Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just stopped loving me

113 replies

Deflatedandrejected · 17/05/2018 15:10

Me and my husband seperated a month ago and I’m struggling.

He came home one day and just said he didn’t love me anymore didn’t want to be with me.
He said I’m not someone he sees his future with and stopped being “in” love with me months ago.

We have three children and I am devastated for the life and family that they no longer have.

I feel alone and sad all the time. The tears still haven’t stopped. He is Mr Sunshine though and super happy.
He is ready to date and build a life with someone new.

Tell me when this gets better. I can’t see any future atm and am stuck in heartache mode.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/05/2018 16:45

Do you know how much he earns?
If so, have a look HERE and see what you should be getting.
Fuck him and how he wants to live.
He has children to support and he supports them as he should.
And you need to tell all his family.
He cheated and he's left you high and dry.
Tell them all today.
Stop keeping his dirty secret.
He's a fucking cunt and you need to find your anger.
I'm angry for you (as you can tell from my language)

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 17/05/2018 16:48

Get a shit hot lawyer. Get every penny you can.

Thanks
Singlenotsingle · 17/05/2018 17:00

Certainly tell his family if they don't know his dirty little secret already. AND get onto the CMS too. You might as well blow the whole thing wide open. Does the OW know about the children? He's good at keeping secrets, so maybe not.

ElliePhillips · 17/05/2018 17:53

He wanted to not be held down and wanted to get out more.

Tough fucking shit! He's got THREE kids. He won't be out clubbing and pubbing whenever he feels like it until they are adults.

He is giving me some money not enough but “can’t” give more as he won’t be able to live the life he wants if he gives me more.

OP fuck that! Get a lawyer ASAP and get your money. He is an almighty dick and I am furious for you.

Let him know that you plan to make childcare 50/50. Don't let him believe that he will just have weekends (even if that is what you prefer). He obviously imagines a future of swanning around where ever he wants. Nope!!!

Make him understand that leaving you does not mean leaving his kids so he needs to find a place big enough for the kids to be 50% of the week, near their school of course, and the two of you will be splitting all child costs equally. Urgh! I'm so maddened by man-children like this.

Namethecat · 17/05/2018 17:59

He is a grade A bastard. Been on here awhile and that is the first time I've felt the need to state that. Get angry.

ElliePhillips · 17/05/2018 18:18

He’s booked a week away with friends and didn’t even think what the children might need that week.

Nope! Don't let this bullshit happen again OP. Implement a strict timetable of childcare and in the future if it clashes with his boys weekend - TOUGH SHIT.

Original poster
Deflatedandrejected · 17/05/2018 18:31

Thank you everyone for the advise. Reading back through my post I feel like an idiot I am just letting him have his way with everything. I have turned into a weak pushover. Tomorrow I am going to get my shit together and seek advise and a lawyer.

I have stupidly even been trying to be his friend and support him on finding the happiness he needs. I am a fool I need to cut contact and move on.

He doesn’t want 50/50 split said he can’t because of his job wants to just drop by when he can. His new rental is also 40 minutes away from us seriously so disappointed for my children. I have given them a rubbish father.

Feeling strong right now just hope it last and I can get some sleep.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 17/05/2018 18:32

Rights for women. Google it. They have a free legal advice line in the evenings. Call them. Call CMS. Call a solicitor. Start taking action. The day before his holiday message him and tell him you will be filing for divorce and be seeking half of all the assets including his pension (it’s your right). That will piss all over his fun times. Also tell him not to spend too much money because the claim for decent maintenance has just been lodged with CMS. Then sign off with “have a nice holiday. The kids look forward to spending a week with you when you get back” start balls rolling and getting what you deserve. Message his entire family. This shit is about to get real for him.

LexieLulu · 17/05/2018 18:35

Sounds like a shit dad! ☹️ you're better off without him x

TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 18:47

He wants to just drop by when he can? LOL what fucking planet is he living on?
Definitely get yourself sorted with a lawyer and get that fucker told he just can't decide he doesn't want to be a father.
Opting out isn't an option.
Dickhead.
Op do you have support in real life? Friends and family?
I agree with pp to tell his family. He hasn't told them because it would burst the fantasy world he's created for himself. Tell them.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/05/2018 18:55

Another one here who has been through it. I can only echo what everyone else has said and get tough now. I wish I had not just 'allowed' my ex to leave me to do it all when he left for ow.. He just assumed that he could fuck off and I would do all the day to day stuff. He does pay decent money but I had to fight for it. You absolute must get tough now.. Send him a letter from your solicitor assuming that he will do a minimum of EOW and one teatime a week. 40 mins is not that far. He also absolutely should be covering the additional childcare costs caused by his absence. And absolutely tell his family. How fucking dare he Swan off to have more 'me', time. What an absolute twat.. Does he not think we'd all like that? The 'not IN love', thing is classic Script also. It means he's in lust with someone else and your longer term familiarity naturally pales in comparison. Hang in there. It is shit but lots of us have been where you are and come out the other side. Get lots of RL support and get the legal side started. Good luck

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/05/2018 19:04

If his job interferes with his time with the kids then he'll just have to get childcare won't he, like you do.

But what an absolute weasel of a man. I'm sure you can do much better OP.

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2018 19:20

Honest to god, some of the stuff you read on here on how people behave. This is as shitty as it gets. He wants to not be held down, give you less money than you're entitled to and see the kids when he pleases?

And what you're helping him?

Helping him fuck uou over more like. Time to seek a lawyer, he can fuck about without your support. Honestly get this sorted. He's taking the piss. And if you can't do it for you do it for your children. They deserve better from both their parents.

Komorebi · 17/05/2018 19:28

EXACTLY this happened to my mum when I was young. My father completely changed, met a new woman and we never saw any money or him. I still find him despicable so many years later, but am absolutely proud of my mother for turning her life around and showing me how to be a strong woman.

Sounds all a bit silly, but how you handle this will shape your children's life outlook! Don't let him get away with it :) Take all you get!

Stay strong and one day you'll be glad he's gone. My DM now has the greatest DP!

Chippyway · 17/05/2018 19:33

He doesn’t give a shit about you and the kids anymore so stop giving a shit about him.

Get angry. Get more money. Find out what you’re entitled to and tell him if he doesn’t pay the exact amount you will be doing it the proper way. He will soon cough up then I’m sure!

Original poster
Deflatedandrejected · 17/05/2018 19:49

I don’t have any friends or family near me as we moved to The other side of the country at the beginning of the year. I have told all my family and friends and they have been supporting me the best they can.

I have just messaged his parents there is no point in keeping it secret anymore. I stupidly thought that by not telling them that there was a chance he would come back I realize now that isn’t going to happen.

I think what hurts the most is that after over a decade together he can just dismiss me and our children how can people do that. I can’t imagine just walking away from my children. He has been rewriting our history aswell which I read is very common.

I am going to get everything I can. Why should my children miss out just so he can live the best life. He is a selfish prick.

OP posts:
Komorebi · 17/05/2018 19:54

Would you and your children prefer moving back to where you just left? Don't assume you have to stay there, if you don't like it/ feel home.

ferrier · 17/05/2018 19:56

I'm glad you're starting to fight back deflated. He absolutely can have his dc 50:50 if that's what you want - he just has to do what you have to do and that's sort out childcare for when he's at work.

Fingers crossed you can see a solicitor very quickly and start giving your 'd'h a few home truths.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2018 20:02

I haven’t begged or pleaded feel maybe I should of

No ... you shouldn't have begged him. You did well not to.

As he doesnt want 50/50... go for full custody in the divorce. Don't hang around...he wants to split..then file and make it official .

Tell his parents he doesnt want 50/50 and has said he'll drop round when he can ... don't let them later try and say you've stopped him from seeing the kids.

He sounds pathetic abandoning his kids like that.

What a poor example of a father he is.

Aminuts23 · 17/05/2018 20:14

There’s another woman OP. Guaranteed. Try to get angry and stop indulging him. You’re a single parent now and you need to protect you and your DC. See a lawyer and get yourself secure. Once the OW comes crawling out of the woodwork she’ll probably try meddling in your financial settlement or the amount of maintenance he pays. Get it all tied up as soon as you can.

Namethecat · 17/05/2018 20:21

And whilst your getting angry , get angry for your children's sake. Most half decent men would have sat you down and had a conversation about his recent thoughts and feelings. He would have said that he needed change in the relationship to make it work. In the short-term perhaps not for your sake but for your children's. The children he is a father to, the children he should still want to parent, the children he should want to see daily, put to bed, read too, all those things and more.

Sally2791 · 17/05/2018 20:53

What an arse. Believe in karma, love your kids and screw him financially as much as you can

takeittakeit · 17/05/2018 21:06

He moved you away from your support network to be nearer his OW - what a total twunt.

Don't shout or scream at him infront of the kids, calm face and response everytime. You are in control not him . Believe me it is hard but do not let him see you are upset annoyed pissed of etc. Mine said he never loved me - well we had 15 years together did not notice he was so heartbroken!

Get your monies sorted and move back to your family - mine did the same, utopia was between her legs - 4 yrs later it was less utopian and they both got their just deserts.

It sucks the cock of fucking death but you will survive and so will your kids . You are bigger better person
Good Luck

Original poster
Deflatedandrejected · 18/05/2018 00:48

Just an update can’t sleep...I went digging and there is no other “woman” there is other “women” it seems he has been on dating sites and cheating on me before we broke up.

Feels like this shit pile is never ending. I’m divorcing him on the grounds of adultery now. I am a f*ing fool.

Today I’ll put my big girl pants on and grow a pair!

OP posts:
ohcomeon12321 · 18/05/2018 01:02

Bloody tough! He has a responsibility to provide for the children. so does the op