“I don’t love you anymore”

[itsadventuretime]

Just a short question - did anyone get this speech served to them and then have their spouse turn around/take it back/go on to stay together?

lotsof ponies what does your gut say? Do you feel loved by him?

relationship his whole family is odd about emotions and showing affection. It never bothered me before because I was so taken with how helpful he is around the house! But I guess with time I realized this is how he lives - he project manages everything. What needs to get done gets done and planned in advance. No extras though. Affection? Trips? Activities? Not necessary. He treats my daughter like he’s just an educator and discipline enforcer. No silly, loving gestures. Grumpy and closed off all the time. Work comes first. I’m bubbly and positive and get excited about ice cream and want to smile and travel the world!

It’s tricky when you’re made differently like that, although from the couple counselling we did, there will have been good reasons why you picked each other in terms of your qualities complementing each other, especially in terms of raising children.

We had a big chat tonight, too much to really summarise adequately here, but suffice to say we both agreed we need to shit or get off the pot. Pardon the phrase.

My fear is that things aren’t fixable. However, we are both going to think about what we want and whether we have reserves to dig deep and make an effort with each other and our relationship.

It’s also crossed my mind that no relationship is perfect, and, dare I say sometimes a case of better the devil you know can come into play.

Me and H are very different and I don’t think we understand each other very well....not hoped by recent lack of dialogue. do I really want to have to face a new relationship one day with someone who is equally unfathomable, or is it better to work with what you’ve got, and try to understand each other better?

Thoughts welcomed!

How are you feeling towards him? Does he still feel doubts towards you?

@Woes - I think you are perhaps asking the wrong question.

You are talking about maybe having a relationship with someone else who is ‘equally unfathomable’ .... might you be better focusing on what life would be like without your H ... you don’t need a partner to complete you and you don’t need to simply settle for something because it is the ‘devil you know’!

I don’t really know how I feel, hard to see wood for trees. Having discussed things I realise I have high expectations of a relationship and these have been hard for him to live up to.

I can’t say for sure that I love him, but in terms of life without him - I really value the family unit and my DC having parents together. I know that isn’t a reason to stay with someone you don’t love, and is especially unpopular on MN.

That said there are some interesting posts towards the end of the recovering from an affair thread....basically saying why make you life more difficult just because you’ve been hurt. Controversial maybe but I can see the point.

If it wasn’t for the kids we’d definitely have split by now.

itsadventure time yes he still has major doubts. It’s not good.

Have you heard from your partner itsadventuretime ? Other women in your shoes might be wondering if he’d use the opportunity to stray....? Do you think he would?

We spoke about some of the practicalities of splitting - ie he would move out, and he/we said, maybe giving that some more though is required both because if that’s what happens it needs some planning and, otherwise, it just might be the rocket up our arse when we realise the reality of splitting....

relationship no word from him today, but I’m not gonna stress about it. Trying to figure out what I want. Am I holding on to him for the right reasons? I honestly have no clue. Like you say, I’m not sure my expectations of him are feasible anyway. He did too much damage.

I don’t believe in throwing away a marriage without giving your partner at least ONE chance to fix things together. Through better or worse, right? He wants to leave because he’s bored of me? Then put your balls where your mouth is.
If it is an OW, then he doesn't want to leave because he's bored of you. He's considering leaving because he's hugely excited about the new love of his life. The illicit nature of an affair makes it totally thrilling, especially when you've been in a long-term relationship, and you are convinced that this is The One and forget you ever thought that about your wife; you think this is different. Until that moment you might have been fine with your life, but that goes out the window: this new opportunity makes the grass on this side look grey by comparison. But the final scraps of conscience and rational pragmatism that you have banished to the back of your brain tell you that you should wait a bit longer and make absolutely sure before you end your marriage. So it's not that you were bored with your wife, and at this point you are only just starting to consider leaving her.

Be warned that at this point, if this is an affair and not really boredom, the next step is to start thinking about all the reasons why you should leave your wife, or at least why it is OK to be having an affair, so be prepared to have him come up with every negative thing he can remember from the moment you met until today, and claim that it has left him mentally scarred and he is your victim.

ravenmum he’s following the script to a T so far, we’ve already covered how he had to change himself immensely to suit my needs, because he was afraid if he didn’t I would leave him. And now he resents me for it.

Op he doesnt want you to leave because he hasnt finished deciding yet. She may still need to tell her dh (she might not want to), the reality of maintenence payments are kicking in. If he can have an affair it isnt you as a partner he is scared of losing but the status quo in general. So many women trust them to do the right thing but now is the time you should be getting your ducks in a row as he will turn into a total bastard once he leaves for an ow and deny anything he promised. You do not know him, he is a stranger who had what you had with someone else x

He’s a stranger whether there is an OW or not. That’s for sure. The man I married and trusted to have a child with would never act like this. Sometimes I pretend to myself I’m a widow.
This afternoon I caught up with friends of ours who just separated, their DD is our DDs best friend. What they are going through is excruciating. I can’t inderstand how grown men can be so selfish and irresponsible.

My ex came to me later all sad that he had "broken up our family", but as I told him, many families break up. My mum and dad did. That isn't the reason why I have lost all respect for him. I lost respect because of the mind games he played before he left, blaming me for his cold behaviour, conducting the affair obviously enough that even the kids noticed and started to play detective, telling OW that I forced him to marry and have children, denying every other positive aspect of our lives together for the previous 20 years, and making me have to go to an STD clinic to get checked out. Those are the things I hold against him, not the fact that he broke up our marriage. After that behaviour, to be honest the separation was a relief to everyone. The kids perked up a whole lot after he'd gone and the healing process could begin.

People break up all the time, it's not ideal but it's manageable and both sides can make choices. It's how you go about breaking up your marriage that is the key issue. Spending ages cheating and passing the blame, or admitting your errors and making a clean break: very different.

I’m having a really bad day. Oscillating between “throw him out” and “just stop caring”. Between “he’s clearly cheating” and “what did I do to deserve this”. I feel so completely out of control. I keep telling myself to be brave and think long term - I will never trust him again, ever. I’m aware I can’t live like this no matter what he does/wants.

Yes, i was told he 'loved me but wasnt in love with me'. Then a bit later on, as previously mentioned, it was the' I dont know what I want line.'

Like a fool I stepped up being a better wife, as of course it was all my fault.

2 years after that he moved out.

We got divorced this year.

Prior to being told that, he had had an affair. The 'I dont love you' came 6 years after the affair.

Now you see why I actively post to move on as soon as you know it is over. Hanging about and staying for everyone else and the children is soul destroying. I was not in a good place mentally because of him.

I am happily single now and have no intentions of getting into another relationship.

I have a daughter and I try to instill in her in the day to day lessons that she learns, is the fact that she doesnt need a man in her life to further herself. We manage just fine, and I so wish that I could have been taught that when I was a young girl.

I can relate to so many of these previous posts.

It is a horrible time, being in limbo. It does take ages to work out what you want from your new future.
Have you thought about a separation during this "thinking it over" time?

I really don’t believe in temporary separation as a solution. It’s either in or out in my opinion. That’s just something that doesn’t work for me. Truly, the moment he leaves I’m doing everything possible to move on. I’m not gonna wait for him to decide my fate - from afar. At least now I still feel like we’re kind of in this misery together. I feel so dumb sometimes - I know from so many answers here how the story ends. How stupid to just delay the inevitable. But I’m not ready to be the one to pull the plug. Yet.

Hi, Today is my wedding anniversary 9 years, I have not been given any cards or flowers or even a hello this am. Yesterday he went upstairs for a little sleep during the day because he wasn't feeling well and tired. Well hello, I have been up since 6am I have a filthy cold and cough, but can I go to bed and sleep no, can I be tired and feel like c... no. Men honestly. When he woke up two hours later I spoke to him about it, his response was "well that's just me, I had to have a lay down, i haven't been sleeping very well". I haven't had sleep properly in 7 years, every cough or bang and i am awake wondering if he is okay. When you have kids you haven't got time to be ill. I've made my mind up after crying my eyes out last night and splitting headache this am, I am going through with the divorce. I can't do anything about it for the next week as kids on holiday but once they go back the paperwork will be going through and that will be it. Let the fireworks off and watch the s... hit the fan.

CF43 Are you feeling strong? I'm here if you need support.

All, I need some advice. This morning something weird happened. I woke up and said to myself "enough". So when he came out of the shower, I told him not to come back home tonight, and that I am completely done. His face fell and he panicked. He said the oddest thing, almost shaking "Why?! What did I do? What did I do? Why now, I was gonna get the steak we talked about to put it on the grill. What did I do?!". At that moment our daughter came in, ready to go to school. He turned super friendly and affectionate with her, almost desperate, like he hadn't been in months. He gave her a big hug, then watched her close her sandals for two minutes like his life depended on it. After she left, he came back to me and said "Why now? What did I do? I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. Why didn't you tell me this last night when you came home? Do you think I did something bad?"

Why would a person who's been completely indifferent to me lose it like this? He went totally soft.

Is it maybe because you are taking control? Up until now it's been (at least in his head) up to him if he leaves or stays, and now you're are showing that you have a line of your own?

He's basically shit scared that it's out of his hands, and his cushy little vascillating number is up.

Because you’ve taken control.. this happened with my ex. One day I woke up, same as you, and thought ‘I’m done with this shit’ and told him to go. Exactly the same reaction as your dh.

I think it’s panic on their part, as youve basically called his bluff. Regardless if ow or not, he’s not quite made his mind up yet, and was counting on being able to call the shots and you’d simply toe the line for as long as he wanted you to. Maybe reality has kicked in? I doubt that tho, because if you go back on it now, he’ll drag it out again, once the dust settles.

Good on you OP, you’ll be so much happier now you’ve got control

His reaction totally threw me off. My head is in pieces. I’m so terrified and confused. It felt like he was scared I found something out.

I think they've got a point, he's got scared up till now it's been how far can I push, now he's shoved you too far he's back tracking and trying to be nice. At the end of the day men have a easy life as we normally do everything for them and then they get scared as it's going to be down to them. I have to go on holiday with his guy and i am only doing it for my son he deserves a holiday even if his usless d is going to be there too. This morning my son was happy and full of life and when i asked him what it was making him happy he said, you've made your mind up mum and i can't be happier to see you start smiling again. sob when did he start to grow up.

It does sound like he was asking whether you had found something out, doesn't it? In that moment he probably realised he would really have to go, and had a moment of panic.