Named changed. I hope. H and have been married 30 years in October our DCs are 15 and 17. Their lives have been blighted by his selfishness and aggression. He thinks he's a great dad. Both have ended up with MH/anxiety issues; (he dislikes youngest child who looks like me). I have no doubt at all that this is my fault for staying with him, I had an abusive childhood as a result I find it hard to make decisions so stayed with him - initially I was worried he'd get access to the kids and then they'd be at risk when with him. TBH I am still worried but at least they are older now.
So my problem is when I tell him, he will go apeshit. He is very devious and so if angry I suspect he will do something to himself, me or the dog if I go out (I think the kids would be last on his hitlist but I am not sure). He has no job, retired on a small pension so is reliant on my income. We have a fairly large mortgage bearing in mind our ages, on interest only - runs out in 8 years so the house will have to be sold then anyway. Ideally I'd like him to leave us in the house till DCs are older then sell up close to the end of the 8 years.
He constantly tells me I have nothing to complain about, that I am cruel to him (usually for not doing his washing, cooking etc) and that he has no idea what he has ever done wrong. If I give him an example, he'll say, well that was your fault ... or .... "you do worse than that all the time". Or the best one, "prove it - c'mon, where's your proof? What was the time and date I did that? Where are the witnesses?" If I said I wanted to split up he'd say no one is stopping you leaving. Its all about his rights and entitlements.
My younger DC has had to have counselling and the counsellor has told me in no uncertain terms that we need to split up because his behaviour is causing DC's issues, but if I told my husband that, he'd say the counsellor is lying, "because you have lied to her about me".
He is 60+ I am mid 50s, we have made a terrible mess of our lives - I reckon its going to be a nightmare getting out. I am worried that if we split up now what happens will be far worse than anything the kids have witnessed so far. Oh and so as not to drip feed, he's the sort of bloke everyone loves, he's such a nice man - he's also physically very small compared to me so that add to the idea he likes to perpetuate that I am a bully. Neither of us have any family so he has no where to go and he only has his small pension so cannot afford a private rental. He is making a half hearted attempt to get a job - if he did he could afford a 1 bed flat but we have a big house, he's not going to suddenly have an epiphany and do the decent thing.
I know similar things have been discussed on here before but I just cannot imagine how to manage the situation once I tell him I want out.