ChattyHan's DP just dropped a bombshell...

[Chattyhan]

Ok, so it turns out what's been eating him is he's not sure he likes where his life is going. Doesn't want the family thing anymore! Not sure if he wants me! and doesn't want the baby i'm carrying (22wks pregnant)What the F**K!!!!????

Best of luck, chattyhan. I hope he knows what he could lose!

Good to hear.

Relationships can definately take work sometimes. Dh and I got married when we were 21 and 25, and have now been together 11 years. We did the whole rave/dance thing too - was great fun, dh had a band, but both of us have other interests now. I hope you two can grow together too.

Good luck

Chatty,

I really hope this works out for you! Good luck for Sunday. But before you go out on Sunday with him, I'd like you to remember the following things:

(1) he is ultimately being very selfish indeed. It's easy for him to 'feel worried about where his life is going' - you do not have that luxury because you have the baby growing inside you and you can't walk away!

(2) NONE of this is your fault

(3) You need to do whatever is right for you. it's all very easy for us to say 'leave him' but you're probably thinking that would impossible right now! On that basis, you need to work out in advance what you actually need from him and insist on it.

I think I'd be perfectly reasonable. I'd say:

"I can see that you're feeling stressed by this pregnancy. I understand and I love you very much. But all this is causing me stress too! And I need support while I am pregnant, not stress. Ultimately, I can't really cope with your stress right now. You either need to get over it for the moment and support and love me for the next 4 months, or you need to tell me that you can't. I can't have the stress of you toing and froing emotionally over the next few months as I get bigger and more tired."

I think he needs to see how selfish his behaviour is...

I really hope you can both sort this out, for both of your sakes and your dear children.

Anyway, two boys is going to be fabulous, rejoice in what you have and not what may have been

Oh Chatty, really feeling for you. Are you still working? I really think that if nothing else you need to join some toddler/play groups and build a social circle. I only started doing this recently after feeling a bit isolated and it's helped like you wouldn't believe. Maybe you could bring up the subject on sunday about how you need to get out and maybe after LO arrives you could find yourself a part-time job (e.g. in the evenings?) so that you get out of the house and dp can't argue about giving up/reducing his evening commitments as you will be bringing in some money. I'm sure this will build up your confidence, and your independence. xx

I am working 4 days a week at the moment but it's nannying so no chance to meet people/ talk to adults! I can't find a toddler gp that i get on with and fits in around my schedule but my mon and tues work is finishing soon so i'll try again then! I do have a few friends but they only seem to be able to meet up once a week or once a month and it still leaves me feeling quite isolated.

Hi Chattyhan. Make sure he really knows how much he is LOVED and NEEDED. A good man will meet his family responsibilities. Hope you have some nice time alone together xx

what a tosser.

Hi Chatty, so sorry to hear your dp is giving you so much grief. Now I may be a bit controversial here but my thinking on this is; do your utmost to show him how strong and together you are. Some might say that's pandering to his insecurities, but I think sometimes men panic at the responsibility especially when faced with an emotional weepy hormonal woman (I'm not saying you are that woman at all, it's just that sometimes we can all be a bit like that if we're honest with ourselves). He's probably attracted to this other girl because right now she's fun, she's carefree, she's independent, she's up for it. Now of course you can't do anything about the fact that you have a ds and another one on the way, but you can show him you don't actually NEED him (even if you do).

I think (and maybe I'm totally wrong on this, feel free to disagree) that men find clingy desperate women a real turn off, and a strong, attractive independent woman a real turn on. So in this case, my plan of action would be to hold it together as much as possible, don't even mention the situation, pretend like you're not actually that bothered cos you know, if he left, you wouldn't actually collapse and die! Always look your best, don't show your vulnerable side to him, that's what girlfriends are for. To paraphrase James Bond, never let them see you bleed.

Reading this back it all sounds really harsh, but I've always believed smart girls don't play in to men's expectations that we're all weak and emotional and we desperately NEED them to hold us together. Maybe deep down some of that IS true, but I don't see why we have to let them see it. If we do, we give them every reason to run away and hide from their responsibilities.

Maybe I'm totally wrong on this, and feel free to totally disregard everything I've said. It's just how I'd play it.

I hope sunday night goes well, glam yourself up girl, be the woman he wants, laugh alot, have fun, talk about fun things, talk about some great things you can do in the future before you discuss your relationship. Let him see that the future with you and your kids doesn't have to be endless drudgery with no fun. You don't particularly want that either!

XX

clingy = no dignity and self respect.

Hi chatty, just a thought, does he get a chance to talk to other dads? You've said he works a lot, including evenings, but does he ever get a chance to gas like girls do. I ask because my dh and so many others have serious wobbles during dp/w's pregnancies and in the first year of lo's lives. Some of the things that got to my dh have been financial worry, worry about just having an extra little person to care for, worry about upsetting happy applecarts, worry that I physically won't have enough time or energy for him, etc etc blah blah blah. We had this after the birth of the 1st, during pregnancy of 2nd and a little bit in this pregnancy.

His worries manifest in many ways, and differs from man to man. Do you think he is stressing about any of this? The only thing that helped my dh was talking to others which helped him realise he wasn't the only one to feel this way. His gp has taken good him, even given him ad's when needed. He also had counselling which really helped. But of course men being men, its very hard to get them to see they need help. To start with I tried to encourage him to talk to his friends and brothers just so he can see he's not the only one to feel this way.

Now don't be thinking I'm giving him excuses for acting the way he is. He's a big boy now and he's living in a big boy's world and really should be showing you some more consideration. He sounds disappointed he hasn't got a girl (yet). Maybe he should sit back and wonder how he'd feel as a daddy if his girl's dp treated her the way he's treating you. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy. And he'd want to protect her. Well just now he should be nurturing and protecting you and the little life growing inside you. And not his social life. I hope he gets his head sorted soon.

DP, if you're still reading this thread, give chatty a big, big hug and remind her how fantastic she is for giving you two sons. However this works out, she'll always be your boys' mummy and deserves your love and respect for that. Good luck both of you. Chatty, see you back on the heaven thread - seemed a good title a little while ago, not so sure now. K xx

he does get to talk to other dads but they've all had up/down relationships. No one seems to paint him a very good picture of family life i don't think. He told me two friends said 'do what makes you happy, if you want to leave - go' another said 'you've got responsibilities and talk to DP'.

MrsMar - i'm a bit reluctant to be strong and independent cos thats who i tend to be anyway - i run the house, the finances and treat him very well. whilst i occasionally moan about him helping me more - which he's got better at - generally i think he has it pretty good and a lot of people think too good.

Hi Chatty... obviously you know your situation better, sorry if I misread it. I hope sunday goes well!

chatty i've avoided this as i didn't want to say anything to upset you

but your situation sounds very similar to where i found myself 6 months ago. i am very independent, run the finances, good job, let dh pretty much do whatever he wants (people also commented that he had it 'too' good) and out of the blue, he was suddenly 'unhappy with his life, unsure where it was going, and didn't really want the family thing anymore'

in hindsight (great thing) i now know that was because he was having an affair, going through a difficult time in his life, and wanted 6 months to be a single man and do what the hell he wanted.

he is now back home, begging for another chance, his relationship in tatters, and his wife going through hell.

now i have no idea about your situation and would never suggest your dp is doing the same.

however i want you to be aware of my story as there was absolutely nothing i could do - the ultimatums didn't work, pretending i didn't care and getting on with my life didn't work, reminding him of his responsibilities didn't work - he came back when he realised the grass wasn't any greener. so don't beat yourself up over which way you should approach this.

the best advice i can give is be yourself, look after yourself, and the fact that you and the children are everything he needs will shine through.
also discuss your future, take turns to discuss your dreams and desires and how you could fulfil that for each other. discuss any issues you've had in the past and how you will both make sure they never happen again.
but most of all - do not excuse his behaviour. you can cope without him. you don't need this shit at this time in your life. and he is very lucky to have you. (always remember that.) and the sooner he realises that the better

xx

Hi Again chatty

i just want to echo a little of what mylittlestar and Mrs Mar said, I don't think you need to work out how to approach it/how to act.

I think it is up to him. He should be more than anything honest with you, He is the one that really needs to work himself out and give you 100%. If he truly wants to give it all away, then there is nothing you can do, and would be prolonging the inevitable, if you tried to make him stay, if you are independant and strong as you say, you'll probably cope better on your own.

Here's two examples-
My best friend left her dh, and 8 years on she has bought her own flat, loves her two boys to pieces and has an unbelivable job. Her x-dh has none of this and is still growing up at age 43, Her SIL left her dh too and also had 2 boys, she has run her own business and recently met a new man and just had dd at age 43 with him.

I know I'm just sprouting stories, but just wanted to give you some other scenarios.

He's said his issues are more with me as a person - he thinks our relationship is stale. wants more excitment. thinks everytime he tries to help me around the house it's not good enough.(well he is a bit crap - misses loads when he hoovers, washing up still dirty, soap in wrong washing machine drawer) and whilst i do try and bite my tongue it makes more work for me. oh and he doesn't think our sex life is good (we've been banned for 4 months due to preg complications) I'm not sex mad and probably play it safe quite a bit - it's not frequency that's an issue more the same boring stuff that he says bothers him. He told me he thinks i should get a life.

Problem is i don't think i can be the person he wants - i don't go out because i don't have anyone to go out with - and that's not for want of trying - the bar scene isn't me and he loves it and i just don't see where to go from here. I've accepted that right now i'm a mum and that takes all my energy - i'm young and i've got plenty of time to be me later! He however, wants it all.

I don't know where to go from here - i said whilst i'm happy to make an effort i can't change who i am - he needs to decide if he wants me or not.

you can be a mum and still have a life too. it is possible.

totally agree with you that he needs to decide if he loves you for who you are or not.

but you need to decide what you want too. is he the person for you?

with 2 children involved i really hope you can sort this out. find interests that you can do together. find ways to spice up things in the bedroom. find out where your local MN meet-up is and start making new friends...

oh dear real life happened to him. tell him to piss off and get some balls - no matter who he is fucking there will always be nappies and washing up - there aint no fairies that do it.

dickhead.

money is a big problem when it comes to interests - he like golf, clubbing, banger racing, computer games - and i hate all that i like cooking, meeting people, reading and used to like dancing/theatre but it's been a while - we have nothing in common! I've tried meeting people but we very rarely click and when we do they seem too busy to do anything.

do you want to try and make this work?

you could find ways to compromise if you both wanted to. what did you used to do before the children? you must have done things together that you enjoyed?

surely there are films you could both watch? you could cook him a nice romantic meal if you like cooking. he could take you to the theatre. then you could go for a few drinks with him afterwards if that's what he enjoys...

there are ways round this if you want it. but i do think you need to get some friends and interests of your own. there will be millions of people out there that you click with. get yourself to a meet-up. look for local mum and baby groups. find a club or interest that you can do (whilst leaving the children with him!) and that way you will meet like-minded people....

you need to decide what you want though. if you want to devote your life 100% to your children, and have no other interests or friends to meet then that is up to you of course. but i'm not too sure you'd be 100% happy and fulfilled xx

chattyhan - just wanted to say im sorry it has turned out like this for you, and that he has said all this to you.

i hope you are ok x

Scorpio - i couldn't read your post without bursting into tears so i suppose that answers your question. No i'm not and i don't know where to turn - i'm devastated.

{{{{hugs}}}}

sounds like you need them

turn to him. make him face up to this and make him tell you how he intends to put this right and be the dp and father that you all deserve... xx

thanks littlestar your posts have been really helpful - i've posted on the meet-ups board so we'll see how that goes and i'm planning on starting pregnancy yoga next tues. I just feel really vunerable at the moment and like i want someone to scoop me up and take care of me - real life sucks!

awww well we can scoop you up, look after you, and help you as much as we can

I wanted to give you some practical advice, but right now it sounds as though you just need some support and people to listen to you

pregnancy yoga sounds a great idea

and hopefully going out on sunday with dp will give you both a real chance to see if you can get to the bottom of this. plenty of people want to bail out whenever the going gets tough. plenty of people what an 'exciting' life... but as responsible adults and parents we prioritise and remember the joy our loved ones and children bring us

hopefully your dp can start to remember that

xx