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Relationships

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Original poster

9 years and no proposal

86 replies

L2018 · 12/05/2018 18:41

Hi,

My and my boyfriend have been together 9 year so far. I feel like he should have proposed by now. We’ve done everything together, traveled the world, brought a house. We’ve had hard times, two miscarriages, but I feel they have only made is stronger and closer. Money and time isn’t the issue so the whole situation is making me low. I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’ hate it. Something I would never do. I also don’t want to push it or make it look like I’m putting ideas into his head. How long it too long? I’m ready and feel like we’ve done everything you should do before marriage. What’s the wait?

OP posts:

FissionChips · 12/05/2018 18:46

He simply might not want to marry you.

Talk to him.

TammySwansonTwo · 12/05/2018 18:46

Does he want to get married? I wouldn’t want to wait 9 years, we were married after about 3 years. I’d be wondering what was going on by 5 years TBH

OrcinusOrca · 12/05/2018 18:48

How old are you? If you're quite young I'd be less concerned but you need to speak to him if it's this important to you. DH and I married after four years and were in our mid 20's, been together three years when he proposed.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2018 18:48

I would have dumped long before this if marriage is what I wanted. You're going to have to bring it up, I guess.

GlassSuppers · 12/05/2018 19:05

I'm in a similar situation to you OP and it infuriates me.

We've been together officially for 5 years, known each other very well for about 10 years, mortgage, and a DD.
He is the main earner, I work part time because of childcare allowances for DD and I honestly believe the only reason he won't ask me is for his own financial gain.
Little does he know I've been saving money of my own for years and have enough to feather my own nest if needed.

Could this be a reason why yours hasn't asked you?
Whenever I ask DP it's always because "he's not ready"

slippynips · 12/05/2018 19:11

My OH proposed to me last month after 9 years together. We have had the conversation that we both want to get married, so I’ve been very patient!! But if you have a happy life together and have achieved so much, is it really an issue? If you know he loves you and you love him then surely not getting married would be a silly reason to split up. Maybe just have a think about why it is so important to you and explain that to him.

It will probably be another 9 years before we can actually afford o get married but it’s a start!

Scrabbler3 · 12/05/2018 19:11

You don't have to "propose" but you do need to bring it up with him. You're not a 19 year old virgin circa 1930 waiting for the boy to ask you. Talk to him.

C0untDucku1a · 12/05/2018 19:14

How old are you? Because if youve been together since 14 youre still young.
Have you thought about whether you want the legal commitment of marriage since you've been trying for a child? If he is the main earner, or will be if you have a child, have tou thought about what situation you'd want to be in then? BecUse i think it will be important to really know where you stand and what you want before ttc.

Original poster

L2018 · 12/05/2018 19:16

Thanks your your messages.

I’m just unsure about everything what it could be. I’m the main earner in our house but only just. We’re both on really good wages. And we are both generous with our money. I’ve brought him cars his done the same for me. I wouldn’t mind but my dream wedding would be me, him on the beach, two witnesses we met at the bar the night before, no friends or family. Honeymoon in the same place. And he 100% knows this. Cheap simple and quick. It’s always been that was and as I said that is one thing he knows.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/05/2018 19:18

You have to talk to him.

It might be that he doesn't want to marry; or that he doesn't see the point of it as you've done so much else together already - or it might be that he can't see himself marrying you. It probably won't be a nice conversation; but it needs to happen so you know honestly where you stand.

After nine years; I'd be expecting it not to happen, to be honest. If he's not ready after that, there's a good chance he's never going to be.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/05/2018 19:19

Cross post - so you have talked about marriage.

Does he talk about wanting to marry you? Has he talked about getting married to you, and what you'd do?

category12 · 12/05/2018 19:30

How important is it to you? Is it a dealbreaker? Doesn't seem like he wants to marry you.

Osopolar · 12/05/2018 19:34

Perhaps he is comfortable with the life you have and doesn't see the point of marriage. I think you need to explain that it is important to you

Alienspaceship · 12/05/2018 19:36

He obviously doesn’t want to get married. Have you talked about what you want for your future?

ElspethFlashman · 12/05/2018 19:39

I'm not being funny but why the fuck would he have any inclination? You live like husband and wife already. Except without those pesky legal entanglements.

What's in it for him exactly? Why should he bother?

Canwejustrelaxnow · 12/05/2018 19:41

Proposals are very outdated imo. Like you Say, you've done everything together so why not discuss this together and if you're on the same page then you can book your wedding.

kissthealderman · 12/05/2018 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2018 20:03

kissthealderman - OP does not want to propose to him, she is very anti the idea.

L2018

You're going to have to talk to him and tell him how important marriage is to you. You may well find that marriage is not important to him at all and may not want to get married (to you). I sincerely hope that you are not his "she will do for now" woman because if he has not made a commitment to marriage after nine years will he ever do so?. Probably not.

gillybeanz · 12/05/2018 20:04

He might be thinking the same, is there some reason why you haven't proposed to him?
We just talked about it and sort of agreed, there was no drama or grand proposal, it was quite laid back

gillybeanz · 12/05/2018 20:07

If he isn't the proposing type what will you do? I'd still be waiting 26 years later if I'd expected dh to propose.
Just because you are against something doesn't mean your partner has to dance to your tune, especially if it isn't something he is easy with.
You don't sound like you communicate very well, or if you do, there's some singing from different hymn sheets going on.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2018 20:10

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages, but I wouldn't have children unless I was married. I'd feel too vulnerable. Maybe if you say that you're not going to try for a baby and explain how vulnerable women can be if they have a child without marriage, he might start to think about it?

StorminaBcup · 12/05/2018 20:14

Perhaps he has mistaken your preferred low-key wedding idea for not being overly fussed about being married. Does he know how important it is to you? If it's a dealbreaker you need to tell him so he can make an informed decision.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/05/2018 20:29

I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’ hate it.

Grow the fuck up then. If you're old enough to get married, you're not a girl. If this is that important to you, propose yourself. If you're not grown up enough to do that, you're not grown up enough for a marriage/long term relationship.

Harsh, but I'm in a bad mood, so I might be being mean. Why can't you take control of this? Why do you have to wait for him?

PuppetOnAString · 12/05/2018 20:30

You need to talk to him. He may not want to get married at all, ever. Or he doesn’t want to marry you.

raisedbyguineapigs · 12/05/2018 20:32

I would think after 9 years hes happy the way things are. If you've never mentioned it and he's happy with the status quo why would he proposed unless he wanted to? You either have to tell him you want to get married or put things in place to protect yourself like make sure you keep your own money and job and that you are joint tenants on the house etc.

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