ChattyHan's DP just dropped a bombshell...

[Chattyhan]

Ok, so it turns out what's been eating him is he's not sure he likes where his life is going. Doesn't want the family thing anymore! Not sure if he wants me! and doesn't want the baby i'm carrying (22wks pregnant)What the F**K!!!!????

Hi Chatty... I'm sorry he's feeling like he's got issues with you rather than the situation. Kind of begs the question what was he doing with you all these years? Presumably you've been together for a bit if you've got a ds of 2.5. Is he just making excuses? How did you guys meet? There must have been something you had in common or the relationship wouldn't really have started would it, or am I being naive? Perhaps your conversations with him should look back at those early days and work out what brought you together in the first place to see if you can recapture some of that again. We don't always have to live in each others pockets and do everything together. My parents have so little in common I can't see how they're together still, but they are, and it's 42 years this September since they married. You don't both have to be mad keen golfers or whatever to make a relationship work, you just have to both want it to work. I hope you get some answers soon, because the not knowing what's really wrong is the hardest.

well we were only together for 15months before DS was born and he was planned - I was fresh out of Uni and DP and I were a big naive about how fabulous it would be to have a baby. We both agree we didn't think it through but DS is here and we both love him to bits - whilst i have embraced parenthood DP has had a little more trouble.

We met in a bar where i was working and hit it off straight away. Moved in after 5 wks and i finished my studies and we were out in bars quite a bit. we went to the cinema and out for dinner but lack of money has put a stop to it now.

I don't honestly know if we have a future after DP recent comments. I thought we did but i can't be a different person just to please him.

Chatty - you're so right you do need to be yourself, you deserve someone who will love you for the wonderful vibrant person yo are.

Your yoga class sounds like a great way to meet some new people. I do know how hard it can be to make new friends, we moved to a new country when I was 6 months pregnant with my dd (shes now 3) and I had to work really hard to meet new people, but hang in there you will eventually find some lovely new friends and it will all be worth it.

Take care of yourself hugs ]]]]]]]]

Love FilBrit x

Chatty, Yoga group for pregnancy sounds a great opportunity to meet some new women friends and focus positively on your new little son. You seem very strong, and whatever the future holds for you, you will have 2 fantastic sons!!

thanks - i don't feel strong - my mum just phoned from spain to see how i was which was nice. but i feel like i've ruined her holiday!
DP told me he won't be late so i've found my sexiest maternity clothes! and put on make up, jewellery, high heels - well it's made me feel better even if he's still not interested.
Thought i'd try and remind him i'm still the same person he fell for!

Oh Chatty ,Was just catching up on our other thread and noticed all this.

Cant imagine what you must be feeling and I dont really know what to say,I cant believe he`s doing this.

I hope so much you can sort things out.
Thinking of you and sending postive vibes your way.

((((((xxxxxxxxx))))))
MMooMar

Chatty, just been catching up and your post about him saying things have gone stale/ he has a problem with the person you are etc, I think that you have simply grown up as you've become a parent while he still wants to be a child and is very immature. I know it feels like it but the possibility of splitting up from your ds's father isn't quite the end of the world. I ended the relationship with ds1's father when I was 4 months pg with him as he had similar issues (as well as some anger/violence ones) and I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've ever done. I decided that however much I was looking forward to being a mum, I wasn't prepared to 'mother' him too. Stand back for a bit and concentrate on what YOU want, cause that's what really matters in all this. Stop doing all his washing etc and let him clear up after himself. If he does it wrong, let him. You are strong even if pg hormones stop you feeling it atm, and whatever the outcome you will get through it, esp with (almost) 2xds to love and cuddle you. I think you really need to ask yourself: supposing he does decide to stay, deep down will you be secure or on edge waiting for him to have another little personal crisis? maybe you should ask him to sleep in another room/stay elsewhere for a week or so and give yourself the time and space to get your head around it all. Thoughts are with you chatty xx

How did it go last night Chatty?

If money is an issue his hobbies all sound quite expensive TBH, I'll bet a night's clubbing costs at least £50. Could he be persuaded to give one up 'temporarily' so you could spend the money on a hobby for you? Pregnancy yoga springs to mind.
And perhaps give up another to spend the money on babysitters for you both to go out and have fun together?
Have you thought about childminding from home once the baby's settled in? Then you'd be able to get out to toddler groups, meet other childminders, parents if you were doing schoolruns etc.

Loobylou - i think you've hit the nail on the head that is exactly the conclusion i've come to. Don't want to make any rash decisions and some time apart is an idea i've suggested - might help me realise i can cope on my own!

He has said he will not walk out on me. He will always be there for his kids and for me as the mother of his kids - babysitting/giving me a break/ coming round to help. He's just not sure he can live with me as a partner/lover.

This has really damaged my self confidence that i can't make him happy.

bouquetsofdynamite - can't childmind from home because landlord won't let me and house unsuitable anyway - also not qualified in childcare so can't become registered without time and money.
As for money - this has always been an issue - DP pays all the bills except for my mobile and the groceries/clothes/nappies/ shoes/petrol for me and DS - i pay for that out of my measly wage and child benefit etc. so i've got no money for going out or babysitters. DP does not give me any money and i hate having to ask - i tried suggesting housekeeping or a joint account but he won't do it. If i ask him for the odd £10 he will give it to me but i tend to say can i borrow and 9 out of 10 times he accepts it back. DP doesn't have much left after bills but i'm sure it's a lot more than i have!

So last night!!!!!

DISASTER - he didn't turn up until 12.30am and i'd fallen asleep on the sofa! He woke me and asked me if i'd been out! (cos with DS asleep and no car and no money that was an option) I said i'd done it for him, was expecting him earlier and was making an effort! He said 'oh' and went to sleep. we rowed about it this morning. I said he could have at least said sorry or that i looked nice or thanks - i said if he wants to try and work at this he has to try too. Theres no point if i'm doing all the work and he's ignoring it!

Needless to say feeling a bit pathetic and angry today - we've talked a lot about what would happen if we split which makes me think he can't see us sorting it out.

Oh dear Chatty,
How are you feeling?????

I am soo angry for you i just want to swear. What a complete &%$&% he is.

He deserves a life of hell.

On the brighter side, It is better you now know what he is like. Better now than later, you will move forward from this. It will work out finacially and emotionally for you and ds's.

I know you are probably really hurt and angry and also trying to keep it together, The best advice I have is just give him the complete cold sholder, and let him try and work out all the logistics of the break-up. You should just conentrate on yourself and baby and ds, which are most important and will grow up loving you to pieces.

If he is anywhere decent, he should have guilt by the truckload and should do his best to make your life easy and comfortable right now.

thanks Uki - i'm feeling a little better - was definately more angry yesterday than emotional and i'm trying to be practical about what i need to do to prepare myself if he does go.

I've suggested a trial separation - he goes and stays with a friend for about a week and can do what he wants - see if that is the life he wants/have some space to get his head together.
I can then have a week of what it would be like for me and DS - it may even make me stronger - realise it's not the end of the world and i can cope.
He says if he goes he wants to be nearby so we can still share the car - i can have it in the day and he can have it in the evenings. for the trial he will leave his work van(with tracker) at the house and pick up the car, then in the am he will drive over and swap back before work. This means i can work/socialise in the day and he can get about in the pm - if i want it in the pm he'll come and babysit!

Hi Chatty, Glad to hear you are dealing with it ok, You are amazing to take it all so well.
I just want to gut him, opps sorry

I can tell you still really love him, and he really is silly to leave you. You sound so commited and thoughtful, he may not ever find this again.

I mean some men think leaving is easy, but they can't really just walk away, they still have to be financially supportive and do shared responsibilities. Above all I think that this will make it 20x as hard for him to have any other relationship, who would want a man who left his pg partner?

The trial seperation sounds like a good idea, and you should try and get out and see some movies or something.

How are you feeling about the baby now?

thanks - i'm feeling ok about the baby - just that it makes everything slightly more complicated. Being pregnant makes me needy, emotionally, physically and financially. I woory how i'll cope in late stages of pregnancy and in the early days with a new baby and a toddler - this isn't helped by the fact there is no family nearby. If i thought for one minute our relationship was unstable i would never have had another child - i feel guilty about bringing a child into the world this way. As for the gender disappointment - that feels so irrelevent now.

Last night was good - we actually enjoyed each others company for a couple of hours - laughed and joked and he delayed going out til 10. It gave me hope - deep down we do like each others company!

He's read the postings and thinks i'm making him out to be the bad guy when really no one is at fault??!!

He was annoyed i hadn't posted about the good time we had last night. I said i hadn't really been chatting today - i'd just answered a couple of peoples questions.

Sorry, assumed as you're a nanny already CMing would be easy.
Glad you had a good night.
What are his plans with the DJing? Is that what he'd ideally like to do for a living? Or is it just extra cash? Where is the extra cash going? Could it be towards new baby costs, childcare, etc? Think you need to cost up what you each earn and spend, then compare - could be an eye-opener for him. A good financial overview would clear both your heads a little, working on the assumption that you will stay together (well let's stay positive) - you need to find a way to make your money work for you as a family before considering how things would work apart.

Hi Chatty

It's good that you feel ok about the baby, and I understand you would be worried too

I'm glad you had a good couple of hours but this is probably just setting you up for more disappointment if he is going to leave.

I'm not sorry he thinks his the bad guy. HE IS he is taking the what he thinks is the easy option to leave because he sees you and family life as dull. He seems to think going out and djing and all is more important, than having two adorable children and a partner that loves him.

The going out stuff doesn't last, you can't keep doing that your whole life. It will become boring too. What makes life intresting is moving on and finding new things, like having fabulous family holidays.

I agree that no one is perfect and maybe you both need to change a bit to make it work. My dh believes strongly in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from venus" He thinks we are different and that men hate being nagged about housework etc, but will do it in an instant if you say what you want with out saying it in a nagging way, anyway it solved our problem so it worked for us.

I guess I'm trying to say you can work out small issues like this but only if the commitment is really there.

Would you consider moving if this doesn't work out?

Hello Chatty,

I'm new to this thread and so angry that your DP is putting you through this. I go on another board and this happens all the time .

I would assume the worse (which you seem to be doing) and plan for single motherhood. If it does turn out for the best at least you will have had a massive confidence boost to realise that you can do it alone and this will boost you for the rest of your relationship with him.

As for the gender thing - two boys will be lovely, I promise. I know I will annoy everyone on here with boy/girl families, but two of the same sex play so well together generally and if you are going to be on your own, will probably less work for you because of that.

At least he's trying to be sensible about the car etc.

crayon - thanks for your post and i agree with what you said.

Uki - i don't think i would consider moving initially because my family isn't all in one place. I could move to the south west from south east to be nearer my parents and DP's parents but that means leaving all my mum friends, my job and what i've known for the last 4 yrs - it also means separating DP from the children and not having a car.

Uki thanks for your regular posts - it has really helped this week.

Well i refused to go to DP's parents today as i said i wasn't going to pretend everything is ok when it isn't! So i've had a quiet day on my own - can't remember the last time that happened! I told him i wanted him to tell his parents the truth about why i wasn't there and also talk to them about the situation. Just wondering now what is happening - wish i could be a fly on the wall!

Hi Chattyhan, It is good to hear you sounding upbeat. Well done for not going to the ILs. It was a good ploy to force him to think about his behaviour. If he told them he has sure to have been asked many, many questions. If he didn't tell them does that mean he is not at all clear about what is going to happen next?

If he did tell his parents you will hopefully be offered some support soon. I suppose that may depend on how honest he is to them about his recent behaviour.

Hope you managed to get a bit of rest.

Well I'm not giving up on him! Assuming he does come to his senses and realise you are his soulmate (in disguise as a lonely, put-upon mum):
Maybe a total relocation could be good for all of you? A fresh start with fresh 'systems' in place (eg finances organised in a more committed way, nights out agreed etc), nearer the free childcare so you have more freedom. You'd both be starting again socially too so on an equal footing and it would be a new adventure to share and work together, new things to talk about! And with another boy on the way you'll be fine with a 2bedroom place.

hi chatty, i've been following your story since the pregnancy thread. i always think too much and write too little on the relationship threads, its just hard for me to make any judgement without seeing the person. but thats the nature of forums... not much we can do about it.

from everything i've been reading here, i think you are doing very well in facing the situation and you dont seem in denial, as so other threads i've read seem to be.

i thought a lot about the 'boring' bit, your partner finding you boring, etc. thats a topic that interests me because i do wonder why so many people blame their partner to be boring. i think the word 'boring' is a bit harsh and doesnt explain much but ultimately has to do with compatibility. if you have grown apart from your partner, one side is bound to find the other one boring. that happened to me (and i did find my old partner boring when i was breaking up with him) and some of my friends. and you seem to know that you have very different priorities from your partner at the moment. for that and for choosing not to put on a show for his family, i think you've been real with the whole story.

have a good sunday!

Hi Again Chatty

I'm glad my posts are helping a little, even if they are at od hours (I'm in Oz) i was wondering if I should stop, but really feel for you, knowing what it's like to be pg and with a toddler and all. I guess i can't help thinking of you and hoping for you.

I thought you would say that about moving, It's a big thing and has lots of plus and minuses.

Although I kinda agree with what dynamite says, as my dh and i both moved to a completly different environment from city to country recently, it has been wonderful to have a change and re prioritize our lives. I've moved away from all my family and friends, but have made some new ones and with intenet it's all close, even shopping LOL. I guess it just makes everything intresting. i didn't want to be in the city anymore because i don't have the time, money or energy for all the going out.

Anyway digressing, I hope he did tell IL's and get some good advice from them.

Nice to hear you had a day to yourself too.