Anyone one ever recover from an affair

[heartbrokenhettie]

So just that really. Found out this evening my partner of 8 years has slept with a work colleague on several occasions.

It's still a shock and I'm totally numb, I'm unsure if to cut my losses and leave or work to repair our broken relationship ?

Does it ever work once a partner has cheated? Can any positives be gained ?

My head is spinning

Reading all these responses it's like listening to someone else say my own thoughts!

I have agreed to "try" but with no guarantees. Yes I'm heartbroken but I also have the upper hand. He knows at any time I could say pack you bags and he's agreed to that. He's going to counselling. Amazing. He says sorry for things all the time now, and in a genuine way !

I am aware that at some point I need to put it to bed if we decided to make a go of it. A male friends wife is still beating him up for an affair 18 years on and I don't think that right for anyone. Better off apart on both sides.

I'm only 4 months in so it's all new. I confronted her and she was unrepentant and said terrible terrible things. My husband was devastated for me and it was a good thing in a way as brought us closer somehow. She said it was all my fault, how can you argue with someone who comes out with that

Hang in there and just process it for now. Don't rush into anything x

And I know you are imagining a goddess, I bet you will be shocked when you see her, I know I was!
Saying that, I don't know what's worse, mines is an old slapper and I think, oh god is she better than me, help!! But her personality is worse. Bloody loony

Anyway, everything you are saying is totally normal and you sound fab , bet she's not a patch on you x

It has made me feel like a ugly unattractive mess

That's what you should see in him OP, not yourself.

I only mention about him leaving his job if you can’t cope with them working together.

I also don’t mean dishing out punishments and ultimatums! It’s not like that. He does need to respond to your needs though, and some of mine were batshit crazy at times.

Glad to see I'm not alone either, dh had a couple of ons over the years that all came out at once last year, I was absolutely gobsmacked, really thought we had the best relationship in the world, I literally adored him but decided to stay because as a family we all really love each other and love our lives, it was hard and is hard, a part of me died that night I found out and I miss the carefree silly me, I don't adore him anymore, I love him and I still find him very attractive but to me he is just a man, he doesn't love me unconditionally like I presumed he did. But my kids adore him, they see us as the ideal couple as we are best friends, rarely argue, well not infront of them etc. So all in all a harmonious house, but that's because I have had over a year of hell in my heart and mind. It can be worked out but like anything else you'll never feel the same again xx

With no DC, I think you should leave. You don't need to make any decisions now though. This is a man who doesn't want to marry you which is itself is not a red flag, but that combined with his infidelity suggests he is someone who will never commit to you. And before anyone says DC are a bigger commitment, I disagree - how many fathers do you hear of who leave with barely a backwards glance and won't pay maintenance let alone see their DC regularly?

How do you think your OH would cope with the stresses of a newborn? Would you go for IVF alone? I let my exH at 36yo and whilst I may not have had children I probably never would have with him and my life is far better without him in it.

*left my exH

I'm 18 months in. I can get through a few hours of not thinking about it. Be prepared for that - it will consume you badly. The whole escapade has left me with PTSD. Things trigger me several times a day. This morning I woke up from nightmares along similar scenarios and just lay crying.

I see the OW sometimes, she disgusts me because she knew who I was. But the cheat will always demonise the betrayed. I did have my moment to corner her and tell her what a stupid idiot she was for lapping up lies and shitting on the sisterhood. She stood close to tears and in fear. I did feel better for it, won't lie.

I've had individual counselling. We've had couples counselling, but the individual for both of us I feel actually made a greater difference.

I do hate how the hell brought us here, but our relationship is much more honest and open and we have conversations in depths we never even touched before the affair. It's weird, but it stands.

In terms of your situation, I would expect him to leave his job for starters!

I'm so sorry you are in these shoes. Sadly it's FAR more common than you think. Please be kind to yourself. Many recommended Esther Perel's TED talk to me and I ignored them. It was only a few months ago I finally watched it and it really helped me heal more.

has made the biggest mistake
Wow - a 'mistake'!!!
Once would have been stupid if he was drunk etc....
But he did this repeatedly.
He lied, cheated, deceived and disrespected you on too many occasions.

Could you try for a DC via a sperm donor?
My friend did it.
Success on the 2nd attempt.
Worth looking into.

But this won't be OK.
It was not a 'mistake'
I fucking hate it when they say that.
Bollox.

Good luck OP.
No knee-jerk reactions.
Take your time.
Get your head space and then think about things.

A male friends wife is still beating him up for an affair 18 years on and I don't think that right for anyone. Better off apart on both sides.

@diamondsandrose
I wonder if this is me. One of dh's friends is an unhelpful and arrogant woman. Is this you? I only found out about it last week, so feel quite justified in still beating him up about it. No matter how long ago it happened, the pain is fresh when you find out. Is this what happened to your male friend? In which case, he dh deserves it. Not your place to judge whether they are better apart either. Do you know all the details and how they are dealing with it?

My DP had an online affair (?) last year. He was away on holiday with his mother and teenage sons. I was at home with my DS. He got 'bored' and replied to a message on a dating site (why was he still on a dating site - we've been together 3.5 years). For a few weeks they messaged each other, he sent cock pictures and masturbating videos. They booked hotels and arranged to meet up (but never did). I found out when I had to use his PC (with his permission) to upload some images from email to Ebay and saw the hotel booking references and cancellation confirmations.

There was no physical affair but it hit me like a sledge hammer. I felt utterly betrayed, stupid. I was an emotional wreck. I never believed that he would do that to me. I threw him out - he went back to his mothers.

10 months on we are still together but like a PP said - I just don't feel the same for him anymore. I adored him and the ground he walked on. I still love him, we still have a good physical relationship, we have a good life, but it's not the same.

I check his phone everyday. If he is later home than he says he will be I wonder where he is. Whenever his phone beeps my imagination goes into overdrive as to who is contacting him. The trust is gone. He promises me it will never happen again - but he can still not give me a decent reason as to why he ruined what we had in the first place.

We do not have children together. This is the first time I've written about this. I too wonder whether it is possible to truly get over a betrayal.

Hugs to you OP - you are going to feel a tsunami of emotions. Go with your gut feelings x

People do use the word ‘mistake’ and I can’t understand why it evokes such emotion.

I accept it was a mistake.

It's not a mistake though is it.
How is shagging a woman repeatedly when you are with someone else a 'mistake'?
A mistake is when you mistype something.
Or you send an email to the incorrect person.
Or you send a pic to the wrong person.
Continued disrespect and cheating is NOT a MISTAKE!!!!
He didn't accidentally fall cock first into her vagina!
It was conscious decision to deceive people.

Hells nails it.

Hopefully these replies will decide things for you.

You need to leave, I think.

Your description of what he did and how he sees it is disgusting - what a horrible, horrible man. 'just' drunken sticking his cock in a workmate at the end of a night out? Lovely. No, I wouldn't want that as the father of my child.

To be utterly practical, if you'd need IVF anyway, then you always have the option of doing so as a single person. Not an easy option of course but it isn't as simple as 'if I don't stay with this man, I won't have a family.' No - you could still do IVF, it would be a lot more complicated but it IS possible, and meet someone later.

That is one meaning for mistake but it is used more widely.

The example you discribe is an ‘error’
To use the word error would be wrong.

I have no problem with mistake tbh. It means poor judgement and bad decisions
to me.

I'd love to speak to the other woman but I doubt she would give two hoots if I'm upset.

I just wouldn't dream of going anywhere near a man in a relationship

i have stayed before and you will NEVER feel the same way about them

A male friends wife is still beating him up for an affair 18 years on and I don't think that right for anyone. Better off apart on both sides.

@diamondsandrose
I wonder if this is me. One of dh's friends is an unhelpful and arrogant woman. Is this you? I only found out about it last week, so feel quite justified in still beating him up about it. No matter how long ago it happened, the pain is fresh when you find out. Is this what happened to your male friend? In which case, he dh deserves it. Not your place to judge whether they are better apart either. Do you know all the details and how they are dealing with it?

Mytwistedimagination what an nasty thing to say. I am quite taken aback.
Why on Earth would I know your husband?
She FOUND OUT 18 years ago.
Yes I know all the details because he is a very close friend.
In my "opinion" yes neither of them should be in a relationship where they are still constantly arguing and making jibes over an 18 year old affair. I think she should have left him or vice versa, and both found happiness elsewhere. I would give the same advice to anyone.

Aren't we here to share opinions and respect each other?

I'm very sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you can get over it in time. It is very difficult and as someone who is going through the same thing as you, I think we should all be kind to each other. We have all had enough hurt heaped on us.

People do use the word ‘mistake’ and I can’t understand why it evokes such emotion

It's because a mistake is something you do unintentionally. Something you didn't mean to do.

You make a mistake when you take a left turn instead of a right.

Or when you hit reply all on an email, instead of reply.

There's no mistake about taking off your clothes and having sex with someone, because you had every intention of doing that.

A mistake results in an unintended outcome. Having sex with someone is not a mistake...because that was the intention from the moment the stripping down to your underwear happened.

It was a conscious choice. A wrong one, but it was no mistake.

I’ve said that using the word ‘mistake’ doesn’t bother me.

Also, for people that have been through this.. is this common/ normal .. I am so jealous of the other woman, I feel like she won him off me. It's an horrendous feeling.

Yup

Totally. It's gut wrenching.
I'm only 4 months in but I can feel myself getting stronger by the day and those feelings start to pass.

am so jealous of the other woman, I feel like she won him off me

But she didn’t. Because where is he now and what does he want?

No, I never felt like the OW had won tbh.

I was devastated that he had the affair but their relationship was nothing, nothing tonwhat we have.