Anyone one ever recover from an affair

[heartbrokenhettie]

So just that really. Found out this evening my partner of 8 years has slept with a work colleague on several occasions.

It's still a shock and I'm totally numb, I'm unsure if to cut my losses and leave or work to repair our broken relationship ?

Does it ever work once a partner has cheated? Can any positives be gained ?

My head is spinning

@BankHolidayYAS

I think it's an overwhelming feeling I get when I think about him being with her whilst I was at home none the wiser. It's a strange feeling, but it's definitely a jealous feeling. I'm jealous of the attention he gave her maybe. This is still all new to me. I wish there was a step by step guide coz I'm not sure if I'm handling well or very badly.

@diamondsandrose

I certainly didn't mean it as nastily as you must have read it, so apologies for that. Though if it had been you, I certainly would have welcomed opening a dialogue. Yes, we should all be supportive etc on here, and I have found that most here and IRL have been, however, this woman was the only one I have contacted (including ow!) who has not. She contacted dh (cheat) to tell him she would not dignify my q (did you know about dh and friends affair?) with a reply. Nice. So while the circumstances fit and I'm still reeling one week post dday, I asked you if you were her. A wild stab in the dark perhaps, but I can't say I'm thinking particularly straight right now!

Sorry hettie. I've been reading everything I can to learn how to deal with thoughts and stuff. As close to a step by step guide as possible. Still doesn't help to motivate you into doing anything, and the thoughts are still intrusive, so... No good really.
It really pisses off that I'm going through this when he seems largely unaffected, mentally. And physically, well, he had the excitement of the affair. So still more positives than negatives. Whereas it's all negative on my (and your) side. And the feeling of being taken for a fool? I don't know how anyone ever gets over that.

Twisted thank you for the apology. It's early days, your head will be all over the place

Your husbands friend sounds a bit odd, why would she not "dignify your question with a response?"
That's what you would say if you thought the accusation was outrageously untrue. Is she saying she's unaware of your DH's affair?

The couple I know have had almost 2 decades of sniping about this historic affair and to me seems unbearably toxic.

Only you can weigh up the pros and cons of staying/going

My friend said well think of all his good qualities, he doest drink smoke or gamble, he's hardworking , kind to others ( when not cheating , excellent father, quite good looking, keeps fit, and think to yourself would the grass be greener with someone else. He's made a complete balls up but I think you need to separate the person )good) from the behaviour ( vv bad)

Gertie I like your comment about how the affair is nothing compared to what you have.

I've been crying myself to sleep up over 20 years vs 8 weeks !
It's laughable when you write it down but the devastation is real

You will feel better Hettie, I remembered feeling disgusted that my OH could get in my bed with me and prob still have her DNA on him. To make it worse it was with my best friend. But I’m fine now and you will be too, it’s still so soon for you atm xxx

It is devastating diamondsandrose but I hope my comment helped you.

About 6 months in I realised that what they had wasn’t ‘real’. It was pure fantasy.
I started to think of, and appreciate tbh, all the things DH does for, or with, me. The list was endless and what ‘they had’ seemed insignificant in comparison.

diamonds I have no idea, I messaged an apology and put his name on it as he told me it looked like I was accusing her of being involved and I didn't want to apologize outright :). She messaged back saying she wasn't going to dignify it with a response, and not much else. He replied to tell her what I'd said was true, no response from her since! I think she knew, or at least didn't want to think the worst of her friend, the ow.

twisted is your DH's friend, friends with the OW? It's all a bit intense. To be honest you're probably better concentrating on him and you rather than this meddler! Make sure YOU are ok.

I like to think I wasn't like her! I didn't know my friends OW, she was their neighbour.
I only met him after this all happened. He only told me when I told him about my DH's affair. He took a risk on our friendship!
I might have hated him, a fellow philanderer.
But it has been great having him to talk to , he can see both sides being a reformed cheater. I think it's made him a nicer person ironically.

OP how are you doing?

Gertie you are my guru. I feel like making your posts into fridge magnets!

Are you from Motherwell...I'm not far

Oh I talk a lot of crap diamondsandrose but it mostly makes sense to me.

I’m nowhere near Motherwell and my username is a very long, boring story.

If we didn’t have kids he’d be gone.

There are no mistakes only choices- a series of bad ones but everything was a choice he made not expecting to have to face consequences.

You are stronger than you know.
Look after yourself: eat, drink and sleep. Find yourself something to do that is just yours to enjoy and do it.

Have a look at the surviving infidelity website, there are some great resources and come join us on the
infidelity support thread.

You can and will get through this.

My H cheated 8years ago. I’ve known for 5months. He’s working hard and I’m more emotionally stable that I was even 1 month agoBUT I will never trust him again and I will never love him like I did.

We are going to have a more communicative and happier marriage But there will always be this hanging over it.

Gertie don't underestimate yourself!

We are all stronger than we know. Isn't it funny that we all have such similar stores and can empathise so fully with each other.
I was thinking to myself, well that's what women do, we are strong and fab.

But then it occurred to me that cheating husbands couldn't do much cheating ( unless paying sex workers I suppose) without a certain type of woman , or rather maybe an unhappy woman who has lost her way/is emotionally vulnerable/damaged ( dying to say just a complete selfish bitch but trying to be PC)

It takes all sorts of people I suppose. Good to have some kindred spirits on here xx

@diamondsandrose definitely a certain type of woman, horrible skanky tramp!

Some have posted on here how they got over an affair. For me, I just think longer term it is corrosive. How do you get the image out of your head of him having sex with another woman. Every time you have sex you could have that image in your head...and on top of that you will have zero trust in him. Difficult as it is , especially with a desire to have children I would cut your losses and work through the grief of what happened

@MarieG10 yep that's my biggest problem at the min, picturing them together. It's killing me.

It’s such early days for you though heartbrokenhettie

MarieG10
In time it does fade, similar to the previous relationships your partner may have had.
It’s in the past

@GertieMotherwell that's a good way of looking at it

I'm sorry but I cannot fathom why anyone would want to stay with a person who has been repeatedly unfaithful. What does that tell you about how he feels about you? Do not have children with this man. Run for the hills while you can. While you waste your life on this unfaithful piece of dirt you've no chance of meeting the good man you deserve.
Having kids is incredibly stressful. Get out now or by the time your kid is a toddler you'll be a single parent.

Every now and again I think...I'll get my own back one day. I want him at some point to go through the pain I went through and still do

ByeMF for a myriad of reasons, some of which are very eloquently detailed below. It's not something I would have understood until going through it myself. Easy to judge when it's not you.

Gertie hits the nail on the head as usual re imagining him with her. Like an old partner. Things are already fading for me after only 4 months, things that beforehand were unbearable to think about.

I'm trying to focus on the positive at the moment, I was going through a phase of obsessing about the OW. I decided to confront her and it went in my favour in a way, as she showed herself up to be a complete loony. If there was any worry about H having any lingering feelings about her that's knocked that on the head. I think he felt sorry for me the way she spoke to me and took my side, it showed me that we are the team again not him and her? He was furious at the lies she told me. It was awful though so not something I'd really recommend!

You are not married..you have no dcs. It’s horrible, but why would you stay?

You also say you’re not married because he did not want that. Maybe it is all related.

You sound lovely. Take this chance for a better life.

In time it does fade, similar to the previous relationships your partner may have had.
It’s in the past
gertie how can you ever see it in the same way as one of his previous partners though? He chose to see/shag her while you were still together, fully aware of what a betrayal it was.

diamonds yes, they were all good friends at the time.

gertie how can you ever see it in the same way as one of his previous partners though? He chose to see/shag her while you were still together, fully aware of what a betrayal it was

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in your question there Mytwistedimagination.
It’s the betrayal that’s the issue.
The hurt fades and with acceptance you find a way forward. Everything is different, it’s like a new relationship.

I’m not advocating that heartbrokenhettie or anyone else should stay in their relationship. Each person must make their own decision on that. I just recognise how painful this is and hope that by sharing my coping strategies and thought process I may help a little 💐

It is very earky days..you will go through all sorts of emotions. Mine went from...
Shock
Devastation
Angry
Scared
Weak
Blameful
Dismissive
Sad
Angry
Sad

18months on Im between sad at the loss of what we had and will never get back to angry he carries on as if nothing has happened. My feelings change every so often