He just stopped loving me

[Deflatedandrejected]

Me and my husband seperated a month ago and I’m struggling.

He came home one day and just said he didn’t love me anymore didn’t want to be with me.
He said I’m not someone he sees his future with and stopped being “in” love with me months ago.

We have three children and I am devastated for the life and family that they no longer have.

I feel alone and sad all the time. The tears still haven’t stopped. He is Mr Sunshine though and super happy.
He is ready to date and build a life with someone new.

Tell me when this gets better. I can’t see any future atm and am stuck in heartache mode.

"He said he began feeling in January that he wanted more from life. He wanted to not be held down and wanted to get out more...He is giving me some money not enough but “can’t” give more as he won’t be able to live the life he wants if he gives me more."

God what an absolute SHIT! Show me the parent who DOESN'T want more time for themselves or money to spend on the things they want.

Sorry about your cheating, selfish, husband, OP. Thank fuck he'll be an ex soon. I'm sure he'll find the grass isn't greener, but it'll be some other woman putting up with his shite by then.

You will feel better. Don’t compare yourself to him, live your life and carry on being a much better person than he is. Look after your children and try & get past this upheaval xx

He doesnt get to choose how much he wants to pay you. Get the legal advice and be clear that its what you are entitled to. He is an entitled arse, a shit Dad and a nasty person. Do not make it easy for him - get angry.

I'm not sure if you work or whatever, but the general principle is that you divide all your assets in half - including house, pensions, savings etc. So determining what happens to the house is key. Then the child maintenance is calculated on the basis of how much time they spend with him. Depending on your income you may also be entitled to spousal maintenance.

ohcomeon what an odd thing to post.. This 'man' has been screwing around, abandoned the OP to do all the actual parenting and you take issue with the idea that he should be providing for the kids? I think it's fair to say that he could pay 100% of their costs but if he's not actually there doing school runs, bedtimes, wet Saturday afternoons, wet beds at 3am etc then the OP will mostly certainly also be providing for them.

OP glad you are feeling angry and strong. If you are having the kids permanently then you will be looking at more like 70%+ of the marital assets. 50/50,is the starting point but then division is based on needs and if he has no. Intention of being a resident parent your needs are far greater. Good luck

So sorry op :(

Right, you sound a lot stronger in your last post, this is good, you will need to be.

There is a very fine line between love and hate but I think due to your recent discovery, it will be much easier to be strong after seeing this man for what he truly is.

He doesn't just get to check out of family life! No bloody chance.
He has responsibilities to the 3 dc, he has to pay at least the amount suggested by CMS, regardless of how it will affect his little plans.

None of this is your fault, your children were born into a loving family, he fucked that up not you, please remember that.
Children are resilient thank god. They're also very astute and will likely know something is wrong with mummy so fake being happy until you really are. I did this. Sounds easy I know and it's not, but it works.

Your ex will realise that the grass isn't always greener and by that time you will have emotionally moved on and will be carving out a lovely life with your children.
He has shown his true colours, listen to what he's telling you, really listen.

And then let him get on with it.

You are richer than him in every sense of the word.

Very best of luck

He is giving me some money not enough but “can’t” give more as he won’t be able to live the life he wants if he gives me more."

FFS!!! What about his children being able to live the life they NEED?
Get onto CMS and get what he owes. It sounds like he doesn't want to have them overnight at all (what a cunt!) So there shouldn't be any reductions.

I feel for you OP. What a total shit.

He has legal responsibilities, he needs to be told (by a court, if it comes to it) that he can't just decide selfishly to turn the clock back to the days of being an irresponsible single lad.

You are not a fool and this is not your fault. You are being strong and looking out for yourself and your children. Sorry OP.

Now you're talking OP!
That's better.
You've found your anger.
Can you move back closer to family and friends now?
You will need their support through this.

Yes all cheaters re-write history, as you know.
And now you know about other 'women'
That's not unusual.
That what I found with my last LT relationship.
So good luck to him.
But he can't just pop round when he feels like it.
Tell him... and I mean TELL HIM when he will have them and he won't have them at yours.
He takes them to his or takes them out.
Easier in the summer, so get that put in place now.
So something like, every Monday and Thursday for 2 hours each.
That gives you time to head to the gym or out for a coffee or a walk.
And he has them every other weekend.
Don't let him duck out of his parental responsibilities.
And tell everyone today what you have discovered regarding other 'women' and dating sites.
Let him squirm and try to explain is way out of all of that.

Can you go to family this weekend for their support?

Oh and this I have given them a rubbish father
No you haven't.
He has just turned into a rubbish father.
You had no idea what he was really like.
These guys are top grade manipulators and can pull the wool over so many peoples eyes.
HE IS a rubbish father and that is not your fault.
You can only be the best mum you can.

Fuck that. He is a parent - you don't get to just turn that off and on when it suits you.

Find your anger. Get legal advice. He needs to be paying you proper maintenance. if he's down the pub every night he can afford it.

Get proper access agreed and in place.

What a shit man. You are better off without him. You will be FINE.

I don’t have any friends or family near me as we moved to The other side of the country at the beginning of the year.

Move back. Nothing like some real life support when the sh*t hits the fan.

so does the op

Eh what's your point @ohcomeon12321?
The op hasn't walked out on her children, she's not the one deciding she'll just pop round and see them when she can bother to be assed and booking weeks away with the lads.

Things turned nasty this morning I have somehow come out the bad person.
His mum thinks I must of pushed him away and didn’t give him space that he needed to live a happy life. He rang and screamed at me told me I was everything negative. That if I want to get nasty so can he. I have seeked advise and am going to file next week have also contacted CMS and things are rolling there.

Feel like I have achieved something today. I am being happy around my children. They are not going without and everyday I give them all the hugs and kisses that they will let me. They are happy where we are and don’t want to move back.

Lastnight was horrid went through and saw all the dating sites he is signed up to and how much money he has spent on them. That hurt to know he really has disregarded me.

I hope a day comes when he realizes what he let go.

Leave the kids with him. All weekend. On a frequent basis. 2 can feel the need to ‘get out more’.

God what a shit. You're be done brilliantly to get the ball rolling, just keep that determination.
No matter what he or his mum says, he chose to cheat and then leave.

I'd be a cow and screenshot the dating profiles and send them to his mum. Let her know what her perfect, hard done by son has been up to!

You've*

" He rang and screamed at me told me I was everything negative. That if I want to get nasty so can he."
"Last night was horrid went through and saw all the dating sites he is signed up to and how much money he has spent on them."

Keep that in mind, write it up in big letters on a sign on the fridge if it helps you remember. When the lawyer process really starts going and he is messaging you shouting/sobbing about how you're a heartless bitch and he cant afford to pay half of what the lawyers are asking for, and you start to wonder if you're being to hard or too mean - go back and read the sign again. Hes brought all of this on himself, all of it.

I’ve screen shot everything he doesn’t know I have it but it’s evidence. I really want to just send everything over to him but then I think I shouldn’t I should just go no contact now unless it’s to do with the children.

I can’t just say you have the kids every weekend or other weekend he doesn’t want them. I’m not going to take them to a place that they are not welcome or are just left to entertain themselves.

I am constantly up and down and just count the hours till bedtime even then I just lie awake. Thinking where did it all go so wrong.

It's not easy when one parent just decides they can't be assed, you certainly can't force him to be a decent dad.
All you can do now is make sure he provides financially, he doesn't get to walk away Scott free.
It's early days, be kind to yourself.

I’ve screen shot everything he doesn’t know I have it but it’s evidence. I really want to just send everything over to him but then I think I shouldn’t I should just go no contact now unless it’s to do with the children.

Well done, OP, good work. Yes, think NC is the best option for now.

Wow you have achieved a lot today. And you can tell your MiL to do one... interfering old bag!

You're doing brilliantly. If you can get access to any financial stuff eg payslips or pension statements then do. The in-laws are tricky.. Its most likely they will 'side' with him but if hes not planning of having the kids often then it's likely she'll not see much of them either unless she is at least civil with you. Please do. Not blame yourself for any of this. All marriages with young kids have this exact problem. In some like yours, mine and many others one parent goes 'oh fuck it.. Look greener grass'!!! And jumps. They then blame the person who has been left. The ones that survive do so because the person feeling 'trapped', or bored or whatever has the maturity to recognise this and talks to their spouse so they can work as a family to make things better. I know what made it worst for me was feeling like I had been given no chance to save things. It was my marriage too. You sound v strong right now but be aware there will be dips.. Allow them to happen but climb back up each time and each time you do it gets easier x

Thank you for all your encouragement and kind words. I don’t feel strong at all I feel I’m just getting by. Every new thing I see, hear or read is another knock straight back to the start.

I wish he had sat me down when he felt unhappy I asked him why he didn’t and he said he wasn’t happy with any part of his life so decided to check out and plan a new life. He intentionally shut me out. Before we seperated I kept asking what was wrong told him to talk to me. I knew things were going down hill rapidly but he just couldn’t be bothered. He was already contacting other women getting his boost whilst I was living in hell. He wanted his freedom to just go out when he wanted well he can bloody well have it.

OP Have you followed the advice to get his financial details, and contact a solicitor? This is urgent.

I'm in a similar position OP and I agree it's shit. No discussion just 'it's over, that's it'. Look after yourself, I'm trying to but still struggling to come to terms with it all.

I understand where pps are coming from but you need to be prepared for a harsh truth.

Unfortunately legally and in reality you can't make him love his kids or see them, parent them. I learnt this the hard way when I dumped my ex for cheating. He made a pretence of seeming like a "good dad" initially but it didn't last long and I tried various things to get him to stay in contact and have a relationship with dd but he now hasn't seen her for several years.

Sounds like I'm being harsh but that's the reality.

Even if it goes to court re contact all that is legally binding is you making them available for contact, nobody can make him show up and be a decent dad.

IF he wants contact it's NOT in what is now by his actions YOUR home, he takes the kids out or to his.

AND on a regular basis. He DOES NOT get to just show up whenever the fuck he fancies at a moments notice! That's not fair or stable for you or DC.

Financially is a different matter. Find and collate as much financial info as possible, all bank accounts, savings, investments and pension info.

The legal default is 50/50 BUT as you're likely to be the main carer for the children and he has legal financial responsibility to them you may well end up with more - do NOT recoil from that idea or EVER feel like you're screwing him over you're not!

Block the mil she can fuck right off! His cheating is NOT your fault.

It's a horrible situation to be in. Sleep and eat and drink as much as you can, make life easy for yourself, have ready meals or soups etc get support from GP if you need to.

And keep posting here sadly as you can see there's far too many of us.

Hopefully we can help you avoid any mistakes we made.