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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“I don’t love you anymore”

131 replies

itsadventuretime · 20/05/2018 19:24

Just a short question - did anyone get this speech served to them and then have their spouse turn around/take it back/go on to stay together?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsadventuretime · 23/05/2018 09:36

This article made me laugh a lot and wonder if I would be strong enough to detach with him still there mobile.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=all

He said his therapist asked him why he thinks he feels like this towards me, if I did something to him, and he still has no clue why. I personally think he just focused on work and growing at work so much, our marriage and family just faded in the background and is not a priority anymore. He constantly gets upgraded at work, where is the upgrade at home?

OP posts:
booboo24 · 23/05/2018 09:49

Chavtastic it worked pretty well for 22 years! maybe it was because we got together so young.... I did have my friends too, he wasn't my only one! However I couldn't be with someone I would not call a friend.

Neverexpected2 · 23/05/2018 09:58

No, he left after that speech and OW materialised pretty quickly - 10 days after moving out in fact Angry

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 09:58

There's an OW - almost guaranteed!!!
Please take back control of your own life and your own destiny.
Why would you want to be someone who doesn't love you!?
If he wont' leave then you will need to.
Do it sooner rather than later.
Living in limbo is soul destroying and each day gets worse.
Do this for yourself and for your DD.
Life is way too short to live it another day like this!!!

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 23/05/2018 10:04

Hellsbells I know you’re right. I keep chickening out and I don’t even know why. He is miserable and making me miserable too. Please help. I need a kick in the behind.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 11:03

You don't need a kick.
You need a bit of time for it to all sink in.
This is a huge shock and a massive step that will change your life forever.
It's hard to do.

We all understand that.
So take your time but get a plan in place.
It will make you feel a bit more in control.
Flowers it's just such a shit time!

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/05/2018 11:04

I think you need to say to him 'you might not know, but I do, this is over.' And stick to it. Even if it means living in the same house for a while until everything is sorted, start leading a separate life.

As it is, where is his incentive to reach a decision? You are giving him all the power over you - and you need to take it back.

5LeafClover · 23/05/2018 12:01

Sorry you are going through this OP. I don't know if there is an OW or not but it sounds like you would like (and deserve) clarity. He is not giving you this because it's more in his interest to keep you hanging on ( and probably doing wife work while you do). But is this in your interest? You don't need him to break your marriage vows with an OW to get angry. He broke them when he said he didn't love you. You don't 'need a kick' you need to understand that this is already not ok.

iamthrough · 23/05/2018 12:46

I said it to him - and there doesn't have to be an affair or OW involved. There was no-one else involved in my case - however 12 months down the line we are getting divorced and he now does have someone else.
Sadly I believe whether its the man or women - once you say these words out-loud there is no going back... and once you have lost your love I think that's it - very sad but it happens sadly. In this day and age women are now able to be independent - whereas in that past women would of been expected to stay in relationships regardless, now you have a choice. Take a deep breath and take back control OP - you only get one life - live it!!

sosickofthisshit · 23/05/2018 13:40

I said it to my STBXH. There is no-one else. It was just years of resentment and contempt at being taken for granted. We are officially separated now, and I feel so much happier already, and now looking to the future. I agree with iamthrough, once one party has uttered those words, the marriage is over.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/05/2018 13:41

If someone says that, then the relationship is over. That isn't necessarily a bad thing - some relationships are simply finite, some people are not suited to one another, etc.
It becomes a bit of an unethical thing when the partner (and it's usually men in heterosexual relationships who do this) then 'agonises' indefinitely, because there's someone else, but he doesn't want to lose his home comforts and/or quite likes the idea of making women compete for his dick attention.

chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 20:48

Or so they can play the good guy and say but i tried

MeMyShelfandIkea · 23/05/2018 20:57

I think the difference is with the people who said it without there being an OW/OM is that they haven't then dilly-dallied making their minds up for months on end, it's been "I don't love you anymore therefore we are over. It's the indecisiveness of your OH that indicates someone else, a choice to be made.

Sorry you're going through this, you do need to decide what you want though otherwise you'll be doing the pick me dance forevermore.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 23/05/2018 21:41

Ok, update. Tonight I told him we need to separate. I told him my timeline and conditions. He tried to have opinions on stuff, but I stopped him quite quickly. He said he can’t make this decision. He said “it feels wrong”. So I told him he can have one month, that’s it. I’m gonna use this month to plan my summer holiday alone with my daughter and train myself to enjoy myself as if he wasn’t in my life. I’ve decided it would be incredibly useful if I document things here, so I’m gonna try to keep a diary - to remind myself why I’m better off without him. I feel strong tonight. Thank you all for your input!

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 23/05/2018 22:09

OP, you don't need proof of an OW to get angry and end it. I bet there is an OW by the way. But why not end it based on his words? Call his bluff, take him seriously, tell him you can't get past this, that you owe it to yourself to be loved. Because you really do,
I was married for over twenty years when ex uttered the same words: he denied an OW, but there she was waiting in the wings whilst I blamed myself for not being lovable. They do this, weak men. They try to make us responsible for their changed feelings.
Take control, you don't need an OW to motivate ýou, you deserve to be loved, so set yourself free to find that.

Cary2012 · 23/05/2018 22:10

Cross post OP, well done for taking control. And keep posting, it'll help.

NotLinkedIn · 23/05/2018 22:13

Good decision OP! Plan your life as though he's not in it! Show him that you don't fear a future without him. I admire you. He's dithering unable to decide if he wants you or not, for three whole months! right under your nose in the same house! He won't go, he won't make a decision! what torture.

I hope you have a lovely holiday! you deserve it.

NotLinkedIn · 23/05/2018 22:15

ps, i'd also go on a short break without your dd. Get some time to yourself. Do a course in something that interests you. Personally if I get a chance I'd love to do a jewellery silversmith course. But obviously that could be anything. Just remind yourself that there's a world out there and you can fulfil a few passions as soon as you have time to discover them.

colditz · 23/05/2018 22:17

He's ended your relationship. You no longer have a relationship with a loving partner. It doesn't matter what he does now - he doesn't love you.

And you can hang around for him to change his mind,which he will not, or you can push him to her, which is where he's going anyway. YOu don't have to listen to "This feels so wrong wahhhh" because when he told you he didn't love you, he ended your obligation to emotionally support him. Tell him to shut the fuck up, that you're not interested in his opinions on what is wrong or what he thinks should happen now, and tell him to get out. You don't have to live with a man who suddenly and inexplicably doesn't love you.

rosynoses · 23/05/2018 22:21

End it. It means he's met someone else, or is thinking of meeting someone else. Take it from me my stbxh said it to me when I was 3 months pregnant with a very much planned baby. We carried on for a bit and then he ended it. Within weeks he was shagging someone else and has moved in with the OW.

thousandpapercranes · 23/05/2018 22:26

I also have to agree with Ruddy. STBX similarly focused on his work or the family business when he wasn’t at work, to the detriment of family life. We simply weren’t his priority amongst other issues. When I said those exact words, I was done, the love was gone, the trust was gone, the respect was gone and there was no way back. There wasn’t someone else. I didn’t cheat and there was no one in the background, I was simply done emotionally, mentally and physically.

Onemansoapopera · 23/05/2018 22:27

Unless I'm missing something "I dont love you anymore" means, Well, "I don't love you anymore". For whatever reason. No code, just fact? Obviously always horrible to hear so I guess it's hard to digest.

chavtasticfirebanger · 23/05/2018 22:28

Wow well done op. Ber heszshitting himself-the ow will be there but wont be betting on him turning up homeless-it will all be whirling round as you, to him, were the one sat stupid enough to let him do whatever while he planned details. Now you are planning. Brilliant!

MegFlyAway2 · 23/05/2018 22:40

Yep, and then 3 months later discovered the OW. Always someone else when a man says this out of the blue!

clumsyduck · 23/05/2018 22:45

You've done the right thing op

It doesn't matter if there is an OW or not . He may not love you anymore but ending a relationship even when you know you want to can still be hard when it's been your life for a long time but his indecision to leave still doesn't mean he loves you just that it's a hard leap to make . I say this as someone who has behaved in that exact same way .

Again, you have done the right thing !