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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“I don’t love you anymore”

131 replies

itsadventuretime · 20/05/2018 19:24

Just a short question - did anyone get this speech served to them and then have their spouse turn around/take it back/go on to stay together?

OP posts:
relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 13:32

@itsadventuretime

Wondering if you are still separating....that was the update on Wednesday, but then you said some wise stuff yesterday about choosing to love etc. I realise the two aren't incompatible but just wondering where you are at with things?

My DH said the fateful line (not sure he loves me) over 18 months ago and we are still no further on despite couples counselling. Realistically we need to split, but like others, neither of us want to look like the bad guy and it's just the path of least resistance to bumble along. It is pretty miserable at times though. Need to address. Sigh.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 13:50

ravenmum I think individual is good for us to start with, maybe we can try couples after a few sessions. He didn’t say no to it, but for now I think he really needed someone neutral to talk to by himself - and I felt the same.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 25/05/2018 13:59

In a miraculous twist of fate to reward him for being so honest about his feelings, in two days time he will meet the true love of his life. They will be so compatible that almost immediately their relationship will appear to the uneducated observer as if they've been shagging since January.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 14:01

relationship we are giving it a month and will have another check-in then. I am watching how he behaves and trying to use this time to practice living as if without him. It is so painful right now. Every second of every minute is pure pain. So here are my rules:

  • stop thinking of him as a husband, start thinking of him as just a boyfriend; seems to take the pressure off a bit
  • train myself to expect nothing from him - or expect him to treat me badly; that way I won’t be so hurt every time he doesn’t act like “before”, because “before” is gone and never coming back
  • plan a crazy cool summer holiday just with my daughter so I have something to look forward to, a holiday he would never want to go on

I’m hurting. Change hurts. But this morning he left for a stag do and DD was asking why he’s leaving and saying she will cuddle her toy turtle because she will miss him. And he just said “ Better hold it tight then.” No emotion whatsoever, he was almost mocking her. And I’m sure he’s having great fun right now, while I’m physically hurting and driving myself crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 14:03

bestzebbie very likely. He must really underestimate my brains if he thinks he can get away with that.

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Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 14:10

Ok, tell me if I’m crazy. I know the dude for 10 years. Like most men, he has this gross habit of wearing his underwear until it literally falls apart. I have to beg him to throw it away or do it myself normally. Yesterday I realized he threw away a pair just because of a half a finger rip by the elastic. And we’re talking Calvin’s here. Are we having an undergarment Renaissance?

OP posts:
relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 14:11

itsadventuretime

Yes, that is kind of what I have been doing for the last 18 months - self preservation. The problem is, even if my H now turned round and said he loved me and started to make a huge effort, I have suppressed/switched off any love or even liking of him. Sad

It's crap isn't it.

I really agree with whoever said upthread about women investing in relationships and men just not. My H doesn't even bother much with his family or long standing friends (a couple of who saw him through saw some tough times before we met, and who I suspect are disappointed in him now). Why are men so shit at this?

IrisAtwood · 25/05/2018 14:20

Ok, tell me if I’m crazy. I know the dude for 10 years. Like most men, he has this gross habit of wearing his underwear until it literally falls apart. I have to beg him to throw it away or do it myself normally. Yesterday I realized he threw away a pair just because of a half a finger rip by the elastic. And we’re talking Calvin’s here. Are we having an undergarment Renaissance?

I am sorry but this screams OW to me. Why else would he care what his underwear looks like after 10 years behaving like that with you?

MeMyShelfandIkea · 25/05/2018 14:26

The underwear thing by itself - no big deal. In context of everything else - highly suspicious IMO.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 14:28

relationship the hardest part is being casual around him. I wanna be nice and upbeat always even though he’s tense and cold, but it’s SO hard. Did you read the article I shared a few posts back?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/05/2018 14:34

I thought the post where you said you'd told him you needed to separate was it. I thought 'yay! she's done it.'

But you haven't.

You're still in exactly the same situation...?

He said he can’t make this decision.

He's missing the point. It's not his decision to make. YOU made this decision, but then you went back on it again.

Each to their own but I'm guessing in a month's time it'll be something else...

relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 14:37

itsadventuretime

Hi, just read it - I have read it before and was the approach I decided to take some time ago (kind of from the beginning in a way)....except it hasn't worked for me. She gave him 6 months. I've done 18!

But in your shoes, it's worth a try, and I hope it works out for you. As for me.... Confused Hmm

relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 14:39

greenfingers has a point.

But being the one to make that decision is hard and, arguably, rash in some circumstances, especially with children involved and various other practical points.

I haven't wanted to force the decision and regret it.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 14:45

greenfingers I want him to take responsibility for the shit he’s putting us through AND for turning our lives upside down. I have 10 million reasons to leave him for stuff he did before this even happened, but I don’t believe in throwing away a marriage without giving your partner at least ONE chance to fix things together. Through better or worse, right? He wants to leave because he’s bored of me? Then put your balls where your mouth is. These are not my life principles and not my beliefs. The commitment I made means something to me.

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 25/05/2018 17:18

Please say you arent having sex with him?
The boxer thing is a total giveaway. Youre being so naive.

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 18:22

He is not touching me in any way, no. I might be weak for still being here but even I have my limits.

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Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 18:24

relationshipwoes have you discussed practicalities of splitting? Do you have “relationship talks* or are you both acting like he never said what he said?

OP posts:
relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 18:33

Not really discussed practicalities, although my plan is that we will in the next few weeks.

I kept instigating relationship talks and then tried not for a while to see if he would instigate - that was about 4 months ago, guess what, no instigation by him. So although I wouldn’t say we’re acting like it was never said, we do have an elephant in the room.

I’m really sick of it, and tbh, this thread is egging me on to finish it once and for all. I am planning to have a relationship talk tonight, will update.

How are you doing this evening with him away? Is your DD quite young? I have 2 DC primary age.

A failed marriage is really not what I wanted for me and my DC but I guess everyone says that.

relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 18:34

I completely missed all that but about the boxer shorts, that is a bit suspect. Have you done any digging around OW possibility?

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 18:41

relationshipwoes I did. He denies repeatedly, but I don’t have access to his phone... it’s a possibility. He’s away for the weekend at his brother’s stag do. He just texted me a picture of them and said they’re taking care of each other and having fun. My DD is 7 and adores him. I’ve been so sad today. 18 months, wow. You’re a hero. I’m gonna stop instigating now too and just observe. But quietly trying to detach. It’s hard though.

OP posts:
relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 18:42

Hero or stupid Hmm

chavtasticfirebanger · 25/05/2018 18:43

Youre not weak op. It truly is hard x

Original poster
itsadventuretime · 25/05/2018 18:48

relationshipwoes if anyone understands you, it’s me. I keep making lists of all the ways he limits my life and moments where I just thought he acted like he has no emotions (some linked to my daughter sadly) and I get angry for a few hours and I feel strong and determined and then he says hello in a nice voice and I stay another day.

OP posts:
relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 18:56

itsadventuretime Thank you for understanding, that really means a lot actually. Practically everything you have said has resonated with my situation, including the bit about H being unemotional.

Out of interest, would you say his brother lacks in emotion? I have observed it runs in my H’s family.

In what ways do you think he limits your life? I’m not sure I feel like that, except that obviously my life is limited by not having a loving partner!

relationshipwoes · 25/05/2018 18:58

An OW would be a gift. Then I could get angrier and end this already

This x100