Ending it after 30 years - he says he's done nothing wrong so he wants house

[ManyElephants]

Named changed. I hope. H and have been married 30 years in October our DCs are 15 and 17. Their lives have been blighted by his selfishness and aggression. He thinks he's a great dad. Both have ended up with MH/anxiety issues; (he dislikes youngest child who looks like me). I have no doubt at all that this is my fault for staying with him, I had an abusive childhood as a result I find it hard to make decisions so stayed with him - initially I was worried he'd get access to the kids and then they'd be at risk when with him. TBH I am still worried but at least they are older now.

So my problem is when I tell him, he will go apeshit. He is very devious and so if angry I suspect he will do something to himself, me or the dog if I go out (I think the kids would be last on his hitlist but I am not sure). He has no job, retired on a small pension so is reliant on my income. We have a fairly large mortgage bearing in mind our ages, on interest only - runs out in 8 years so the house will have to be sold then anyway. Ideally I'd like him to leave us in the house till DCs are older then sell up close to the end of the 8 years.

He constantly tells me I have nothing to complain about, that I am cruel to him (usually for not doing his washing, cooking etc) and that he has no idea what he has ever done wrong. If I give him an example, he'll say, well that was your fault ... or .... "you do worse than that all the time". Or the best one, "prove it - c'mon, where's your proof? What was the time and date I did that? Where are the witnesses?" If I said I wanted to split up he'd say no one is stopping you leaving. Its all about his rights and entitlements.

My younger DC has had to have counselling and the counsellor has told me in no uncertain terms that we need to split up because his behaviour is causing DC's issues, but if I told my husband that, he'd say the counsellor is lying, "because you have lied to her about me".

He is 60+ I am mid 50s, we have made a terrible mess of our lives - I reckon its going to be a nightmare getting out. I am worried that if we split up now what happens will be far worse than anything the kids have witnessed so far. Oh and so as not to drip feed, he's the sort of bloke everyone loves, he's such a nice man - he's also physically very small compared to me so that add to the idea he likes to perpetuate that I am a bully. Neither of us have any family so he has no where to go and he only has his small pension so cannot afford a private rental. He is making a half hearted attempt to get a job - if he did he could afford a 1 bed flat but we have a big house, he's not going to suddenly have an epiphany and do the decent thing.

I know similar things have been discussed on here before but I just cannot imagine how to manage the situation once I tell him I want out.

Please be careful. My ExH attacked me twice when I was in the process of leaving him, and he had never been violent before that.

I really wouldn't give him any of your pension. Are your pensions similar? If you do split, whoever has the largest pension pot will have to give the other money to compensate for that.

Yes OP I’ve been in similar situation. Delayed ending my marriage for years cos it seemed monumental but I felt guilty that the kids lived in that situation. I was the only earner. It was all dragged out for a long time but I did end it. He did eventually move out but it was about 3 years after the divorce and the house was mine by then (and I was sleeping with my daughter and the door barricaded in the final few weeks). I couldn’t face going to court to get him physically removed. Only about two friends knew. I wish I’d known about Mumsnet and the wise words and support there is here. I would have felt able to get things done quicker. I’m sure that once the kids are in a happy environment they will forget ever caring about the house. For me, it has all been so worth it. Only regret is not managing it years ago and not being braver. Good luck.

It wasn't the same situation but we had to leave our large house in the country when I was 16 and move to a small place in a town - to be fair I did have a bedroom to myself. I was gutted to leave , thought it was part of my identity. Reality was it was the best thing that ever happened to me, it was freedom and I learned never to prioritise a house over the life I wanted to live. Obviously a roof over the head is a priority but a shiny large house means nothing compared with liberty.

You WILL manage the situation when it comes to it, because there is an end scenario and somehow you will get to it. At this point in time you do not know exactly what that end scenario is, but rest assured it will be better than the current scenario.

Your children are already damaged to a certain extent by the sound it of so best take the bull by the horns and set the wheels in motion. Current situation is untenable, isn't it? He's a nasty man. Seriously - a tiny flat away from him is better than nice bedrooms and a new bathroom with him.

But it might not be a tiny flat. As many others have said, you need good legal advice before you do anything.

And his future living arrangements are really not your problem although it must be very, very hard for you to think like that. Your concern is yourself, your children, and your dog.

And if you really think he might hurt the dog - foster with a friend until you can see how things pan out.

@ManyElephants I don't have any personal experience of leaving an abusive relationship, but my Mum left my Dad when I was younger.

Like your husband, everyone loved him and couldn't believe what a bitch my Mum was for walking out on him. In reality, he was verbally abusive, manipulative and a giant man child (to be honest). She lost a lot of friends when she left, but her life (and ours) was so much better when she did.

Just sending you love and hugs. You are so strong for acknowledging what you need to do

Here is a page regarding safe places for your dog to go whilst you are sorting things out.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

Also, is it worth trying to secretly voice record his emotional abuse, and start a diary of events? Only if you can do so safely of course.

Here's my input. My father was abusive. My parents split up temporarily when I was a tween. When he left, he took the car.

I remember - vividly - sitting on a bus with my 3 siblings and my mum with a shopping bag each so that we could get enough shopping home to feed the 5 of us without a car. It was all from a supermarket we'd never used before but it was the only one we could get to by bus.

I was tired, the bags were heavy and hurting my hands and the trip shopping with 4 bored kids was a nightmare ..... and all I remember is the feeling of joy and peace that he was gone and we were coping by ourselves.

He came back a few weeks later and I was heartbroken. Sometimes being free is more important.

Ok don't say anything to him until you are clear what is happening and the kids dog and yourself are safe.
Contact Woman's Aid.
Start putting money away he can't access and he cannot know about.
How much equity in house are we talking about.

Just make sure he doesn't have access to your mumsnet account, you don't want him reading this before you are ready.

Thank you everyone and thanks to those such as Blatherskite who have shared their personal experiences.

YetAnother - are you MNHQ or are you psychic? I was meant to pick youngest DC up at 3.15 but could not leave the house as suddenly realised H would read my e-mails and some posters had quite innocently done that "tagging" thing where you @ a poster? Anyway I then spent 30 frantic minutes trying to change my MN account over to another e-mail. I had to send him off to get DCs which they hate, but it was better than him sitting down to read all this.

Bloody hell. Aged 5 years.

'H would read my emails'

[Shock]

As others have said, you can’t change the past. Only the future.
And again as others have said, you’re braver than most. Many people never leave this kind of situation.
I said to a friend once, if you stay, your children will leave ASAP when they’re old enough and probably move as far away as possible and rarely visit. I mean why would they want to.

Op the best advice you've had here is to seek legal advice.

A lot of the other advice is wrong because you are the financially stronger spouse at the moment.

Yes I was going to point that out too - as you are the main earner and he doesn’t work, that puts him in a better position re benefiting from the finances in a divorce. Can he say he was main carer for the children at any stage?

.

Have any of you been through this sort of thing where you knew that on the day you told him and from then on, you were at risk, but that no one would believe you?

Yes. Your friend is right about poking the snake. Keep quiet for now. Get good legal advice. Plan your way out. It's very scary. It will be fine in the end. Don't listen to your kids saying it's too late. It's not too late. They are just used to the toxic behaviour. You have one life. You cannot waste any more of it like this. This is also an important life lesson for your children.

Yes. I will type more on my laptop at home.

He is atm putting you on trial. Making you defend your 'right' to have a judgment on him/end things.

If you ever need to dial 999 but keep silent, listen to the message then dial 55 and the police will come. Just a bit of information - not trying to scare but to keep you informed.

He's also wrong, though, if he thinks him "doing nothing wrong" means he's entitled to the house. He can't just decide he's blameless, and anyway the division of assets is not primarily based on that but on several other factors like the residency and needs of DC.

Plus if he ended up with the house, he wouldn't be able to afford to keep it anyway.

You really do need a good lawyer to set out the best options for you, and I found talking to a lawyer very reassuring as they have seen it all.

Good one. Never knew that.

OP,

As I was saying earlier, he is obfuscating by turning it all back to you. Like you're on trial and the accusations against you are making accusations against him.

In this ''script'' you have no right to an opinion that can go UNCHALLENGED.

The answer (and it's not perfect but it's the best way to deal with these fuckers) is to think about what you would do if you had his blessing and his approval! ha ha. He wants you to believe that you need his blessing. You're not allowed to have an opinion on the state of the relationship unless he signs off on your opinion at the moment.

So tune it out. OR, pretend he's agreed to exactly what you want.

Then write it down so you are clear in your head. Then proceed without discussion.

If he tells you that you are cold hearted wicked homewrecking bitch just shrug every so slightly and say nothing, or if he makes you say something agree with him. Say if you say so, I'm a cold hearted wicked selfish homewrecking bitch.

If he goes on about being a good man who doesn't deserve what you're doing to him just shrug, agree. Or if he bullies you in to replying say 'yeh you don't deserve this''.

And then proceed with your plans to sell the house

Your friend is right about not poking the snake. Wait until you are ready to slap a bucket over the snake. See a solicitor, plan everything possible, have the future all laid out as far as humanly possible with the help of the solicitor and Women's Aid before you say a word to him.

Nothing to add to the good advice you’ve been given here, but I was the child in this scenario, roughly, my mother made me live in an abusive household with a sex offender for almost a decade because she was ‘too scared’ to leave, so my brain was permantly effected by the adrenaline, cortisol and terror flooding my body every day. Trying to protect my mother from a very young age, and then still when she chose to shackle herself to another pathetic specimen. Of course I hold the males in utter contempt, but she was meant to keep me safe, and I have never been safe, I’m so angry and my body is damaged from living on edge for decades, I have mental health problems, and for my own sanity I can’t be around they mother for long these days. Choices have consequences.

When you have a plan in place, tell the children, perhaps with the counsellor. They are old enough to need to know the risks and be mentally prepared.

Oldest DC said to me a few weeks ago there is no point now, its too late, meaning that had we split up earlier in their lives it would have been better.

That's very sad, but it's how your DC sees it and you should acknowledge your part in this. I hope that anyone currently your situation with younger DC reads what your DC said and takes action to get out.

The DC have 2 parents. One is awful and the other keeps them in that awful situation.

I would point out to Him/her that the Counsellor has said the damage is continuing and advised that you need to split.

I know someone in an abusive relationship and her DC is suffering as a result of it. The school have told her that her DC was upset and told them about the abuse, so SS got involved and yet she's still with him. Lying to protect him despite him putting her in hospital.

Sorry, your thread was a bit of a trigger.