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Relationships

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Original poster

Man not moving in

136 replies

Lunettesloupes · 21/05/2018 10:29

So I have been seeing a guy for nearly 3 years. We are both divorced (we were separated when we met, divorced now both finalised for more than a year). We have a lovely time together - do lots, enjoy company, stay over with each other several times per week.

He first made noises about moving in with me probably 2 years ago and I resisted as I like having my own place and I didn't want to rush into anything. Also I have children. Well the children are now going off to college/uni. About a year ago DP asked me if I would consider getting married. I'm in 2 minds but I said that if he asked me that I would say yes. TBH I thought he was kind of testing the water and pretty much asking me. He said 'there would have to be a proper proposal' which is not really my thing but probably would be his. So I said 'ok but don't do anything public or embarrassing'. He says 'no no would just be the two of us' so that's fine.

So we are a year on. I kept thinking for a while that he was going to ask me and I'd kind of talked myself into it (not cos I don't love him but it's a leap of faith given I've been married before). Then he says something again about moving in with me. I give this big speech about how I'm not moving in with him unless/until we have decided to get married; otherwise I'm quite content to keep things as they are. He says 'well done' and then I say 'I think you should say something now'. He says 'I know' and then decides to go to bed.

So I decide to keep it at the previous level - separate houses - I like that set up - I always enjoy seeing him, we support each other and have fun together but he doesn't get under my feet and I have my independence and my own space.

Yesterday he tells me he's just going to make a phonecall. He's inside and I'm out so I don't hear it all but I do overhear him say 'I'll need to ask Lunettesloupes'. Then later he tells me that an old neighbour was on the phone (although DP phoned him) and his son has split up with his wife and is looking to rent somewhere local to my DP. He says what do I think? I say 'it depends if you want to share your house with this guy or not'. Then he says 'I think he would want the house to himself'. The guy works on the rigs so it's 3 weeks on 3 weeks off. I say 'why do they think you have a house to rent?' and he says 'I think they have got the wrong end of the stick' (because he's occasionally let the house on AirBNB and stayed at mine). It's made me feel cross - what makes a man think he has the right to move into my house? I've told him what it would take and he seems to be trying to find another way to move in. It's not sitting well with me as I've been manipulated before.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Perhaps it's AIBU...perhaps it's what should I do? Perhaps it's should I let this man go and find someone who wants to move in with him?

OP posts:

BettyBaggins · 21/05/2018 23:20

Protecting your kids inheritance sounds wiser than telling him you he can live with you if you marry tbh!

MistressDeeCee · 21/05/2018 23:57

But he approached you re getting married and you were faffing, to the point of even fussing about how the proposal would be! Why would it sound to him like you were interested in marriage? No way should he be trying to move in now but to be honest there are mixed signals on both sides.

You're better off staying as you are. Let him share with this guy. At least everyone knows where they stand then.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 07:27

I wouldn’t say I was faffing mistress - I agreed straight away. It was he who said about the proposal - last time I got married my ex and I just agreed between us. There wasn’t ‘a proposal’ as such and that suited me fine.

OP posts:

NoKnownFather · 22/05/2018 08:00

OP I wouldn't like to be treated like that either and wouldn't allow him to move in. I think it's time to be blunt and tell him NO it's not what you want and if he isn't happy with your decision, then end the relationship. He has gone behind your back and arranged a tenant for his house....that, in itself would be enough for me to end the relationship right now.

It's your house, it is NOT what you want, so tell him it's a big NO!! (end of story). Time to put on your big girl pants and stand on your own two feet!!

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 08:22

I said no straight away NKF - I didn’t entertain the idea. I don’t think it had got as far as arranging a tenant. I think it was probably a mixed message about him sometimes doing AirBNB getting translated as renting out his house.

Having said that the other thing that riled me was that he said ‘I can’t rent my house out full time because my mortgage/insurance won’t cover it’.

I nipped it in the bud which is fine. Feeling angry came later - I sometimes find this happens to me. I deal with the situation then there’s a ‘wtf happened?’ afterwards.

I saw him last night but didn’t talk about it. Partly cos my DD came in and was needing a bit of support with college work.

OP posts:

GreenItWas · 22/05/2018 08:45

He's trying to arrange things for himself for his own comfort only. You have told him up with which you will not put and still......this!
You are right to stay as you are OP. If he knows you want marriage and he still appears to not want that but to cherry pick the best bits, it would be a no and goodbye from me.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 12:00

Do protect ypur children's inheritance whatever you do.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 12:05

I get what you're all saying about inheritance but I'm only in my 40s - I'm hoping for a bit of life before that's an issue. I haven't had MY inheritance yet!! Is everyone saying to never re-marry?

OP posts:

user1486956786 · 22/05/2018 12:14

Good on you for knowing what you want and standing your ground. If he was at yours most nights of the week to the point it was becoming so inconvenient for him and silly for him to be paying his mortgage if not living at his then yes, I'd say it's probably time to look at moving in, but you aren't at that stage. And you are happy as is. Don't fix what isn't broken! I live with my partner, absolutely no desire to buy house together or get married yet, I love our life just the way it is! (I'm late 20's). To be honest, if I was ever single again, it would take years before I'd consider moving in with someone, I love my space and miss it. As it sounds like you are on different pages, id just be honest with him and say not yet! And you can still be married and not even live together, there are no rules.

PolkaHots · 22/05/2018 12:28

You haven't said a single word that makes me think you actually want to marry/live with him!

Everything you've said implies you're very happy with the status quo.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 12:42

Well, I think one question that this answers for you is how he really feels about marriage.

He doesn't want to.

He knows you really do and it would mean the green light for living together, him renting out the house etc- all the things he wants to do.

But, instead of biting the bullet and proposing or suggesting that engagement, he is busting a gut trying every trick in the book to get into your house WITHOUT the marriage.

So, he doesn't want to marry. So the one thing I'd take away from this is that nugget of info and start thinking how you want life to move forward now you pretty much know that. Are you really happy with a long-term not-live-in partnership? You might be, you might not.

I'd also note the manipulative behaviour, speak to him about it, let him know exactly what I took from it. And let that be a consideration in future musings.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 12:49

Yes I suppose you're right FGW. I think I've been slightly strung along on that because he always makes out that it's me who is less keen but when push comes to shove he wasn't willing to make the move. Also he has dropped numerous hints.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2018 13:09

he always makes out that it's me who is less keen but when push comes to shove he wasn't willing to make the move.

so yes he's manipulative in general it seems...

...he might not be so bad to be kept at arm's length.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 22/05/2018 14:05

He is presuming an awful lot which renders you quite invisible, which you would need to be for his scheme to work. No, you are not being unreasonable. Stand your ground absolutely. That is far more important than this relationship.

His plan stinks of good old fashioned using you. He believes he has a right to do it because he thinks he can wear you down. Hinting at a proposal would put me off- it is a tease and well, degrading and humiliating.

It has been 3 years. I’d say it is “shit or get off the pot” time. He is playing a long game to have his cake/eat it. He wants the perks of marriage without the legal responsibility. Your leverage is the not living together position and he knows it. Your gut is right in that he is trying to find a way to move in around your boundary. He hasn’t proposed in a year since your marriage talk and even recently he walked out of the room to end that conversation. That is your answer.
Imho, the marriage talk is well past its “use by” date.

With the knowledge of his present manipulation, if he proposed, would you say yes?

Is he the sort of man that won’t take “no” for an answer? Is he the sort that has a great man ego that will not be told what to do by a woman- so it becomes an epic quest to win?

His friend’s son can move in with his friend. Not your circus/monkeys.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 22/05/2018 14:10

Or what Fizzy said.
Sorry for my epic post.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2018 14:25

You don't seem like you want to marry him and he doesn't want to, obviously. He wants to live at yours without marriage. So stick with the status quo.

Rosielily · 22/05/2018 14:45

I get what you're all saying about inheritance but I'm only in my 40s - I'm hoping for a bit of life before that's an issue. I haven't had MY inheritance yet!! Is everyone saying to never re-marry?

Inheritance should always be an issue. None of us know what's around the corner. Seriously.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 14:57

Thanks Andtheband - I did use the term 'shit or get off the pot' in the conversation about marriage - I felt it was probably me who should do that as much as him, at that time. My mistake was that I then waited for him to come up with a proposal that suited him etc...when of course that was never going to happen. I gave him a while before I lost interest and have been working on the assumption that I carry on with my own place and plan my future that way ever since... I thought we had agreed to continue as we were... and then this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 15:11

I don't think he's got the 'great man' ego as such. I think there is entitlement there though...or at least an assumption that moving in is the next logical step. I suppose for many people it is. If I were to change my mind it wouldn't be because someone was moving in to his place though anyway.

OP posts:

PolkaHots · 22/05/2018 15:41

Do you really want a marriage that begins with the phrase ‘shit or get off the pot’ though?

lifebegins50 · 22/05/2018 16:29

Is veryone saying to never re-marry?

I think remarriage when you have dc is a risk, add into the mix a man who has a sense of entitlement and it's a double risk.

I married after being together a long time but had pre marriage assets.Ex changed after we married and that can always happen.All my pre marriage assets went into the pot and he benefitted.
I would only marry if I was 1000% sure and I had qualified all the risks.

I think you might have a romantic view but 2nd marriages fail more frequently and could be much messier to divorce.
Do you want to be married more than you want this man?

swingofthings · 22/05/2018 17:02

As already said, you are both playing games with each other. When you do, ie. giving him an ultimatum its' marriage or nothing, and him by testing the waters as to whether you would let him move in without marrying you.

Ultimately, it sounds like you don't love him enough to be prepared to take a financial risk. When people get together and they have accumulated some level of wealth, there will always be a risk, you either take it or you don't.

Nothing wrong with discussing financial circumstances before moving in with someone and protecting yourself to some extend, but I personally find the approach or marry me or make do with what I'm prepared to give you a bit of a control thing. If I was in his shoes, it would put me off marriage even more.

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 17:05

Thanks LBA50 - I’m sorry to hear about your experience. I don’t think I do want marriage more than the man. It was a kind of leap of faith I think to want either.

polka lol I agree to an extent but it was in reference to both of us pussy-footing around, which is how it seemed to be. I am starting to see it differently - maybe I’ve been taken for a fool.

OP posts:

Luckyme2 · 22/05/2018 17:06

Do you want to marry him though OP? If so why not just propose to him?

Original poster

Lunettesloupes · 22/05/2018 17:09

so If I loved him enough I’d let him move in without any regard for my wishes?

OP posts:

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