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Original poster

ChattyHan's DP just dropped a bombshell...

92 replies

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:06

Ok, so it turns out what's been eating him is he's not sure he likes where his life is going. Doesn't want the family thing anymore! Not sure if he wants me! and doesn't want the baby i'm carrying (22wks pregnant)What the F**K!!!!????

OP posts:
beansprout · 16/05/2007 20:08

It is very common for men to freak out at some point during the pregnancy. His life will change, so will yours, so will your relationship, he will be responsible for both of you and he is probably scared. Can you sit and talk about it?

Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:10

The only thing he is sure about is that he loves DS who is 2.5 to bits!

Told me he had feelings for a girl when he was out a couple of weeks ago!

I know he's been a bit distant but i thought it was money worries and the fact we just found out the baby is a boy and we both were hoping for a girl!

Can't get my head round this - Do i laugh or cry?

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CountTo10 · 16/05/2007 20:14

I would say something similar to beansprout. I go through these feelings myself sometimes as does dp - especially when its all getting stressful about money! I would say you need to continue talking and try and get him to establish if it is just a fed up moment thinking is this what my life is about and i just want a bit more freedom etc or whether he seriously does not want to be with you anymore as the two are very different.

MorocconOil · 16/05/2007 20:23

Chattyhan, you must be feeling devastated. Has this come totally out of the blue? Have you had discussions like this before? It could just be that he is feeling very stressed by having another dependant. Try to keep calm and maybe try and give him some time to think clearly.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:29

we went through a rough patch when DS was born and he had trouble adjusting to fatherhood - going out til 3am etc. But i put my foot down and that stopped - for the past 2 years it's been great we were ttc for 7 months and DP proposed in march. We were both a bit disappointed to hear the baby is another boy and i thought that was his problem so gave him some space - he's been out quite a lot recently but he DJ's as a second job so some of it's been work!

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MorocconOil · 16/05/2007 20:40

Perhaps he's been enjoying going out, dj-ing etc and he realises it's going to be difficult to keep it up when you have 2 little ones to look after. However he could have a regular night out after number two arrives. Have you got family nearby who could help out so you could have some nights out together when you are up to it. It sounds as though he's still enjoying having an active social life that doesn't involve children. How old is he?

Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:47

He's always had a minimum of every thurs night out with friends and sometimes mon too. I've never moaned unless it gets more than this. No family nearby unfortunately! He's nearly 28, i'm 25. He was in a serious relationship before me where she had 3 kids (though not his) so he's not new to family life!

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FilBrit · 16/05/2007 20:51

ChattyHan - [[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]] what a bombshell to have dropped on you!

I don't know what advice to give but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I hope you are able to work things out.

FilBrit x

Bouquetsofdynomite · 16/05/2007 20:53

Ooh seen this so many times, IRL and on here.
Sounds like he's got carried away with a fantasy of the childfree life and frightened himself with this girl. The fact that he's talking to you about it is good, shows you are the person he turns to when he's confused and means he's only thinking about this other life, not actually living it. It's horrid for you I know but it could eventually bring you closer together. Once he sorts his head out and begs your forgiveness (I'm sure he will) you must promise not to punish him too long, you'll have to be the bigger man. Unkindness is more likely to drive him away than his fantasy.
Do you ever get out together without your LO? Could be time for a date.
Good luck, keep strong.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 16/05/2007 20:56

PS you also need to 'get a life' iyswim, difficult I know when you're pg and knackered. For your own self-esteem you need to be getting out, feeding your mind, reminding yourself what a catch you are.
Cost of a babysitter is worth it in your case I think.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:56

I hope you're right bouquetsofdynamite - no we don't get out together because with his dj-ing and socialising he just wants to stay in on the remaining nights - theres also money to think of! but it might be worth a go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 20:58

this is not helped by lack of friends! the only people i know are in with kids i go out once a month with a group of mums and i'm starting pregnancy yoga in a couple of weeks.

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bananabump · 16/05/2007 21:09

Chattyhan I really hope I'm not right but reading between the lines it sounds like he may have already slept with this girl and that's why he's freaking out.

Do you know where he was/how long he was out/who he was with that night?

He has NO RIGHT to put you through this after 7 months of ttc. Sorry but what a bastard.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 21:24

i really don't know whether or not he slept with her - he was out dj-ing until 3am and he's been out late other nights so he could have logistically - i'd like to think he hasn't - he's always felt very strongly about cheaters!

OP posts:
Bouquetsofdynomite · 16/05/2007 21:38

I wouldn't have read that between the lines! He might well be a very nice bloke and the mere feelings are enough to freak him out. TTC will have been stressful for him too don't forget, plus the gender thing, enough to retreat into fantasyland. All right for some eh, when would you get a chance to do that? LOL
But if you want to save your family you have to assume the best and trust him to make the right decision and trust him if he says he hasn't actually done anything. I'm not saying be a doormat, give him hell by all means but give him light at the end of the tunnel, something more than his DS to come home to. I know it's not fair, I know 2 ladies IRL who've been through this (both times no more than a snog occurred) and have come out the other side stronger and more respected by their other halves.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 16/05/2007 23:01

And Lynette's just gone through the opposite scenario in Desperate Housewives tonight if you want to get a different perspective!

jabuti · 16/05/2007 23:05

oh chatty! how stressful for you to have to deal with something like that during pregnancy. i know i can bounce off the wall for so many little things at the moment...

you do need support in RL at the moment, it might not be enough just venting here. anyone around?

SherlockLGJ · 16/05/2007 23:07

Ok where are you ?

Can any of us babysit and allow you guys to go out ??

Uki · 17/05/2007 01:22

Oh Chattty
That's some bomb to drop, I'm really sorry that he is being so heartless.

I think you are honstly too good for him. To be honest I can't see how others are saying give him some time, allow him some nights out and all this. Do you want to put up with all this forever, I've seen friends try this, year in year out the men keep taking drugs drinking etc, carrying on like teenagers, flirting with other women while out. It's just not fair unless you have agreed to an open relationship.

I told my dh about your thread as we had similar gd, When we found out it was another boy he brought me a bunch of flowers and said we could try again if we wanted, he said he didn't really care about the gender and was happy, even though we have both always wanted a girl. It's helped alot to have him support me like this, besides we did make this child together
After I told him about this current bomb your dp has droped. He said "she should leave him"

I hope not to hurt you more by touting (i'm lucky or anything)I just know your self esteem is probably suffering right now, but you shouldn't have to pander to him. He can't change his mind now, that's just not fair.

Thinking of you

Original poster
Chattyhan · 17/05/2007 07:13

Well i can't sleep and it's upsetting me even more that he can! - not sure what time he rolled in but the baby's been really active since about 5 am and i can't help but feel sorry for myself.

My mum's on holiday in Spain at the moment and she phoned me last night and i just blurted it out she's not back for another week!

I just don't feel i can cope on my own right now.

OP posts:
isheisnthe · 17/05/2007 07:30

chatty - you will get through this - there are so many lovely people with advice on hear. Am in te middle of my own bit of crap with p at the mo - he has decided he wants to leaveme, ds1 (4) ds2 (3.2) as he has "hit a brick wall" WTF

Men - children the lot of them
Good luck x

Uki · 17/05/2007 07:36

It's not fair Chatty, I can imagine already being preganant and emotional and having to think of your LO as well as this, is alot.

What are you going to do? Is your mum helpful and supportive?

You will have a good future, don't worry about too much now, everything will work out.

Uki · 17/05/2007 07:38

Can you and ds go stay somewhere for a couple of days, might help.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 17/05/2007 08:15

Uki to answer your questions my mum is very supportive but works 6 days a week and is a single mum to my 14yr old bro. she only has a 2 bed flat, no money and lives 4 hrs away. So there's not much practical stuff she can do!

There isn't really anywhere i can go partly because the car is his and he needs it for work! and he's out the next 3 nights!

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Original poster
Chattyhan · 17/05/2007 08:18

OK so he just read my thread!

but i think it's actually a good thing - once he'd got over shouting 'no he hadn't cheated on me' - he said he hadn't realised how much he was hurting me or how it looked from the other side.

He's suggested i get a babysitter for sun and we'll go out.

He says we will sort this out.

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