Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being love bombed?

111 replies

Neweternal · 10/05/2018 20:30

I met this guy for a date and yes I like him but after one, one short date (one drink) . He tells me he is in love and that's it I'm the woman for him, he can wait to have sex months and months. I'm not sure. I have had other men being keen and very available after a short time but this is different as I feel a bit of pressure to commit when I haven't had enough time to be sure about him. I do like him a lot, but I'm wary. Any advice? He is nearly 50, his kids are at boarding school I'm early 40s. How do you know the difference between being over amorous and a potential abuser. To be fair he good friends with both his ex wives.

OP posts:
Walkaboutwendy · 11/05/2018 12:47

No because whilst I do believe in love at first site, it's usually not declared so soon.

This man doesn't know you. The real you so how can he claim to love You?

Also if you read back all his messages it's full of Me or I or My. It's very ego centric. That's not love.

I think the Facebook page and taking phone calls from family during your first date is very fishy. Sounds like a con to me.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/05/2018 12:53

This isn't an 'early' love declaration, it's a total nutter who doesn't even know you.

And yes he sounds bad- really controlling. 'Stop putting up barriers'? Um- fuck off!!!

Tell you what, OP, let's do a test. Send him this text:

'Nobody's ever questioned you before? Oh dear, you'd better get used to that from me 😜! I certainly don't take anything at face value and yes, I do keep up my barriers... until I decide they're coming down. So hope you're not the bossy type 😉😉'

See what reply you get to that. And report back.

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 12:54

I think the Facebook page and taking phone calls from family during your first date is very fishy. Sounds like a con to me.

^ this.

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 12:58

There was a programme (fictionalised) about Michael Webster (killed first wife, attempted murder the second wife) on last night. One thing about him all his victims said is that he was very "convincing", listening, always took his time to reassure the woman. Obviously this person may not be like that and don't want to alarm you OP, but when you really don't know who people are (except from some "facebook" page) and only have "their" story of their lives, unfortunately (in this day and age) I think you have to tread very carefully.

All his declarations sound v odd. But obviously we haven't met him. Do you have a wariness about him at a 'gut' level? Either way, if you do proceed, be very very careful.

Bexter801 · 11/05/2018 13:00

I'd be suspicious too,1 drink and family members are phoning during that time,he discovers he loves you and informs you he's friends with his 2 ex-wives,which are 2 of his 20 friends on Facebook 😕

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 13:01

'Stop putting up barriers'?

after one date

^ Yeah. Awful that one. V strange.

Zucker · 11/05/2018 13:04

I expect on the next date he will try to charm you with..."No woman has ever stood up to me like you did." He'll declare himself intrigued by your strength and fiestiness. What he will really mean is how dare you for standing up to him and he'll show you who's boss.

RUN.

Walkaboutwendy · 11/05/2018 13:06

Maths was that the Widower? Very creepy how convincing that man was. Everything appeared so casual but was planned to the smallest detail.

WelshWitch7 · 11/05/2018 13:09

Run ..... and then run some more. Everything about this just doesn't feel right. He was supposed to be on a date with you, so why take calls from family. Especially as the date only consisted of one drink.

I feel you've really got to get to know someone, flaws and all, before declaring undying love.

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 13:09

Plus, OP seems intrigued enough to want to meet him again, as she says she's probably never met anyone quite like him, seems to know what he wants, etc etc.

This may be true because she has never met anyone that strange, unusual, weird, unhinged, possible personality disorder. This can often present (positively) as different, strong, dominant, vulnerable. But the negatives will also be there - loud and clear - if you are listening attentively, and they are what count.

Tread v v carefully OP. I think if you need to back off please do.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 11/05/2018 13:11

Years ago, I was stopped at the airport by a pilot who told me I was the person he had always been looking for, he was very respectful and looked quite sad and desperate when he said he needed to fly in half an hour and desperately asked for my phone number. I said no. He looked very sad, apologised and hurried to his flight.

I have always wondered if he was the blody soulmate I have never been able to find.

Having said that, this was before the full advent of the mobile phone so, I don’t know what future it may have had to give him the number of my landline, when I was not planning to touch base for years...

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 13:11

Yes it was the Widower, Walkabout. These men are very convincing. I feel awful for the women in these cases, because they are usually lovely, trusting individuals Sad

Olddear · 11/05/2018 13:18

I'd run a mile and hope he wouldn't stalk me! He's a weirdo.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 11/05/2018 13:22

He doesn't even know you, how can he be in love with you. I suspect what is going on in his head is that he finds you physically attractive and if he can steamroller you at this early stage then there's a good chance that he can force you to change anything about your personality that doesn't suit him.

A lot of men find it convenient to be married, they get the wife-work done for them, their emotional and sexual needs are met. So when they're single they look around for a good-enough option and set about conditioning her to be the wife that suits them. I can guarantee that if you run like the wind he will feel hard done by (not sad, although it's what he thinks 'sad' is) for a week or too and then he'll be out looking for the next best option.

MathsScience · 11/05/2018 13:37

Yes BlackAmerican insightful post and is probably the more likely scenario than The Widower. Either way its worth keeping your wits about you ...

Lemonyknickers · 11/05/2018 13:39

I have one positive experience, two friends, met at 14, he said he loved her 2 hours in, 20 years in they are still together. BUT they were 14 at the time! A 50 yr old being that pushy after one date would make me panic, and I fell in love with my DH at the first date but I didn't bloody tell him or pressure him! Give him a second chance but if he can't back off and give you space and over rides your wishes for his 'great love's then run for those hills zig zagging all the way

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 11/05/2018 13:43

Stop putting up barricades love is an amazing thing.

So is the delicious slow process of falling in love normally.

Rosielily · 11/05/2018 13:49

@NotSureThisIsWhatIWant - think I might have met your pilot, I also think you had a very lucky escape 

@Neweternal, sorry if this has been asked previously, can I ask how you met this man. Was it online dating or real life? If the former then I would be very tempted to set up a fake online profile and "monitor" his activity on dating sites.

Rosielily · 11/05/2018 13:50

@NotSureThisIsWhatIWant, sorry, my comment ended abruptly there ...... I had put a "wink" emoji..... Wink

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 11/05/2018 14:08

Rosielaly... I’m a bit inclined to believe that that is the sort of thing any pilot would do😁

To his credit, he was just my type, tall, slim and with gentle eyes. He must be about 60 now! 😁

FermatsTheorem · 11/05/2018 14:31

There are some people in my family who tell me in retrospect that they knew on the first date that this was the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. However - and this is really important - they then said "well of course I didn't tell him/her because I'd have come across as a nutter and they'd quite understandably have run a mile, plus it would have piled loads of completely unfair pressure on them to reciprocate." Instead, they were nice and relaxed abut it, gave the other person loads of space and time to come to their own conclusion.

This guy on the other hand seems to be using (possibly empty) protestations of love to push your buttons and manipulate how you behave. I'd run for the hills, OP.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/05/2018 14:34

Another one here to advise you to RUN! I was terribly flattered, naïve and vulnerable at the time. I was love-bombed after the first meeting and he would constantly talk about being honest, making a massive song and dance about being faithful and expecting total loyalty. And eventually, I found out he was a serial cheater, his ex-wife filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery, he claimed she had cheated on him. He also immediately claimed that I was the first one he ever loved and he only married his wife to allow her to stay in the UK. Yet, I found out later that he love-bombed her too and also bought her an OTT present within the first 2 weeks. Only those that are not honest and habitually cheat IMO are the ones to actually bring this up. No one else would even consider that this needed saying. Like you, I was actually bemused and feeling overwhelmed and suffocated. But I was curious and intrigued and it appealed to my vanity. Please, OP listen to your gut feeling. Don’t fall for the flattery. He’s already shown you that you really don’t actually count as an autonomous person, it’s all about him and what he wants. It’s going to get worse. A lot worse!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 11/05/2018 14:57

Fermat... they are only saying that because things worked out ok. A lot of sople think they were made for each other from the start... until they were proved wrong.

FermatsTheorem · 11/05/2018 15:04

Oh yes, I agree, it's a biased sample, *NotSure(. But the point is that normal people, even if they are subject to a coup de foudre (which may or may not work out - probably doesn't most of the time) think of the other person and engage the filter system between their brain and their mouth, so as not to freak the other person out. The fact that the chap OP's got entangled with does not engage that filter, in fact, quite the opposite, uses it to try to manipulate her into dropping her boundaries, is the thing that screams "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY NOW!" to me.

NordicNobody · 11/05/2018 16:33

I feel a bit of pressure to commit when I haven't had enough time to be sure about him

he seem reluctant to give me space

no one has ever questioned him in his life before

I should just let him love me

He's made you feel "uncomfortable", "suffocated", and "guilty"

And you've only had ONE DATE with this lunatic.

THESE 👆👆👆 are the signs that mark out an abused from a romantic.

It actually makes me want to cry that you're considering going on a second date with this guy. I can't believe I'm about to post this on two threads in a row but PLEASE stop dating and consider getting some counselling instead. Do not resume dating until you are able to spot these red flags from 1000 miles away!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.