece of paper. Live together first vs don’t.

Totally up to you what you feel comfortable with. And our opinions of what we would do means little.

What is important here is that you have a firm idea of what you want and you have communicated it him.

Now he has done something that is sneaky, puts a lot of pressure on you and goes against what you want.

Now you have to decide what to do about it.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 20:00

It would be utterly bonkers to marry this guy when you like your space and freedom. Just tell him, 'I am with happy with things as they are and our living separately.' It's BS this guy wants a whole house to rent when he's not even there 3 weeks out of 6! I knew a lot of people who worked offshore like that and if they were single they wanted to pay a minimum of rent so happy to houseshare.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 20:01

And he rang the friend, the friend didn't ring him to even ask.

PetulantPolecat · 21/05/2018 20:09

I read that as the tenant would be a lodger but for the 3 weeks “on” where he’d be home 24/7, he’d want the house to himself... so your boyfriend would come
stay at yours for 3 weeks then go back to his for 3 weeks.

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 20:11

Yes I agree that the marriage thing is something of a red herring. Except to say that I had my cards (rightly or wrongly) on the table. He phoned the friend and discussed everything with him before even mentioning it to me. I don’t know what sparked the phonecall. But why would he have a house to rent? He has to live somewhere. And it ain’t with me - not without my say so. I’m actually fuming.

OP posts:
Downtheroadfirstonleft · 21/05/2018 20:23

OP I haven't seen anywhere in the thread that you particularly want to live with him, married or not. Leave things as they are??

GaraMedouar · 21/05/2018 20:27

You should be fuming. And I agree that from what you've said you'd be better off staying as you are, not getting married, and enjoying your space. Sounds perfect. I'd never want to have a man move into my house again!

yaffingale · 21/05/2018 20:32

He can live with you before you get married. It will still be your house and easier to get rid of him if it doesn't work out.

Lunde · 21/05/2018 20:51

There seems to be a lot of red flags surrounding the way that he is manipulating a "move-in by stealth" when he knows that you don't want this.

I find it incredible that he even discussed renting out his house, and moving in with you, with a 3rd party without discussing it with you! How does he propose the financial arrangement would work? Does he get to keep all the rental money?

TBH you sound as though you are not keen to live with him even if married. It sounds as though you like the relationship you have with separate places - and that is OK. You don't have to live with him - but I think you need to have a more honest discussion regarding how you see the relationship.

But don't let him manipulate you into allowing him to move in - it sounds as though he is more interested in the financial benefits to him rather than the mutual relationship benefits to both of you.

Sunbeam18 · 21/05/2018 21:45

You were very non committal about marriage in the beginning but now you have made that the condition upon which he could move in ( is it maybe because he didn't ask, after suggesting he would?).
Have a good think about whether you do want to marry this guy (or live with him) - it doesn't sound like you do.

expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 21:57

'He phoned the friend and discussed everything with him before even mentioning it to me.'

Yeah, and then tried to put you on the spot with 'I have to ask Lunette,' and the 'I think he wants a whole house' malarkey. He wants to get his feet under your table, rent out his house and keep the money is my guess (when he stayed at yours when he let his on AirB&B, did he pay you digs?).

Just drop the getting married bit. Honestly, just don't live with him!

Just tell him, 'I'm happy as we are now not living together.'

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 22:09

He did give me money when he did AirBnB. However, when I’ve discussed a theoretical situation of combining assets and cutting out a mortgage he seems set on keeping a house to rent out.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/05/2018 22:54

'However, when I’ve discussed a theoretical situation of combining assets and cutting out a mortgage he seems set on keeping a house to rent out.'

I would be, too. Sorry, but I wouldn't want to combine assets again with someone. FAR too risky later on in life and vast potential to fuck up my kid's inheritance. He's telling you he doesn't want to do this. Or get married. You don't sound like you are that enthusiastic about it, either.

didsomeonesaybunny · 21/05/2018 23:00

I agree OP - he should only move in if he’s willing to show some commitment to you, it can’t be for his financial benefit alone. Relationships built on convenience never last so unless he’s willing to propose I would stick to how things are.

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2018 23:08

If it's not broken don't fix it. I can't see any benefit to you if he moves in. Just another person to cook and clean for