Ending it after 30 years - he says he's done nothing wrong so he wants house

[ManyElephants]

Named changed. I hope. H and have been married 30 years in October our DCs are 15 and 17. Their lives have been blighted by his selfishness and aggression. He thinks he's a great dad. Both have ended up with MH/anxiety issues; (he dislikes youngest child who looks like me). I have no doubt at all that this is my fault for staying with him, I had an abusive childhood as a result I find it hard to make decisions so stayed with him - initially I was worried he'd get access to the kids and then they'd be at risk when with him. TBH I am still worried but at least they are older now.

So my problem is when I tell him, he will go apeshit. He is very devious and so if angry I suspect he will do something to himself, me or the dog if I go out (I think the kids would be last on his hitlist but I am not sure). He has no job, retired on a small pension so is reliant on my income. We have a fairly large mortgage bearing in mind our ages, on interest only - runs out in 8 years so the house will have to be sold then anyway. Ideally I'd like him to leave us in the house till DCs are older then sell up close to the end of the 8 years.

He constantly tells me I have nothing to complain about, that I am cruel to him (usually for not doing his washing, cooking etc) and that he has no idea what he has ever done wrong. If I give him an example, he'll say, well that was your fault ... or .... "you do worse than that all the time". Or the best one, "prove it - c'mon, where's your proof? What was the time and date I did that? Where are the witnesses?" If I said I wanted to split up he'd say no one is stopping you leaving. Its all about his rights and entitlements.

My younger DC has had to have counselling and the counsellor has told me in no uncertain terms that we need to split up because his behaviour is causing DC's issues, but if I told my husband that, he'd say the counsellor is lying, "because you have lied to her about me".

He is 60+ I am mid 50s, we have made a terrible mess of our lives - I reckon its going to be a nightmare getting out. I am worried that if we split up now what happens will be far worse than anything the kids have witnessed so far. Oh and so as not to drip feed, he's the sort of bloke everyone loves, he's such a nice man - he's also physically very small compared to me so that add to the idea he likes to perpetuate that I am a bully. Neither of us have any family so he has no where to go and he only has his small pension so cannot afford a private rental. He is making a half hearted attempt to get a job - if he did he could afford a 1 bed flat but we have a big house, he's not going to suddenly have an epiphany and do the decent thing.

I know similar things have been discussed on here before but I just cannot imagine how to manage the situation once I tell him I want out.

OP your H, unless he has health issues, should be working, earning, he can't afford not to because by my estimation he will not get his state pension until he is 67.
Why isn't he? His financial state is not your responsibility, I think you should sell up your house asap and give your sons a break from it all.
I know its difficult to make such a huge change, your H is not your responsibility, your DC's are.

Once again, more good advice, overwhelmingly the same advice but with some warnings - he retired early with a small monthly pension; that's all private, nothing to do with state pension. He was meant to get a part time job but that has yet to happen so he's in the house all day. This has been the case for around 11 months so no chance he is or ever was a SAHP.

I get what you are saying though that as I have a job I will be considered in a better position if it went to court.

It'd be worth it for the freedom.

I realise he retired early, but you said his monthly pension is small and I am guessing he would have difficulty being self supporting on this income. A court would want to know how he intends to support himself as he is of working age and should be actively seeking work (even if no-one wants to employ him ) in order to receive any benefits.
As I said he is not your responsibility as an able bodied adult male.
Think long and hard, is it worth procrastinating about this?

Work on a proper plan with Women's Aid. Really, they are the experts and you need to work on your exit plan with them.

Here is your local Women's Aid.

I think you will be very surprised at what you're entitled to.

He is a joke!

My solicitor told me the court is not interested in who is the nicer person. The concept in this country is no-fault divorce. To divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour you only need to provide examples of behaviour you, personally, are not prepared to live with. I certainly wouldn't be divorced by now if I had to persuade XH that he was in the wrong!

He, by the way, was effectively a SAHP and we still had one primary aged child. The judge's view was that if the house were sold there was enough equity, split equally, for each to get a mortgage on a smaller property. We were by no means rich but I was able to get a modest house in the South East. That ex was "retired" (read, a cocklodger) was not deemed relevant as he didn't need to be retired and was perfectly capable of working. It sounds as though you may be in a similar position, although to be fair property prices have gone up again since. You may even be better off without the extra mouth to feed.

Re your DC's views on living in a smaller property, I wonder how much their father has been working on them to frighten them with this prospect? Perhaps it's time for you to put more palatable scenarios to them. Other properties also contain bedrooms!

You are still trying to appease him. That's really not your job. See a solicitor first. This is one where you want to be a long long way through the process before you inform him.

I have no advice regarding the house but I will say, don’t be thinking about what anyone else thinks. You know the truth, you are there too! You count? Please get soume counseling to help with you self esteem.
You might find out that everyone secretly hates your husband and can’t beli you have stuck him this long.

Put EVERYONE else out of your mind, concentrate on yourself and your two children and do what’s best for you THREE. Nobody else.

Good luck.

This is what I post as standard on threads like yours.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations. (This might not be a good idea as you are trying to keep it quiet)

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive/give.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

Child residence won't really come into it as yours are old enough to choose. But if they live with you that is part of the financial calculation.

There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)
Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

When you leave an abuser, the most important thing is your life and safety as well as your children’s. If you are able to plan ahead, it will help you to have important information with you, in addition to money, clothing, medicine, and other basic items.
Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to leave, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:

• Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children
• Health insurance cards for you and your children
• Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records
• Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed
• Your most recent credit report (you can request one for free(link is external))
• The title or lease paperwork for your car
• Statements for any retirement plans
• The past two years’ tax returns
• A written copy of phone numbers or important addresses in case you cannot get to your cellphone or address book Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies. You may also want to take photos of any valuable assets in the home (anything you think may be worth some money). Also, if you have any family heirlooms (such as jewelry), take them with you or put them in a safe place before you leave. You can get a safe deposit box at the bank to store copies of the paperwork listed, as well as small valuable items. If you have a joint checking account, consider opening your own checking account and storing money there. Any adult has the right to open their own bank account, even if they are married or dependent on another person.

You say he’s abusive, depending on the level, can you set up spy cameras to prove it, thus forcing him out?

We grew up in a sort of similar situation, rich father though, poor mother, large grand house. Mum never left due to fear, where would we live, would he win access etc.

I’m 37 and she deeply regrets the hell she put us through and it’s had a massive negative effect on all of us, we’ve all needed therapy.
The sooner you are away from this toxic behaviour the better for all of you, even if it means living in a small flat.
Good luck xx

Nc because this comment is very outing (and long...sorry)

My mum finally left my abusive dad when me and sister were in our early 20s. What you've said about your husband and the impact on your dc is so similar to what I experienced as a child (except there was violence too).

When mum mum finally decided enough was enough my dad tried to kill himself by taking an overdose of paracetamol, then refused treatment until she would say she wouldn't leave him. It was awful but my mum stuck to it and wasn't going to be emotionally blackmailed that time. He took the treatment even though she didn't agree to stay with him...I think because he realised he couldn't control her anymore. To this day, nearly 10years later, I don't know if he actually took an overdose or was pretending...there have been no medical implications.

They lived in the same house for a few weeks while I helped my dad find somewhere to live. He now lives in a flat in a managed housing for over 50s, it's cheaper and they offer support with housing benefit etc.

It was awful, but was just another story in a long line of abuse. Like with your children the emotional damage had already been done. I self harmed through my teens, have seen 4 counsellors and can still feel how growing up in that situation effects me daily.

I'm proud of my mum for finally having the courage to leave him, it must have been awful.

If you leave him now it will probably be awful and worse for a while, but after that you and your children will be free and not living in that toxic environment. I think that you should do it now, don't wait any longer. Get some legal advice and perhaps talk to women's aid and see what your options are and know exactly where you stand so he can't try to manipulate you by lying about your position.

You need legal advice; your financial situation generally sounds very precarious if you have an interest only mortgage and won't have the funds to repay the capital (if I've understood correctly).

I understand you and the DCs want to stay in the house but the likelihood is you won't get everything you want and you have to make compromises. If this is what you want then they will be worthwhile. Life will be better.