ChattyHan's DP just dropped a bombshell...

[Chattyhan]

Ok, so it turns out what's been eating him is he's not sure he likes where his life is going. Doesn't want the family thing anymore! Not sure if he wants me! and doesn't want the baby i'm carrying (22wks pregnant)What the F**K!!!!????

Hi Chatty
just wanted to post to let you know that if the worst does happen, it's not as bad as you expect it to be

I have a 5 week old baby boy and a 3.5 yr old boy, and i've been on my own since i was about 18 wks pg

I love having 2 boys and it does make it easier as a single parent because they can share clothes/toys etc

I'm only 25 so I miss going out but before I had ds2 I found I went out more than my married friends becase ds1 would go to his dad every weekend and that time was mine to do as i wished so i didn't feel bad about going out!

of course, now ds2 is permanently attached to my norks i'm going nowhere for a while

Hi everyone and thanks for your thoughtful posts. This thread has really helped my to come to terms with what's happening.

I sent a card (hidden with his mums presents) basically saying i was sorry i couldn't be with them and however things work out they will always be an important part of mine and the childrens lives. I wanted to hint at how serious the situation was incase DP didn't say anything.

His mum phoned me in the afternoon saying he'd just left and couldn't believe what was happening - she said she was so sorry and that they love me to bits and will be there for me, whatever happens. She burst in to tears on the phone and we spent 20mins talking.

I did get a babysitter and we went to the pub for 2 hrs it was good we talked and i feel we did enjoy each others company - we came home - had great sex - then he went down the pub!

Whilst he said he was going to brag to his mates about what a good time we'd had. I feel he could have stayed - maybe sent them a text saying he couldn't make it because he was with me...

I did make a point of saying sex is only part of the relationship and if he's not prepared to work on other areas then it's not right to use me - also he can't leave and have it all - he can't be the single man one minute and turn up on the doorstep cos he fancies spending time with his kids the next - i also said if he does decide to go there will be no way back.

bouquetsofdynamite & Uki - you both make very good points about moving and if he decides to stay i may suggest we look into it - we're on Surrey/hants border so everything is v.expensive and we have discussed a move to a cheaper area before. the one issue is DP works in cable and where our families live there is no cable!!!

Jabuti - several of my friends have said 'it's his fault you're boring' by leaving me to run the house, care for DS with little support i've gradually lost my identity - if he'd have shared the boring stuff we'd have had the time and energy for exciting stuff together!

Ellenkpa - it's so nice to hear from someone who's been there and is ok! Interestingly i'm 25 too but never really missed going out - maybe because i grew up in a pub but i just don't enjoy the pub/club scene. I'm happy to go out to a pub for a couple of hours once a week but that's about all i can stand!

He went to the pub after your date!!! Flippin'ell I've been standing up for him so far but he really has to try a bit harder. I'd have a bit more respect if he was more of a gentleman.
We all have to change a bit when we have kids and yes having 2 small children does suck a lot of the time (I'm there now), but think about what your family brings to the rest of your life, don't just focus on what you're missing out on now.

Hi Chatty

I'm always here arn't I, wanted to know how the IL'S went.

I burst in to tears reading about MIL, what a good idea to send the card and that is so sweet of her to be there for you and care.
that's really great for you.

I hope she also gives dp a little shuv in the right direction, I'm sure we would with our ds's!!!

I'm glad you also said no comming back if you go, you need to do that.
Not sure you should of have bd him, BUT I was watching a BBC doco on love (last night)and it said that "if you have enough sex with a partner you will fall in love with them" a natural checmial/hormonal reaction. Makes alot of sence why patners have affairs and give up so much only to realize soon after that it was silly. Intresting too that the love phase doesn't last that long, enough to procreate. It then has to develop into companionship love.

Anyway I guess that's why we need to bd, so hopefully it will help your situation.

That's annoying that you can't move because of cable, but could be lots of work there when it does happen!!!

It's a shocker that men have to go to the pub so much no wonder you can't bond. I had a horrible alcoholic bf when i was younger and decided to choose men that didn't drink after that, well of course with dinner. I'm the one that's been desperate for a drink with this pg

Hi Chatty, can't believe he went back to the pub. He sounds very immature, but then maybe that's the crux of the problem, and he needs to grow up a bit before he can handle the responsiblity of parenthood. It's going to be hard for you and your boys but it sounds like the IL's are very committed to you so that will be a great support.

BTW I think you are a very tolerant and forgiving person. He should start working hard to hold onto the relationship!!!!

I haven't read all of the thread, but when I was pg with ds, I had freak outs from time to time where I wanted to run away and not be pg any more. Understandable, but I hope it is just a blip in your relationship, rather than anything serious... Must admit that I didn't tell dh about it because I thought it would upset him.

Mump - I think you have posted this on the wrong thread? seems to make more sence to be on the 30 week pg one, appologies if i'm wrong though

My post was obviously as clear as mud! I meant that perhaps the OP's dp is a bit freaked out by the weight of the responsibility which I can sympathise with because I sometimes felt overwhelmed by the prospect of having a little person for whom I was responsible. Hopefully, it is just a blip and him freaking out, rather than him being serious about not wanting to be with the OP and be part of the baby's life... Hope that is clearer!!

Oh and my message was aimed at Chattyhan's DP not her, just in case she's confused.

Hi Chatty, I'm so sorry I haven't posted on here sooner. I can see you are having a terrible time. I wish I could think of something original to say but I'm struggling. TBH it sounds like your partner needs to grow up and get a grip on his responsibilities.

I'm sure most men have a fantasy world whether their wives or girlfriends run the perfect home , its never too noisy and they get home every night to a home cooked meal and a yummy mummy who's still up for a shag. (Thanks to Nigella Lawson for making this one worse) But it is just a fantasy unfortunately. Complaining that the excitement has gone out of a relationship is a bit lame. It's inevitable that sparks fade with time - thats why friendship, companionship and just plain being silly together are so important. None of the above seem to be made available to you from your partner.

I'm so sorry honey because this must be so difficult to deal with but perhaps it's time to look at the nuclear option. It sounds like you can do a lot better. I really hope I'm wrong and being too harsh and if I have overstepped the mark I'm truly sorry. Working it out is by far the best option but you can't both carry on as you are - something has to change.

Thinking of you xx

thanks Penny - sometimes i think i could do better and that there must be men out there who are less selfish and want me! But it's not like you can just wipe the slate clean and start again! I have 2 DC to think of and i don't want to be a single mum. I don't know if i'll ever meet anyone else - i've got baggage! I know there are single mums who find love and a new relationship but i just don't see myself as one of them. Physically i don't feel like much of a catch! I'm a mum and my bikini days are over!

I just feel like DP is ruining my chance of happiness - and what about the things i wanted out of life - my own home, a career (when the kids are older), a disposable income - how will i ever achieve any of that on my own!

I wish I knew honey. I hope you manage to work things out I really do. I guess when you have children you inevitably sacrifice some of your own aspirations. I've never really believed all that "having it all" stuff. Seems to me to be a bum deal for women - we don't have it all so much as work in and out of the home morning noon and night.

As for the bikini wearing days - I NEVER had those! Not in public anyway!!

Hi Chatty,

I remember it did feel devastating when I separated from my ex when I was 4mths pg with ds1. it was the first serious realtionship i'd been in (from 16 til I was 23) and I honestly thought I would never meet anyone else with the 'baggage' of ds. However I went for a rare night out for a friend's birthday when ds was 6 months old and met dp. He has 2 ds from a previous relationship too. I'm the same age as you (well, I was 26 yest). I really hope you can work it all out but I just want to reassure you that if it doesn't it is possible to move on and there are a lot of guys out there who've been through a tough time too. having dc does make you more fussy about what you're looking for in a future dp. have you ever split up with a long-term partner before or is dp your 1st love? from what you've said previously on both threads i'm assuming he is and that maybe why you're imagining a bleak future without him. I think it's great you've opened up to mil as she sounds like she will be a great support whatever happens, and if your relationship with her is good enough maybe she can offer the practical support with ds1 while your adapting and welcoming lo (as I understand it's difficult for your own mum). I really think you're doing well in taking your time making a decision, just make sure dp knows that the longer he takes, the bigger the wedge he's driving between you. I know you had a good night with him last night but please don't allow him to use you and play with your emotions by being gr8 one minute but distant the next. you do need to know where you stand, one way or the other. Thoughts are with you all the time as I do know what a difficult situation you're in and I know how much it hurts. xx

thanks for your messages - loopylou no he isn't my 1st love but 1st man i've lived with/got engaged to! It's definately my most serious relationship. I had a 5 yr on/off relationship from 15 - 20 and then a few that lasted a couple of months.

still none the wiser as to what he's going to do but he's asked his parents to have DS this weekend so we can spend some time together and i can have a break!

he still won't talk about the baby!

Chatty I hope you're ok.

I hope you can start to sort things tihs weekend, so whatever you both decide you can start to move forward and plan for the future.

Take care
FilBrit xx

Hi Chatty
Just wanted to say I'm really sorry to see that you are going through the ringer like this. I hope that you made it to the pregnancy yoga class and that you have been able to have a bit of time to focus just on yourself and the baby has helped.