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Original poster

9 years and no proposal

86 replies

L2018 · 12/05/2018 18:41

Hi,

My and my boyfriend have been together 9 year so far. I feel like he should have proposed by now. We’ve done everything together, traveled the world, brought a house. We’ve had hard times, two miscarriages, but I feel they have only made is stronger and closer. Money and time isn’t the issue so the whole situation is making me low. I’ve also always been very anti ‘girls proposing’ hate it. Something I would never do. I also don’t want to push it or make it look like I’m putting ideas into his head. How long it too long? I’m ready and feel like we’ve done everything you should do before marriage. What’s the wait?

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfSleep · 14/05/2018 18:32

DH and I have been together for 11 years (known each other for 14 years).

February of this year I told told him I'd booked the registry office for when we were on holiday with my parents.

We got married 12 days ago. Just the DC and my parents knew about it in advance.

I honestly think waiting around for a proposal for 9 years is stupid. Sit down and have an adult discussion. If you both want to get married just do it.

Feb2018mumma · 14/05/2018 18:34

I feel for you, my sister's partner waited 7 years and she had all friends getting married before her when they had met their partners after her, he eventually proposed and they are so happy now, don't lose hope! Maybe say something to him? Just say, I am not going to rush you but I just want to check we are going to get married one day? Just so you have peace of mind he will eventually propose?

KennDodd · 14/05/2018 18:41

You say you've had two miscarriages, are you trying for a baby? I would make a baby a red line if I were you, no marriage, no baby.

Well, unless you really want a baby youself and could bring one up alone bearing all the expenses and loss of income that would bring without any financial or practical contribution from him.

CocoaGin · 14/05/2018 18:42

I think I'd be really upset. I wouldn't propose either, it's just a bit weird tbh. Does he know that it's making you unhappy? Is that a conversation you're prepared to have?

Whatever you do, please think very carefully about having children together. Legally, you're a lot less protected.

KennDodd · 14/05/2018 18:43

Oh, and I'd bin the won't ask myself attitude. If you want to get married you need to ask him so you know where you stand and what you both want from the future.

KennDodd · 14/05/2018 18:46

Little girls read too many fairy stories about a hansom princes saving them imo and so we end up with the idea that men should do all the chasing and women be the passive partner.

Lottapianos · 14/05/2018 19:19

So true Kenn

MissReginaPhilange · 14/05/2018 19:22

I proposed to my oh 8 years ago we've been togetjer nearly 10 and still not married. Do you know why...because whats the real need. We are man and wife in every other sense of the word nothing magically changes when you say I do....

MinaPaws · 14/05/2018 19:25

Propose to him. I fully intended to propose to DH but he beat me to it. I felt cheated! Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2018 20:29

What’s “weird” CocoaGin? Women having an equal say in a couple deciding to get married?

What I think is weird is a couple jointly deciding all the other major thing in their life - where to live, what house to buy or rent, jobs, especially trying to conceive - and not when, where and how to get married.

DH and I are an equal partnership. We have an equal say in all the elements of our life together. We talked about the life we wanted, we chose a house, we picked a date to get married, we’re ttc. I would have been livid if he chose our house without me or tried to get me pregnant with no discussion. It would have been equally as odd if he’d been the only one to decide we were getting married and when.

Honestly, if you can’t have a proper discussion about these things or believe one person in the couple is the boss then you have bigger fish to fry than the absence of a rose petals up the Eiffel Tower down on one knee popping of the question.

midnightmisssuki · 14/05/2018 21:19

sorry OP but it doesn't sound like he wants to marry you - or maybe he doesn't see the point seeing as how you live like a married couple already....

NotASingleFuckToGive · 15/05/2018 10:04

He already has the comfort of a partner at home, someone to do the housework, his income is protected, and sex on tap.

Nobody buys the cow when you already get the milk for free.

Mannix · 15/05/2018 10:19

You have to talk to him, OP. My DH took five years before he proposed and I thought that was a long time - I definitely wouldn't have hung around waiting for another four years!

Maybe as another poster suggested, he has interpreted your 'not being bothered about a big fancy wedding' as 'not being bothered about a wedding at all'?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 10:29

Anti-girls proposing? That's weird.

Has it also had the impact that you're additionally anti women talking about future plans etc? You allude to him knowing what your dream wedding and honeymoon would be, but have you ever actually talked about when you would want to marry and how important it is to you? Because for it not to have come up in a decade is unusual.

0LIVE · 15/05/2018 10:39

What’s fluffy robin said.

It’s funny that all these old fashioned / traditional ‘girls’ are modern enough to have pre marital sex, live together and have kids before marriage.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 10:53

Not to mention the stereotypical bloke who, when the issue of marriage is raised, suddenly becomes all traditional about wanting to plan a big Man Proposal. After having happily had sex, cohabited, and often bought property and had kids without marrying!

Although, at least the blokes in that scenario are arguably being sensible and acting in their own self interest. Delaying tactics make sense if you don't really want to get married. If you actually do though, why?

0LIVE · 15/05/2018 14:51

After having happily had sex, cohabited, and often bought property and had kids without marrying

That will be the ones who bought the house in the mans name only, because he earns more/ had some family money / wanted to provide for me / I have a poor credit history / we couldn’t get a mortgage in my name.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 15:45

Oof yeah that too.

0range99 · 15/05/2018 17:03

@MissReginaPhilange

I proposed to my oh 8 years ago we've been togetjer nearly 10 and still not married. Do you know why...because whats the real need. We are man and wife in every other sense of the word nothing magically changes when you say I do....

Your legal status magically changes. Your magically vulnerability changes. Your financial protection magically changes.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 17:56

Yeah, you're not husband and wife in any sense of the term. Zero. There's a massive legal difference between your status and that of a spouse. And you might prefer that, in which case fair enough, but do make sure it's an informed decision regina. Doesn't sound from this like it is.

Whocansay · 15/05/2018 19:31

MissReginaPhilange you are being incredibly naive.

MissReginaPhilange · 15/05/2018 19:41

@whocansay any more naive than people that jump into marriages after being together no length of time and end up divorced and in a mess.
Me and my oh are perfectly happy as we are. We will one day get married yes. But for us it changes nothing. All finances assets are already shared equally and would be if anything ever happened. Shoot me down for having a loving and trusting relationship why don't you! Because let's face facts...it doesn't change shit does it.

MissReginaPhilange · 15/05/2018 19:47

When we finally do get married it will be for love...and to cement our relationship...not to ensure financial security . Do you ever stop to think that actually just making sure you are financially able to cope on your own before you ever get serious or have children with anyone is the way forward? If by some one in a million chance he ever left and nothing was split down the middle, I would be able to manage my life perfectly. Does no one else do This?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 19:49

It does change a number of things, like it or not. Ability to disinherit the other, and to challenge a will not providing for you, for a start. Potential to make a claim on the assets of the other if the relationship ends.

You may not want these things of course. Marriage isn't for everyone. It is, however, sufficiently different legally from cohabitation to make any claim that being married would make no difference nonsensical.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 15/05/2018 19:51

Very few people would be able to pay for all household expenses and childcare in the event of a split with a partner so no, not many people do that. Of those who can, they're likely to have sufficient assets to attract IHT so quite a lot of them do it for that reason.