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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

9 years and no proposal

86 replies

L2018 · 12/05/2018 18:41

Hi,

My and my boyfriend have been together 9 year so far. I feel like he should have proposed by now. We’ve done everything together, traveled the world, brought a house. We’ve had hard times, two miscarriages, but I feel they have only made is stronger and closer. Money and time isn’t the issue so the whole situation is making me low. I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’ hate it. Something I would never do. I also don’t want to push it or make it look like I’m putting ideas into his head. How long it too long? I’m ready and feel like we’ve done everything you should do before marriage. What’s the wait?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/05/2018 22:58

Have you actually discussed your future with him?

Sisterlove · 12/05/2018 23:08

A woman not proposing doesn't call for being told to grow up. I wouldn't ever propose, but I would make it clear I wanted to get married.

Have you told him you want to get married? If you do end up having children, I see marriage not happening for you.

SunnyintheSun · 12/05/2018 23:09

*I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’ hate it.

Grow the fuck up then. If you're old enough to get married, you're not a girl. If this is that important to you, propose yourself. If you're not grown up enough to do that, you're not grown up enough for a marriage/long term relationship.

^^ This. Marriage is a lifelong contract between two people. It needs two-way discussion and careful thought between the adults involved, not bended knees and glittery rings.

fluffyrobin · 12/05/2018 23:15

Why would a man want to get married? They would lose their assets! As once married automatically assets are shared.

If a man is the higher income earner and has a partner who earns less but who does the household chores and cooks then effectively he is getting all that done for free.

All the wife work done for free is a huge bonus as that means if they split up then he doesn't have to give her a penny.

There are plenty of cases where a woman has lived with her partner for over 25 years as man and wife but without the legal document.

If something happened to him or if he found someone new she would get zero.

A man would only consider marrying a woman if he wanted to commit to her and any children they had, and that means financially and emotionally.

If he is not sure he wants to do that then you have to ask, why would a woman want to invest so much in a man who isn't so bothered/ wants to keep his options open?

Often it isn't that he doesn't want to get married, just that he doesn't want to or is unsure about marrying his present partner.

Men who highly value their partners never delay in proposing especially if they believe they have punched above their weight and feel lucky to have such a gorgeous partner.

Men don't ask women to marry them if they are handed everything on a plate without having to make any effort or if they are simply making do or biding their time in a lazy way until the woman of their dreams turns up.

keepingbees · 12/05/2018 23:15

Without sounding harsh you should know his feelings on marriage well before 9 years in. That's a lot of your life to invest with someone who may not want the same things as you.
I think you need to have a long talk with him before resentment sets in, and before you're tied to him with children if it's a dealbreaker for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2018 23:20

Not sure what to say OP. You’ve talked about it. You both know what sort of wedding you want. You won’t propose. So what can you do? Does anti “girls” proposing mean anti putting your cards on the table about it and saying marriage is a deal breaker?

You either care enough to have a serious discussion about it with him or not.

I can’t imagine not being able to talk about it between you. You presumably jointly discussed jobs, buying a house, ttc. Not sure how marriage is different. It’s not for us. We knew we wanted to get married, buy a house and ttc, and discussed what order to do them in. As it was we got married mid house purchase and ttc a little while later.

I hear you’re unhappy and that’s difficult so I’m sorry. Marriage shouldn’t be something he gives you when he feels you’ve earned it. But I also agree with others that he may not see the point. There IS a point but you’ve been dancing around the subject and he’s either actively against it and doesn’t want to tell you and ruin everything, or he’s not fussed and things you aren’t either.

What do you want to do?

Lottapianos · 12/05/2018 23:26

OP, forget the proposal idea. It's 2018, not 1800. Talk to him about your future. If you both want to get married, then set a date. Forget engagement and proposals, just make a plan together. Only you know how important marriage is to you. Stop wasting your time and start talking to him

minimalpatience · 12/05/2018 23:26

You need to (1) decide whether this I a deal breaker for you (and whether you're prepared to walk away); and (2) talk to him.

I appreciate it is easier said than done, but I've been there and the resentment will grow.

Sisterlove · 12/05/2018 23:28

If this is that important to you, propose yourself. If you're not grown up enough to do that, you're not grown up enough for a marriage/long term relationship

This is opinion, not fact. Not proposing as a woman, does not mean you aren't mature enough for marriage, what absolute nonsense.

I made it clear to my DH marriage was something I wanted in a relationship. He knew this within a year of us being together.

If he hadn't proposed by a certain timeline in my mind, I would have left him.

timeisnotaline · 12/05/2018 23:29

You need to decide where you stand on this and be clear with him. Are you prepared to walk away? I wouldn’t have children with a man who wouldn’t marry me. I gave my dh a deadline after about 3 years (we were very young though) because it was nonnegotiable to me.

LooseyInTheSky · 12/05/2018 23:32

You HAVE to talk to him. People don't get surprised into marriage. They have conversations with their partners as equals and make plans to do it their way - surprise proposal, not surprise, choosing rings together etc.

You can't expect him to read your mind.

GreenTulips · 12/05/2018 23:38

You don't need to propose

Open a destination website and ask him which one you should book?

MarieG10 · 13/05/2018 06:46

I am afraid I would concur more with the view that divorce laws, and more importantly financial settlements may hold him back. He may love you but for some...and usually the ones who are more financially well off the thought of losing property and pension is too much to stomach. I think the "if he loved you enough, he would" washes less and less in the clinical financial days of prenups. I would bet that he is also very aware that prenups have little legal standing once kids are involved and you are not super rich, which few of us are on here!

I know of someone who split from their partner is similar circs as although they looked to have a great relationship, he was clear why he wouldn't get married...ie what would happen financially if they split. You could argue if she loved him enough, marriage wouldn't have mattered. Take your pick I guess.

Annab1983 · 13/05/2018 18:52

I don’t think you’ve said what age you are OP, I think that’s really relevant.. we didn’t get engaged until we had been together 9 years, but we got together at 16.. got married after 11 years (so 27 which is considered young where we are) and together 20 years now with 2 dcs, it worked for us! I did get a little frustrated a few times when lots of friends who had only been together a year, 2years got engaged before us but the difference was I knew he wanted to marry me from discussions, we were just too young and wanted to travel, start careers, buy a house first etc.. he knew I would not ttc before marriage also, surely you’ve have some indication of what he thinks?

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 14/05/2018 10:27

Stop wasting your life waiting and take charge of the situation. Firstly discuss it with him, ask what's important to him. Or be prepared to propose to him or dump him just don't be so passive or you'll risk losing your fertile years on a time waster or having kids without the protection of marriage. (I know lots of people are happy doing this, fair play but it's not my choice).

I was with DH for 9 years before we married. He's not the proposing type. I just told him I wanted to marry and we went ahead and organised it. Neither of us proposed in the traditional sense, we just sorted it out.

pinkdelight · 14/05/2018 15:48

If you're anti 'girls' proposing because you want the romantic fantasy of him proposing to you, that ship has sailed. This isn't about gestures or weddings, it's the fundamental shit about whether you are going to be married for the rest of your life.

Fwiw I find proposals pretty outdated. Me and DH knew we wanted to marry each other, there was no game playing, we discussed it and did it. I find it really weird that after nine years you don't know what's going on in his head. And are insecure enough to fear influencing him unduly. Honestly you need to have the discussion. Not about proposing. About being married.

ShatnersWig · 14/05/2018 16:05

Another who doesn't get the whole "I'm anti girls proposing" crap in this day and age. So much for wanting equality, parity, independence....

Adora10 · 14/05/2018 17:57

I also wouldn't have kids with him without being married so if he's not up for marriage then he's not up for a secure future with a family having the same name, security and all that goes with being married, there are benefits to both.

You need to ask him we can't guess what his reasons are.

DerelictWreck · 14/05/2018 18:03

I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’

Ah so you're sexist?

halfwitpicker · 14/05/2018 18:05

Why are you anti-proposing?

Because it's not romantic?

User314 · 14/05/2018 18:08

You're afraid to rock the boat which makes you low value in his eyes consciously or subconsciously.

Ask him if he wants to marry you. If he says no, then TELL him (not hesitatingly, but with absolute certainty) that you deserve better so you'll be splitting up now.

This is torture. He's making you feel not good enough. You are good enough. But maybe he doesn't want to marry you and staying with him will make you believe that you're not good enough. Don't let that confusion erode your self-esteem

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 18:10

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's all going well, you're both happy, money isn't a problem. So why risk it by pushing him into a marriage that maybe he doesn't want? It could be the kiss of death. Make sure you're protected financially - house in joint names, make sure you have your own bank account etc.

0range99 · 14/05/2018 18:11

Fluffy robin's post is excellent and something that every woman should think about before putting themselves in a financially vulnerable position.

Proposals are so outdated for 2018, other than for a big Facebook brag post. When women have been fighting for equality for so so long, the future of a woman's destiny should be for her to choose, not having to sit and wait for the whim of her partner.

MrsDilber · 14/05/2018 18:22

Does he know it's important to you? You must have discussed it in the past?

rabbitsandrhubarb · 14/05/2018 18:32

Discuss it with him. If you can't discuss a major decision like that, what else might you not be able to discuss?

After 8 years together, I took the decision to discuss it with my partner and we have now been married for 24 years...

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